It is really, really hard for me to wrap my head around the
fact that I cannot earn God’s love or blessings. You know, of course I’m not
trying to earn either one. Nooooo. No. Maybe, you know, it would just be easier for God to love me and bless me
if I read my bible every day and spent more time feeding the poor or praying
over the worship services my husband leads or any of the other billion things I
really should be doing.
Maybe… just maybe… if I did those things He’d hear me a
little louder. Because I know He loves me. Right? I mean we all know that. Even
when prayers go unanswered for years. Even when you’re desperate and He’s
silent. Even when it seems like He’s either deaf or mad at you because if He
really is your Father then He’d do what any dad would do and loan you some
money so you can pay rent, right!? Right. Because we know He loves us,
regardless of those things.
Right. Oh screw it. No. I don’t. Not always. Not before the
last few months. Weeks. Ugh. Fine. Days. The last few days. I mean it’s really
easy to believe it when everything is great. When you’ve got enough to cover
your bills and you’re marrying the man of your dreams (or who turns out to be
the man of your dreams, if you’re me) and you find out you’re pregnant and your
baby is healthy then obviously God
loves us.
But when you’re not sure how you’re going to pay the car
payment that was due almost a month ago, and when you’ve been broke and
couldn’t find a job when you could, got fired for the first time ever when you
finally did, and then were too pregnant (and sick, to be really honest) to be
hired before the baby comes. When you can’t take the birthing classes you
wanted to because they cost too much and can’t hire a doula or a midwife
because your insurance doesn’t cover it and you’re concerned about how you’re
going to put gas in the car let alone paying a few hundred dollars, minimum,
for a more natural birth experience. When you know you can’t be worrying about
all this stuff because it’s not good for
the baby to have a stressed out mom and you’re doing all you can (which isn’t
much) to help with the bills with babysitting jobs while your husband is doing
everything he can to make enough and the jobs just won’t come. Then… then it’s
really hard to keep believing that He loves us. You. Me. It’s really hard to
believe that He loves me. It’s really hard to believe that He hasn’t completely
abandoned me. It’s really hard to believe that He’s not punishing me, that I
couldn’t do something – anything – to appease Him and get some ‘blessings’
flowing my direction. It’s really, really hard to trust that He’s taking care
of us.
It’s really hard to not lose hope and just give up because
what does it matter anyway? He’s not listening. We’re suffering. And no matter
what I do, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that I put in over 100
applications and never heard anything back. It doesn’t matter that I worked my
ass off, threw up at, on my way to, on my way home from, yet always wore a
smile at the one job I did really manage to get because I was fired because
(and I can’t prove this, but I was told that my being let go had absolutely
nothing to do with job performance) I was pregnant and they didn’t want to deal
with maternity leave. Or that the moving jobs that were once the bread and
butter on which we survived just aren’t coming in anymore. No matter how much I
try to scrimp and save we have been living week by week since we got married,
and now are going day to day. I’ve broken down in tears about it a few times. I
was scared. What if we got evicted? What if they had to repo my car? How would
we ever get a house if my credit was ruined by a missed payment? How were we
going to make sure we could take care of this baby when we didn’t have an extra
ten dollars for the laundry mat? There may have been an end in sight but it was
a year, or two, away and by then we’d be living on the street.
And then… then… I started to realize that He was changing
me. That we were impoverished because He
loved us, not in spite of it. To be clear: I subscribe to neither poverty
theology nor health and wealth. What matters in both is the heart, and that
what He was working on. Not my checkbook.
I realized that I was discontented with Our relationship. I
wanted more from my faith than me begging constantly for the peace of mind that
more money would bring and His constant silence. I wanted more. I needed more.
I wanted to know Who He is; I wanted to know He had me no matter what happened,
I wanted to ask for what mattered. I wanted my prayers to be filled with
requests the ability to touch hearts, for peace among His people, for
opportunities to serve, for my family, for my child. I wanted my prayers to
change me, not my bank account. I found my chase after money, and the peace
that it did indeed bring, to be empty, even though I never seemed to find any.
Peace or money.
Our circumstances have changed slightly. It’s still tight,
but at least it’s doable. Or it will be by the end of March. And there is not a
darn thing I can do about it between now and then but trust that He’s got us.
Because I don’t have anything to give. I’ve run out. I have no more tears to
shed in fear, not when I am powerless and He is all. Not when I realize that
losing some of my credit will not destroy my life, neither this one nor the
next. Not when I realize that nothing is permanent. Not when I realize that
we’re surrounded by family and my son will never go hungry or lack for a warm
place to stay. There are more important things on which to spend my waking
hours than checking and rechecking the fact that it doesn’t appear like we’re
going to make it. A single opportunity, not missed but embraced and blessed,
for the Lord to make another lost soul a Child is worth more than any dollar
amount of which I could conceive. A closer walk with Him will do more for me in
now and eternity than any measure of security I could get by actually having a
savings account.
Please understand, being wise with money, living within our
means, saving for our and Haven’s future is all quite important to us. But our
poverty has held my attention to the
exclusion of the things that do matter. And that is not okay.
Most of all, and this I cannot stress enough, my hope was
not in God. My hope was not in His redemptive work in my life. My hope was not
how I could spend my life to serve Him, or the ability to be His child, His
beloved child, for now and for all time. My hope was stubbornly hoping that
someday we wouldn’t be broke. That was my
goal. Nothing productive could happen in our life until that day. Until we
were set. Until I could open a savings account and go to the grocery store
without worrying about overdraft fees. Then I could work with God, for Him,
whole heartedly. Then I would know He loved us. Then I could have a functional
relationship with Him again. Then I could focus on what He wanted for us. I
could go through all sorts of things so long as it wasn’t poverty anymore.
Not shockingly: I was constantly frustrated and
disappointed. I constantly felt abandoned and hopeless. I would want to hear
God promising an end to this cycle. I would want that to be one of His
promises. It isn’t. He didn’t protect His followers from death, I can guarantee
you that He won’t protect you from a missed payment. Even if you are reading
your bible every day. I was stuck in a hamster wheel of hope and disappointment
because a savings account is a
really, really stupid place to put your hope in. No, not yours. Mine. It is a
really, really stupid thing that I was doing for years.
Ugh. As if the honesty of this post didn’t hurt enough
already – let’s just make it a bit worse, shall we? (Deep breath, band-aid
ripped.) Because before my hope was in a savings account, it was in a man (no,
not my husband, thank God) but in a man who never showed up (again, thank God).
And before it was in a man it was in a job. I can’t imagine it’s as emotional
for you to read that as it was for me to write it, but… that hurt.
And here’s where it starts to stop hurting my heart, and
start hurting my mind through the process of boggling. God, in His infinite
wisdom, used our poverty to smash my idol. My pride went into hiding when I had
to ask to borrow money to make a payment on my car. My deep, deep desire for
financial security lost its giant priority status when I realized that my
credit rating didn’t define me and there were worse things in the world than
losing a few points off it. I want a relationship with God, deep, deep in my
soul, I want that more than a savings account. I want that more than a house. I
want that more than all the adventures I want to take around the world someday.
I want that more than anything. And nothing – nothing can take that from me. My salvation is not connected in
anyway with late or missed or on time payments.
When I finally hit the place I had been dreading, when I
couldn’t make it work with what I had, when I lost what I had fought so hard
for, namely the ability to be financially independent and never need to ask for
help, that my idol crumbled down around me and I could see the true goal. I could
see Him, and how His silence has been a loving guide to this beautiful moment.
And now I’m sharing it with you. Because my pride be damned.
Because as my idol crumbles, I pray that yours would too. Because I’m tired of
seeing my friends be trapped in the same trap, in the same hamster wheel of
false hope, and the inevitable disappointment and anger and sense of
abandonment that comes with false hope.
Often times, we've run in these hamster wheels together. Pushing each other forward, encouraging each other. Only now do I see how wrong that is, that we were all lusting after idols and not enjoying our God. Not enjoying Him or what He had already blessed us with. Not even wanting to. Putting our whole lives on hold, putting our very souls on hold, until we got what we wanted from God. What we believed, what we had convinced ourselves He had promised us.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I spurred you on toward your idol. I'm sorry I thanked you for pushing me to mine. I'm sorry I didn't know the truth to tell you. The truth I wish someone had told me, even though it's more than likely I wouldn't have listened. Because it's hard, the truth. Because it's not what you want to hear, it's not what any of us want to hear. But it is what we all need to hear.
In a world full of health and wealth preachers, we desperately need to remember the truth. In a world where we are told, repeatedly, that we have EARNED these blessings if we only cling to them, God will be forced to give them to us. I saw a video on the internet a few days ago, where a woman was trying to encourage her followers that God would repay her seven times what had been lost. We're told God owes us. We're told to project good thoughts and our desires will come. We're told all of this spiritual bullshit that chains us and keeps us from the true Joy. It keeps us from Him by filling us with false desires and false promises. It is nothing but bondage.
The real promise is that He will never leave us, nor forsake us. He promised us eternal life, with Him. He promised us a relationship with the Father. The real promise is that if we accept Him, we are going to suffer. Maybe it will be our relationships, maybe our finances, maybe our jobs, maybe our health. Suffering will come. We are not greater than our Master, and Jesus suffered. He promised us we would too. Not once did He ever promise to change the world to better suit our wants. He promised He would change us.
So here it is. Here's what I wish I had known a long time ago, when my hope was in a job, a man, a savings account.
You are not your job. You're not your diploma, your degree, or your paycheck. You're not what your friends think about you, or your critics for that matter. Being a high powered lawyer/doctor/sales rep/coordinator/director/ whatever it is you feel you need to be to be whole, recognized, appreciated, etc is not you. You may never get that job you think is going to 'set you'. And if you do, you'll be disappointed because it's not what you wanted it to be, and you won't feel like you wanted to feel. You'll still be you. The same you before you got the job. It's not going to change you. It's not going to save you. It's just a job. Chances are you will have many.
Maybe that man will never come. And that’s not God punishing you, nor not following through on His promises. He’s not ignoring you. You can’t earn that man. And no matter how long you wait there is no promise that he will ever show up. And when that man is your hope, you will know nothing but disappointment. Even if he comes, you will know nothing but disappointment because he cannot change you from the inside out. He cannot fill you, nor fulfill all that you long for. Because he is not your reward. He is not the end. God is. And you don’t have to wait. You don’t have to be disappointed. You don’t have to feel abandoned and angry and disappointed. You don’t have to blame God or yourself for once again losing hope.
Maybe you'll always be poor. Judging by the current state of the economy, there is absolutely no guarantee that you’re going to strike it rich one day. And if you’re waiting for money, for your circumstances to change, you might just be waiting the rest of your life. It grieves me to see you hope and hope and hope until you have a mental, emotional, and spiritual breakdown because the weight of the constant disappointment is too much to bear. Maybe your life isn't going to be what you thought it was going to be. Maybe it's not headed where you thought it was. But it's yours, and God loves you, and He is in control, no matter what happens. And He can change you right now. He can give you joy, even if you're still broke, and lonely, and confused. He is your joy. He is.
Often times, we've run in these hamster wheels together. Pushing each other forward, encouraging each other. Only now do I see how wrong that is, that we were all lusting after idols and not enjoying our God. Not enjoying Him or what He had already blessed us with. Not even wanting to. Putting our whole lives on hold, putting our very souls on hold, until we got what we wanted from God. What we believed, what we had convinced ourselves He had promised us.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I spurred you on toward your idol. I'm sorry I thanked you for pushing me to mine. I'm sorry I didn't know the truth to tell you. The truth I wish someone had told me, even though it's more than likely I wouldn't have listened. Because it's hard, the truth. Because it's not what you want to hear, it's not what any of us want to hear. But it is what we all need to hear.
In a world full of health and wealth preachers, we desperately need to remember the truth. In a world where we are told, repeatedly, that we have EARNED these blessings if we only cling to them, God will be forced to give them to us. I saw a video on the internet a few days ago, where a woman was trying to encourage her followers that God would repay her seven times what had been lost. We're told God owes us. We're told to project good thoughts and our desires will come. We're told all of this spiritual bullshit that chains us and keeps us from the true Joy. It keeps us from Him by filling us with false desires and false promises. It is nothing but bondage.
The real promise is that He will never leave us, nor forsake us. He promised us eternal life, with Him. He promised us a relationship with the Father. The real promise is that if we accept Him, we are going to suffer. Maybe it will be our relationships, maybe our finances, maybe our jobs, maybe our health. Suffering will come. We are not greater than our Master, and Jesus suffered. He promised us we would too. Not once did He ever promise to change the world to better suit our wants. He promised He would change us.
So here it is. Here's what I wish I had known a long time ago, when my hope was in a job, a man, a savings account.
You are not your job. You're not your diploma, your degree, or your paycheck. You're not what your friends think about you, or your critics for that matter. Being a high powered lawyer/doctor/sales rep/coordinator/director/ whatever it is you feel you need to be to be whole, recognized, appreciated, etc is not you. You may never get that job you think is going to 'set you'. And if you do, you'll be disappointed because it's not what you wanted it to be, and you won't feel like you wanted to feel. You'll still be you. The same you before you got the job. It's not going to change you. It's not going to save you. It's just a job. Chances are you will have many.
Maybe that man will never come. And that’s not God punishing you, nor not following through on His promises. He’s not ignoring you. You can’t earn that man. And no matter how long you wait there is no promise that he will ever show up. And when that man is your hope, you will know nothing but disappointment. Even if he comes, you will know nothing but disappointment because he cannot change you from the inside out. He cannot fill you, nor fulfill all that you long for. Because he is not your reward. He is not the end. God is. And you don’t have to wait. You don’t have to be disappointed. You don’t have to feel abandoned and angry and disappointed. You don’t have to blame God or yourself for once again losing hope.
Maybe you'll always be poor. Judging by the current state of the economy, there is absolutely no guarantee that you’re going to strike it rich one day. And if you’re waiting for money, for your circumstances to change, you might just be waiting the rest of your life. It grieves me to see you hope and hope and hope until you have a mental, emotional, and spiritual breakdown because the weight of the constant disappointment is too much to bear. Maybe your life isn't going to be what you thought it was going to be. Maybe it's not headed where you thought it was. But it's yours, and God loves you, and He is in control, no matter what happens. And He can change you right now. He can give you joy, even if you're still broke, and lonely, and confused. He is your joy. He is.
Maybe we all have super messed up priorities. Maybe
we’ve lost sight of the gospel. Of what He really gave. Of the security eternal
life offers. Of the joy of a relationship with the Creator God who made us all
and in whom all good things have their source. Of the need to share this news
with everyone.
Of the need to be free of this bondage in which we put ourselves, and the need to show the world what freedom really looks like.
Of the need to live freely.
(Note: it has nothing to do with America or being American.)
I’m still at the epiphany stage of all of this but I can
tell you one thing: tonight the only reason I’m not going to sleep is because
it appears my lovely unborn son has found a way to kick my nerves and send
shooting pain to random places and not because I’m worried about being broke. And
maybe, during the 3am Fringe marathon that helps distract me from being so
incredibly uncomfortable, I’ll say a prayer to the real goal and thank Him for
my freedom and beg Him to never let me lose sight of it. No matter how much
suffering that path leads me through. Because He’s worth it. Because He’ll
never disappoint you. Because He will get you out of the wheel.
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