431 - Heartbreakingly Happy

Once upon time, a long time ago, at a chapel on the lake, I was told that someday I would be so happy that my heart could not contain it all. That it would shatter from happiness. I didn't understand then. I hardly do now. How can a heart break from happiness? How can a heart shattering be good? 

Because the fragile walls surrounding it are torn down, shattered, by the outpouring of happiness. My heart cannot hold it all. It honestly makes me teary. I do not deserve such blessings, but I am so thankful. I just don't have the words.

But in the silent stream, God has revealed to me an outlet. A way to channel my abundance. Prayer. Intercessory prayer. Something of which I have very little knowledge. And then my worship pastor handed me a book. "You're the reader. It's only fair I give you something to read when I give your husband homework." It's tiny and falling apart. It's from 1902. Before the oxford comma, in case you were curious. And it's brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. 

And even though it wasn't talking about anything other than prayer (which has been a huge nudge from God) it point blank addressed the fact that I have not been forgiving people. "It is not enough that there is no bitterness. There has to be sympathy as well." And then I forgave them in a single breath. And it was gone. The weight was gone and I was free to pray. And my heart overflowed. 

It's not just Anthem, though he is a very large part of it. Together we can be legacy makers for our family. God has entrusted us with that. Maybe some of you reading this won't get it because you've always had your parents but I cannot express the joy I have in being able to say my children will have a godly father. It's also that I've found a church family. I'll be joining FUMC Temple shortly. It's that God is giving me things to do in my down time. It's that He's giving me down time. It's that Anthem is so in love with me. It's that everything is going to be okay, no matter what. It's that my identity is not wrapped around how much money I make, but who I am in Christ. And I'm a princess. Loved. Cherished. Cared for. Provided for. 

And as I'm just so darn happy, I've got to do more than sit here. 

Day 430 - Better Than Expected

If I haven't mentioned how marriage changes everything, allow me to state it again. Marriage changes everything. And I am beyond blessed, speechlessly blessed, that my husband is passionate about following Christ. We both have our work in front of us, because He's leading and ball is in our court. But that's for a different day.

Anthem and I were talking today that neither of us anticipated it going this well. He came grocery shopping with me today, not because he particularly likes grocery shopping (or going to 4 different stores to get the best prices on items) but because we honestly enjoy each others company that much. I thought I would need more 'girl time' and he definitely thought he would need some time to himself after a while. And I don't doubt that it will happen eventually. Me having a girl's night and he a men's. That being said, every minute we spend together is... cherished. Today we coined the term "Puzzle Drunk".

...I am so thankful I followed my soul in marrying Anthem. I am so thankful I didn't let society, or familial disapproval, or misunderstandings stop me from marrying Anthem. I wouldn't trade this for the world. He's asleep next to me. I've gotta go. I know that this blog is no masterpiece. It's just a whisper to the world that doing something you don't entirely understand isn't such a bad thing.

Maybe that was the key after all, like Anthem says. The key to marriage isn't knowing the other person so well that things must go well. The key might be knowing that you don't know much of anything.

Day 429 - He Can Do All Things

Philippians 4:13 (ESV) "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."

I love that verse. I even love the song. I hear it all the time as much time as I spend with the worship team at church. But I think we've forgotten the real meaning of it. We've taken it out of context. We sing it in churches that are not persecuted, we sing it for lives that are cushioned. Let's look at what is said directly before it.

Philippians 4:12 "I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need."

I have never been hungry. Nor truly cold. I've always had a roof over my head. I've been lonely, but never truly alone. I've always had friends and family. I do not know want.

I was talking to a friend today, who is going through some rough times. Rough times that are not her fault, nor her husband's fault. Rough times that are made harder by the inconsideration and laziness of others. And she's stretched to her breaking point. She can't go much longer. But Christ can. Christ knows where she is, He has not abandoned her, and she can reflect Him in this. Because Christ can do all things.

I keep telling myself that as I look at my bills this month. Well. As I look back and forth between my bills and my bank account. Two months ago I would have been having a small mental breakdown. This month I made note of everything that needs to be paid and how much and know that God knows, and is bigger than a number in a checkbook. My relationship with Him is more than some numbers in a checkbook. The end. I closed my checkbook and cracked open my Bible. And now I'm hungry for the Word so I'm going to let you go.

Just remember, anything is possible through Him. It's not just an inspirational text to put over a picture of a sunrise. It's a real thing. He can help me pay my bills, or He can choose not to, and I can trust His decision either way. Because trusting Him in ALL things, especially finances, is only possible through Him. And all things are possible through Him. And I trust Him. Which is awesome, because when money (even lack thereof) becomes no big deal, life's priorities sort themselves out rather quickly.

*Note: I am not advocating laziness or irresponsibility with finances. I am doing my best to find a job, and Anthem is the hardest working man I know. Because we are both doing the best we can, I am able to have peace about our finances. Just wanted to make that clear.

Day 428 - Let's Talk About Sex

Today's Sunday School Topic: Sex. 

And it was AWESOME. Because it was honest. A bunch of churchies talking about sex. Everyone from Anthem and I (married just over a month) to couples who have been married for over a decade and a number of couples in between. Yes, it was all couples. No, our Sunday School isn't usually all couples, but there was a retreat this weekend and so it ended up being all couples this time. Which, honestly, I think helped. As a group, we talked about the lies we had believed about sex prior to becoming sexually active. Some of them were because of the church, some of them were cultural. 

Lie #1: If you follow all of the rules and are a virgin when you're married, sex will be awesome from the start.

Truth #1: Even if you made it to the altar as a virgin... you're still messed up. Boyfriends, self image, sexual perception, upbringing, and everything else that happens regardless of being sexually active or not still gets in your head. And your spouses head. And it requires honesty and a level of vulnerability that is just... difficult. Sex is great, and it gets greater all the time. Sex is complicated. I'm blessed to be exploring it in the safety of marriage, so I am able to experience things I really didn't understand about sex without having to freak out. More on that later. 

Lie #2: Sex can be detached from the rest of your life. That's why when you get married you can add it to your life like a cherry on top. 

Truth #2: Sex is affected, and affects, almost every part of your life. It's emotional, physical, spiritual, chemical, mental, and hormonal. There is no way I could ever separate my relationship with my husband from our sex life. I wouldn't want to, but even if I did, it couldn't be done. Sex has always been a part of my life (well, sexuality and since puberty) and how I dealt with it and what I learned and what I didn't learn has affected my sex life. I have to relearn a lot. Like - 

Lie #3: You'll never know if you're compatible with someone if you don't have sex first. 

Truth #3: Bullshit. Anthem and I did not have sex until we were married. That was a freaking miracle. From our first kiss, we both knew we were compatible. There was a spark. Everywhere. The spark was so intense that I made my MOH stay the night at my apt when Anthem was there before the wedding because I knew our self control wasn't going to make it on it's own. 

Lie #4: If you don't experiment before marriage, you'll always wonder about what else might be out there. 

Truth #4: Again, I say bullshit. For so many reasons. 1) In a world that seems determined to genuinely mess with your head, the fact that Anthem is the only man I've ever had sex with eases his mind and heart greatly. He never has to worry that I'm comparing him to anyone, nor that he would not win the comparison. It's just that simple. 2) Before sex, I did not understand how it could be that different from making out except naked and with your downstairs. After sex, I realize that I'm a total idiot. There is... just... encyclopedia's full of stuff to try. And I get to try it all with the man who loves me and will never leave me and doesn't even laugh when I try to be sexy and fail. Which is awesome. I know that I could come to him with anything and say, "I'm curious." and he'll say, "Let's give it a shot." It has never once crossed my mind that I was missing out on anything. It is my firm belief that I am missing out on nothing, because I married all I could ever want and need. 

Lie #5: All lust is bad. 

Truth #5: Please, excuse my language, but fuck that. Lust is great. You know why lust is great? Because I'm so damn lusty after the man I married. And he's so damn lusty after me. And let's be really honest, that's kind of awesome. I want my husband to look at me like that until the day we die, and I just have this feeling he's going to pull a Sean Connery and get sexier with age. Lust is bad when it's detached from love and commitment. I'm going to cultivate my lust for my husband. Because sex is not a duty, it's a delight. And trying to make it something sterile is just... messed up. 

Lie #6: Sex can be casual. 

Truth #6: Ha. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahhahah no. Sex is an undeniable bonding agent. It ties people together. That was obvious from the get-go. It really does seal the deal of a marriage. There is no going back. Honestly, it has really made the difference for Anthem and I, at least in my opinion. It increased my respect for him, my trust of him, my desire for him, not to mention the proven chemical bonding agents released in both of our bodies. That being said, sex isn't lighting candles and spouting poetry to each other as we gaze deeply into each others eyes every time either, or even most times. The candles thing happened once. Sometimes, it's just fun. But even those times, all those other things happen too. It still brings us closer. 

Last one, I promise. Lie #7: Sex is less holy than celibacy, and if possible, everyone should remain celibate. 

Truth #7: It is not good for man to be alone. It wasn't when the world was perfect, and it isn't now. Now, granted, some people do have a calling from God to be single and celibate for their entire lives as they devote those lives to God. For the vast majority of us though, being called to marriage isn't a weakness. It's a blessing. I can't even imagine having to live without Anthem. He is my partner, my best friend, and the best part of my life. And he is my partner in this life we live together as we become more holy, chasing after Christ. Our sex, in our marriage, is holy. It reflects love and pleasure and desire and fulfillment and the God given gift of each other, wholly. Holy. 

Perhaps you disagree with me. If there is a miracle, you'll agree with one of those points. Tell me about it!

Day 427 - Pinterestic Legacy

I keep seeing these pictures on Pinterest. Pictures of grandmothers, mothers, and daughters sporting diamond rings. Truthfully, it makes me a little jealous. My grandmother and I are not close, nor would I want to replicate her marriage. From all I've ever known, my grandfather (these are both paternal) was a very bad man who did bad things. My maternal grandparents died when I was very young. My own parents divorced when I was young, and so I haven't seen a diamond ring on my mother's finger for a very long time. And my wedding ring has no diamonds. I'm ashamed to admit that my cultural saturation is still so high that at times, I would like to have a diamond ring of my own. Which is absolutely ridiculous. I love my wedding ring. It's simple, it's enduring, and it didn't cost thousands of dollars more than it should have so I can have a rock to display to my friends and a status symbol to put on the internet.

But it also kindles a desire in me to start a legacy. A legacy of enduring marriages of unwavering faithfulness, of love grown and cultivated rather than fallen into and faded, of God centered marriages of growth and struggle and selflessness and service. Someday, though Pinterest will probably not be around by the time I'm a grandmother, or if it is, will exist across an entire wall and be brought up by thinking about it and we'll post memories instead of snapshots, I would like to have a picture of a legacy that Christ began in Anthem and I.

I pray that my daughter(s) (if we are so blessed) would be blessed with men like Anthem. I can't wait to figure out how to tell them that I didn't just marry Anthem for me, I married him for them. I pray for my son(s) (if we are so blessed) to grow up to be like Anthem. And honestly, I want my daughter(s) (again, if we are so blessed) to be like Anthem. I pray for all of us, all the time. Because legacies are built, they are not montaged. And there are many, many things that will try and stop us. They cannot. For they are of the world, and Christ has overcome the world, and we are in Christ.

Anyway, someday I want a picture. Three hands that each have a different ring that expresses their love, their commitment, their marriage, their relationship. And honestly, I pray that I don't completely understand the marriages, or relationships. For if I did, then they would not be so entirely their own.

I cannot deny that my heart lusts after shiney rocks, the value of which is so inflated it is difficult to comprehend in a rational mind. But I can work to transform that desire and channel it into something of much more value: a legacy of lustrous marriages.

Day 426 - Right In The Selfishness

This week has been pretty good motivation wise. I was able to stay up and moving for most of it. Today was a struggle. I did not want to go change my social security information, register my car, change my license, or anything else that involved endless amounts of paperwork and federal employees. And it was a far bigger headache than I had anticipated. It took hours and hours and hours. I was so incredibly frustrated. I had driven all over town. I had made numerous phone calls. And it'll still be a few weeks until I get my permanent license.

And at the end of all of it, I went and got some dinner because I hadn't eaten since breakfast and was so cranky I wanted to kill. Knowing Anthem  would be hungry too, I asked if he wanted something. He called and said he did, I brought it to him. He was working and couldn't take a break. So he ate it in bites as he worked.

And my level of frustration slowly started to go down. Sure. I had been given the runaround. I had driven all around town. I had been to the point of tears. But I had not been sweating, working, since 4am. And even though he had been, he woke me up early this morning just to whisper a few words, called me when he knew I'd be up to see how my morning was going, and made me feel so loved.

And my frustration was washed away in his humble sacrifice. My day was not bad at all. I get to go home to a wonderful house, cooled from the heat. I have a fridge full of food. I have a warm bed that I share with that amazing man. My day was not so bad at all. And my motivation needs to be much more. He does what he does not just for himself, but for me. So that at the end of the day, I have a house to come home to, with all the comforts I could ask for. It is time I did as much for us.

There went my every complaint, humility hit me right in the selfishness. Not my humility, though. Ha. No. Anthem's humility. He's going to be home soon and I'll be damned if he isn't going to come home to heaven on earth.

Oh, and say a prayer for me? I have my first girl friend coffee date tomorrow. Pray it goes well, I could use a girl friend that was closer than 800 miles.

Day 425 - Faith Vs. Fact

Note: I am in no way upset. This is not a rant. It is simply an observation.

Often times faith, like the faith I have in Jesus the Christ, is derided for having nothing to support it. Nothing but faith. "Blind faith." I always roll my eyes when that is said. No wonder everyone thinks Christians are idiots. If that is how our faith is viewed, then the church of the flying spaghetti monster is not so different from us. Allow me to assure you all, that is not the case. Allow me to tell you what I don't take on faith.

A) The Bible (as Protestants know it) was written over a period of 1,500-2,000 years, in three different languages, by over 40 authors, on three different continents. No one man (or woman) sat down one day and made it all up just to mess with us. The cohesiveness and unity (whoa there Antagonistic Agnostics - you have to actually read and study it to find cohesiveness and unity, not just highlight out of context verses that seem to contradict each other - I'm not going into Old Testament perception of God vs. New Testament perception of God right now) of sixty six separate books all telling one overarching story is, in itself, rather miraculous.
     1) The coming of Jesus (Messiah, Savior, etc) and His characteristics and actions were prophesied hundreds of years (in some instances thousands of years) before His appearance in human history. Don't believe me? Read them. They're still there. He still fits.
     2) The Bible does not exist outside of history. Multiple extra-biblical historians and records confirm events spoken of in the Bible. Like Jesus. He actually existed. He actually died. Those that recorded His resurrection are considered religious texts, but the events were still recorded. Jericho did fall to the Israelites. King Solomon was famous for his wisdom. The Bible, and it's events, did not happen in a vaccuum and God does not expect us to pretend as if they did. It is not a fairy tale. It'd be a fairly crappy one if that was how it was made to be.
     3) Ancient people's were not simpletons, nor idiots, no matter how much we like to imagine they were. They knew the difference between alive and dead. They knew that walking on water was impossible, and they knew that feeding 5,000 people from two fish and five loaves is a really stupid story with no moral life lesson if it didn't actually happen. The entire story of Jesus is a really shitty one if He didn't actually rise from the dead. And just for kicks, lets all remember the writer of Luke was a physician. Now, they may have been practicing vivisection and didn't understand germs yet, but even in ancient Rome dead was dead and alive was alive. That's why they stuck a spear through Jesus's chest to make sure He was really, really dead before they took Him off the cross. Honestly.

B) Jesus Himself never asked for us to believe in Him blindly. Sure, we don't get to see Him alive like the 12 apostles (oh and those other 500 people) did, but we get rational, constructed accounts of His life, His death, His resurrection, and His ascension. He didn't ask the 12 apostles to believe that He rose from the dead because His body was missing. He totally showed up to show them. And they freaked out because dead people don't do that shit. And they were totally normal human beings who knew that dead people don't walk around and say 'check out my wounds. Totally me. Just, you know, breathing. And eating. Cause ghosts don't eat.' And then they believed. And then they remembered that He said He was going to do this. Not before the proof. After it.

Just for fun, let's jog our memory. When Thomas says, "Jesus, I'm having a really hard time believing this. Show me your wounds or I won't believe it's actually the you that died." what does Jesus do? Does He say, "No proof for you! Faith only!" or does He say, "Here you go. You asked for proof, and I gave it to you. Do you believe now?" And Thomas totally does.

There are multiple other reasons I believe. A lot of them have to do with the individual proofs God has given me in my life, my circumstances, and my perception. They wouldn't convince you of anything. They're not supposed to. They are for me.

But if you're struggling, ask Him to show you. Ask Him to show up, because He will. He doesn't ask us to take things on blind faith. All that He asks us to take on faith is what hasn't happened yet. Not what has. When we get to know God, when we understand that over and over and over again what He has said has come to pass, then it's a lot easier to trust that what He has promised that hasn't happened yet (that whole coming back thing - and that whole 'death isn't the end because I conquered death' thing) are taken on faith. And we have that faith because of what we do know. At least I do.

Anyway - that's my two cents. If this interests you and you want to know what prophesies were made and how Jesus fulfilled them and how reliable the Bible is - Doctrine by Mark Driscoll and Gerry Breshears is an absolutely amazing book that helped me so, so much.  It only helps if you read it though, so do me a favor. If you have questions - find answers. You're not the first one to have questions. People have been doing this for 2,000 years now. There are a lot of really good answers.