Day 452 - When God Says "No"

For those of you that know me, when I refer to my three years of stupidity, you know what I'm talking about. For those of you that don't, I have zero intention of ever telling you because unlike some, I am not proud of my stupidity, let alone that it lasted for 3 years. What it was about is totally unimportant. What I want to bring up today is the endless sea of frustration that I lived in. To be clear: it was entirely my fault. Entirely. 

I kept asking God for the same thing, over and over and over and over. For 3 very long, confusing years, all I heard was 'No'. Which... in hindsight, isn't all He was saying. It was all I was hearing. In fact, He was saying something much closer to, "No, I have something better for you. It's just not time yet." And had I heard, and held onto that truth, then those 3 years could have been filled with a lot more productivity on my part.

I got myself started in a similar cycle just a few weeks ago. For 5 months now I've been asking God to provide me with a job, and have been applying my brains out, and I've started calling back and am now started with a temp agency to try and get something started. Two weeks ago, I was pretty much close to tears whenever I thought about it. Anthem and I are as broke as I have ever been in my life, which... is a separate post about why I'm thankful for it (even while we work to get out of it) and what I've learned from it. I was close to tears because I was so frustrated. I'm doing everything I know to get hired, I'm applying everywhere I can think of, and still coming up empty.

But I'm not going to make the same mistake I did before, and beat my head against the wall. Because I'm starting to believe that God never says, "No." I don't think He usually explains Himself, because He doesn't. But on top of remembering that God is good, all good things come from Him, and that He is neither spiteful, vengeful, or impotent, I find it useful to remember that a) all things work together in His time, not ours and b) there is no 'down time'. God doesn't waste time. If it's not time for me to be employed, if I haven't learned enough pounding the pavement, if I haven't spent enough time with Anthem, or any other reason that now may not be the time to get a job (though I will continue praying that it is) doesn't mean that it's time to get lost or frustrated or stop trying or stop living and learning. It's not the persistence that was the problem in the past, it was refusing to use the time for His glory while I waited. So I keep myself occupied (which isn't hard. Today is the first day I've just sat down as I haven't been feeling great) while I keep trying and applying and waiting and hoping and make sure I don't stop living and learning and growing.

So I'm going to remember that the last time God seemed to refuse my request, it's because He had something far better in mind, and do my best to stick it out in patience and faith. Because God is good, and like any good parent, He only says 'No' for our good.

Day 451 - Work Out Your Salvation

For the past few months, the verse Philippians 2:12-13 has been going through my mind at random times.

"Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure."

I think I often forget just how much grace is involved in my salvation. And how much change is necessary. God invites us as we are, but for our good and His glory, will not let us remain the same. It helps to remind me that our walk is not something that we start when we begin to walk with Jesus and never work on again until we die, but something that we work out day by day, for God works in us. Our walk needs daily course correction. Sometimes hourly. God is not a God to be taken lightly, even as He showers us with grace and makes us heirs. He is not to be dismissed. It is a covenant, and while permanent, needs constant tending by both parties. 

The same is true of marriage. I love my husband deeply, and have no doubt that our marriage is permanent. But it would be foolish to think that once we got married, and swore to be there forever, that our marriage would be smooth sailing from that point on and really didn't need anymore work. I love how one covenant teaches me about the other, and how I've come to appreciate both more fully. 

The other day we were out working together, and it was hot, and I had drastically underestimated the task, so we were going to be out in the heat for a very, very long time. Anthem was pretty upset. He wasn't going to leave and make me do it by myself, but he was not happy. I had to take more breaks than he did, as I am not used to this Texas level heat. No, Iowa, it's not the same. I said that in the beginning, I was wrong. It's hotter here. But together, we kept on. And it got easier, much easier as the day went on. We were talking, even having a bit of fun together, and just toughing it out. And suddenly, we were done for the day. And that's when something spectacular happened. 

Anthem came up, hugged me, and immediately began to pray. "God, I'm sorry. You have entrusted me with Your daughter and I did not encourage her today. But she toughed it out with me anyway, and kept a positive attitude. Lord, I thank you for her." And he kissed me on the forehead and apologized to me. I was pretty much moved to tears at his humility and strength. 

We've been married for a little over 5 months, and have apologized to each other quite a number of times. We've also prayed over each other... a lot. Just a lot. We've stopped to take time to repeat how thankful we are for each other, both when we're feeling it, and when we're angry or hurt. We do something to course correct our marriage, whether it be our own emotions and attitudes, our behavior toward each other, our long and short term life goals, our spending habits (and saving habits and our need and wants lists), our prayers, and a whole host of other things as we grow together as one at least everyday, and sometimes a whole lot more often than that. We work it out, and are ridiculously happy doing so. It's not always easy, but never once would I think that it's not worth it. It's even gotten easier as we go along. It's much easier now than it was in the first week when we still knew each other so little. 

I think the same thing goes with God. I don't give Him nearly as much attention as I do my husband, which is sad but true. And will probably always be true. But when we talk, and I apologize (only works one way in this particular relationship) and we work together, not only does our relationship improve, but my life does too. In the same way that when Anthem and I work it out, our marriage improves and so does our life because the two cannot really be separated. I have no life outside of my marriage. And any idea that I have a 'life outside of my faith' is false. They are all intertwined too much, woven into each other and layered. 

So just... remember with me. That course correction is essential, healthy, and just in case you're still buying into all that our society has to say about marriage does not make you weak because proving your dominance in marriage is a really good way to be miserable. So I'm just going to say it and accept any backlash I may get. Compromising has made me a better woman. For the sake of not being willfully misunderstood, my husband often compromises and will watch a movie I want to, or eat noodles again because he loves me deeply. But being considerate of another human being (especially one that is almost always right, which often means that I am wrong when we bump heads) has made me a better woman. Regardless of how stubborn I am (which is really, really stubborn) and how often I think I am right (which is a number highly inflated by my ego) the fact remains that thinking of another person, that compromising, and sometimes even just straight up letting the other person have their way makes us all better people. 

And can help teach us the humility (and by God's grace, grace and patience) to submit (not compromise, submit) to God's will. To seek His, and accept His instead of mine. The longer I'm married, the more I understand my faith. Guess that's why He used marriage as a metaphor so often. 

Day 450 - My Husband, Who Doesn't Read

So, when Anthem and I were dating (which, as most of you know, was a bit of a fiasco) we once got into a massive argument about reading. I wanted a man who would, at least once a year, read through a favorite book of mine and write in the margins and give it to me for Christmas. It sounded so romantic to me! And Anthem was straight up, "That is not me. That is probably never going to be me. Are you going to learn an instrument and write me an album every year? Of course not, and I don't expect you to." Needless to say, I threw a fit, and he was right. Remember yesterday when I blogged about single culture? Add to the list of things that needs to be revised is 'weird expectations based loosely on film and cultural ideas of romance that are actually self absorbed demands so that we feel better about ourselves' cause that's what that was. 

I realized, with a little help and prayer, that Anthem was (and is) exactly what I needed. Reader or not, he's incredibly intelligent and we spend many a road trip discussing little more than science, fiction, science fiction, and fantasy. It's... pretty much the best. And I absolutely adore him for it. His lack of obsession with books has really opened my eyes to a whole other side of intelligence, to creativity, to imagination, to *gasp* interaction with the real world. 

Now that we've got that established, I have actually been rather lax about reading and/or straight up not doing it for years now. I was once an avid reader, and I have wanted to be again for a long time. The only problem is that I sort of lost my taste for fiction. When I do read, I read philosophy, theology, and history. All of which are great, but none of which truly propelled me back into 'avid reader' status. I read books every once in a great while. 

Until my non-reading husband changed all that. And to be clear, it's not that Anthem is against reading, far from it. It's just that because of the way his brain is wired, reading is difficult as it requires mental energy to focus in just one place for extended periods of time, and often requires quite a bit of stillness. Neither of which come easy to him, especially outside of worship. And that's when he had the genius idea of audio books. Every morning he goes to work at 4am for roughly five hours. He was desperate for something to keep his attention while he was sorting boxes. So we went to the library to pick out an audio book and see how he liked it. Well. He loved it and asked me to go to the library to get more so he wouldn't run out. Since then, he's been blasting through books. 2-3 a week. 

On top of which, they have him so lively, and so inspired, that it overflows. He just has to talk to me about all that's going on in the book worlds. And one series he loved so much that he insisted I start reading it, and that we buy all the hardback copies of it because it's going to be a favorite of our children. 

I'm in love. The series is called "The Chronicles of the Imaginarium Geographica" and has 7 books, the last of which comes out this November. It is truly one of the best series I've ever read, or at least so far it is. I'm only on book two. But I felt something inside click last night when I could hardly put the book down and go to sleep. I knew that my husband, who is not an avid reader, had gone and reignited the spark in me to become one again. 

Just goes to show you, I guess. 

Day 449 - Single Culture

I don't miss being single. I don't miss being single at all. Nothing about single life is appealing to me. Now, to those of you who are single: I'm not saying singleness is something to get out of as soon as possible, because it's not. I'm saying I wish I had known, when I was single, that singleness is a culture. THE culture in America. At least in my experience. Allow me to elaborate.

About half of the American population is married (over 18 population) and significantly more than that are living together romantically. And yet, marketing is for singles. "Aha!" You might say, "It is not so!" (BTW - right now, you're faking a British accent) "I have seen the commercials! I have seen the ads! They are for families! Ho!" And hey, maybe you're right. Anthem and I don't have TV (we use netflix mostly) because we don't see the need to pay for channel flipping and a commercial overload, so my knowledge of commercials may be old. But I remember (and have blogged in the past) about how our society is completely consumed with the idea of idiot fathers/husbands and controlling mothers/wives. "But again!" You say, "Families!" 

To that I say, "Bullshit." Look at those commercials. Those aren't for families. Those are for single people with a ring on their finger. Those families are not teams. They are individuals living under the same roof, buying into the lie that their spouse is supposed to make them happy and when that doesn't work - something is wrong with the spouse, not the system. Look closely at those commercials. They portray (and sell to) people whose normal, everyday life, is absolutely miserable. Because everything being sold is to make you less miserable. 

Men - buy NFL Sunday Ticket so you can have your guy friends over and completely ignore your wife and family and be a messy slob who doesn't do anything but watch sports. Because isn't that what all men want? To pretend they're frat boys?

Women - buy these cleaning supplies! Because God knows your husband isn't going to help you clean up, or your miserable, bratty children either. Also - be skinny. NOT for your husband, that's a laugh, no one loves him, especially not you. No, do it so you can FLIRT WITH THE POOLBOY AND FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF. 

Okay, so maybe my tendency to scream at the commercials is another reason why we don't have TV. The point remains. Our entire culture is saturated in single. 

Thing is... Anthem and I are no longer part of that culture. And I swear to you, we are so much happier because of it. Marketing aside (really, I mean it) single culture is exhausting. Flirting, wondering if he likes you, wondering if he's commitment material, how far is too far, I just want to go on a date, the entire bar scene, trying to be available without being too available because what if your grandma is right and being too smart means that you'll be forever alone because boys are intimidated by smart women, and the list goes on for literally ever. It's. Exhausting. It's also bullshit. But its almost impossible to see it when you're in it. 

*Sigh* so much so that it's difficult to explain. So instead, I'm going to focus on what it's like outside of it. 

1) Outside of it, I get to enjoy who I am. "Sure," you think, "Because Anthem loves you for who you are. That's why I'm trying so hard to get someone!" Not exactly. I get to enjoy who I am because I no longer care about 'getting someone'. The more I am myself, the easier I am to be around. That's just logic. 

2) We're a team. He is not an idiot and I am not controlling. He is the leader, but is wise enough to not try and do everything himself. For instance, it is well known that I am the keeper of the checkbook. Because out of the two of us, I'm the best for the job. He's still the leader. 

3) You suffer and joy together. He helps me with the chores I'm not a huge fan of, because doing it together makes it easier. We share the things we LOVE together, and it is all the more joyous because it is shared. 

4) You stop listening to the world to a large extent, and as you do, the silly voices become quieter and quieter and you begin to realize how enormously stupid they always have been. You stop caring about what the world thinks of you, or your marriage and just let it be. You stop wondering how you must look to the outside. You stop waiting for the other shoe to fall. You start becoming aware that you'll never, ever fully know your spouse and that's really okay. Maybe it's even a wonderful thing. You start doing things as one, instead of just together, and begin to understand the difference. You realize that everyone who makes jokes about marriage being miserable makes you sad because you aren't, even though it seems to be the 'fad' to be miserably married. You start to realize that the entire time you were single you were really, really selfish. You begin to realize that you can't become a better person by yourself. 

5) You begin to understand what Paul was talking about. Despite what the culture around you says, being married is a hell of a lot easier than being single. At least it is for us. And for our friends. 

All in all... Single culture sucks. And I'm glad we're not in it anymore. And to be honest, we're working to stay out of it. Which means that most of our closest friends are married. The ones who are single are really very mature. (I'm looking at you, Miss Erica.) Anyway, my prayer for you single ladies (especially, though you guys as well) is to blessed enough to see outside of the culture you're immersed in. And maybe, if we all stop acting like 'culturally acceptable' (Christian or not, virgin or not, promise ring or not, we all still act like single people) single people, we'll all be a lot less miserable. 

Day 448 - Never Have I Ever

The week before my wedding I was on the phone with my brother. It was 11pm and he was beyond upset with me. I was beyond frustrated with him. In case you didn't know, my brother was not happy about my marriage to Anthem. It was not what he wanted for me. It was not what he wanted from me. We were arguing. I said, "I don't care if you don't approve. Mom does, and she knows me a hell of a lot better than you. She supports me."

He said, "Of course she does. She'd support you in anything. She's supporting you now. It's pathetic. You're what, twenty five? And you've never even had a real job."

I hung up on him. He didn't know what he was talking about. I had worked hard, wherever I could find work, for years trying to work my way up. I had two jobs at the time, one professional, one retail, though I had to quit both when I moved to Texas. And I've blogged a few times about the physical/spiritual journey that is the job hunt down here. At first, I wanted a job that would make Anthem proud. I didn't want to work in a grocery store or retail. I was afraid Anthem would be ashamed of having a wife in a position like that. I know better now. Anthem values a wife that works for her family (as I have been, though technically unemployed) and a wife that finds value in herself - he does not assign me value based on what position I hold in a company. That was revolutionary to me. Due to the influence of my (wonderful, though flawed) father and (work in progress) brother, I had always assumed that I had to have a position to be proud of, and that without it, no one would be proud of me, or think well of me. God bless him everyday, my amazing gift of a husband has changed that for me. He has shown me, he has taught me, that I am valuable for no other reason than who I am. And under his care and love, have blossomed into the best version of myself I have ever been. And also the truest. I am just... me.

Which is why, I've never been more proud of myself than I am today. A few days ago, a wonderful woman spent hours of her afternoon off helping me fix my resume to honestly reflect my experience and ability, and taught me how to write effective cover letters. She's amazing, and truly believes that I'll be employed in two weeks or less in a professional setting. I've been applying my brains out, and pray that she is right. It would be wonderful. As I was leaving, she asked if until I found employment, whether I would be willing to clean her house for her. As we had been talking, I had mentioned how cleaning actually calms me and helps me get settled. I said I'd love to, and I start tomorrow.

Anthem knows I took her offer to clean her house, he doesn't know I start tomorrow. And I can hardly wait to tell him because I know he'll be so proud of me. Because I genuinely enjoy cleaning. Because the pay is very good. Because we could use the extra money and because I enjoy doing anything that is good for us. Because I no longer judge people by the 'level' of employed that they are. Because I no longer judge myself by the level of employed that I am, and that's all because of Anthem.

Never have I ever liked myself more. Never have I ever been more proud of myself. Never have I ever been so happy. Never have I ever been as blessed as I am right now, to love and be loved by Anthem.

Day 447 - Not My Responsibility

I've talked a few times about how people I once counted as friends, even close friends, have refused to recognize my marriage, let alone agree to honor and protect it. Some cut themselves off from me, others required me to do the cutting. Even in the midst of all of this, I have always wanted to explain to them what I was doing and why - which, in case you were curious - has always been a fruitless endeavor.

I always felt bad about cutting them off. I didn't want them to feel abandoned by me, or (as has been known to occur) blame Anthem for my actions and think poorly of him. However, I have recently come to the conclusion that:

a) No one 'needs' me. Don't get me wrong. I love the friends I have in my life and wouldn't trade them, but I have learned that they come and go in seasons, even the ones that stick with you for life. I am not necessary to anyone's walk. 

b) While I am tired of people misunderstanding my motives, my actions, my marriage, and especially my husband, how people perceive my actions is outside of my control, and not my responsibility. 

c) What is my responsibility is guarding my marriage, honoring my husband, and being a godly wife. Doing what is best for Anthem and I, being above suspicion, and working as one are my responsibilities. I try to always make sure that everyone knows what an amazing man, and husband, Anthem is. But there is nothing I can do for those who are determined to misunderstand and slight him. 

d) I don't have to explain what I am doing or why to anyone who is not Anthem or my spiritual leaders. I do not 'owe' anyone that. My responsibility is to Anthem. Anyone that does not value, honor, and protect our marriage has lost any 'right' to anything when it comes to me. Period. 

Maybe I just needed to remind myself of all of this. I'm not even sure if this will make sense to anyone else, or that anyone else will even agree with me. And I'm okay with that. Because I know I'm doing whats best for me, and for us. And that's the only thing I am responsible for. 

Day 446 - He Loves Me Tenderly

Anthem... so many thoughts, memories, and emotions come to me just at the mention of his name. When we married, we knew we were building our marriage on a foundation of respect rather than love. But it did not take long for the love to rise up, and rise up strongly. Though, notably, the love has never outstripped the respect. They have risen like a tide together, and this has made for relatively smooth sailing in the beginning of a marriage between two people who hardly knew each other. I am absolutely floored by the grace of our God in such a precious, precious gift.

The heart of this post is summed up in three scenes from the past week. 

1: Driving home from a Soaking Sessions.

"I want to tell you something, Anthem, but you can't tell anyone else." He nodded, and I continued. "As strong willed as I am, I thoroughly enjoy the fact that you are stronger willed, and can rein me in when I need it. I just... wanted to thank you. It's much easier to be a good follower when I know I've got such a good leader."

He turned and looked at me, squeezed my hand, and said, "You know, love, its true in reverse too."

2: Home Depot Parking Lot

It is important to understand that at this point we're driving around in the truck and have plants and packages everywhere. We've been enjoying a street fair for hours and are stopping at Home Depot to pick up the supplies to properly replant the plants we purchased, one of which is on the seat divider, two are in my lap, and two are by my feet. Anthem and I are discussing the books we just purchased, and are so into the conversation that we were both hanging out the doors, unwilling to take the half a second to get out of the truck and walk around to continue it. Then, out of nowhere, Anthem says, 

"I appreciate you. I just... I have never, ever enjoyed spending time with someone as much as you. I so thoroughly enjoy you. You are cool, my love. I love you."

Obviously, I grinned, thoroughly pleased. I nodded, and said, "Ditto. So. Much. Ditto."

3: Sunday Morning

It's 7:45 am. We are both exhausted. Anthem is trying to wake up his voice as the praise team does a final rehearsal before the 8:30 service. Saturday was a blissful break from our hectic schedule, but we're both feeling the pressure as Soaking Sessions gets closer and closer to it's start date, and my job search continues fruitlessly, and Anthem works all the time, either unpaid at the church, or paid trying to make sure we can pay all our bills. I know he feels the pressure. We make eye contact and he motions for me to get his throat spray, which we usually keep in my purse so we're never without it when he needs it. However, this morning, it is absent. I've got nothing. He shrugs and mouths, "It's okay." And then tells the worship leader, "I'll just get some water." Except he doesn't have time to leave the stage. So I get up, get a cup, fill it with water, and set it near him. In the middle of a song, he takes the time to make eye contact with me, and mouth, "Thank you." And blow me a kiss. Despite everything that is going on around us, he takes the time to genuinely thank me for such a little thing. 

What has been forming in my heart all week now comes to a head: He is tender with me. His love for me is tender. His love for me is tender. I am his, and he protects me, and is kind and gentle and loves me and appreciates me. And he is mine and I respect him more than I have ever respected any man, delight in being his partner, and love him deeply. His gentle tenderness is teaching me so much about God, and how He loves. I have never, ever been loved like Anthem loves me. And none of us have ever been loved as God loves us. It's... really, really enlightening. 

Lesson: Ladies. There is a difference between mush and tenderness. Mush happens when there is a romantic light in the air and you're dancing under the stars and he whispers in your ear. (Mush can be awesome, btw, but it is no substitute for tenderness.) Tenderness is when he is constantly loving and gentle in the midst of pressure and strife and storm. Tenderness will draw you closer together when life gets rough. Mush will only last as long as the mood music does. One is a lovely treat. The other a marriage strengthener.