Day Three Hundred and Seventy Three - Grief

I burst into tears in my car today. I was listening to one of my favorite bands and the lyrics just got to me. They helped give a voice to my very confused heart. I know Anthem did some things that made me, and a lot of my friends very angry. But we had our moments too. The day I got the call from Wisconsin, he was there, and reminded me of how strong and beautiful and awesome I was even though I got rejected from the job I had my heart set on. When I was in Texas visiting him, there was a moment over drinks where we talked about science fiction that really gave me hope. He could be incredibly sweet and tender and loving. It's when his demons got the best of him, when he stopped seeing me and started seeing the girls that had hurt him, scarred him that everything got terrible very quickly. It still hurts and I still need to cry. 

That guy that I got to know, that Anthem, that hurting, struggling, wonderful guy that did love me... I miss him. I don't miss the controlling, accusing, insanely jealous guy that came in after. But that was the last bit of our relationship. And I still get to cry. I never got to cry. Everyone was so busy being angry at him that I never got to voice my tears. No matter what happened, I did love him. Part of me still does and always will. Because it's love. No, he's not allowed even a foot in my life anymore, but that doesn't suddenly invalidate all the good times we did have and all the things I learned. Or that I was looking for forever. I wasn't lying when I shared my heart with him. 

I don't know what the point of this is. He's gone. I'm crying. I wish I'd gotten the chance to get to know who he really was because the glimpses I saw were... of an amazing guy. He just has his own demons to battle. I don't hate him. I love him. I just know he's not good for me. And I know that I'm not what he wanted and couldn't change enough to be that girl. We wanted very different things out of life. And I wish him the best. I never even got to say goodbye, or figure things out. 

I guess I feel better just saying this stuff. Just having a chance to get it out. Maybe now I can just close this chapter, smile, say a prayer for him, and move on.