Day 456 - The Best Part

Update on the pregnancy: I'm on medication to keep food down as it was getting to a dangerous level of losing my meals. Which is great. I can keep food down, and feel much better most nights.

But today's post only has a small amount to do with pregnancy and a large amount to do with marriage. I know I'm still a newly wed, but I think we have our own brand of wisdom. Maybe not compared to those who have 10-60 years under their belt, but learning is learning and I wish I had known some things when I was single.

I thought I knew what I was 'waiting' for. I didn't. It's so much better. For example:

1) Every date night ends with you going home with your hottie. Every. Single. One.

2) Because of #1 - date nights usually don't end until you actually fall asleep, in bed, in whatever it is you wear to bed, wrapped around a hottie.

3) He doesn't mind when you get knocked up with his kid. In fact, he's over the moon about it. Because he always wanted kids with you. It's why he waited until your wedding night to make love to you. Because he respected you, even then, as the mother of his children.

4) Every day is an adventure. Today I came home and my husband was composing. It was awesome. Some days we do just lie in bed for the evening but that's just because I'm pregnant, exhausted, and often nauseated. But even our errand days are amazing because we spend them together.

5) You get out of yourself. I get tired of my own voice in my head. Anthem brings me clarity in ways I yearned after for years. He helps me cut through the nonsense, not by focusing on it or me, but by drawing my focus away from myself.

6) You get out of yourself. I really cannot stress that enough. It's glorious.

7) It's 10x easier to try new things when the greatest person you've ever known is holding your hand and doing it with you.

8) Love isn't always unrequited. There's a lot more... tempestuous and heady emotion during the highs and lows of crushes and infatuations and unrequited love and all it's drama. But when the person smashing himself against you loves you as deeply as you love him... well it's like breathing deeply for the first time of your favorite scent.

9) There is something deeply satisfying about being known intimately. There are things about me, and I'm not even talking about intimate things, that only Anthem knows. Because only Anthem bothered to find them out.

10) Stretching yourself feels good. Stretching yourself frees you. The more you do it, the easier it is. The first time Anthem wanted me to watch an anime series with him, I honestly thought, "Oh great. A guy who watches cartoons in his mid twenties. Awesome." Note: if that isn't dripping with sarcasm, you're reading it wrong. However, knowing how intelligent he was, I chose to grudgingly give it a try. And I fell in love. It's my favorite anime series to this day. The Last Airbender in case you were curious. Seriously. Not the movie, that was awful. The cartoon. So good. Anyway. I discovered that anime is a fantastic medium to express depth of emotion and creativity. (For depth of emotion try Full Metal Alchemist. That is heavy and makes you want to cry.) For creativity, Howl's Moving Castle. Beautiful. It's not about being a twenty something that still watches cartoons. It's about being wise enough to embrace all art forms, even those that are judged as childish.

There's a lot more. But that's all I have the energy for tonight. Ladies... don't chase the emotions. Men... don't chase drama queens. Steady love is just as exciting, I promise.

Day 455 - The Pregnancy Diaries

By the time you're reading this, I'll have written it about three months ago. The first trimester is something that Anthem and I are keeping for close family and friends. But I want to document it, for me. For us. For our child. So I'm just writing down all the things that have happened the last week and a half.

Sept 13: Anthem and I find out we're pregnant. And I take 3 tests just to make sure. 

Sept 14-15: We tell our family and listen to many women scream in gleeful excitement. It's incredibly encouraging, and very emotionally draining. 

Sept 16: I get hired at my new job, and have a doctor's appointment to confirm pregnancy. 

Sept 17: Morning sickness and extreme fatigue kick in. 

Sept 22: The couple we asked to be our child's godparents accepted. 

So we're at September 24th right now, and I love the baby growing inside me. I love learning about it, and planning with Anthem. I love that Anthem talks to the baby already. I love that Anthem is so incredibly kind, considerate, and helpful.

I hate pregnancy. I loathe everything about it. I hate being sick all the time. I hate dry heaving in the morning because there is nothing in my stomach to throw up. I hate feeling like I'm going to lose what little I was able to eat whenever I get tired, and I am tired all the time. I hate being tired all the time and asking James to do every single thing around the house because I just can't get up. I hate going to bed at 8pm every night because I'm exhausted. I hate that my boobs are so sensitive, they hurt if the wind blows them wrong. I hate the headaches. I hate the constant emotions that make me want to cry. 

Like when our dear friends agreed to be the godparents of our new child. I about burst into tears. Or when I couldn't keep dinner down and burst into tears. Or when Anthem texts me to tell our baby that he loves it and I burst into tears because knowing Anthem is going to be the greatest father I could possibly imagine and nothing moves me more than knowing that my children will be so loved and cared for by their father. By my husband. Whose life has already changed due to their tiny little appearance. 

I mean good tears. But lots of them.

The bottom line is that it's nothing like what I expected. I love Haven, but I'm not crazy about what that little one is doing to my body, my hormones, or my energy levels. Puking up dinner doesn't make the miracle of life any less miraculous. It just makes it a bit more... human.

Let me finish with this statement: I'm never whining about periods ever again.