Day 450 - My Husband, Who Doesn't Read

So, when Anthem and I were dating (which, as most of you know, was a bit of a fiasco) we once got into a massive argument about reading. I wanted a man who would, at least once a year, read through a favorite book of mine and write in the margins and give it to me for Christmas. It sounded so romantic to me! And Anthem was straight up, "That is not me. That is probably never going to be me. Are you going to learn an instrument and write me an album every year? Of course not, and I don't expect you to." Needless to say, I threw a fit, and he was right. Remember yesterday when I blogged about single culture? Add to the list of things that needs to be revised is 'weird expectations based loosely on film and cultural ideas of romance that are actually self absorbed demands so that we feel better about ourselves' cause that's what that was. 

I realized, with a little help and prayer, that Anthem was (and is) exactly what I needed. Reader or not, he's incredibly intelligent and we spend many a road trip discussing little more than science, fiction, science fiction, and fantasy. It's... pretty much the best. And I absolutely adore him for it. His lack of obsession with books has really opened my eyes to a whole other side of intelligence, to creativity, to imagination, to *gasp* interaction with the real world. 

Now that we've got that established, I have actually been rather lax about reading and/or straight up not doing it for years now. I was once an avid reader, and I have wanted to be again for a long time. The only problem is that I sort of lost my taste for fiction. When I do read, I read philosophy, theology, and history. All of which are great, but none of which truly propelled me back into 'avid reader' status. I read books every once in a great while. 

Until my non-reading husband changed all that. And to be clear, it's not that Anthem is against reading, far from it. It's just that because of the way his brain is wired, reading is difficult as it requires mental energy to focus in just one place for extended periods of time, and often requires quite a bit of stillness. Neither of which come easy to him, especially outside of worship. And that's when he had the genius idea of audio books. Every morning he goes to work at 4am for roughly five hours. He was desperate for something to keep his attention while he was sorting boxes. So we went to the library to pick out an audio book and see how he liked it. Well. He loved it and asked me to go to the library to get more so he wouldn't run out. Since then, he's been blasting through books. 2-3 a week. 

On top of which, they have him so lively, and so inspired, that it overflows. He just has to talk to me about all that's going on in the book worlds. And one series he loved so much that he insisted I start reading it, and that we buy all the hardback copies of it because it's going to be a favorite of our children. 

I'm in love. The series is called "The Chronicles of the Imaginarium Geographica" and has 7 books, the last of which comes out this November. It is truly one of the best series I've ever read, or at least so far it is. I'm only on book two. But I felt something inside click last night when I could hardly put the book down and go to sleep. I knew that my husband, who is not an avid reader, had gone and reignited the spark in me to become one again. 

Just goes to show you, I guess. 

Day 449 - Single Culture

I don't miss being single. I don't miss being single at all. Nothing about single life is appealing to me. Now, to those of you who are single: I'm not saying singleness is something to get out of as soon as possible, because it's not. I'm saying I wish I had known, when I was single, that singleness is a culture. THE culture in America. At least in my experience. Allow me to elaborate.

About half of the American population is married (over 18 population) and significantly more than that are living together romantically. And yet, marketing is for singles. "Aha!" You might say, "It is not so!" (BTW - right now, you're faking a British accent) "I have seen the commercials! I have seen the ads! They are for families! Ho!" And hey, maybe you're right. Anthem and I don't have TV (we use netflix mostly) because we don't see the need to pay for channel flipping and a commercial overload, so my knowledge of commercials may be old. But I remember (and have blogged in the past) about how our society is completely consumed with the idea of idiot fathers/husbands and controlling mothers/wives. "But again!" You say, "Families!" 

To that I say, "Bullshit." Look at those commercials. Those aren't for families. Those are for single people with a ring on their finger. Those families are not teams. They are individuals living under the same roof, buying into the lie that their spouse is supposed to make them happy and when that doesn't work - something is wrong with the spouse, not the system. Look closely at those commercials. They portray (and sell to) people whose normal, everyday life, is absolutely miserable. Because everything being sold is to make you less miserable. 

Men - buy NFL Sunday Ticket so you can have your guy friends over and completely ignore your wife and family and be a messy slob who doesn't do anything but watch sports. Because isn't that what all men want? To pretend they're frat boys?

Women - buy these cleaning supplies! Because God knows your husband isn't going to help you clean up, or your miserable, bratty children either. Also - be skinny. NOT for your husband, that's a laugh, no one loves him, especially not you. No, do it so you can FLIRT WITH THE POOLBOY AND FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF. 

Okay, so maybe my tendency to scream at the commercials is another reason why we don't have TV. The point remains. Our entire culture is saturated in single. 

Thing is... Anthem and I are no longer part of that culture. And I swear to you, we are so much happier because of it. Marketing aside (really, I mean it) single culture is exhausting. Flirting, wondering if he likes you, wondering if he's commitment material, how far is too far, I just want to go on a date, the entire bar scene, trying to be available without being too available because what if your grandma is right and being too smart means that you'll be forever alone because boys are intimidated by smart women, and the list goes on for literally ever. It's. Exhausting. It's also bullshit. But its almost impossible to see it when you're in it. 

*Sigh* so much so that it's difficult to explain. So instead, I'm going to focus on what it's like outside of it. 

1) Outside of it, I get to enjoy who I am. "Sure," you think, "Because Anthem loves you for who you are. That's why I'm trying so hard to get someone!" Not exactly. I get to enjoy who I am because I no longer care about 'getting someone'. The more I am myself, the easier I am to be around. That's just logic. 

2) We're a team. He is not an idiot and I am not controlling. He is the leader, but is wise enough to not try and do everything himself. For instance, it is well known that I am the keeper of the checkbook. Because out of the two of us, I'm the best for the job. He's still the leader. 

3) You suffer and joy together. He helps me with the chores I'm not a huge fan of, because doing it together makes it easier. We share the things we LOVE together, and it is all the more joyous because it is shared. 

4) You stop listening to the world to a large extent, and as you do, the silly voices become quieter and quieter and you begin to realize how enormously stupid they always have been. You stop caring about what the world thinks of you, or your marriage and just let it be. You stop wondering how you must look to the outside. You stop waiting for the other shoe to fall. You start becoming aware that you'll never, ever fully know your spouse and that's really okay. Maybe it's even a wonderful thing. You start doing things as one, instead of just together, and begin to understand the difference. You realize that everyone who makes jokes about marriage being miserable makes you sad because you aren't, even though it seems to be the 'fad' to be miserably married. You start to realize that the entire time you were single you were really, really selfish. You begin to realize that you can't become a better person by yourself. 

5) You begin to understand what Paul was talking about. Despite what the culture around you says, being married is a hell of a lot easier than being single. At least it is for us. And for our friends. 

All in all... Single culture sucks. And I'm glad we're not in it anymore. And to be honest, we're working to stay out of it. Which means that most of our closest friends are married. The ones who are single are really very mature. (I'm looking at you, Miss Erica.) Anyway, my prayer for you single ladies (especially, though you guys as well) is to blessed enough to see outside of the culture you're immersed in. And maybe, if we all stop acting like 'culturally acceptable' (Christian or not, virgin or not, promise ring or not, we all still act like single people) single people, we'll all be a lot less miserable. 

Day 448 - Never Have I Ever

The week before my wedding I was on the phone with my brother. It was 11pm and he was beyond upset with me. I was beyond frustrated with him. In case you didn't know, my brother was not happy about my marriage to Anthem. It was not what he wanted for me. It was not what he wanted from me. We were arguing. I said, "I don't care if you don't approve. Mom does, and she knows me a hell of a lot better than you. She supports me."

He said, "Of course she does. She'd support you in anything. She's supporting you now. It's pathetic. You're what, twenty five? And you've never even had a real job."

I hung up on him. He didn't know what he was talking about. I had worked hard, wherever I could find work, for years trying to work my way up. I had two jobs at the time, one professional, one retail, though I had to quit both when I moved to Texas. And I've blogged a few times about the physical/spiritual journey that is the job hunt down here. At first, I wanted a job that would make Anthem proud. I didn't want to work in a grocery store or retail. I was afraid Anthem would be ashamed of having a wife in a position like that. I know better now. Anthem values a wife that works for her family (as I have been, though technically unemployed) and a wife that finds value in herself - he does not assign me value based on what position I hold in a company. That was revolutionary to me. Due to the influence of my (wonderful, though flawed) father and (work in progress) brother, I had always assumed that I had to have a position to be proud of, and that without it, no one would be proud of me, or think well of me. God bless him everyday, my amazing gift of a husband has changed that for me. He has shown me, he has taught me, that I am valuable for no other reason than who I am. And under his care and love, have blossomed into the best version of myself I have ever been. And also the truest. I am just... me.

Which is why, I've never been more proud of myself than I am today. A few days ago, a wonderful woman spent hours of her afternoon off helping me fix my resume to honestly reflect my experience and ability, and taught me how to write effective cover letters. She's amazing, and truly believes that I'll be employed in two weeks or less in a professional setting. I've been applying my brains out, and pray that she is right. It would be wonderful. As I was leaving, she asked if until I found employment, whether I would be willing to clean her house for her. As we had been talking, I had mentioned how cleaning actually calms me and helps me get settled. I said I'd love to, and I start tomorrow.

Anthem knows I took her offer to clean her house, he doesn't know I start tomorrow. And I can hardly wait to tell him because I know he'll be so proud of me. Because I genuinely enjoy cleaning. Because the pay is very good. Because we could use the extra money and because I enjoy doing anything that is good for us. Because I no longer judge people by the 'level' of employed that they are. Because I no longer judge myself by the level of employed that I am, and that's all because of Anthem.

Never have I ever liked myself more. Never have I ever been more proud of myself. Never have I ever been so happy. Never have I ever been as blessed as I am right now, to love and be loved by Anthem.

Day 447 - Not My Responsibility

I've talked a few times about how people I once counted as friends, even close friends, have refused to recognize my marriage, let alone agree to honor and protect it. Some cut themselves off from me, others required me to do the cutting. Even in the midst of all of this, I have always wanted to explain to them what I was doing and why - which, in case you were curious - has always been a fruitless endeavor.

I always felt bad about cutting them off. I didn't want them to feel abandoned by me, or (as has been known to occur) blame Anthem for my actions and think poorly of him. However, I have recently come to the conclusion that:

a) No one 'needs' me. Don't get me wrong. I love the friends I have in my life and wouldn't trade them, but I have learned that they come and go in seasons, even the ones that stick with you for life. I am not necessary to anyone's walk. 

b) While I am tired of people misunderstanding my motives, my actions, my marriage, and especially my husband, how people perceive my actions is outside of my control, and not my responsibility. 

c) What is my responsibility is guarding my marriage, honoring my husband, and being a godly wife. Doing what is best for Anthem and I, being above suspicion, and working as one are my responsibilities. I try to always make sure that everyone knows what an amazing man, and husband, Anthem is. But there is nothing I can do for those who are determined to misunderstand and slight him. 

d) I don't have to explain what I am doing or why to anyone who is not Anthem or my spiritual leaders. I do not 'owe' anyone that. My responsibility is to Anthem. Anyone that does not value, honor, and protect our marriage has lost any 'right' to anything when it comes to me. Period. 

Maybe I just needed to remind myself of all of this. I'm not even sure if this will make sense to anyone else, or that anyone else will even agree with me. And I'm okay with that. Because I know I'm doing whats best for me, and for us. And that's the only thing I am responsible for. 

Day 446 - He Loves Me Tenderly

Anthem... so many thoughts, memories, and emotions come to me just at the mention of his name. When we married, we knew we were building our marriage on a foundation of respect rather than love. But it did not take long for the love to rise up, and rise up strongly. Though, notably, the love has never outstripped the respect. They have risen like a tide together, and this has made for relatively smooth sailing in the beginning of a marriage between two people who hardly knew each other. I am absolutely floored by the grace of our God in such a precious, precious gift.

The heart of this post is summed up in three scenes from the past week. 

1: Driving home from a Soaking Sessions.

"I want to tell you something, Anthem, but you can't tell anyone else." He nodded, and I continued. "As strong willed as I am, I thoroughly enjoy the fact that you are stronger willed, and can rein me in when I need it. I just... wanted to thank you. It's much easier to be a good follower when I know I've got such a good leader."

He turned and looked at me, squeezed my hand, and said, "You know, love, its true in reverse too."

2: Home Depot Parking Lot

It is important to understand that at this point we're driving around in the truck and have plants and packages everywhere. We've been enjoying a street fair for hours and are stopping at Home Depot to pick up the supplies to properly replant the plants we purchased, one of which is on the seat divider, two are in my lap, and two are by my feet. Anthem and I are discussing the books we just purchased, and are so into the conversation that we were both hanging out the doors, unwilling to take the half a second to get out of the truck and walk around to continue it. Then, out of nowhere, Anthem says, 

"I appreciate you. I just... I have never, ever enjoyed spending time with someone as much as you. I so thoroughly enjoy you. You are cool, my love. I love you."

Obviously, I grinned, thoroughly pleased. I nodded, and said, "Ditto. So. Much. Ditto."

3: Sunday Morning

It's 7:45 am. We are both exhausted. Anthem is trying to wake up his voice as the praise team does a final rehearsal before the 8:30 service. Saturday was a blissful break from our hectic schedule, but we're both feeling the pressure as Soaking Sessions gets closer and closer to it's start date, and my job search continues fruitlessly, and Anthem works all the time, either unpaid at the church, or paid trying to make sure we can pay all our bills. I know he feels the pressure. We make eye contact and he motions for me to get his throat spray, which we usually keep in my purse so we're never without it when he needs it. However, this morning, it is absent. I've got nothing. He shrugs and mouths, "It's okay." And then tells the worship leader, "I'll just get some water." Except he doesn't have time to leave the stage. So I get up, get a cup, fill it with water, and set it near him. In the middle of a song, he takes the time to make eye contact with me, and mouth, "Thank you." And blow me a kiss. Despite everything that is going on around us, he takes the time to genuinely thank me for such a little thing. 

What has been forming in my heart all week now comes to a head: He is tender with me. His love for me is tender. His love for me is tender. I am his, and he protects me, and is kind and gentle and loves me and appreciates me. And he is mine and I respect him more than I have ever respected any man, delight in being his partner, and love him deeply. His gentle tenderness is teaching me so much about God, and how He loves. I have never, ever been loved like Anthem loves me. And none of us have ever been loved as God loves us. It's... really, really enlightening. 

Lesson: Ladies. There is a difference between mush and tenderness. Mush happens when there is a romantic light in the air and you're dancing under the stars and he whispers in your ear. (Mush can be awesome, btw, but it is no substitute for tenderness.) Tenderness is when he is constantly loving and gentle in the midst of pressure and strife and storm. Tenderness will draw you closer together when life gets rough. Mush will only last as long as the mood music does. One is a lovely treat. The other a marriage strengthener. 

Day 445 - My Marriage Isn't Trendy... Because We're One

Something happened yesterday that has me seriously saddened for the state of our culture. I realized, shockingly, that a happy marriage with respectful boundaries is, to put it quite simply, out of style. It's not popular. It's not something most people aspire to, hope for, or have any respect for in others. It... grieves me.

In fact, I was shocked to discover, it seems that it is something that is disrespected, misunderstood, and attacked.

I was talking to a dear friend about it yesterday, and she agreed with my lament. She knows of a marriage in which boundaries are not respected, neither by the spouses, nor those outside of it. The wife of said union has continued to communicate with her guy friends as if she was still single, and the guy friends continuing to communicate with a married woman without acknowledging her marriage. And it's damaging the marriage, throwing it into precarious situations so early in it's forming.

Anthem and I have set up boundaries for our marriage to protect it, to protect each other, and to protect ourselves. For that reason, we are completely transparent with each other. Our phones are used interchangeably, and unless it's 'girl stuff' (ie Erica or Emily and I talking endlessly via text) Anthem is the first to know, as it's very often an update or question that involves both of us. Most of our friends know that we use our phones interchangeably, and so if they can't get a hold of one of us, they'll text the other. Or text us simultaneously. We know each other's passwords to e-mail and facebook (and honestly are going to try to merge our personal facebooks in time), not because we need to 'check-up' on each other, but because of how we live, and what we're doing, we often need to use each other's friend lists, updates, or information.

And to my ever living, jaw dropping shock, people find that offensive. I have not yet gotten to what we ask of others in our marriage, only what we do with each other. And I have been told, multiple times, that this is offensive. Why, you might ask? I certainly did. Here is what I was told:

a) It disrespects me as an individual. Married or not, privacy is a basic right that my husband is denying me.

b) It shows a complete lack of trust on our part, and lack of respect for each other. It's co-dependency at it's worst.

c) It's a misrepresentation to our friends. They are expecting to speak to us as individuals, not a couple.

Utterly flabbergasted, I'm going to start with the basics. I'm married. We're intimate. I feel the need to clarify. Intimate does not mean sexually active. It is much, much more than that. The intimacy between a husband and a wife is... more than I had ever imagined. Because it's not just knowing each other, it's not just spending a whole lot of time together, it's not even about making children (which is an amazing, amazing thing), it's about being one. One. Not two people living together, not two people sleeping together, but two as one. As one, as our bodies are no longer our own, so it is with our things. They become ours. So, to us, it seems completely natural to share phones and accounts and computers.

To put it directly, privacy is not a right my husband is denying me. I voluntarily gave up my 'right' to privacy when I said my vows. Anthem did the same. Not because we don't trust each other, but to protect our marriage from those who don't respect it.

It is not a lack of trust on our part, nor a lack of respect, nor is it co-dependent. I trust my husband implicitly. And he trusts me. And we build that trust with transparency. To be very, very honest, it is the world we do not trust. The world we will not trust. The world we cannot trust. Which is why we set boundaries for how the world interacts with us. This protects us from a culture that does not value our marriage, seeks to destroy it rather than protect it.

It is an assumption we make with each other that our friends see us as one. I'm not expecting Erica to suddenly start texting James about how much periods suck. I am expecting her to understand if she texts me about it, and James sees it by accident and passes it to me. Or even responds with, "Hey sorry, I've got Val's phone today. You can text her on mine, or I'll forward it to her." And because Erica knows our marriage, she'd blush on the other end of the text and say, "It's cool, I understand." And she would. Not a big deal. Our family here in Texas has taken to doing much the same. If they can't get a hold of one of us, they'll text the other. Again, not a big deal, and even stranger... No one seems to think it's weird.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I'm getting very tired of having to explain things that seem very, very normal to me. Like being one with my husband. Like sharing our stuff. Like protecting our marriage. One of the safeguards we have put to practice in our marriage is to limit one-on-one contact with the opposite sex. There are exceptions to the guidelines. Our pastor sometimes texts me directly, but that's rare. It's usually just when he needs to get a hold of Anthem. And things for work are necessary. A lot of our friends are mutual, for which I am thankful. We spend time together as couples. Those that aren't, we are with together, or stick to our gender. We enjoy this (yes, we enjoy this) because it gives us freedom with each other. Because it protects us, and because it keeps us above suspicion. Everyone, everyone, knows how seriously we take our marriage. There is no room for anyone to create division, or to create suspicion.

And I'm grieved that so many of my one time 'friends' have decided that respecting my marriage is the line in the sand that they will not cross, and when I will not budge from the side of my husband, they hurl insults (usually at my husband) and walk away. I'm grieved that I was so deceived by so many. I'm grieved that our culture sees 'the retention of personal rights' as more important than a marriage. I'm grieved that marriage, the word, is no longer understood for what it is, but is just seen as something you do in a long term relationship. I'm just... grieved. Marriage, or lack thereof, has become something to do. People, spouses, have become dispensable once they no longer make you happy. I'm grieved.

And I'm done. I'll explain our marriage to anyone that asks, because I find it incredibly uplifting to hear stories of similar marriages, and love to share ours. But there is no room to tolerate anyone who is actively trying to undermine our marriage. None. And that will never, ever change.

Day 444 - Poverty

Be prepared, today's blog includes a very large amount of brutal honesty about the thing I don't like to talk about - ever. Money. And the fact that I don't have very much of it. At all. Happily, 99% of the people reading this wouldn't know that. Because our lifestyle doesn't reflect it. We eat well, we like to entertain, we have a lovely (though cheap rent!) apartment full of awesome stuff, and all of our bills are paid in full, on time.  But often times after the bills are paid, there is less than 3 dollars left in our bank account. It gets that close. 

I have no idea how it happens. Every month it looks like we're not going to make it. And every month we do. I've never been particularly pleased with the situation. I don't understand why God seems to insist on keeping us walking such a thin line. And understand, I do everything in my power to stretch every dollar as far as it will possibly go. We don't waste any money. And every month, regardless of how much James works, or how hard I look for a job and just keep running into walls, we always have just enough. God has heard a lot of prayers that were me whining, begging for financial blessing, and struggling with anger against my apparent powerlessness. Often, I have heard nothing but silence back. 

But today, He gave me a sort of brainwave as an answer. All week I've had the idea that I need to start looking for jobs again, particularly a part time job. I struggled with it a few months ago because I just couldn't take the constant rejection, the frustration. But the brainwave, the blessed, gracious brainwave, was realizing that through my poverty God has transformed my identity. 

I'm not nearly as timid as I used to be. When I first started looking for a job, James wondered why I didn't just go around literally 'pounding the pavement', aka: going around and physically handing out my resume. I thought he was insane. He wanted me to go chase rejection... in person!? I could hardly handle it over e-mail. And the one interview I had went dismally. Which, in case you were curious, was the first time I've ever not rocked an interview. Now, thinking of going around handing out my resume seems like a really good idea. Because whether or not I get any job is no longer my identity. Now, it's simply showing that I'm a go-getter. I know I'm qualified, I know I'm skilled, I know I'm loyal and dedicated, and I know I'd make an excellent employee. I also know that God has His hand on my life, every single aspect, and that if He wants me to have a job, or not have a job, I will accept His will joyfully.  

But how does this come from poverty? Valid question. Because of the realization that I am utterly powerless when it comes to God's will in my life. I've given it to Him a thousand times in prayer, and He has taken me seriously. No matter what I do, God is in charge. And because I know, in faith, that everything God does is for my good, regardless of whether or not I understand it. Because God has made sure that we are completely taken care of, no matter how bad it looked. Because I've realized that even though I am ashamed of my poverty, that it has had no bearing on how people see me, how much my husband loves me, or any other impact on my life whatsoever. It has instead made me thankful for the blessings I do have, and determined to be a faithful steward regardless of how much, or how little, money I have. 

Being jobless (and therefore having less money) has also given me the opportunity to do things other than work. I volunteer, I have time to go to a whole lot of activities, I've gotten time to find qualities in myself that I am proud of, and have found that to God and my husband, I am valuable and wonderful even if I never make another cent. My job doesn't define me. Not one little bit. And that... feels amazing. 

I've never been so thankful to have been broke. And if He's not done teaching me, then by all means let it continue. Because His grace is what matters most, and I embrace it. Even if it's in the form of poverty. 

Through my poverty, He has given me joy. God be praised.