But sometimes, in my own ambition, to be the best that I can be for God, to make the best decisions I can, I become my own stumbling block. In my desire to please Him, I forget and neglect His promises of help and care. I forget how big He is and how I never have to choose between obedience and joy.
Allow me to explain my particular form of idiocy. It's not excuse, but in my short lifetime I have seen countless examples of unhealthy or failed relationships. And I decided at a young age that there was no way I was going to do that. I'd rather be single than be with someone who was going to drag me down. But I am fully convinced that I was made to be married, someday. But in my developing mind, somewhere along the line, I made the connection that the couples who serve God together have the healthiest relationships, the ones that survive when all the rest fail. So I made that a real point, that I'd have to be with someone whose faith I respected, and who respected mine, so that we could serve together. What I lost sight of, however, was love. Somehow, somewhere, my brain made the distinction between my duty to serve God and my desire to be loved, and for whatever reason, made them mutually exclusive.
According to my warped perception, it was then a choice. Would I choose duty and obedience, or love? (Granted, now that I've realized it, it seems incredibly obvious, but it wasn't ever this blatantly presented in my inner mind.) And though it came with a deep despair and resignation, I chose duty and obedience.
But today, in the midst of my self imposed heart ache, God broke through the idiocy that is my thought process, and brought Himself back into it. And it was then, when faced with the God I've spent years getting to know, that it started to slowly dawn on me. God never asked us to choose between obedience and love. He especially never asked it of me personally. In my mind, He smiled sort of like you smile at the cute kid that just doesn't get the concept but pat them on the back for trying anyway, and did indeed pat me on the back for my misguided piety. "I'm glad you chose Me," He said, "But I was pretty emphatic about the fact that in choosing Me, you weren't losing anything. That's why I said, 'But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.'" (Matt 6:33) I was slack jawed by my own stupidity, by the limitations I felt the need to impose on Him. For I know His character, and He is my Father. And my Father doesn't want His daughter in a loveless marriage; He wants her to be loved truly, deeply, and completely for her entire life. He wants her to be deeply in love with her husband. And that's the point, by choosing first to love God, He teaches us how to love like He does. Truly, deeply, and completely, forever. So that we can love each other in that same way.
And that's when my heart damned near stopped with joyous gratitude. Because of who God is, I get both. It's that simple. There is no choice, no self imposed nonsensical piety, only good gifts from the Father on the undeserving. I will continue to seek Him first, but no longer with the misguided notion that I will somehow miss out on anything. Rather, my joy is made complete in the truth and promise that He will indeed fulfill my deep longing to be in a God centered, love filled marriage. God's goodness never ceases to awe and humble me.
My parting thought is this: imagine how much I could learn if I wasn't constantly screwing up the basics.
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