For those of you who don't know, my mother is a survivor of breast cancer. She came into my room when I was 17 and gave me the news. I couldn't process it right away. I remember, it was a few weeks later, before she had even gone into treatment, that it hit me. I was sitting in the hallway of my highschool, helping my best friend choreograph a dance routine, that I finally just lost it and sobbed my eyes out. Two weeks later, I was on a plane to Germany. I didn't realize it at the time, but my mom shipped me off (against the advice of every single one of her 'also a mother' peers) to Europe for 8 weeks while she underwent the radiation treatment. By the time I came home, she was cured. The cancer had been removed and was gone forever.
I still tear up thinking about it. See, it's been just me and my mom against the world since I was 10. That was when my brother moved out to live with his soon to be wife. Ever since, it's been me and her against the world. I knew, even from that age, that no matter what happened, my mom and I would make it through. We had each other, and that was all we needed.
A year later, my father was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. Complications from the radiation and chemotherapy took him from me when I was 22, 3 months before my graduation from college. I passed my last trimester on what I like to call 'pity credits'. My professors had known me for almost 4 years at that point, and though I only came to 1 in every 3 classes, I still passed each with a B. They knew me, and knew what I was capable of, and most of them knew, on some level, the crippling grief I was trying to deal with.
The point of all of this, is not to make you pity me. Many, in fact most, in this world have it much harder than I. I am phenomenally blessed in comparison. But in comparison does not make my grief, nor your pain, any less real. It does not take away from my heart being ripped from my chest as my father was taken from me, or as I fear my mother will be in time. It does not diminish the pain of losing my best friend in the process, or of wrongly interpreted prophesy. I broke. I shattered into a million pieces. But I am who I am today because of it.
The Gentleman once told me, "You are the smallest person I have ever looked up to." And that means more than I could ever express here in the blog. And the foundation that has been built on that pain is what makes me able to do what I have in the past few weeks. If it wasn't for the OSM,who, even tonight, took my hand and promised me that we would always be us, no matter the relationship we were in, or my mother, who has endlessly supported me in the past few years, or the memory of my father, or the despair that gripped me, or the grief that ripped me in two, I wouldn't be where I am. I wouldn't be who I am. This pain, and these friends, and my family, have formed such a solid foundation that I can reach, that I can stretch myself beyond where I am comfortable. For if I fall, my foundation is a solid, and comfortable place to land.
So for all of you that have been there for me, for all of you that make up the intricate lattice that is my foundation, for all of you that have held me through the questioning and tears: I say thank you. There are no words. There is only a gratitude born from my heart of hearts. You have built me up to this. You have given me wings. Thank you for giving me the ability to take flight.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Day Two Hundred and Forty Nine - The Death of Hypocrisy
Do you remember that painfully honest blog where I told you all of the things that were wrong with me? That I confessed each lie that I wore like a mask? That I came clean with the things that shamed me the most? Since then, I have been doing a lot of internal dissection; figuring out the real me vs. who I wanted you to think the real me was.
And a lot of that came into clarification with The Gentleman. With The Gentleman, I decided to make a massive change in my life. For the longest time, I tried to live up to the standards that were set by my favorite theologians, namely Mark Driscoll and John Piper. Please do not misunderstand me, I respect those men more than I have words for. But Mark Driscoll is in his early 40's, and Piper in his late 60's. They are amazing men who have spent decades of their life in pursuit of God and preaching His gospel. They are humbling and inspiring. But I am not there yet. And it is pointless, nay, damaging, for me to think that I am, or can be, there yet. Driscoll alone has 2 decades on me, Piper over 4. They have lived, they have experienced things I can only dream of at this point. Their convictions come from the heart, not from books, but from life lived and God experienced. I can no longer pretend that we are the same. I am not there yet. And I am exhausted from pretending that I am.
So with The Gentleman, I made a massive shift to follow my heart, and my gut, and do something that would make me happy, even if I didn't know where it was going or where it would end. And so far, I am blissful. I am a changed woman. The OSM will tell you. I underwent a huge change when I just let my head fall back, and let my hair down, and relaxed into it. I feel as if my soul finally released itself in a great song of praise, letting go and singing at the top of my lungs, regardless of the lyrics that came out, or even the tune. I just sang. From my heart. Anger and freedom, frustration and worship, beauty and ashes, newness and loss. I'm singing. I'm singing with my whole heart for the world to see. This is the real me.
The me who decides each moment what I believe and what I don't; the me who sees what my true convictions are by my actions, not by my thoughts. The me who is decided based solely on my experiences, on my lessons, on my life. Me, for the love of God, and only me.
I don't care if you understand, though I want you to. I want you to understand what I'm doing, and why, but if you don't... it's not going to stop me. This is my life and I have to live it in the only way I can. Too long have I been skirting in the shadows, too long have I hung back, afraid. Now I grasp at this life, now I cling to it. I know what is to come, that belief remains unshaken, but until then, there are many things to try. Many mistakes to be learned. Many moments to have beautiful realizations.
Many moments to look back on and cherish, to hold close to my heart. Things that are only for me, this life that is mine. I cannot give away something I do not own. I long to give my life, fully and completely, to God my Father. But I am not there yet. I cannot give away something that I have not yet had.
And so this is both my prayer and my movement: that I have a life made full, so that I can do with it what I choose.
And a lot of that came into clarification with The Gentleman. With The Gentleman, I decided to make a massive change in my life. For the longest time, I tried to live up to the standards that were set by my favorite theologians, namely Mark Driscoll and John Piper. Please do not misunderstand me, I respect those men more than I have words for. But Mark Driscoll is in his early 40's, and Piper in his late 60's. They are amazing men who have spent decades of their life in pursuit of God and preaching His gospel. They are humbling and inspiring. But I am not there yet. And it is pointless, nay, damaging, for me to think that I am, or can be, there yet. Driscoll alone has 2 decades on me, Piper over 4. They have lived, they have experienced things I can only dream of at this point. Their convictions come from the heart, not from books, but from life lived and God experienced. I can no longer pretend that we are the same. I am not there yet. And I am exhausted from pretending that I am.
So with The Gentleman, I made a massive shift to follow my heart, and my gut, and do something that would make me happy, even if I didn't know where it was going or where it would end. And so far, I am blissful. I am a changed woman. The OSM will tell you. I underwent a huge change when I just let my head fall back, and let my hair down, and relaxed into it. I feel as if my soul finally released itself in a great song of praise, letting go and singing at the top of my lungs, regardless of the lyrics that came out, or even the tune. I just sang. From my heart. Anger and freedom, frustration and worship, beauty and ashes, newness and loss. I'm singing. I'm singing with my whole heart for the world to see. This is the real me.
The me who decides each moment what I believe and what I don't; the me who sees what my true convictions are by my actions, not by my thoughts. The me who is decided based solely on my experiences, on my lessons, on my life. Me, for the love of God, and only me.
I don't care if you understand, though I want you to. I want you to understand what I'm doing, and why, but if you don't... it's not going to stop me. This is my life and I have to live it in the only way I can. Too long have I been skirting in the shadows, too long have I hung back, afraid. Now I grasp at this life, now I cling to it. I know what is to come, that belief remains unshaken, but until then, there are many things to try. Many mistakes to be learned. Many moments to have beautiful realizations.
Many moments to look back on and cherish, to hold close to my heart. Things that are only for me, this life that is mine. I cannot give away something I do not own. I long to give my life, fully and completely, to God my Father. But I am not there yet. I cannot give away something that I have not yet had.
And so this is both my prayer and my movement: that I have a life made full, so that I can do with it what I choose.
Day Two Hundred and Forty Eight - Everything Is New
So tonight the OSM and I shared a few more hidden hours. After almost a month without seeing each other, it was beyond time to catch up. And seeing him was far more enlightening than I had anticipated. As I gushed about The Gentleman, his smile grew bigger and bigger. "It's so good to see you smitten." He said. And he's right, I am. I am smitten with The Gentleman. And to see the OSM be so happy for me was... wonderful.
One of the reasons I had put off dating for so long is my reluctance to give up my good guy friends. They are wonderful, and I can't imagine my life without them. And then The Gentleman came along, and trusted me enough to keep them. Even my hidden hours. I can have both. In this particular case, I get to have my cake and eat it too.
As we talked, the OSM and I covered many topics. One of which was my frustration with God. Just beneath the surface, I have discovered a boiling anger. One I talk myself out of constantly, using reason to try and defuse the discontent. He is God. I trust Him. I know His ways are higher than mine. I know He loves me. I know He works for my good. And yet... prayer after prayer gets 'NO' over and over and I can't figure out why. I don't understand why He doesn't let me move forward. At this, the OSM sighed.
Firstly, he said, look at your life. Do you see all the newness? You're in a new relationship, and it makes you glow. You're in a new job that you've been with for less than 60 days. Your life is flooded with newness. And it made me stop and think. He was right. My life is flooded with newness. New experiences. New people. New situations. New job opportunities. So much newness.
He looked at me and smiled, "I understand your frustration," He said. "But I've learned that God often uses the TTT method."
"The TTT method?" I asked, curious.
"Touch, Tap, Two by Four." I couldn't help but laugh, he was right. "At first, God touches you, brushes you lightly on the skin. 'There is something I want to show you,' He says. But you ignore Him. Then He taps you, 'No, really, you need to see this.' But you respond again, 'Yea, God, next Monday works great for us to have this conversation.' And so He sighs, and smacks you in the head with a two by four and then He has your full attention, which is the only thing He's been asking for this whole time."
And isn't that how it works so often? We're so stubborn, that it's only the lessons by 2x4 that we learn. And sometimes, even with the TTT lessons, we need 2x4 after 2x4 to fully learn it. Sometimes, our frustration with God stems not from Him, but from our own density.
I'm grateful for the tap that the OSM gave me tonight. I don't want a 2x4 to make me realize all the newness that has defined my life of late. His tap was enough to get me to realize it. If you're in the same situation as me, praying for newness over and over again in the midst of frustration; please take a look around and tell me if everything isn't made new. Look at your life, look at who you are, and see if it isn't made new.
See if you aren't a wildly different person than you were than when you first started praying for newness. See, please see, how much you've moved.
One of the reasons I had put off dating for so long is my reluctance to give up my good guy friends. They are wonderful, and I can't imagine my life without them. And then The Gentleman came along, and trusted me enough to keep them. Even my hidden hours. I can have both. In this particular case, I get to have my cake and eat it too.
As we talked, the OSM and I covered many topics. One of which was my frustration with God. Just beneath the surface, I have discovered a boiling anger. One I talk myself out of constantly, using reason to try and defuse the discontent. He is God. I trust Him. I know His ways are higher than mine. I know He loves me. I know He works for my good. And yet... prayer after prayer gets 'NO' over and over and I can't figure out why. I don't understand why He doesn't let me move forward. At this, the OSM sighed.
Firstly, he said, look at your life. Do you see all the newness? You're in a new relationship, and it makes you glow. You're in a new job that you've been with for less than 60 days. Your life is flooded with newness. And it made me stop and think. He was right. My life is flooded with newness. New experiences. New people. New situations. New job opportunities. So much newness.
He looked at me and smiled, "I understand your frustration," He said. "But I've learned that God often uses the TTT method."
"The TTT method?" I asked, curious.
"Touch, Tap, Two by Four." I couldn't help but laugh, he was right. "At first, God touches you, brushes you lightly on the skin. 'There is something I want to show you,' He says. But you ignore Him. Then He taps you, 'No, really, you need to see this.' But you respond again, 'Yea, God, next Monday works great for us to have this conversation.' And so He sighs, and smacks you in the head with a two by four and then He has your full attention, which is the only thing He's been asking for this whole time."
And isn't that how it works so often? We're so stubborn, that it's only the lessons by 2x4 that we learn. And sometimes, even with the TTT lessons, we need 2x4 after 2x4 to fully learn it. Sometimes, our frustration with God stems not from Him, but from our own density.
I'm grateful for the tap that the OSM gave me tonight. I don't want a 2x4 to make me realize all the newness that has defined my life of late. His tap was enough to get me to realize it. If you're in the same situation as me, praying for newness over and over again in the midst of frustration; please take a look around and tell me if everything isn't made new. Look at your life, look at who you are, and see if it isn't made new.
See if you aren't a wildly different person than you were than when you first started praying for newness. See, please see, how much you've moved.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Day Two Hundred and Forty Seven - OLYMPICS
Look, I took a sick day at work. And I HATE taking sick days. I would much rather be working. I do not want to feel hot and cold and run a fever and be achy and feel horrible. I'd much rather take 8 hours of work and making money than a wasted day in my bed. I only told you all that to explain why today's is so very short. I have a pounding headache to top it off. However, it's July 27th, 2012. And that means one thing: the Olympics started today. I'm watching the opening ceremonies right now, and they are inspiring. The national pride that radiates from each nation is palpable. In this world full of war it is a great shining light of peace and innovation and the good type of national pride. It's one of my absolute favorite things. I will watch so much Olympic coverage in the next 17 days, I will only dream in 3 colors. Gold, silver, and bronze. Let's go divers, swimmers, gymnasts, and runners. Let's bring home the gold, and even if we don't, let's cheer for the ones for the ones who do.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Day Two Hundred and Forty Six - Heatwave
For anyone who hasn't noticed how incredibly hot it's been for the entire summer... well you're more of a hermit than I am. I have the day off, and so started my mornings the way I prefer, on my porch, in my hammock. It was 83 degrees and there was a gentle breeze. And it felt delightfully cool. Like, as good as a glass of ice cold iced tea.
Because it's all about perspective. When it's been 104, 83 feels amazing. When life is great, the little things seem bigger. When life sucks, the little blessings make all the difference. Always try to keep in mind, it can always get so much worse. Always keep life compared to absolute and total crap - because in perspective - life is wonderful. And that's the truth of life. It's wonderful. No matter how much it sucks, no matter how hard it rains, no matter how many times it knocks you down, it's wonderful.
Never, never forget that.
Because it's all about perspective. When it's been 104, 83 feels amazing. When life is great, the little things seem bigger. When life sucks, the little blessings make all the difference. Always try to keep in mind, it can always get so much worse. Always keep life compared to absolute and total crap - because in perspective - life is wonderful. And that's the truth of life. It's wonderful. No matter how much it sucks, no matter how hard it rains, no matter how many times it knocks you down, it's wonderful.
Never, never forget that.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Day Two Hundred and Forty Five - 30,000 Steps
Sometimes, life can be a bitch, and we have a saying for that. For every step we take forward, sometimes, it seems like life makes us take 3 back. But... that's not true. Today, I took 30,000 literal steps (14.5 miles, but not like anyone was counting). And no matter how many times I had to turn around and go in the opposite direction, those steps still counted toward my total. And that's sort of my point in today's mini blog - going backward isn't taking steps back. It's just more steps. Life cannot take away where you've been, the lessons you've learned, or who you've become. It can only make your goals a little harder to reach. And each day is full of steps (I'm not saying 30,000, but if I was, does even 1 step back really make a difference at that point?), some forward, some back, some to the side. Each day you learn, you grow, you move. Nothing can take that away from you. It's yours. It's you. So keep going. You'll get there. After all, if I can walk 30,000 steps in a day, then any of us can get anywhere in a reasonable amount of time, don't you think?
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Day Two Hundred and Forty Four - All To Myself
This blog has really helped me be more of an open book. You can ask me anything and I'll tell you. I've got nothing to hide. But recently someone incredible has come into my life in a brand new way. We've been friends for years, but now we're more and it's one of the best decisions I've made in a very long time. And I could write an entire blog about how amazing he is, and really want to, but he's not as much as an open book as I am, and more importantly, the world doesn't need to know. A few people do, but not the world. The world can hear about what I learn, and how I grow, and my many, many realizations about life and people.
But The Gentleman? He's just for me. I get to enjoy him and not make it a headline. Because it's ours. And we're happy together. And for the vast majority of my audience, there it ends. I'm sure I'll write about the weekends spent with him, and our adventures together, and especially the food. Yay for food. But what we are, and who he is, and all the little things (and the big things) that he does to make me laugh and smile and sigh (with contentment), those are just for me. I'm keeping The Gentleman all to myself.
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