Day 438 - Serve The Stranger

Anthem has been gone for about two days now. It sucks. I miss him like crazy. But I'm thankful for the time alone, because God has been using it to speak to my heart. Rather loudly, now that I think about it.

Truthfully, I've been being selfish. I've been acting primarily on feelings. And I've been rather completely wrapped up in the inner workings of my own mind. Which frankly has led me to be cranky, unpredictable (not the good kind), and often feeling a bit down. Which is highly unfair to Anthem.

I've repented to God, and apologized to Anthem, and felt something inside of me changing. And then tonight, as I was dwelling on it while cleaning up the kitchen and the words 'serve the stranger' started to echo in my mind. Which could not be more true. While Anthem is my husband, who I do indeed love very much, in all truth he is also very much a stranger. I like to forget that. We were having a conversation the other day, about his past, and it dawned on me all over again that this man, as amazing and wonderful as he is, is still a stranger to me.

I see now that I've tried been guilty of trying to turn us into something we're not - a married couple that has known and loved each other for years. I want to believe that his heart is full of me, that I'm his reason for living, etc. Which is sort of ridiculous. Please, do not misunderstand. Anthem loves me very much, of that I have no doubt. He is loyal, faithful, honest, kind, and hardworking. He is far more selfless than I.

What we have is a far greater opportunity than a couple who married for love. We have an opportunity to show something unique to the world - selfless serving. Anthem and I have already noticed that marriage has made us better people, better Christians. There is a freedom in marriage, a grace to it, that is unparalleled. God has truly blessed us both in it.

Truly, to serve Anthem is to be the best of me. To not be afraid. To not worry. To not be dictated by changing emotions, or by selfish sulking. To embrace each day, to be vibrantly alive. To not be so anxious. To read, to pray, to worship, to create, to be active, to love. To be open. And to be joyously accepting of my part in all this. It is not as the center of Anthem's universe, but as his very committed helper. He told me the other day that while I didn't inspire him like he knew I wished I did, I was very much his safety, and that was something he very much needed. "The commitment we have made to each other makes us more suited to each other than anyone else we might ever encounter." And he's right. Love, true love, deep love, love that lasts a lifetime, takes time. And it's been two and a half months. What is important, right now, is the commitment we made. Is the relationship we have - what we are becoming as we come together.

I love my husband, and want to be a better wife each day. And can't if I keep trying to make myself believe that this is any relationship other than ours. If I refuse to embrace the beauty of what we are, of who we are, of what we've made. So, as love keeps growing, I will continue to serve the stranger.

Day 437 - Because We're Besties

Because I respect Anthem's manhood - I do not refer to him as my bestie. That being said - he totally is. And... the best part of that is that I know he feels the same way about me. See, there is this moving job he might get - it's still a might - but it's taking this copier from Temple, TX to New Jersey. One man job. And his first thought is, "I'm totally taking my wife."

I know we're still newly weds, but we do enjoy each other's company so much that we want to take that trip together. Just a road trip - a grueling one, admittedly - but a road trip with each other. That sounds AWESOME.

I don't know how other couples do it, and honestly don't care because we do what's best for us regardless of any norms, but from the ones I've seen - sometimes they lose an appreciation for just spending time together. James has had a light few days, and we took advantage of that. And I stopped being so obsessed with being productive to just be with him. So we laid in bed for hours and hours and watched Harry Potter together. We talked through some of it, cuddled through all of it, and just let ourselves relax and be with each other.

Don't... miss out on time like that. Chances that we'll have time like this in the future is pretty infantismal as we do hope to have children someday soon. And then it won't matter whether laundry was done a day late, or if we just ate mac and cheese. What will matter is that we got to laugh with each other, lay with each other (which is incredibly emotionally bonding - not to mention incredibly comfortable) be goofy with each other, and relax with each other. What will matter is that we used the time for what was really important - us.

Sometimes... not being productive is the most productive you can be. Or something like that.

Day 436 - Appreciation

Anthem worked 17 hours yesterday. The man is a beast. And because of the way his schedule works, by the time he got home it had been 24 hours since I had last seen him. I had three surprises planned. I'll list them in terms of effort.
1) A painting (I'm no painter but I love it so much) of a quote I saw that made me think of us.

Personally, I love it, and it took hours upon hours as each layer had to dry. It's not professional by any stretch, but I like it none the less. It's also not done. But it's mostly done. Just some finishing touches left. 

2) I bought him a small decorative tray to hold his bathroom stuff. We've been wanting it for weeks but couldn't find one that matched mine. I finally found one, bought it, and put his stuff in it. 

3) We recently rearranged our bedroom, and in doing so moved Anthem outside of the lovely stream of AC that blows in. I was contemplating this while making the bed, and using cardboard, some string, and a staple gun, figured out how to manipulate the stream of air onto him. 

So Anthem gets home, exhausted. I'm still putting laundry away, but pause to show him the surprises. I hardly counted number three, but I knew it would make him happy. He loved it. The cardboard that pushes cold air down on him. He went on and on about how much he loved it, and how he'd been trying to figure out how to mount a fan up there but this worked so much better. I took him into the bathroom and again, he just loved it. Finally, he said. Doesn't that look better? he said. Thank you! he said and gave me a huge hug. Finally, I took him downstairs to see the painting. 

"Yea, that's nice love." He said, kissed me on the forehead, and went to take a shower. At first my feelings were hurt. I worked really hard on that. I thought he'd really love it. But as I thought about it, I started to understand (I think) and it has nothing to do with my painting. It has everything to do with listening. Well. It has everything to do with feeling heard and appreciated. And through that lens, the order of his appreciation made complete sense. 

1) It was something small, something he would have never thought twice about if I hadn't done a single thing about it. The fact that I had listened, and sat down and thought about how to make it better for him, especially when he wasn't there (which showed him that I think about him even when he's not here) and did it when there wasn't a single thing I gained by it, made him feel very, very loved. And he did indeed sleep a lot better as every time he got too hot, the AC kicked on and started blowing cool air on him. 

2) We haven't talked about it in weeks, but I hadn't forgotten. I knew it was something he wanted, so I've been keeping my eye out for it. Once I found it, I got it. I didn't see it as taking effort, but he did. I listened, I persevered, I valued his wants and desires. He felt listened to, valued, and appreciated. 

3) It's words. On some wood. I got enjoyment out of making it, and the words are sweet, but they are just that. It was a gesture of affection, but not one of that was overly special, nor useful. It didn't help him sleep better or make him feel listened to. He wants to encourage me to keep painting, but it's a quote I found. I think he'd rather I tried something entirely original.

And I can see where he's coming from. When you've been burned by sweet words, it's the little things that make all the difference. The little things that say 'I'm listening', 'I'm thinking about you when you're not here', 'You're appreciated', and 'Your desires are my desires'. Not something that could transition from one relationship to another. 

In the end, I think a lot of it is about love languages. Not necessarily service vs. gifts. But words don't hold the same weight with Anthem that they do with me, so when I want to show him how much I love him, I need to speak his language instead of expecting him to speak mine. Good thing I've got time to get fluent. 

Today's lesson: if there is someone you love or appreciate, let them know. It'll make their whole day better. 

Day 435 - Walking Around Jericho

Do you ever wonder if the author of Joshua left out part of the story of Jericho? Like, the part where Joshua says, "Excuse me, God Almighty, you want me to do what?" Because Joshua was used to inquiring of the Lord before battle. He knew he needed God. And God would often deliver to him a brilliant battle plan. And then this time, they need to take the well fortified city of Jericho, and God tells them to march around it a lot. I'd be concerned I had a high fever right about then.

Sort of like I am now. Because God's latest marching orders have made me very much feel like I'm walking around Jericho. As you know, ever since I got to Texas I've been looking for a job. With almost no success at all. Which has been terribly discouraging. Anthem is working all of the time to support us (and doing a fabulous job, might I add) and I feel like I'm not contributing anything. Which isn't entirely true. I'm just not contributing money.

Yesterday, I was filled with such angst about it. I felt like a total failure. Anthem could tell. He sent me this message. "Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting], but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord, she shall be praised!" Proverbs 31:30 I knew God was trying to tell me something through Anthem, something that I just wasn't getting. But I knew I was so close, I just had to see something I was missing. Something obvious.

And that's when I felt it. God speaking. He said that though I've been praying for a job, I've been relying entirely on my resume and my own credentials. Which have nothing to do with what He wants me to do. Stop applying, He said. Rather, get out and do. Live. Explore. Talk to people. I'm not promising it'll lead to a job, He said, but I can tell you it will take you where I want you.

My heart darn near exploded in joy, because suddenly everything I was feeling made absolute sense. But then I felt a new emotion. I felt so terribly guilty. It wasn't right, to do that, to stop worrying and stop doing everything I could to get a job when Anthem is working so hard. I confessed this to him, and he reminded me of the verse he'd sent me. "It's more important that you follow the Lord and where He is leading you than struggle in what seems right to you. All I ask is that you take time tomorrow to be still before God and seek Him. No sermons, no books, nothing but you and God. I do not value you by what you 'contribute' to our life, just being you will always be enough."

I still struggle with the idea, which is why I'm here talking about it. This blog often helps me clarify. That and I'm listening to Shawn McDonald, who I recently rediscovered, and that is soothing to my soul. Something in me knows that I need to follow what I'm convicted of, regardless of how much sense they make to me or to the world watching me. (Which, lets be honest, is less than I like to think.) It's hard. I like plans so much, and take pride in making sense. But what I really, really need is to take pride in Jesus and that He considers me worthy enough to lead in love. I've got the most supportive husband on earth, and am free to follow leading I find less than conventional. And my soul often needs to be saved from the pride of thinking that I know the best way to do anything.

God told me to walk around Jericho, except Jericho is Temple and I'm supposed to enjoy it, serve it, explore it, and interact with it. God will take care of the rest, and guide my obedient footsteps toward Him. Which... is really all that matters.

Here's to feeling crazy *raises warm cup of earl grey* and needing to confess the sin of ever thinking I know better than God. Here's to feeling saved from making the massive mistake of doing exactly what I was doing in Iowa with just a change of location. Here's to the best guy in the world making me his wife. Here's to a different way of looking at life, and a different way of living it. Here's to newness of spirit, and a renewing of mind. Here's to walking around Jericho.

Day 434 - Choose to Love

Life is full of things I can't control. Every day has more variables that are absolutely beyond my comprehension than there are grains of sand by the sea. Most of the time I try to not let this truth affect me too deeply. I don't always succeed.

When I was single, before I met Anthem, I used to worry about being cheated on. It would honestly keep me up at night. Because what if feelings faded, you know? What if there was a spark with someone else? What if - what if - what if - and of course who can control feelings fading? And who can control a spark?

Well... we can. All of us can. It's why I love Anthem and I's story so much. We chose to love each other. We choose to love each other. Some days its a hell of a lot easier than others. Some days it is as easy as falling. He's freaking amazing. And on very, very rare occasions we can't even speak to each other because the other is so foreign and unbelievable. But even when he makes no sense to me at all (and visa versa) there is not a thing in this world I wouldn't do for him. Because no matter how I feel, I know my vows. And he knows his. I trust that, implicitly.

Sometimes, this little voice will creep up inside me and whisper things like, "Wouldn't it be nice if it was more like the movies? If you couldn't even control it? If he could hardly stand how much he loved you, if you drove him wild?" And at first, I agreed with that little voice. But the more I thought about it, the more I saw the folly in that. The movies aren't real. They only have to last 90 minutes. My marriage will last for sixty years or more (God willing). Relationships aren't based on losing control, not marriages anyway. Relationships that are... don't last long. I knew a guy like that once. He bounced from woman to woman, being absolutely obsessed with them, and then as soon as his interest began to wane, he'd find another woman he was absolutely obsessed with - and the one he left behind would be absolutely crushed. He swore he couldn't control it.

But we all knew the truth. He had no desire to control it. It never was about the women, it was about him. It was about not being bored, about feeling a rush, about feeling power, about feeling invincible... but it was never about the women, and it had nothing to do with love.

Instead of demanding that our relationship be a roaring fire before we got married, we built a small one and swore to protect it, fan it, and build it for the rest of our lives. And it does, it grows daily. It's base is being built to support a roaring fire; we are not dousing it in gasoline to feel a short burst of heat. It will continue to grow, because we feed it.

And that's what choosing to love is about. Understanding that all great things take time. Including love. Knowing that great things take discipline. Which is why we take our vows so seriously. I cannot stress this enough: vows have absolutely nothing to do with feelings. No matter how I feel about Anthem, or how he feels about me, our vows remain. On them, we have begun to build the fire of our love.

That's what we needed. We needed a base and protection. Our marriage has flourished in the trust we have with each other. It's not the same for everyone. But please, please, know that love is a choice. Know that if you have chosen to love someone, if you have vowed, then no matter the 'spark' you feel with anyone else, you can control it. You can say no, walk away, and choose to pursue your chosen love. I imagine it would be easier to do that if you know in your heart that your love would do the same for you.

Day 433 - Just In Time

I know, it's been like 10 days since my last post. I honestly just haven't had much to talk about. Things are going more slowly than I anticipated. I'm not making friends as quickly as I'd thought I would - don't look at me, Texan women are weird. The job search is insanely frustrating. Because it really is about who you know and I just don't know that many people. Especially ones in positions of power to do some hiring.

Though things are looking up. I've got an interview next week, a new Bible study starting on Wednesday nights, I got my library card, and things are going great for Anthem. The weird part is I'm just getting used to everything, right when everything is about to change again. When I get a job, and am not home all the time, both Anthem and I are going to have to adjust.

And that's about all I have to say. I like that life never gets stale, even when it's quiet.

Day 432 - Uuuuugggghhhhh

Do you ever feel like you wake up fighting? Not someone, nor any solid idea in your head, not even yourself, just fighting? That's been today for me. Fighting since I woke up. Fighting to get up. Fighting to be productive. I did not want to go take a typing test today. I did not want to continue the job search today. Every time I apply, and apply, and apply, it chips away at my precious ego. (Yes, I know it's just an ego. Hence the sarcasm of the 'precious'.) It wounds my pride, not being able to get a job. 

Anthem came home from one job, ate breakfast, cleaned up (he looked amazing, btw), and went to go begin what is for all practical purposes an apprenticeship under our Worship Pastor. Later this week, he has his other job. He has three, though he only gets paid for two. 

I... cook and clean. And write this blog. And apply for jobs. And exercise. And pray. And do laundry. And that's about it. I feel so completely and utterly useless. I know that's not true. I know that Anthem appreciates what I do, even if I feel it isn't much. I know a maid would cost more than I do and isn't nearly as entertaining as I am. I'm a wife, Anthem's wife, and he has no reason to worry. I budget and keep track of our finances. I cook good, mostly healthy, filling meals. I do laundry, and keep our house clean so we can entertain and Anthem can bring home guests with no notice. I pray for him, constantly. And when we hang out, well it's pretty much my favorite. Because he's my best friend and we have way too much fun doing a whole lot of nothing. 

I don't want much. I keep praying for some female friends. I'm just not clicking with anyone here, neither my age or older. I keep praying for a job, any job that will not put us in the hole to have. (I said no to one, as the gas money would have cost more than it paid after taxes.) And I'll keep praying. God is good, and this season of getting on my feet won't last forever. It's not like giving up is even an option, though I fight to get through this as best and as quickly as I can, not just get through it. Which is why I went and took the test today, and submitted it with the applications that needed it. And am doing laundry, and writing, and praying. And am planning to crash a '90's an over' women's bible study at church on Wednesday. It says women's. I'm a woman. I want to learn the Bible with other women. And I'm desperate. 

So... whatever you're going through, just... keep fighting. Don't give up. We'll get through this.