Day Three Hundred and Seven - Culture Shock

You ever think back to times in your life and say, "That wasn't so very different from now."? I do that a lot. I do believe I have mentioned in this blog that I used to work at a bar and had a number of lovely coworkers of whom I was very fond. I saw one of those coworkers tonight. And it was all I could do to keep my face looking normal.

This lovely girl whom I met about a year and a half ago has aged about 7 years. She looked, to be frank, terrible. Her eyes were sunken. She had wrinkles. Her hair looked thinner. And her smile screamed of hopelessness. I gave her a hug and asked her how she was and she showed me her new tattoos. She asked how I was and of course I immediately started gushing about Anthem. My Anthem. My wonderful Anthem. And then... then I remembered how different things really were when I worked there. How much I had gotten used to, and how now it seems completely foreign. I was suddenly culture shocked.

"Ooooh, he's cute! Do you send each other naked pictures?"

I just stared at her for a second. "Um, no. No." I had literally just finished telling her about the calling at 4:30 am to tell me he believed in me story. No.

She hit me lightly on the shoulder. "Phone sex?"

I blushed and looked down, "No, no." Don't get me wrong. I am incredibly attracted to Anthem and cannot wait to kiss him. But I'm also looking forward to holding his hand, to being able to hug him, to hold his face, to look in his eyes.

She laughed, really, really loudly. Unnecessarily loudly. "Ah! Of course you have. You have to do something. I just hope you bang this one. Okay. Well. I've got to go." And she was grabbing her bag and was gone. And I just stood. Culture shocked. She wasn't always like this, was she? I remember she used to drink a bit much at work, and we had to take care of her at work rather frequently, but... I remember when she was happy in a relationship. We've always had different values, different lifestyles. But this?

I hope she finds something that genuinely brings back her smile and makes her feel safe and fills that hole inside. And I hope I never get so hurt by life, so knocked down, that it comes to that.

Thank you friends, for always being there to pick me up when I fall down. Thank you, God, for always bringing hope to my heart and filling me when I feel dry. Thank you, Anthem, for bringing the biggest smile to my face and my heart that I've ever known.

Day Three Hundred and Six - Promise Me

Promise me we'll do this right. Promise me we won't make the same mistakes we have in the past. Promise me you'll always tell me when you're having a rough day. Promise me you won't hide your tears from me. Promise me you won't ask me to hide mine from you. Promise me we'll always bicker. Promise me you'll always tell me I look beautiful, even when I know you're lying just to make me feel better. Promise me we'll never stay in all the time. Promise me we'll actually live the brief life we've been given, and not waste it in front of a TV. Promise me you'll sing me lullabies sometimes. Promise me we'll fight together. Promise me we'll never give up. Promise me we'll travel. Promise me we'll pray together. Promise me it'll always get better.

Day Three Hundred and Five - Vulnerable

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.

I have spent the vast majority of the last few years of my life making sure there wasn't a single person in it that I would consider a 'need' person. Need people are the absolute fastest way to ensure that your heart gets broken. Guy or girl, doesn't matter. The moment you need someone, they're gone, and you're the idiot that gave someone that kind of power over you.

Let me explain to you how hard I have worked at this. Everyone who reads this blog understands how deep my love for the OSM is. That is is an unfading love. I will always love the OSM. Nothing will ever change that. But I have never asked for the OSM to return such a love. I know he loves me. I know it's a real love. But I never asked for it to mirror my own. I have no expectations for the OSM whatsoever other that so long as he loves me, he loves me well. I have kept my hand open with him, fully knowing that someday we would not be as close. Someday, we will only be acquaintances, the distance of life will have gotten the best of us. It's bound to happen. Though it is my dearest hope that when we cross paths again, we will be able to thoroughly enjoy each other's company once again for a few hours and remember all the good times.

The entire time I have loved the OSM I have prepared myself for the fact that we would not always be the closest of friends. I have held him in my heart, but I always tried to respect the fact that someday God would call him elsewhere. Open hand. Open heart. No heartache.

I feel I have successfully done this for the past few years. I've lost some dear friends, and gained a few as well. But none of the lost ones broke my heart, nor will any of the few I have gained. They are free. To go or stay in my life as they please.

Except... except now for one. I woke up this morning in an absolute panic. My heart was racing. There were tears in my eyes. And I knew - all that hard work was for nothing. I'd given someone the keys. I'd let down every wall for them. My heart was theirs. They could do as much destruction as they chose. All they'd have to do is leave and it would break. It's terrifying. I am terrified. What was I thinking, letting this happen? I can have love, I can have deep, meaningful relationships without this. And yet, here I am. My heart in the hands of another. All I can do is trust and pray. And know that it won't kill me. So far as I know, actually dying from a broken heart is a very rare condition. It'd still hurt, though. It'd still devastate me.

Trust and pray. I'm not going to try and control or take my heart back or try and manipulate him into staying. I'm just going to trust and pray and keep being me. Because... because that's the best thing to do. That's what started this whole thing. Being myself. Smiling. Laughing. Being free. I'm going to keep doing that. Because vulnerability doesn't mean hurt. It can also mean the deepest, best hug your heart has ever gotten. It can also mean healing. It can also mean letting someone truly love you. And... for me... right now.... it's worth it.

Day Three Hundred and Four - Finally Makes Sense

There is a song by Hunter Hayes called "Wanted" that has a line that says, "I don't know how you do what you do, cause everything that don't make sense about me makes sense when I'm with you." I'm discovering daily how true that is. I understand so much more now. I understand why my heart is the way it is. I understand why its so intense and why its so protective and why its so stubborn. It makes sense now. I understand my strengths and my weaknesses better. I'm thankful for them. 

I understand that my 'girly' desires are not a weakness at all, but a strength when they're fulfilled. When I feel cherished, I am unstoppable. When I feel wanted, I am free. And I am free. I am free to be me. I have never felt more free, nor more myself than I do at this moment. 

Free to be silly, free to be goofy, free to be ornery, free to be girly, free to be strong, free to be confident, free to be shy, free to be modest, free to be faithful, free to be true, free to be beautiful, free to be weak, free to be the best sparkly marshmallow I can be. Free to move to Wisconsin (fingers crossed). Free to chase my dreams overseas if need be. Free to follow my heart. Free to praise my God. 

All the parts of me that never made sense to me before do now. Because they seem to have found their match. He gets me. He helps my quirks make sense because they match his in the most unexpected ways. And I think he feels the same. We make so much more sense when we're together than we ever did apart. 

And wouldn't it be true? The heart that seems to fit to mine better than any other is nothing like what I was looking for. It's so much better than what I was looking for. Man, I love it when God overrides me and gives me the gift that's best instead of the gift I asked for. That... that is a good Daddy who loves His daughter. 

Day Three Hundred and Three - We're Both Right

Today, I got into a rather epic fight with my brother. About politics. We agree on almost identical platforms. (I believe in same sex marriage, he does not.) However, we do not agree on the best thing to do in this election. He says that the best thing to do is vote for Romney because every vote for Ron Paul or Gary Johnson is a vote for Obama. I say that I cannot in good conscience vote for 'the lesser of two evils' who, in my opinion, isn't really 'lesser' at all. I want real change. And Romney sure as hell isn't going to give it to us. He's so close to the left he's purple at best. And if more people stuck to their guns and voted for the lesser known, but vastly better guy, he might actually have a chance at winning and thusly bring real change.

Thing is: we're both right. He's right. But so am I. Gary Johnson isn't going to get into office. He's not going to win. And his is stealing voters from the right, not the left. But I'm right. If more people refused to be a sheep and vote for the 'lesser of two evils' then we could actually get someone who could change the country into office.

Unfortunately: we both lose. Because it's an endless cycle of the chicken or the egg, we're going to get stuck with one of the two evils and have to start all over again next election. We lose. The country loses. And nothing changes.

And nothing will, until we change the way things are done.

Day Three Hundred and Two - Gluttony

It's a terrible, terrible thing, gluttony. It's bad for the environment, it's unsustainable, it's terrible for your body.  That being said: Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because I get to be a glutton twice and feel absolutely no guilt at all. That and all the giving thanks. And I think that's... good.

Moderation in all things, including moderation. Some things that would be terrible ideas to do every day, or even have strong habits. Like gluttony. But that doesn't mean they can't be done for good reasons at the right times. 

It's sort of like sleep. Despite what the doctors say, that "there is no such thing as 'catching up' on sleep." when I have not slept for 30 hours, I need more than 8 to feel right again. And for me, right now, love is sort of like sleep. Specifically affection. I'm being a total glutton for affection right now. There is a wonderful man who is just showering me in it and I'm drinking it in like a woman dying of thirst. And now that I've had a taste, I had no idea how thirsty I was!

In conclusion: I'm sorry if my bliss is annoying you. But daaaaaaaamn this feels good and I'm not going to stop because it makes you a little nauseous. Gag away. I'll try and be understanding when it happens to you. 

Day Three Hundred and One - Not Two The Same

I have watched more fairy tales more times than I can count. I have read even more than that. I have read real life accounts of true forever love. I have even watched a few couples turn their marriages into the greatest things I have ever seen. I have watched a few out of high school marriages fall apart. I have known a whole slew of people who got divorced. I know a few that have been divorced more than once. And there is some solid advice out there from those who have made it, and those who haven't. 

"Don't get married too young."

"Don't rush it, love will wait."

"Be careful of falling in love too fast, lest you fall out of it just as quickly."

"Be with someone who makes you feel free, rather than tied down."

"Be with the person who makes you laugh even when you want to cry."

"Marry your best friend."

"Make sure your family and friends approve. They know you best." 

"Make certain you both know what you want out of your marriage, because if you're working toward separate goals you're certain to fail."

"Infatuation fades, love is forever. Make sure you know which one is pulling you down the aisle."

And more than I could possible write even if I wanted to all night. And some of them are true for all people, some of them are based on statistics, others on things that they would have done differently if given the chance. There are old couples that got together when they were 17 and are more in love now than they were 60 years ago. There are couples that knew each other for a decade before they even started dating. And both are equally happy. I know couples that fight all the time and couples that fight once a decade. And both are equally happy because their personalities are vastly different. I know couples that got married two months after they started dating and are blissful and couples that had a 2 year engagement that are blissful. 

My conclusion is simply this: your love story will be unique to you and God loooooves to shake up your expectations. If you always wanted a long engagement, be prepared for a short one. If you always wanted a simple wedding, be prepared for something a little different. Whatever you expect, remember that your love story involves another human being that is completely different from you and the two of you coming together will create something completely unique that you could have never, ever imagined. 

No two love stories are the same. And not a single one is more right than another. We make our own, and sometimes they make us. Own it. Love it. Live it. It's your story. And because it is, it is the best story.