Day Sixty Eight - Onions in Butter

Onions in butter. I've had hour long conversations about how that is indeed the best smell in the world if you're hungry. It's savory. It's mesmerizing. It's a siren call that lets you know there is some really good food headed your way. If you know the smell, you know what I'm taking about. If you don't, go find someone who loves to cook and ask them to make you ANYTHING that starts with onions in butter. But my blog isn't about cooking. Its about sparkly marshmallows and the rabbit hole. That's right. You guessed it. Analogy.

Onions in butter is a constant in the universe. It will always smell like heaven on earth. It doesn't matter if you're having a bad day or a great one. It doesn't matter if you screwed up at work, or if your friend is mad at you, or if you feel lost in this life of constant decisions. It doesn't matter if everything is going well. Onions in butter is constantly, consistently good. Some things in life just are. 

Most of our constants in life change. Our best friends change over the years, our family shrinks and grows as time goes by. We create our own families. We move from our childhood home and start on our own. We lose our parents. But onions in butter doesn't change. and neither does the God we serve. 

But just because some constants change over time doesn't mean that we are to be rootless souls. Take the time to appreciate your constants while you have them, and don't be afraid to count on them. Onions and butter will smell good every single time I start to fry them. My family will be there for me, even when we don't get along. I can come home to my wonderful apartment, even though I know I won't live here forever. And just like onions and butter, my God is good all the time and I always have cause to praise Him. 

Day Sixty Seven - *bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

There are no words for my frustrations today other than any number of ones that could be classified by the FCC as a bleep. Pick the third nastiest one you can think of and that's probably the one I'm thinking of. (Working at a bar with certain individuals taught me that I am not nearly as corrupt as I like to think I am.) Don't get me wrong, today has had it's good moments, but most of them were some various form of awful.

I didn't get today off, I worked instead, and worked while I had a friend over, and dealt with maybe one of the most... well just add another bleep where the adjective should be... person I've dealt with... maybe ever. Having dealt with the 2am crowd every Friday and Saturday at a popular bar, that's really saying something. It took all of my control not to scream at said person but instead use thinly veiled sarcasm that, thank the Good Lord who watches out for me even in my moments of evil, she never caught. On top of that, once I started working, my OCD got triggered and I couldn't finish until I was satisfied that I had finished all that really should be done before morning, since I was working anyway, etc. Great. Until my computer decided that it really wasn't loving its internet connection and so wanted to continually sever it, only to have me do a troubleshoot, check itself, and then forget the solution and bleep itself over again. I honestly think it did this close to 50 times. The fact that my computer is inside and not laying broken in the snow in my alley is a testament to the two things I really wanted to talk about in this rage filled blog.

1) We'll call him Tex. Tex was playing the piano when I called him, rather desperate and panic-y. (For you see, without the internet, I am incapable of doing my job. Which is not good considering the mountain of e-mails that need to be sent first thing in the morning.) Tex, out of the goodness of his heart, spent the next three hours on the phone with me trying to help me fix the problem. (Which, may I add, it currently seems like he was successful!) He kept saying things to keep me calm and make me laugh, and I quote, "I want you to breathe like a little breathing panda," and then insisted on referring to me as 'my little panda' for the duration of the conversation. Tex... Tex kept me from going into a full blown panic. I was literally inches away from bursting into tears. Remember that work OCD I mentioned? Yea, not being able to do my job on a crucial day like tomorrow would literally make me burst into tears of failure. Regardless of the fact that,

2) I know I've said it a MILLION times but dammit I'm gonna say it a million more. I have the best boss ever. She didn't go into a full blown panic attack. She didn't do anything negatively. She simply said, "I'm sure we can work something out, I have most of the files I'd need if I needed to take over tomorrow morning." Seriously. BEST. BOSS. EVER.

3) So onto the happy conclusion that we all knew I was getting at: I guess, if I had to neatly gift wrap all the bleep that was today into a message it would be this: Life is going to have its really bleepy days. But its the people you surrounded yourself with during the good ones that are going to be the people you have during the bleepy ones, so choose wisely. If I didn't have Tex and my Boss Lady, there is a solid chance I'd have had a small mental snap due to stress. Instead, I take deep breaths like a little breathing panda, and go to sleep watching Mythbusters streaming on Netflix.

CAUSE I HAVE THE INTERNET AGAIN!

This blog is dedicated to Tex and all the random bleep that comes out of his mouth, only a small fraction of which is documented on Facebook. The message he literally just sent to me? "Joyous day! Joyous night! All the little breathing pandas of the world unite!" Oh Tex, I'm going to keep writing this stuff down and in a few hundred days, we'll have the *bleep that Tex says* blog.

Day Sixty Six - Do You Hear The Words Coming Out Of Your Mouth?

I'd be willing to make the declaration that 99% of all people act like nicotine addicts, myself included. Allow me to explain.

Everyone and their brother knows that smoking is downright AWFUL for you. It can kill you. But quitting is a bitch. Quitting has to be motivated by will. If you don't want to quit, you're never going to. It's that simple. But the trick, at least in my limited experience, is that you have to CLING to that will, even when it dips waaaay low. You have to remember that you wanted to quit. You can't even give a craving the smallest foothold, or it will indeed defeat you. Because otherwise any puff of any smoke starts to sound like heaven on earth and every justification in the world will enter your head and convince you that what you need is a smoke. 

Except it's not just nicotine addicts that battle that. Its most of us. Especially those of us that struggle to follow God. Christianity, from the outside, makes very little logical sense. From the inside, it's the only thing that makes any sense to me, but I realize it took me years to get to that understanding. We're all confidence and hymns on the tops of the mountains, but we all struggle with the desire to jump ship when we hit the low points. But we have to CLING to that will that chose God in the first place. Suddenly God doesn't make any sense anymore, and justifications fill our head that all we need to do is walk away. 

Today, one of my dearest friends said the words, "I don't care what God says," in the midst of her pain and anger. I don't blame her. What she is going through is an emotional shit storm. And she needs a shoulder, but part of me wanted to whisper to her, "Do you hear the words coming out of your mouth? You don't care what God says?"

What God says is the only thing in this whole world that matters. With His word He created the known universe, with His word He created life, by His word we know He is faithful to deliver, His word sustains us. What He says is all that matters. And its hardest when we're hurting, when we're down, when we're bleeding, to still trust that He knows best. But He does. It was obvious to us when everything was great. We'd have told Him, we'd have sworn that nothing could change our confidence, that He could tell us all to jump off a bridge and we would, in blind trust, for He had proven Himself faithful. Just because life gets stormy and threatens to tear you apart doesn't mean that He is no longer faithful. It just means He knows you can handle more this time around than you could before. CLING to the knowledge that He is as faithful in the shit storm as He is in the sunshine. And don't give in, not even for the slightest moment, of entertaining the thought that because your situation has changed, that your God has. 

The question is not, even in our lowest, darkest, most painful moments, whether or not our God is faithful. The question is whether or not we will be faithful to Him. He'll forgive us and take us back, even when we aren't, but think of the joy we can bring to His heart, by clinging to His light even in the darkness. That is something to cling to indeed. 

Day Sixty Five - The Author of All Things

Sometimes, I have the irritating habit of stressing out about things that truly do not need to be stressed out about. Sometimes, I worry about things that I have no control over, and thusly waste a lot of energy. Sometimes, I forget that my life was written before I took my first breath and neglect to acknowledge the author, let alone look to Him for direction. If I had the perspective that my God really is the Author of all things, not only the Creator, then I would worry and stress a heck of a lot less.

I make the distinction between Author and Creator because there is one. He didn't just Create us and take a giant step back once He had set things in motion, the way the Diests believe. He is as intimately involved as an Author writing each move a character makes. Don't take my analogy too far, I do believe in free will, but I argue that having free will in no way 'trumps' omniscience. Just because I choose it, doesn't negate the fact that He knew I was going to. And unlike a human author, the Author invites us to join Him in the story He desires for our lives. He desires growth and redemption and glory, but like any good character, it takes time and trial to truly change.

But I have given up control of my life, most of it (I'm human, I struggle) anyway, and invited Him to take over for me. In my few years on earth, I've made some terrible messes when I took control of my own life. I always take responsibility, there is no passing that off, but when I took control, I always wound up in a very deep pile of shit. It is only when I hand over control that things begin to go smoothly again.

So here is a cheer to the residents of the Rabbit Hole, to not having control. And to constantly trying to remember that we gave up control for a reason, and to take it back in stormy weather is the worst possible decision we can make. He can get us through, without Him, we will most definitely crash. To not stressing, and to mixed metaphors. To having faith that all will be well, in this life or the next, and to having the gift of wisdom, for surely I can take no credit, of being second in command. To all things that make little to no sense to those standing on the outside, and to the peace that passes understanding, through storm and calm, through victory and defeat, through life and death, that all IS well.

Day Sixty Four - Just A Thought

There is a lot I could say today. About cooking, or work, or life in general. But I only had one real sort of epiphany today. And that is: I live like royalty.

I mean really. When I want a cup of tea, it takes 2 minutes. I take a cup, I push a lever to get a flow of clean water right into my kitchen, put in the microwave to heat it quickly, and add a tea bag. No one in the history of ever has been able to make tea that quickly. When I want roast chicken, I go to my freezer, add a little spice, and put it in the oven. Poof boom voila! I have chicken. Today, I ate chicken blt wraps. A tortilla with mayo, roast chicken, bacon bits, baby spinach, and grape tomatoes. It was delicious. And until this century, IMPOSSIBLE to eat in the winter. I have fresh baby spinach in January in Iowa. Same with the grape tomatoes. Look outside. Never before could people eat like this! And I don't even think about it on a daily basis.

Or how about the fact that I am never cold unless I have to be. I live indoors, away from the elements at all times unless I choose to be out in them. NEVER BEFORE IN HISTORY has this been possible to the level that it is now. We decide what our environment will be. Royalty didn't have this luxury in all the history of humanity.

Or travel. We can go anywhere we want around the world in a matter of hours. Not days or weeks or months. HOURS. And for not an excess amount of money. This is incredible!

The life of a middle or even lower class American is better than that of royalty in all the history of the world before us. That floors me. And I thank God for it. So next time you browse the fridge for a snack I encourage you to thank God for the luxury we all enjoy each and every day.

*P.S.* Lets also be thankful for indoor plumbing. I like showers and baths, but I LOVE waste management.

Day Sixty Three - My Microcosm Needs To Settle Down

I've talked, multiple times, about how much I love being a hermit. I do. I really, really do. But lately, I feel as if I haven't been able to be one. Life has been insane, full of all sorts of ups and downs, like some roller coaster with a rebellious nature and an addiction to Red Bull. I've also had to be rather social lately and it's left me more than a little drained. My own emotions swing back and forth within me when all I want to do is take a deep breath and make a meal plan or do some data entry. I'd just... I'd like it to settle down a bit.

I love waking up with unexpected joy, and doing a happy dance when I'm able to make a decent country gravy, but really, deep down, all I want is for tomorrow and Friday and Saturday to be quiet and normal. I want to work in peace while having Anderson Cooper on in the background. I want to have my 10 o'clock tea and my fifteen minute break to read devos. I want to make my own lunch and watch something from the discovery channel. I want to send e-mails. I want to make excel files. I want to do it all in my pajamas. I have a good life, I just... would like the normalcy to enjoy it.

Even in the Rabbit Hole, sometimes we all just need a day by a bay window to do nothing but be calm. I'm only human, I can only process so much at one time and in the previous few weeks, you know there has been a lot to process. I feel like I hit my wall. My body and mind are busy and my heart is full, but there is still some part of me that is very much in need of some peace and quiet. And that little part's need has gotten incessant. Everything just seems so... loud. Opinions and emotions, deadlines, social interaction, all of it just got so loud today. I want a little quiet. A little time to rest in the peace of busy hands and a thankful (though more quiet) heart. And I know the world isn't going to quiet down. It's only been getting louder and louder since we got out of the middle ages. Maybe there is some sort of metaphorical ear muff I could employ? Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

That and despite popular belief, my life has just been too unscheduled lately. Too much random, too much spontaneous, not enough constants. That, my dear friends, changes tomorrow. I highly doubt I will be doing anything that was not planned in advance until next Tuesday. For you see, next Tuesday I go to visit my brother, his wife, and their six children. There is no such thing as quiet there, and the unexpected happens every moment. But they're also really cute so it evens out.

Usually I'd come up with something neat and tidy to say, but I literally feel so out of my element I'm having trouble putting coherent sentences together. I need mythbusters, orange ginger lotion, and sleep. At least my nights are still properly scheduled.

Day Sixty Two - My Friend Henri

So I have this friend. His name is Henri. A while back he imparted some wisdom to me, and I recently rediscovered it. I thought I'd share his wisdom with you. (*Note* the term "He" means God.)

When He speaks, devote yourself to listening.
When He is silent, devote yourself to obeying.
When He says go, go with single minded thought.
When He says wait, wait with unparalleled patience.
When He says love, love without limit.
When He gives, receive joyfully and put no limit on His graciousness and love.
When He takes away, accept His will in perfect peace.
Devote yourself to applying the application of the Word, it will guide you.
Devote yourself to prayer, it will give you peace.
Keep your eyes open to answered prayer, it will encourage you.
Keep your eyes open to challenges set before you, they will move you.
Be strict in how you see yourself and hold firm to not who you are but who you are in Christ.
Be gracious to yourself and it will be far easier to be gracious to others through compassion.
Hold yourself to the standard of Christ’s life in you and hold to the standard of that life changing the world through interaction with the world.
Accept and embrace your weakness and delight yourself in it rather than punishing yourself for it, for that way can you full depend on God’s grace and rely on His strength.
Continue to learn but always take the time to reflect and apply what you have learned.
And most of all never forget why you are here and the purpose of what you have been called to. It is to glorify God and to bring everyone you come in contact with into a deeper relationship with God.
He is your purpose.
He is your focus.
He is your heartbeat.
He is your breath.
The best way to never forget is to constantly cultivate your love of God.

 - Henri