Day 459 - What Happened To The Rabbit Hole?

As you can see, the blog has once again changed. Not just a redesign, but a change in direction as well.

I began the journey of 1,000 Days In The Rabbit Hole over three years ago. Much has changed since then, myself most of all. Not just age, location, and marital status, but worldview, lifestyle, and purpose. The Sparkly Marshmallow Theory of Life, though wonderfully useful and enlightening in in my early 20's, now suits me like an ill fitted evening gown. The Rabbit Hole does not change, though my understanding of it continues to expand with time and experience. And thus the 1,000 days is not truly over, and as a remnant I will continue to number the posts. 

While I love sharing my thoughts with the world (my vanity loves the audience), I've also come to realize that sitting down, contemplating events, episodes, trials, and blessings in their turn helps me a great deal, whether or not anyone reads them. 

So it's time to change my digital outfit to better suit my changed inner voice. The blog will probably undergo a number of design and possibly name changes over the next few weeks as I attempt to fine tune everything and get resuited to blogging. 

This time around the focus will be on laughing through honesty as I continue to learn how to navigate this life with grace. There will be recipes, plenty of DIYs, tips and tidbits about frugality, as well as things I really ought to have learned before my mid twenties. There will be questions without answers, problems without solutions, and loose ends like you would not believe. And I promise to always be honest in regards to myself, though like before I might change names to protect privacy. 

I hope you will join me as I intentionally learn from all that God gives me. The good, the bad, and the mind boggling. I hope you will tell me your stories, in honesty and humor, and that we might continue along together as friends. I hope a great many things, and have little fear of being disappointed. Life, while often different from our expectations, rarely disappoints when we ask for grace. 

Day 458 - Talking Donkeys

I got fired. Not for anything I did, or didn't do. That was made clear. But because my personality just wasn't as 'bubbly' as what they were wanting. I can't argue with that. Despite the fact that pregnancy has made me a much nicer person, in general. Well, at least more 'girly' according to most. And definitely more feminine. If this isn't 'bubbly' enough for them, I'm never going to be. And I'm okay with that.

I was incredibly thankful for my job, and would have never quit. But honestly, I cried in relief when I found out I didn't have to go in Monday morning. Not because I hated my job, or because it was torture, but because I am so tired. Because I have been desperate for more time with my husband, and time to catch up on my pregnancy. It's been a month since I've read any articles about what is happening to my body and my baby. 

And sure, part of me wants to panic because we needed that job and now I'm unemployed, 4 months pregnant, and it's a week before Thanksgiving. But I'm not going to. And here's why. 

I was talking to my mom about it this morning, and she said, "Well it sounds to me like a talking donkey."

"Say what?"

"You would have never quit that job. And they didn't fire you because of job performance, but what sounds like a highly personal issue that had little to do with you. It was for a time, and when the time was over, God intervened because He knew you'd never quit. He's changing your course."

I thought it over for a few moments, and she had a point. This was a talking donkey. Not that I was doing something wrong, but that it was time to make another change. I may be rather limited for my next options, as I'm limited in a 'physical labor' aspect and by 'physical labor' I mean standing more than fifteen minutes at a time. But I'm excited for what comes next. Nothing about what we learned during my extended unemployment has changed. God always provided. It was extraordinarily tight sometimes, but we made it. Being pregnant does not change who God is or how He loves us. 

So Anthem and I are just looking forward, because the next step is right around the corner, and in the mean time I get to enjoy this wonderful holiday season with my new family and sleep in and clean my house and catch up on reading and crochet my little heart out. And frankly: I've never been more excited or happier in my life. 

And because I'm pregnant, that thought makes me a little teary. But I think Paul knew what it felt like, even if he wasn't raging on hormones. The peace that passes understanding. Being excited about being in a tight place because you just know deep down in your heart that it's the right thing and that it's not up to you and all you have to do is trust, let go of what you never had a hold of, and look forward. Because I am. 

Day 457 - Texas, Home Sweet Home

Yesterday my mom ran into one of my old teachers. They talked about a lot, though I did come up. The teacher said she had heard I was pregnant, and she was happy for me. I know the teacher. She's just saying that. She always wanted 'great' things for me, and being a pregnant worship leaders wife working as a patient coordinator in a dermatologists office, regardless of how ridiculously happy I am, would not qualify as 'great'.

I'm not sure what 'great' is. When I was in high school I thought it was becoming a lawyer. When I was in college I thought it was any high powered job that would make a for a fast paced career, or at least a big move in my life that had me doing once in a lifetime stuff that took a lot of bravery even if it meant a lot of ramen noodles. What I've come to realize about most of these ideas of 'great' that were floating around in my head were of me as single, self sufficient, and far too busy for 'love' or if I had to endure such a thing, 'love' that was always on the back burner. And kids... kids seemed like a failure that one must endure if one feels obligated to.

I'm overjoyed about being pregnant, even with all of the sickness and not being flush with money. I love my husband more than I have words to express, and am happier with my life than I could have ever imagined. I adore my unborn child and can't believe I'm so blessed as to be making children, and soon to be raising children, with Anthem. I love our tiny apartment. I love what I've learned about money through poverty. I even love my job, though I'll probably love it more when I'm not sleeping so much that I have little life outside of it.

Missing the cold of Iowa while getting used to the warmth of my new home has led me to remember more than usual. And be thankful. There was so much negativity in Iowa. Life was such a struggle. I had a lot to learn, and I'm thankful for all I went through, though I wish I hadn't put myself through quite so much. Alas. I don't know. I don't mean to be mean, but tonight when I took a shower all I could think of was washing all of that off of me for good.

I'm a Texan now. This is my home. And while I will forever mock Texans about their lack of ability to function under 40 degrees, and try my hardest to make sure my children have midwestern accents, I love it here. I love that we hardly even listen to the Supreme Court here because we're Texas and we do whatever we please. I love that we all have guns. I feel safer because we all have guns. I love that we asked our neighbors to chill out on the smoking because I'm pregnant and THEY DID IT. For real. They cut down on their smoking indoors and now go out to their cars. Because they're nice people. Because they're Texans.

I'm a pregnant, worship leader's wife, working as a patient coordinator in a dermatologists office, living in a tiny apartment in Texas and I am doing something great. I am living my life. Not the life anyone else had planned for me. Not the life I had planned. But the life I was given an opportunity to explore and run with and enjoy each and every moment with the greatest man I've ever met. That life. That life is great.

Day 456 - The Best Part

Update on the pregnancy: I'm on medication to keep food down as it was getting to a dangerous level of losing my meals. Which is great. I can keep food down, and feel much better most nights.

But today's post only has a small amount to do with pregnancy and a large amount to do with marriage. I know I'm still a newly wed, but I think we have our own brand of wisdom. Maybe not compared to those who have 10-60 years under their belt, but learning is learning and I wish I had known some things when I was single.

I thought I knew what I was 'waiting' for. I didn't. It's so much better. For example:

1) Every date night ends with you going home with your hottie. Every. Single. One.

2) Because of #1 - date nights usually don't end until you actually fall asleep, in bed, in whatever it is you wear to bed, wrapped around a hottie.

3) He doesn't mind when you get knocked up with his kid. In fact, he's over the moon about it. Because he always wanted kids with you. It's why he waited until your wedding night to make love to you. Because he respected you, even then, as the mother of his children.

4) Every day is an adventure. Today I came home and my husband was composing. It was awesome. Some days we do just lie in bed for the evening but that's just because I'm pregnant, exhausted, and often nauseated. But even our errand days are amazing because we spend them together.

5) You get out of yourself. I get tired of my own voice in my head. Anthem brings me clarity in ways I yearned after for years. He helps me cut through the nonsense, not by focusing on it or me, but by drawing my focus away from myself.

6) You get out of yourself. I really cannot stress that enough. It's glorious.

7) It's 10x easier to try new things when the greatest person you've ever known is holding your hand and doing it with you.

8) Love isn't always unrequited. There's a lot more... tempestuous and heady emotion during the highs and lows of crushes and infatuations and unrequited love and all it's drama. But when the person smashing himself against you loves you as deeply as you love him... well it's like breathing deeply for the first time of your favorite scent.

9) There is something deeply satisfying about being known intimately. There are things about me, and I'm not even talking about intimate things, that only Anthem knows. Because only Anthem bothered to find them out.

10) Stretching yourself feels good. Stretching yourself frees you. The more you do it, the easier it is. The first time Anthem wanted me to watch an anime series with him, I honestly thought, "Oh great. A guy who watches cartoons in his mid twenties. Awesome." Note: if that isn't dripping with sarcasm, you're reading it wrong. However, knowing how intelligent he was, I chose to grudgingly give it a try. And I fell in love. It's my favorite anime series to this day. The Last Airbender in case you were curious. Seriously. Not the movie, that was awful. The cartoon. So good. Anyway. I discovered that anime is a fantastic medium to express depth of emotion and creativity. (For depth of emotion try Full Metal Alchemist. That is heavy and makes you want to cry.) For creativity, Howl's Moving Castle. Beautiful. It's not about being a twenty something that still watches cartoons. It's about being wise enough to embrace all art forms, even those that are judged as childish.

There's a lot more. But that's all I have the energy for tonight. Ladies... don't chase the emotions. Men... don't chase drama queens. Steady love is just as exciting, I promise.

Day 455 - The Pregnancy Diaries

By the time you're reading this, I'll have written it about three months ago. The first trimester is something that Anthem and I are keeping for close family and friends. But I want to document it, for me. For us. For our child. So I'm just writing down all the things that have happened the last week and a half.

Sept 13: Anthem and I find out we're pregnant. And I take 3 tests just to make sure. 

Sept 14-15: We tell our family and listen to many women scream in gleeful excitement. It's incredibly encouraging, and very emotionally draining. 

Sept 16: I get hired at my new job, and have a doctor's appointment to confirm pregnancy. 

Sept 17: Morning sickness and extreme fatigue kick in. 

Sept 22: The couple we asked to be our child's godparents accepted. 

So we're at September 24th right now, and I love the baby growing inside me. I love learning about it, and planning with Anthem. I love that Anthem talks to the baby already. I love that Anthem is so incredibly kind, considerate, and helpful.

I hate pregnancy. I loathe everything about it. I hate being sick all the time. I hate dry heaving in the morning because there is nothing in my stomach to throw up. I hate feeling like I'm going to lose what little I was able to eat whenever I get tired, and I am tired all the time. I hate being tired all the time and asking James to do every single thing around the house because I just can't get up. I hate going to bed at 8pm every night because I'm exhausted. I hate that my boobs are so sensitive, they hurt if the wind blows them wrong. I hate the headaches. I hate the constant emotions that make me want to cry. 

Like when our dear friends agreed to be the godparents of our new child. I about burst into tears. Or when I couldn't keep dinner down and burst into tears. Or when Anthem texts me to tell our baby that he loves it and I burst into tears because knowing Anthem is going to be the greatest father I could possibly imagine and nothing moves me more than knowing that my children will be so loved and cared for by their father. By my husband. Whose life has already changed due to their tiny little appearance. 

I mean good tears. But lots of them.

The bottom line is that it's nothing like what I expected. I love Haven, but I'm not crazy about what that little one is doing to my body, my hormones, or my energy levels. Puking up dinner doesn't make the miracle of life any less miraculous. It just makes it a bit more... human.

Let me finish with this statement: I'm never whining about periods ever again. 

Day 454 - Ode to 4:16am

The alarm goes off but I don't hear it. But I hear the door as you slip outside. I've still got a few minutes.

The sheets cool off as I try to curl into them and trap your heat. It escapes anyway. 

I hear the door again. I feel your arms around me, and wrap mine around you, and tuck my head into you.

And then you're gone. 

And I can't sleep. 

It wasn't always like this. In the beginning, it was my favorite part of the night. No longer fighting you for my designated foot of space. No longer overheated by your furnace of a body. No longer worrying if my tossing and turning will wake you. No longer fighting you for the covers you like to throw off and get tangled in. 

But now... unless we're tangled or touching I can't get comfortable. Now I need your heat to balance out my stolen blankets. Now I need to be fighting for my foot, and tucked into you, to feel comfortable. You keep me still. Now...

The house is too quiet. The sheets are too cold. I've got far too much room to get comfortable. It's a useless fight. So it's my wake up time too.

Around 6, when the sun starts to come up, and the birds start to move, and it's not so quiet, and it's not so cool, I can finish the night. A last hour or two. 

That's why I'm so tired in the mornings. I haven't been up as long as you, or working. But I'm still pretty beat. It's my morning routine. Missing you. 

Day 453 - It Isn't Always Overnight

Life takes time. No matter how much you do, there is always more. No matter how wise you become, there is always more wisdom to be obtained. There is no rushing it. It goes on, and we go with it, changing every moment. Hopefully for the better.

In this instant gratification world we live in every moment is filled and every meal needs to be 30 minutes or less and change needs to be NOW. Instant.

But... despite our obsession with instant, some things are going to take a little (or a lot) of time and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. And most of the things that take time are very much worth it. And every moment doesn't need to be filled with something taking my attention.

Which leads me to two conclusions we (as a couple) have come to in the past few days.

1) No more Netflix. Anthem and I have both felt convicted separately that it's time for it to go. We have to much we need to be doing and it's too easy to just turn it on and let it play. No more. It's time to retrain the brain to function without background noise (or at least as much of it). And this too will take time. It will not be an overnight transformation, but a small step in a direction we know we need to go. And we're not sure what it will look like as it goes on - I can't plan it - it takes time.

2) Some foods need time too. Not all meals can be made in 30 minutes or less. I love onion soups. I love them. But they need time. You can't just whip one of those up or your soup will taste like raw onion (which is tasty, but not in a soup). So I took the time to make a creamy onion soup. It was delicious. And it took almost two hours. And that's okay.

So... change doesn't happen overnight (all the time). And just because our society is a certain way, doesn't mean that life changes to match it. I really just want you to know that its okay to slow down. I needed to know that too.