Day Seventy Four - Pressure vs. Stress

I suffer from panic attacks. I have a prescription but almost never take it unless I absolutely have to because I loathe it. It's effective, but ultimately leaves me like a zombie, because it's a numbing agent. When I take my meds (only to be taken to prevent panic attacks) I can't feel anything for the next 8 hours. Neither stress nor excitement. I use so little of the stuff I go through a bottle of 30 pills about once a year. So I usually try to fight through them. (And no, I can't just avoid stressful situations because not all stress triggers them. In fact, most times, God only knows what triggers them.) And with the smaller ones, I succeed in beating them without medication. But every once in a while I get SLAMMED by one, and when those babies show up, if I don't take my pills it will take me almost a day to fully recover. Today I got one of those, and didn't have my meds. I've been stubborn and refused to get them refilled. So I had to suffer through the whole damn thing. It sucks. There are no words for how much it sucks. It's not always a normal 'anxiety' attack either, they don't always feel like heart attacks like they do in most of the movies and literature. I was standing in the kitchen (making delicious pre-game food) when all of the sudden my ears were full, I got tunnel vision, and I had to sit down before I fainted outright. Ten seconds later I was bent over the toilet throwing up a rather delicious brunch. Sometimes my muscles begin to lock up, sometimes my breathing gets really shallow. Most times my body starts to not regulate its own heat very well and so I start to get chills followed immediately by fevers and back again. My stomach hurts and twists, my breathing becomes shallow and rapid, my teeth and hands begin to shake. The headache starts slow but lasts forever. It SUCKS. 

And what's worse, it is a bodily reaction ONLY. My body is in agony, it hurts to move and breathe and I can't stop shaking, but that is not reflective of my mood. My mood is very much at peace, for all is well. I prayed at the beginning of my attack, and have been awash with happiness, calm, joy, and sheer contentment. But I couldn't even accurately reflect my playful mood in my humor, as my voice would not stop shaking, nor could I give any real emphasis to my words. I am mostly a quiet monotone at the moment. I admit, my mental capacity is mildly reduced by it, making it hard to focus and think (sorry about the rambling in this blog, this thing isn't over). I may be at the mercy of my body right now, but my soul is not. My soul is as content as if the Pats had won and there was snow outside. Because the flesh doesn't have control when all is well, so it doesn't have control when all is not. I digress.

The point of this blog is simple: most people assume that because I suffer from panic attacks, that I cannot handle any 'stressful' situations. But they neglect to understand the difference between pressure and stress, and so fear to put me under strict deadlines, or worry about giving me too many responsibilities. But I don't have any issues with pressure. Out of pressure I create diamonds. I can work under pressure the same way any other person can, I may even be better than most with it. I can and will accomplish everything I set my mind to, and meet every deadline placed in front of me. 

But stress, to me, is the opposite of pressure. Pressure bears down on me, focusing and pushing me. Stress pulls me in multiple directions. Pressure means I have a limited time to do something. Stress means I don't know what to do. And that's when I have a greater tendency to come undone. 

Even that isn't as clear a distinction as I'd like, as it tends to imply I'm not great at problem solving, when I am. There is a reason I really loved algebra as a kid. I like puzzles. I enjoy the act of 'mulling'. I enjoy research. I enjoy scenarios and options. But I can't find a better description than that at the moment.

Yes, I have some limitations. I have a small pill that I need to take once every few weeks. I handle stress differently than most people, and sometimes need a little help, or a few more hours than most people. But dammit I can handle anything life throws at me. Don't think otherwise for a single second.