Day 455 - The Pregnancy Diaries

By the time you're reading this, I'll have written it about three months ago. The first trimester is something that Anthem and I are keeping for close family and friends. But I want to document it, for me. For us. For our child. So I'm just writing down all the things that have happened the last week and a half.

Sept 13: Anthem and I find out we're pregnant. And I take 3 tests just to make sure. 

Sept 14-15: We tell our family and listen to many women scream in gleeful excitement. It's incredibly encouraging, and very emotionally draining. 

Sept 16: I get hired at my new job, and have a doctor's appointment to confirm pregnancy. 

Sept 17: Morning sickness and extreme fatigue kick in. 

Sept 22: The couple we asked to be our child's godparents accepted. 

So we're at September 24th right now, and I love the baby growing inside me. I love learning about it, and planning with Anthem. I love that Anthem talks to the baby already. I love that Anthem is so incredibly kind, considerate, and helpful.

I hate pregnancy. I loathe everything about it. I hate being sick all the time. I hate dry heaving in the morning because there is nothing in my stomach to throw up. I hate feeling like I'm going to lose what little I was able to eat whenever I get tired, and I am tired all the time. I hate being tired all the time and asking James to do every single thing around the house because I just can't get up. I hate going to bed at 8pm every night because I'm exhausted. I hate that my boobs are so sensitive, they hurt if the wind blows them wrong. I hate the headaches. I hate the constant emotions that make me want to cry. 

Like when our dear friends agreed to be the godparents of our new child. I about burst into tears. Or when I couldn't keep dinner down and burst into tears. Or when Anthem texts me to tell our baby that he loves it and I burst into tears because knowing Anthem is going to be the greatest father I could possibly imagine and nothing moves me more than knowing that my children will be so loved and cared for by their father. By my husband. Whose life has already changed due to their tiny little appearance. 

I mean good tears. But lots of them.

The bottom line is that it's nothing like what I expected. I love Haven, but I'm not crazy about what that little one is doing to my body, my hormones, or my energy levels. Puking up dinner doesn't make the miracle of life any less miraculous. It just makes it a bit more... human.

Let me finish with this statement: I'm never whining about periods ever again. 

Day 454 - Ode to 4:16am

The alarm goes off but I don't hear it. But I hear the door as you slip outside. I've still got a few minutes.

The sheets cool off as I try to curl into them and trap your heat. It escapes anyway. 

I hear the door again. I feel your arms around me, and wrap mine around you, and tuck my head into you.

And then you're gone. 

And I can't sleep. 

It wasn't always like this. In the beginning, it was my favorite part of the night. No longer fighting you for my designated foot of space. No longer overheated by your furnace of a body. No longer worrying if my tossing and turning will wake you. No longer fighting you for the covers you like to throw off and get tangled in. 

But now... unless we're tangled or touching I can't get comfortable. Now I need your heat to balance out my stolen blankets. Now I need to be fighting for my foot, and tucked into you, to feel comfortable. You keep me still. Now...

The house is too quiet. The sheets are too cold. I've got far too much room to get comfortable. It's a useless fight. So it's my wake up time too.

Around 6, when the sun starts to come up, and the birds start to move, and it's not so quiet, and it's not so cool, I can finish the night. A last hour or two. 

That's why I'm so tired in the mornings. I haven't been up as long as you, or working. But I'm still pretty beat. It's my morning routine. Missing you. 

Day 453 - It Isn't Always Overnight

Life takes time. No matter how much you do, there is always more. No matter how wise you become, there is always more wisdom to be obtained. There is no rushing it. It goes on, and we go with it, changing every moment. Hopefully for the better.

In this instant gratification world we live in every moment is filled and every meal needs to be 30 minutes or less and change needs to be NOW. Instant.

But... despite our obsession with instant, some things are going to take a little (or a lot) of time and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. And most of the things that take time are very much worth it. And every moment doesn't need to be filled with something taking my attention.

Which leads me to two conclusions we (as a couple) have come to in the past few days.

1) No more Netflix. Anthem and I have both felt convicted separately that it's time for it to go. We have to much we need to be doing and it's too easy to just turn it on and let it play. No more. It's time to retrain the brain to function without background noise (or at least as much of it). And this too will take time. It will not be an overnight transformation, but a small step in a direction we know we need to go. And we're not sure what it will look like as it goes on - I can't plan it - it takes time.

2) Some foods need time too. Not all meals can be made in 30 minutes or less. I love onion soups. I love them. But they need time. You can't just whip one of those up or your soup will taste like raw onion (which is tasty, but not in a soup). So I took the time to make a creamy onion soup. It was delicious. And it took almost two hours. And that's okay.

So... change doesn't happen overnight (all the time). And just because our society is a certain way, doesn't mean that life changes to match it. I really just want you to know that its okay to slow down. I needed to know that too.

Day 452 - When God Says "No"

For those of you that know me, when I refer to my three years of stupidity, you know what I'm talking about. For those of you that don't, I have zero intention of ever telling you because unlike some, I am not proud of my stupidity, let alone that it lasted for 3 years. What it was about is totally unimportant. What I want to bring up today is the endless sea of frustration that I lived in. To be clear: it was entirely my fault. Entirely. 

I kept asking God for the same thing, over and over and over and over. For 3 very long, confusing years, all I heard was 'No'. Which... in hindsight, isn't all He was saying. It was all I was hearing. In fact, He was saying something much closer to, "No, I have something better for you. It's just not time yet." And had I heard, and held onto that truth, then those 3 years could have been filled with a lot more productivity on my part.

I got myself started in a similar cycle just a few weeks ago. For 5 months now I've been asking God to provide me with a job, and have been applying my brains out, and I've started calling back and am now started with a temp agency to try and get something started. Two weeks ago, I was pretty much close to tears whenever I thought about it. Anthem and I are as broke as I have ever been in my life, which... is a separate post about why I'm thankful for it (even while we work to get out of it) and what I've learned from it. I was close to tears because I was so frustrated. I'm doing everything I know to get hired, I'm applying everywhere I can think of, and still coming up empty.

But I'm not going to make the same mistake I did before, and beat my head against the wall. Because I'm starting to believe that God never says, "No." I don't think He usually explains Himself, because He doesn't. But on top of remembering that God is good, all good things come from Him, and that He is neither spiteful, vengeful, or impotent, I find it useful to remember that a) all things work together in His time, not ours and b) there is no 'down time'. God doesn't waste time. If it's not time for me to be employed, if I haven't learned enough pounding the pavement, if I haven't spent enough time with Anthem, or any other reason that now may not be the time to get a job (though I will continue praying that it is) doesn't mean that it's time to get lost or frustrated or stop trying or stop living and learning. It's not the persistence that was the problem in the past, it was refusing to use the time for His glory while I waited. So I keep myself occupied (which isn't hard. Today is the first day I've just sat down as I haven't been feeling great) while I keep trying and applying and waiting and hoping and make sure I don't stop living and learning and growing.

So I'm going to remember that the last time God seemed to refuse my request, it's because He had something far better in mind, and do my best to stick it out in patience and faith. Because God is good, and like any good parent, He only says 'No' for our good.

Day 451 - Work Out Your Salvation

For the past few months, the verse Philippians 2:12-13 has been going through my mind at random times.

"Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure."

I think I often forget just how much grace is involved in my salvation. And how much change is necessary. God invites us as we are, but for our good and His glory, will not let us remain the same. It helps to remind me that our walk is not something that we start when we begin to walk with Jesus and never work on again until we die, but something that we work out day by day, for God works in us. Our walk needs daily course correction. Sometimes hourly. God is not a God to be taken lightly, even as He showers us with grace and makes us heirs. He is not to be dismissed. It is a covenant, and while permanent, needs constant tending by both parties. 

The same is true of marriage. I love my husband deeply, and have no doubt that our marriage is permanent. But it would be foolish to think that once we got married, and swore to be there forever, that our marriage would be smooth sailing from that point on and really didn't need anymore work. I love how one covenant teaches me about the other, and how I've come to appreciate both more fully. 

The other day we were out working together, and it was hot, and I had drastically underestimated the task, so we were going to be out in the heat for a very, very long time. Anthem was pretty upset. He wasn't going to leave and make me do it by myself, but he was not happy. I had to take more breaks than he did, as I am not used to this Texas level heat. No, Iowa, it's not the same. I said that in the beginning, I was wrong. It's hotter here. But together, we kept on. And it got easier, much easier as the day went on. We were talking, even having a bit of fun together, and just toughing it out. And suddenly, we were done for the day. And that's when something spectacular happened. 

Anthem came up, hugged me, and immediately began to pray. "God, I'm sorry. You have entrusted me with Your daughter and I did not encourage her today. But she toughed it out with me anyway, and kept a positive attitude. Lord, I thank you for her." And he kissed me on the forehead and apologized to me. I was pretty much moved to tears at his humility and strength. 

We've been married for a little over 5 months, and have apologized to each other quite a number of times. We've also prayed over each other... a lot. Just a lot. We've stopped to take time to repeat how thankful we are for each other, both when we're feeling it, and when we're angry or hurt. We do something to course correct our marriage, whether it be our own emotions and attitudes, our behavior toward each other, our long and short term life goals, our spending habits (and saving habits and our need and wants lists), our prayers, and a whole host of other things as we grow together as one at least everyday, and sometimes a whole lot more often than that. We work it out, and are ridiculously happy doing so. It's not always easy, but never once would I think that it's not worth it. It's even gotten easier as we go along. It's much easier now than it was in the first week when we still knew each other so little. 

I think the same thing goes with God. I don't give Him nearly as much attention as I do my husband, which is sad but true. And will probably always be true. But when we talk, and I apologize (only works one way in this particular relationship) and we work together, not only does our relationship improve, but my life does too. In the same way that when Anthem and I work it out, our marriage improves and so does our life because the two cannot really be separated. I have no life outside of my marriage. And any idea that I have a 'life outside of my faith' is false. They are all intertwined too much, woven into each other and layered. 

So just... remember with me. That course correction is essential, healthy, and just in case you're still buying into all that our society has to say about marriage does not make you weak because proving your dominance in marriage is a really good way to be miserable. So I'm just going to say it and accept any backlash I may get. Compromising has made me a better woman. For the sake of not being willfully misunderstood, my husband often compromises and will watch a movie I want to, or eat noodles again because he loves me deeply. But being considerate of another human being (especially one that is almost always right, which often means that I am wrong when we bump heads) has made me a better woman. Regardless of how stubborn I am (which is really, really stubborn) and how often I think I am right (which is a number highly inflated by my ego) the fact remains that thinking of another person, that compromising, and sometimes even just straight up letting the other person have their way makes us all better people. 

And can help teach us the humility (and by God's grace, grace and patience) to submit (not compromise, submit) to God's will. To seek His, and accept His instead of mine. The longer I'm married, the more I understand my faith. Guess that's why He used marriage as a metaphor so often. 

Day 450 - My Husband, Who Doesn't Read

So, when Anthem and I were dating (which, as most of you know, was a bit of a fiasco) we once got into a massive argument about reading. I wanted a man who would, at least once a year, read through a favorite book of mine and write in the margins and give it to me for Christmas. It sounded so romantic to me! And Anthem was straight up, "That is not me. That is probably never going to be me. Are you going to learn an instrument and write me an album every year? Of course not, and I don't expect you to." Needless to say, I threw a fit, and he was right. Remember yesterday when I blogged about single culture? Add to the list of things that needs to be revised is 'weird expectations based loosely on film and cultural ideas of romance that are actually self absorbed demands so that we feel better about ourselves' cause that's what that was. 

I realized, with a little help and prayer, that Anthem was (and is) exactly what I needed. Reader or not, he's incredibly intelligent and we spend many a road trip discussing little more than science, fiction, science fiction, and fantasy. It's... pretty much the best. And I absolutely adore him for it. His lack of obsession with books has really opened my eyes to a whole other side of intelligence, to creativity, to imagination, to *gasp* interaction with the real world. 

Now that we've got that established, I have actually been rather lax about reading and/or straight up not doing it for years now. I was once an avid reader, and I have wanted to be again for a long time. The only problem is that I sort of lost my taste for fiction. When I do read, I read philosophy, theology, and history. All of which are great, but none of which truly propelled me back into 'avid reader' status. I read books every once in a great while. 

Until my non-reading husband changed all that. And to be clear, it's not that Anthem is against reading, far from it. It's just that because of the way his brain is wired, reading is difficult as it requires mental energy to focus in just one place for extended periods of time, and often requires quite a bit of stillness. Neither of which come easy to him, especially outside of worship. And that's when he had the genius idea of audio books. Every morning he goes to work at 4am for roughly five hours. He was desperate for something to keep his attention while he was sorting boxes. So we went to the library to pick out an audio book and see how he liked it. Well. He loved it and asked me to go to the library to get more so he wouldn't run out. Since then, he's been blasting through books. 2-3 a week. 

On top of which, they have him so lively, and so inspired, that it overflows. He just has to talk to me about all that's going on in the book worlds. And one series he loved so much that he insisted I start reading it, and that we buy all the hardback copies of it because it's going to be a favorite of our children. 

I'm in love. The series is called "The Chronicles of the Imaginarium Geographica" and has 7 books, the last of which comes out this November. It is truly one of the best series I've ever read, or at least so far it is. I'm only on book two. But I felt something inside click last night when I could hardly put the book down and go to sleep. I knew that my husband, who is not an avid reader, had gone and reignited the spark in me to become one again. 

Just goes to show you, I guess. 

Day 449 - Single Culture

I don't miss being single. I don't miss being single at all. Nothing about single life is appealing to me. Now, to those of you who are single: I'm not saying singleness is something to get out of as soon as possible, because it's not. I'm saying I wish I had known, when I was single, that singleness is a culture. THE culture in America. At least in my experience. Allow me to elaborate.

About half of the American population is married (over 18 population) and significantly more than that are living together romantically. And yet, marketing is for singles. "Aha!" You might say, "It is not so!" (BTW - right now, you're faking a British accent) "I have seen the commercials! I have seen the ads! They are for families! Ho!" And hey, maybe you're right. Anthem and I don't have TV (we use netflix mostly) because we don't see the need to pay for channel flipping and a commercial overload, so my knowledge of commercials may be old. But I remember (and have blogged in the past) about how our society is completely consumed with the idea of idiot fathers/husbands and controlling mothers/wives. "But again!" You say, "Families!" 

To that I say, "Bullshit." Look at those commercials. Those aren't for families. Those are for single people with a ring on their finger. Those families are not teams. They are individuals living under the same roof, buying into the lie that their spouse is supposed to make them happy and when that doesn't work - something is wrong with the spouse, not the system. Look closely at those commercials. They portray (and sell to) people whose normal, everyday life, is absolutely miserable. Because everything being sold is to make you less miserable. 

Men - buy NFL Sunday Ticket so you can have your guy friends over and completely ignore your wife and family and be a messy slob who doesn't do anything but watch sports. Because isn't that what all men want? To pretend they're frat boys?

Women - buy these cleaning supplies! Because God knows your husband isn't going to help you clean up, or your miserable, bratty children either. Also - be skinny. NOT for your husband, that's a laugh, no one loves him, especially not you. No, do it so you can FLIRT WITH THE POOLBOY AND FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF. 

Okay, so maybe my tendency to scream at the commercials is another reason why we don't have TV. The point remains. Our entire culture is saturated in single. 

Thing is... Anthem and I are no longer part of that culture. And I swear to you, we are so much happier because of it. Marketing aside (really, I mean it) single culture is exhausting. Flirting, wondering if he likes you, wondering if he's commitment material, how far is too far, I just want to go on a date, the entire bar scene, trying to be available without being too available because what if your grandma is right and being too smart means that you'll be forever alone because boys are intimidated by smart women, and the list goes on for literally ever. It's. Exhausting. It's also bullshit. But its almost impossible to see it when you're in it. 

*Sigh* so much so that it's difficult to explain. So instead, I'm going to focus on what it's like outside of it. 

1) Outside of it, I get to enjoy who I am. "Sure," you think, "Because Anthem loves you for who you are. That's why I'm trying so hard to get someone!" Not exactly. I get to enjoy who I am because I no longer care about 'getting someone'. The more I am myself, the easier I am to be around. That's just logic. 

2) We're a team. He is not an idiot and I am not controlling. He is the leader, but is wise enough to not try and do everything himself. For instance, it is well known that I am the keeper of the checkbook. Because out of the two of us, I'm the best for the job. He's still the leader. 

3) You suffer and joy together. He helps me with the chores I'm not a huge fan of, because doing it together makes it easier. We share the things we LOVE together, and it is all the more joyous because it is shared. 

4) You stop listening to the world to a large extent, and as you do, the silly voices become quieter and quieter and you begin to realize how enormously stupid they always have been. You stop caring about what the world thinks of you, or your marriage and just let it be. You stop wondering how you must look to the outside. You stop waiting for the other shoe to fall. You start becoming aware that you'll never, ever fully know your spouse and that's really okay. Maybe it's even a wonderful thing. You start doing things as one, instead of just together, and begin to understand the difference. You realize that everyone who makes jokes about marriage being miserable makes you sad because you aren't, even though it seems to be the 'fad' to be miserably married. You start to realize that the entire time you were single you were really, really selfish. You begin to realize that you can't become a better person by yourself. 

5) You begin to understand what Paul was talking about. Despite what the culture around you says, being married is a hell of a lot easier than being single. At least it is for us. And for our friends. 

All in all... Single culture sucks. And I'm glad we're not in it anymore. And to be honest, we're working to stay out of it. Which means that most of our closest friends are married. The ones who are single are really very mature. (I'm looking at you, Miss Erica.) Anyway, my prayer for you single ladies (especially, though you guys as well) is to blessed enough to see outside of the culture you're immersed in. And maybe, if we all stop acting like 'culturally acceptable' (Christian or not, virgin or not, promise ring or not, we all still act like single people) single people, we'll all be a lot less miserable.