Day Three Hundred and Eleven - Melt

Crash. Crash I understood. Melt is an entirely different ball of wax. Haha. See what I did there? Sure you did, you guys are smart. I digress. I don't... I don't know how to melt. I mean I've got a vague picture of what that looks like but... I'm me. I mean, didn't I just make massive breakthroughs in being me and just me and not what anyone wanted me to be or thought I ought to be? And now... now I'm supposed to melt into someone else. Melting is where the boundaries between you and I become very blurry in the 'we' part. Two parts become one and then they get stirred around until they're not two things anymore but just the one.

Except... much like crashing, my initial reaction is "Hell to the no." That seems dangerous. Just like crashing. Crashing was dangerous. It was also one of the best things that ever happened to me and changed my heart so quickly and so radically, that I know God was directly behind it. Melting... melting into someone who believes in me... more than I do. Who will, is all things not fashion related, make sure that I don't disappear. The person who excites me and steadies me all at the same time. 

Melting is messy. I... I don't think I've ever melted before. I think... I think I've already started to melt. I know I've never woken up at 7:30am every morning for two weeks and been grinning every time before now. That has to mean something. He steals my sleep and I don't even mind. To be completely honest, I like it. I love it. I love him. 

Melt. Melt. Melt. That seems very dangerous. Crashing can hurt. But melting... melting is an entirely different level of trust. Crashing means you can break my heart. Melting means that if you leave, you'll take my heart with you. Melting is exactly what I've been avoiding for so long. But... I'm not afraid anymore. 

When he answers the phone at midnight and listens to your crazy irrational fears and waits until you're calm enough to sleep before saying goodnight, even though he has to be up at 4:30am... its worth the risk. When he sits down and forces you, via Skype, to get out of your funk because he won't just stand there and let you drown all alone... its worth the risk. Yes. Yes, my Anthem is worth it.

The thing that keeps tripping me up is simply that to melt, you have to be still. I'm not good at being still. I'm not good at gifts. And here I have an amazing gift, my Anthem, and need to be still and trust. Because I can't even figure out a way to get him here, to me, let alone how to melt. I've got to just let go and let God. Ugh. I really suck at that. But. Just like I tell... a friend who I'm not going to make up a name for... we can't control a week from now. We can't control tomorrow. One moment at a time is all we have. And this moment, I'm letting go and trusting. And enjoying the life, the man, and the friends He has given me without ruining them with stress and worry.