Day 423 - Grit Your Teeth And Learn

I'm writing this while trying not to move much. Okay, it's not that bad, I'm just resting. I worked out today, you see. And while it's definitely getting better (the first time my legs ached so bad I could hardly sleep), it still hurts. Today it's my abs and my thighs. Granted, the more I do it, the less it hurts. And since Anthem has started having me drink protein shakes after my workouts, it hurts a whole lot less. But the thing about it is going from nothing to regular. Once or twice a year isn't going to cut it. Not only is it going to hurt like the dickens every time I do it, which will certainly discourage me from loving it, but I'm never going to be comfortable doing it. The more I do it, the more I feel the endorphins working after it, and the less I feel like an out of shape idiot.

I think the same is true for a number of things. Practice, persistence, and toughing it out. For instance: I suck at being still before God and loving people. I never really practice either. I know I suck, but I don't do anything about it. Same with loving people. I am rather content to just loathe from afar. Which is the exact opposite of how you learn to love people. Yes. Learn. It's not magic. It doesn't just happen. It's getting closer to individuals so instead of seeing willfully ignorant masses, you (I) see individuals with real needs, emotions, and in depth motivations and experiences. You (I) see real hurts, needs, gifts, and realize that everyone has something to teach you.

And how awesome that elderly lady in church is, because after service she thanked you (me) for dancing in worship and filling her heart with joy for the younger generation. Just saying.

Anthem told me once that being still before God wasn't easy for him either, he just spent a lot of time trying, a lot of time worshipping, and a lot of time concentrating on it. And now, it's easier for him. He practiced.

I often think that spiritual disciplines will just come naturally, but they require practice like everything else. We all know to be careful when we pray for patience, but while we can use prayer like a protein shake to help us build those skills and characteristics as we're led by the Holy Spirit, we still have to practice. Even if it's really uncomfortable at first. Especially if it's really uncomfortable at first.

Day 422 - Antagonistic Agnostics

I really, really hate that it's gotten so acceptable for agnostics and atheists to mock Christianity. Not Islam. Not Shinto or eastern religions. Just Christianity. The only reason it bothers me, however, is because it's the same damn argument over and over and over. No matter how many times someone tries to inform their ignorance, within a week they're back to the same arguments that they know are wrong but that they know other antagonistic agnostics will agree with. 

I'm not a fan of ignorance for anyone, especially Christians. Which is why I actively research and find answers. Other religions deserve my understanding, at least of their basic concepts, because I respect the people who hold to those beliefs. I don't agree with them, but I can still respect them. 

Antagonistic agnostics, however, seem to need to constantly validate their idea that they are geniuses for seeing through the ridiculousness that is religion (especially Christianity) by constantly spouting off how ignorant faithful worshippers are. The egotism kills me and brings out the most sarcastic side of me. 

"Obviously. Obviously you have put together the most obvious of truths that two billion people currently hold to be true, and that billions of people throughout the last two thousand years have held to, but you in your early to mid twenties must see something that all of them have missed. Those who have studied Christianity and devoted their lives to it have obviously never taken the thirty seconds to peruse it's basic truths to arrive at your conclusion, you enlightened asshat. Or perhaps you're not smarter than the rest of the world, perhaps you're simply stronger. Because maybe those two billion people see how incredibly ridiculous it is and choose to believe in it anyway. Yup. Those poor delusional mama's boys who simply need that crutch to get through life. That's why they risk their lives to go and spread the gospel in countries that try, and often succeed, in killing them. They just needed the emotional crutch."

It absolutely infuriates me. If you are an antagonistic agnostic, allow me recommend some reading materials because the freudian psychology labels that you often try to augment your arguments with are not original. I would highly recommend The Question of God by Armand Nicholi for an unbiased account of the two clashing belief systems of Freud and C.S. Lewis. Miracles by C.S. Lewis is also an excellent book that answers many new-age naturalism questions to Christianity. (Again, this is not new, he wrote it in the 1940's. Antagonist Agnostics just don't take the time to read it because... well you know I just don't know.) 

In the end, I just want education all around. If you're a Christian who thinks that Islam is basically like Christianity but with a harsher Father God - do some research. If you're an agnostic who likes to antagonize any religious person to... well God only knows why you do it, just try to come up with something original rather than using old (and answered) rhetoric into which you put zero effort. 

I understand this might sound weird coming from me because in general while I love persons, I hate people. But what I hate more than people are the willfully ignorant. Belief is not willful ignorance, whether it is in religion or science. (Don't look at me like that. You believe that quantum physics is true because you believe in the people who have said it. It's not like you can go prove it, or even understand the findings of it. Or even the composition of the atmosphere of Mars. You believe what other people have written about it. Simple as that. I believe them too. I just acknowledge it's a belief.) Belief is merely acceptance that one cannot possibly discover all of life's great truths on one's own - that relying on someone who went before you, or goes beside you, is not folly but wisdom because without them, one's sphere of truth will be woefully tiny. 

If you have a question about a religion, a belief system, or anything else - research it. But for the love of sugary donuts, research respectfully. Don't google "why Christians are idiots" when trying to research Christianity and don't rely on the first Ask.com answer you find. Maybe, ask someone who holds those beliefs. Or pick up a book that was written to answer your questions (on the difference between all the religions of the world, Jesus Among Other Gods by Raavi Zacharias is fantastic) rather than searching for one that confirms your bias. 

Okay, rant over. Hope you all have a super respectful day.  

Day 421 - I Didn't Know I Could Do That

So... I'm not much of a cuddle-er it turns out. Especially not at night when I'm sleeping. It was getting to the point that I'd be all the way to the edge of the bed by the time we woke up. And it made Anthem really sad. I told him I didn't even know if I could change it, it was a subconscious thing that happened while I was asleep. But I was determined to try.

So as I lay in bed, falling asleep, I just kept thinking to myself Anthem is not concerned I'll wake him if I snuggle up to him. He's concerned when he wakes up and I'm on the other side of the bed trying not to wake him. Well then. Here goes. And what do you know but that we made progress.

In the end, my assumption of his priorities (not getting woken up vs. feeling his wife's arms around him) was not helping. It was just a little thing, but I should have asked. Especially considering that as much as I hate it when other people wake me up, waking up because my husband wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close does not bother me in the least. Its comforting, even if my body has to learn how to sleep through it.

But more important was my assumption that because something was sub conscious, I couldn't change it. I could, I just needed to change my conscious priorities. May it's the same way with the trust. If I just keep reminding my conscious mind that Anthem is not like the other guys in my experience who claimed to be trustworthy but weren't, the next time he asks me to do something that I would naturally balk at, I'll instead respond with trust... well that would make me pretty happy.

Now if only I could somehow apply this to faith... oh that's right. I already did.

Day 420 - Don't Be Afraid

I could literally spend a hundred blogs just talking about this topic so I'm going to do my best to keep this one short and concise. In order to keep me on task, I'm relying on my formula.

1: Grand, sweeping statement: My whole life I've been surrounded by guys (mostly family) that say things like 'trust me' and then do something incredibly reckless. The fact that I am alive today is a testament that God doesn't always punish the stupid, nor their trusting little companions. Once I hit a certain age, however, I quickly realized that just because someone is an adult male does not mean they have any concept of common sense or minimum safety requirements. Even after that, I still found myself in loads of dangerous situations because a man said 'trust me'.

2: Transitional statement leading to an alternative not previously considered: Which is probably why I don't always trust Anthem when I should. The other day he asked me to make sure this dog didn't go in the house while they were unloading some stuff and needed to prop the doors open. My first response was 'No. I do not know this dog. This dog could bite me.' and Anthem said, "Do you really think I would put you in any situation that would endanger you?"

3: Conclusion with a weirdly topical example: He's completely right. Sure I still have to run my brain through an extra filter of 'It doesn't matter if I think this might be a little dangerous. Anthem wouldn't let me get hurt.' when I start to freak out a little. But he proves himself all the time, even in the little things he's watching out for me. Like today, "Love," he said, "I was thinking, and we need to get you another game for the DS." (Before anyone says anything, we thrift shop and don't spend more than 10 dollars and use trade ins.) "You just beat the game you played the most." I realize it seems trivial, but even I hadn't thought of that. The DS is what both of us do when we want to be together but end up doing something that one of us finds mind numbing. (Grocery shopping for him, any other kind of shopping for me.) And it really meant a lot that even in something so small, his first thought was for me.

4: Concluding statement emphasizing my point: Because if I can trust him in the little things, I can trust him in the big things. And just so you all know, the dog was indeed a harmless pug who just loved attention and was incredibly friendly. Anthem is a dog trainer after all.

Day 419 - Am I Crazy?

Feel free to answer that as sarcastically (or seriously) as you'd like in the comments. Anything to get someone to post a comment. But that's beside the point.

The point is that even though it's been a few days since Sunday school, I still can't get this one guys comment out of my head. "Let's be honest," he said, "how many of us struggle to believe your faith? I know I do. Every day. And if you don't admit that, you're not being honest."

Part of me wanted to study him like a mysterious sea creature, and part of me wanted to deck him. Because it's not true for me, and saying that isn't a lie. Sure, I struggle with my faith every day - but not in believing it. I struggle living it and giving my all and remembering that this reality is just a thin veil between me and eternity. But not believing it. If something is supposed to the foundation on which you build your life, and all of your theology... you should not be concerned with its existence. And you certainly shouldn't worry about it daily.

Maybe I'm crazy. I've definitely had moments in the bleakness, or even in the mundane, where a small part of me wonders if this is all real and maybe the agnostics have it right. And then I remember all the things He's done, and all the things I've seen and experienced and all that He has given me and remember who He is. In those moments, its more myself that I question than my God, or my faith based on who I know Him to be.

But that's not the point: the point is that making sweeping judgments (like I often do) is counterproductive. I honestly didn't hear much else of what he said because I was too busy being genuinely confused.

The second point is that it scares me. This guy has been a Christian since he was a teenager (he is now early 50's). He is exactly what I am terrified of becoming - a hamster wheel Christian that is dealing with the same struggles of faith that they were dealing with in the beginning.

Luckily, listening to Christian radio has given me a new theory as to why this happens and how to avoid it. Seriously, how anyone can listen to those djs is beyond me. I digress. The difference between a hamster wheel and a true road of faith is who is at the center. At the center of every hamster wheel is the Christian. What they feel, what they want, why do they hurt, why is God doing this to them, why aren't they succeeding, why is their marriage not working out, why are their kids such little jerks, why are they uncomfortable, why is it so hard to believe, etc. At the center of every journey of faith is God. Where is God, what does He want from me, what can I give, who can I help, who is He, how can I become less and He more, etc.

I don't have it all figured out, to be sure. I've just learned that when you're struggling, with anything faith based (what to do next, or if God's really there) the best thing to do is stop obsessing and focus on someone other than yourself. Help someone. Donate. Volunteer. Anything. The answer will come a lot faster. As to the why... well that's simple. With Christianity - the answers are rarely within yourself. Because God is not contained in there. Sure, He does reside, but He is working everywhere else too. Go find Him outside yourself and you might hear Him a little better.

Which reminds me... I think I need to get out of my own head for the rest of today. The answers I'm looking for aren't there.

Day 418 - The Weather Follows You Everywhere

Okay, mini blog today. The weather here seems to be just as nuts as Iowa. Don't get me wrong, the storm you guys are dealing with sucks and I don't envy you. It's supposed to be spring after all. And usually I have beautiful days full of temperatures that makes people in Iowa wish they lived here. But today started out with the pitter pat of a gentle rain that begged me to stay in bed and moderate temperatures that asked me to curl up with the internet and some cooking blogs. And then when I finally decided to crawl back upstairs to make the bed and start getting ready for the day, it starts hailing. At which point, thanks to a reminder from my thinker husband, I dash to my car and pull it under the carport. 15 minutes later and all is calm, it's just very cool outside. Mid 40's. Which for here is enough to bust out the parkas. Just kidding. They don't know what parkas are here. I know. I've been asked twice.

The mini lesson today is that going to a new place doesn't mean some things won't follow. I'm totally having a crisis of career... which I was having in Iowa except with less opportunities.

But change does help - the hail only lasted for 15 minutes instead of two days - and I have an amazingly supportive husband who just wants me to be happy and fulfilled and doesn't mind talking things out with me.

Day 417 - Causality Chain

My mind is boggled dear friends. Yesterday, a chain of events happened in such a fashion that while I could not see the hand of God directly, I couldn't doubt that He had some part in it. Allow me to explain.

1: Went to church with James. Asked for prayer for my job search, had two very nice women give me leads.

2: One of them lead to an interview. (The other is a lead I'm still pursuing - will know more on Saturday!)

3: While I was overqualified for the job I interviewed for, one of the interviewers (not the one that the lady at church knew, but the other one) was so impressed that she gave me another lead at a company that may be better suited to my qualifications. It helped that her sister-in-law is the HR manager for the entire company.

4: While beginning to write a cover letter for said company, I began to have a soul searching moment - something in me said that I need to change my approach, indeed even my goal.

5: Which lead to a clearing out my head conversation with my amazingly supportive husband, which lead to the realization that I very much want to pursue my writing and very much need to pray about where God wants me and what He made me to do and what He wants me to do now.

What boggles my mind is that without starting to write the cover letter in which I intended to explain my love of helping other people succeed I would have never had the moment where I could not keep writing because a fire was lit in me and the thought 'I want to succeed' wouldn't be quiet. And I would have never gotten to writing the cover letter without every little thing that had happened before.