Day Two Hundred and Eight Six - Worse Than Lag

I understand, as I never have before, the term 'pounding the pavement'. It does feel, quite literally, as if you're repeatedly smacking your head into concrete. And you have nothing to show for it. Except a massive headache.

I've been all over the place lately. Changing plans on a minute by minute basis. Because nothing is solid. Absolutely nothing. As soon as I can find a job, everything else will line up. But that isn't nearly as easy as it sounds. I'm an awesome employee with a stellar resume (that doesn't lie at all) and even better references. I will nail any interview. And I'm struggling to find anything that will pay the bills.

Everything about today was frustrating. The job interview was frustrating (not sure I want to be an insurance agent - can't I just work at your front desk?). Apartment shopping was frustrating - did you know you have to fill out an application just to be able to be shown a house that is apparently owned by a slum lord? I got nothing accomplished other than knowing where I don't want to live.

I am a GREAT employee, but can't get hired because the jobs I want are already filled by people who aren't half as good as I am and do just enough to not get fired.

I'm a FANTASTIC tenant but have to jump through half a million hoops because so much of the population of this forsaken city are either on section 8 or turn everywhere they live into a crack house. I know. I happen to live next to one.

I'm so frustrated I want to cry (that's what I do when I get frustrated, I cry. Imagine how fun break ups are for me.) but I'm not even close to giving up. I am fighting tooth and nail for this future I dream of and dammit I will not take no for an answer.

Day Two Hundred and Eighty Five - Do You Trust?

Let's say that everything you ever wanted is anywhere but here. And I'm not saying I'm staying, dear Lord, please God, no. But let's say, let's say I went with wisdom and my checkbook and stayed here for a year longer. Moved in with a friend, new part of town, new job, but stayed. 

It would ruin three of my biggest reasons for leaving. 

1) To escape the ghosts on the corners.

2) To explore a new town and find life in it.

3) To find a church with people that are a real community, not a social club. 

But could I still rejoice? Could I still trust that God was behind this? That God was working for my good as I sought His will? Maybe... maybe the problem with this town isn't this town. Maybe it's me. Maybe, with a little help, I could find a town I never thought existed. Maybe, with a little help, I could find the community that has eluded me for so long. Maybe, with a little humility, I can get over myself enough to give it all a chance. 

At least for a while. I still want to move, and get away from here. But a year of saving up doesn't sound like a terrible idea either. Especially considering in another year I'll have paid off 2 of my 3 student loans. It's just a thought. A thought because I have an interview tomorrow and ironically, it's in the town I live in. A thought because thinking through every scenario is what I do. Obsessively. 

And no matter what happens, or where I move, or where I stay, or what I do - I will trust. I will trust that He is with me, I will trust that He knows whats best, and I will trust that I am doing the absolute best I can to follow Him and that He will honor that. And I will trust that He is working for my good. Sometimes, our definitions of good are different. But His is always best. 

Day Two Hundred and Eighty Four - Seed

You ever feel like life is closing in on you? Like everything you ever wanted is just on the other side of that wall, but you can't go over it or around it, it just keeps closing in on you? It's dark. But it's hot, not cold. Because you've had enough. Screw the wall. Who does it think it is? You're more than the damn wall. You are unstoppable. And you can do everything you ever thought you could. And you're tired of being afraid. And you're tired of being bullied by the ever shrinking wall. And so you're angry enough to punch the damn wall. And you're going to. It doesn't matter how much it hurts. You are too big for it, and it will give way before you. Even if it means a few broken bones on the way. 

Congratulations, you're a seed. Well. I am at least. I have to fight for it, it's never going to just come to me. I have to go get it. And I have to break through my fears, through everything everyone has told me (potential and failures together), the vision in my head of where I thought I would be by now, all of it. None of it matters anymore. All that matters is that I'm alive and am reaching, running, fighting for what I want. 

And when I poke my head out of this ground where I've been hibernating my winter away in, and see the sun, and breathe the air - every bruise, every wound, every fight, will have been completely and totally worth it. 

And now, now I'm gearing up for the biggest fight me and the wall have ever had. The fight in which I'm going to kick its ass. I'm not only going to get what I need (a brand new, shiny, big girl job that pays all of my bills and then some) but I'm going to get what I want too.

And I want a lot. I want change and movement. I want a place of my own, I want to know I can do this on my own, I want a big bed and larger life. I want a real church community. I want new places to explore, new restaurants to find, new coffee shops to be loyal to. I want to make so many things. And nothing, nothing is going to stop me. 

Don't let anything stop you either. 

Day Two Hundred and Eighty Three - Insta Love

Once Upon A Time... but no.

Life isn't a fairy tale, though it has it's moments. 

Today, I'm curious about something. What if... what if love at first sight (which I have always thought was absolutely ridiculous) exists? Except, it's not love at first sight. Or second. Or third. Or fourth. But it is sudden. A face that's rather familiar, though distant, suddenly becomes everything. Your heart skips a beat. A tear fills your eye, but you blink it away because it makes no sense. A dead heart comes back to life in the single blink of an eye. And it's overwhelming. It's been so long. And it's pointless, because while in that moment everything changed for you, nothing changed for anyone else. Your heart is beating again, but it's still beating... alone. No one is falling for it, even though it is falling again. And you want to cling so hard to the hope that perhaps all the falling isn't for naught, that perhaps your heart won't slowly die again. But the waiting, the waiting is killing you. 

Waiting for true love, that is. There is all sorts of imitations just waiting for me to get desperate enough. Like the guy in the boiler room who wants to do dirty, dirty things to me for just one night. Like the ex I have that I could have stayed with if only I hadn't demanded that we actually communicate. 

So why? Why does my heart do this? Why 'insta love' someone that there is no chance with? No, really. Most guys I can charm my way into their thoughts, and often times their hearts, within a few weeks. This guy... he couldn't care less. There is no charming my way in with this one. I've tried. A few times. Then I gave up and tried just being friends. Nothing. And I don't blame him. Now is a terrible, terrible time to fall for me. Well. Anytime is. Because I'm not a casual girl. I tried that. To be casual. But I want love and forever. And hey, I know it's not for everyone. And I'm not saying lets get engaged on the third date. But I don't date people I can't see a future with. See? Falling for me is a terrible idea. 

My rambling aside, the point remains. Why now? I've never insta loved before. Ever. I've been infatuated plenty of times. I know exactly what that feels like. But insta love is something entirely new to me. I've instant Christian loved people before. Usually girls, but the occasional guy who just needed someone to listen. Those relationships were usually incredibly short and for a very specific purpose. Not like this. Never like this. 

This is one of those rare times I'm asking for your thoughts. If you have any. Has this ever happened to you? What happened? Do you believe insta love, even if it's not love at first sight? I'm still not sure I do. Any love without a happy ending isn't a love worth believing in. And right now the outlook is fairly miserable. And I still don't feel 100% right now, still fighting something off. So I'm sitting on my couch, watching sappy love movies. Wallowing. Because for the next 4 weeks I won't have time to wallow. I have to plan, apply, and pack. And move. And then fall in love with my new town, my new apartment, my new job, and my favorite season. 

I'm gonna go cry now. Because insta love sucks just as much as the old fashioned try-not-to-fall-but-slowly-do-until-you-were-head-over-heels kind. 

Day Two Hundred and Eighty Two - Prayer

Prayer is a weird thing for me. It's been... less than successful in the past. But I realize that I say that still in the journey and I know I'll never know the real outcomes in this life. I'm okay with that. But lately prayer, or the need for it, has been pressing on me. The other day, I was praying and I suddenly needed to be on my knees. It was like I was suddenly 10x heavier, and yet the weight was lifted and a calm settled over me as soon as I knelt. Except I was in a place where kneeling wasn't exactly possible for more than stolen moments. 

And now, a similar heaviness is upon me. The deep, deep need for prayer. Because my heart saw something impossible through my eyes today. And while it makes me feel even more crazy than usual, I don't care so long as I get to praying about it. And I need to. The only reason I'm writing this is because I'm... mildly OCD about my prayer time and if I'm going to actually sit down and pray then I have to do it somewhere clean and my room is a mess. So I figured I'd write about it first. Because... yea. 

I need to write about prayer more often. Maybe I'll get a better grasp on it. Right now, despite having read some very good books on the subject. I'm just lost. I'm gonna go talk to my Daddy about it. He knows more than I do. 

Day Two Hundred and Eighty One - Celebrate The Day

You know what the OSM said to me today? He "We had bacon in three courses, that's a celebration." And he's right. He's so completely and totally right. There were SO many reasons to celebrate today. Let me list them for you.

1) Today was the first official Husker game of the season. This alone is, for me, a holiday.
2) I got to spend the day with friends and family (and facebooking the football fans that weren't near).
3) I figured out how to make chili exactly how I like it.
4) After waiting for 2 years, I finally got a stolen sweatshirt from the OSM. Worth the wait.
5) The Huskers WON with a 29pt spread.
6) And we did have bacon in EVERYTHING. It was in the chili, it was on the burgers, it was in dessert.

Today alone had 6 different reasons for celebration. Each day has at least one. Well, let's be real, most days do. Sometimes you have to look pretty hard for it, but most of the time there is one. And that's the real point. Each day will offer you something wonderful, but its completely up to you as to whether you grasp it or not. Each day is full of good and bad, but will the good or the bad get your attention?

I'm more determined than ever to focus on the good. And not only because it's almost Autumn and thusly every day starts out practically perfect. But because whether the day is good or bad is entirely up to you and what you choose to focus on. Granted, there are things that you have no control over that suck and there is nothing you can do about it. Illness, death, flood or fire, etc. The big things. But most of us don't deal with those big things very often. Most of the stuff we deal with is that biatch with the attitude in the cubicle next to yours that smells like cabbage and has an annoying laugh. Focus instead on the good things in your day, and suddenly the bad things will get so small you'll wonder how they ever affected you at all.

Celebrate each day. You're alive. You're changing. And life is good. You deserve a celebration each day. And so does the world you live in.

Day Two Hundred and Eighty - Rest, Relax, Recharge

I know this guy... who confuses 'blowing off steam' and 'relaxing'. They are NOT the same activity. If you think they are, chances are you're exhausted every Monday morning. Blowing off steam is something that has to happen before you can relax. But if you simply blow off steam, and try to transition that into thinking that relaxing is the same as partying... yea. Exhausted. All The time.

Blowing off steam is important. It is. But so is relaxing. Resting. And recharging. See, it's different for everyone. Just because the movies tell us that you need to blow off steam by going out with friends and having a crazy night doesn't make it true. I can blow off steam by going on a jog, or a drive, or just talking to someone. Granted, going out with friends does work too, but since I don't drink anymore, it's less appealing. For me, resting and recharging comes from being productive. My Mondays are so much easier if instead of staying up late to rebel against my alarm clock and sleep til noon on Saturday and Sunday, I catch up on my sleep and wake up relatively early. My Mondays are better when my dishes are done and my laundry is clean and put away. My Mondays are better when I completed some project and my house is brighter. That's how I relax and recharge.

My question to you: do you know how you relax and recharge? Or are you doing what you think is supposed to relax you? Doing dishes doesn't relax everyone, but it does relax me. Writing doesn't help everyone blow off steam but it does help me. Having clean sheets doesn't set everyone up for the week but it does me. And when I accepted what does rest me and recharge me, like going to bed when I'm tired even though 2 hours on Zelda sounds pretty nice, life got a whole lot easier.

Make your life easier. Do what YOU need to do to blow off steam, to rest, to relax, and then recharge. No matter how silly or stupid it seems, do what you need to do for you. Or the rest of your life might be through bleary eyes and weary limbs. And really. That's no way to live.