I'm not good at fasting. For the longest time, I didn't understand fasting. Even now, just barely. On Sunday night, Anthem came to me, rather grumpily, and said, rather quietly, "I think I need to talk to you about something but I really don't want to."
I blinked. "Say what?"
He took a deep breath and slowed down, but still looked incredibly reluctant. "I think I need to talk to you about something but I really don't want to." He sighed. "I think we should fast from all visual entertainment for a week."
I nodded, "I think you're right."
"Dang it."
And so we started. And I've been loving it. We've talked more, spent more quality time together, and gotten more done than I anticipated. It's been good. We've even been sleeping better. I had anticipated most of these results.
The one I didn't anticipate was this growing thirst. Not one water can quench. But a thirst for coolness, quietness, and deep prayer. A thirst for silence. I'm starting to think that when something is always going on in front of my eyes, there is no room to thirst for something that is missing.
I always heard that fasting, especially food, is about reminding us what is of true importance, and mastering the flesh. I've never been a huge fan of fasting from food, but then again I'm not exactly healthy enough to pull it off either. But maybe... I was missing the point. Maybe the point is taking things away to be able to hear yourself, and God.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Day 442 - Changing Your Mind
As we're all aware, I have a tendency to be ridiculously stubborn. I'm starting to understand that a little bit more, because it seems that's honestly how my brain works. Not that it's an excuse, it's not. It's just that my brain gets in these ruts and it takes quite a bit of time to break it out.
Example number one: I'm not a virgin anymore. We're all aware of that too. Married about 3 months ago, I'm happily deflowered. But my brain is just now starting to let that sink in. Not even kidding. Being a virgin was so deeply rooted as part of who I was - part of how I defined myself - that changing that took months. A month after I'd been married, had someone asked me if I was a virgin my first instinct would have been to say yes, regardless of the obviousness of the 'no' answer. It took time for my brain to rewire itself and redefine itself. Granted, virginity is a crappy way to define yourself period, but a 24 year old virgin is a unicorn these days and it's hard not to feel like it's a big deal, even if you're just terrified of STD's and those clingy hormones (which are totally real).
Example number two: Being pregnant is totally okay. Let me clarify just how much single culture is terrified of pregnancy. Especially single Christian culture. Being pregnant as a single woman who identifies as a Christian is such a big NEVER, EVER, BECAUSE IF YOU DO, YOUR LIFE IS OVER AND YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO NOT HAVE 'WHORE' COUGHED AT YOU AFTER THREE YEARS OF BEING VERY, VERY ASHAMED OF YOURSELF that I, a virgin, had it rooted deeply in my subconscious that getting pregnant is terrible, should be avoided at all costs, and that it would ruin everything. After three months of being married to a devoted, kind, loving, child wanting man, I have discovered that being pregnant would be awesome! Kids! Our kids! Our beloved, hell raising, kids! That sounds fucking fantastic. (Not kidding about the fucking part, you do know how babies are made right? See how I'm working the virgin thing in here too? Ha. I'm clever. And vulgar. It happens.) Seriously. Took me THREE MONTHS to stop worrying whether or not I was getting pregnant by having sex with my husband.
I was going to write this post about how changing the way your brain works takes time, but after really thinking about it, it just makes me really ashamed of Christian culture. Virginity shouldn't define anyone. In this culture, women especially are pressured into sex before they have any real concept of its consequences. I'm far more concerned about where someone's life is headed, where their heart is, where they are in their faith walk, than if they have had sex at some point in time in their life or not. I mean honestly. Especially considering the double standard for young Christian men and women. If a man isn't a virgin, 'Well, it happens.' If a woman isn't, she's a whore. Who do you think the young Christian men are having sex with, hmmm? Let me tell you, the world isn't full of Mrs. Robinson's.
And the deep rooted fear of pregnancy is born out of this same twisted fear of not being 'pure'. Jesus made us pure, without Him, virgin or not, we're all disgusting. And pregnancy is undeniable proof that you're not a virgin. No matter how many times you swear you got pregnant in the pool.
So... don't buy into all of it. Yes. I do believe that virginity is the way to go if you can choose that. But not being one isn't the end of the world, either. And it doesn't make anyone more or less pure. Purity is a heart thing, not a vagina thing.
Neither virginity nor pregnancy is something to define you. Motherhood might be. But being a Child of the Most High is. Period.
Example number one: I'm not a virgin anymore. We're all aware of that too. Married about 3 months ago, I'm happily deflowered. But my brain is just now starting to let that sink in. Not even kidding. Being a virgin was so deeply rooted as part of who I was - part of how I defined myself - that changing that took months. A month after I'd been married, had someone asked me if I was a virgin my first instinct would have been to say yes, regardless of the obviousness of the 'no' answer. It took time for my brain to rewire itself and redefine itself. Granted, virginity is a crappy way to define yourself period, but a 24 year old virgin is a unicorn these days and it's hard not to feel like it's a big deal, even if you're just terrified of STD's and those clingy hormones (which are totally real).
Example number two: Being pregnant is totally okay. Let me clarify just how much single culture is terrified of pregnancy. Especially single Christian culture. Being pregnant as a single woman who identifies as a Christian is such a big NEVER, EVER, BECAUSE IF YOU DO, YOUR LIFE IS OVER AND YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO NOT HAVE 'WHORE' COUGHED AT YOU AFTER THREE YEARS OF BEING VERY, VERY ASHAMED OF YOURSELF that I, a virgin, had it rooted deeply in my subconscious that getting pregnant is terrible, should be avoided at all costs, and that it would ruin everything. After three months of being married to a devoted, kind, loving, child wanting man, I have discovered that being pregnant would be awesome! Kids! Our kids! Our beloved, hell raising, kids! That sounds fucking fantastic. (Not kidding about the fucking part, you do know how babies are made right? See how I'm working the virgin thing in here too? Ha. I'm clever. And vulgar. It happens.) Seriously. Took me THREE MONTHS to stop worrying whether or not I was getting pregnant by having sex with my husband.
I was going to write this post about how changing the way your brain works takes time, but after really thinking about it, it just makes me really ashamed of Christian culture. Virginity shouldn't define anyone. In this culture, women especially are pressured into sex before they have any real concept of its consequences. I'm far more concerned about where someone's life is headed, where their heart is, where they are in their faith walk, than if they have had sex at some point in time in their life or not. I mean honestly. Especially considering the double standard for young Christian men and women. If a man isn't a virgin, 'Well, it happens.' If a woman isn't, she's a whore. Who do you think the young Christian men are having sex with, hmmm? Let me tell you, the world isn't full of Mrs. Robinson's.
And the deep rooted fear of pregnancy is born out of this same twisted fear of not being 'pure'. Jesus made us pure, without Him, virgin or not, we're all disgusting. And pregnancy is undeniable proof that you're not a virgin. No matter how many times you swear you got pregnant in the pool.
So... don't buy into all of it. Yes. I do believe that virginity is the way to go if you can choose that. But not being one isn't the end of the world, either. And it doesn't make anyone more or less pure. Purity is a heart thing, not a vagina thing.
Neither virginity nor pregnancy is something to define you. Motherhood might be. But being a Child of the Most High is. Period.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Day 441 - The Best Answer
A few nights ago, Anthem had band practice. He had been exhausted all day (working 8 hours in a day before noon will do that to you) but all that he had requested all day was that there was something to eat when he got home from practice. He would have been happy if I had told him we had milk and cereal. Blessed man. Instead, I made him crab and yellow squash pasta with a basil garlic butter sauce. Okay, so I say it like that so it'll sound fancy. It's not hard. It was fake crab (there have been some great sales lately, and I really enjoy the taste) with some butter and old bay seasoning. It was sauteed yellow squash with some salt and a garlic herb seasoning, and a butter sauce with dried basil, a little onion powder, and some garlic. It's really, really not hard.
As we sat down to eat a late dinner, I had a question for him. "Does it ever bother you that you never know what we're going to eat? This afternoon I didn't think to ask you, I just made potatoes and pork chops."
He looked at me like I was a little crazy. "It doesn't bother me at all to always have delicious meals placed in front of me. This pasta? This is fantastic love, thank you." And he emptied the plate. At the end he said, "I want more. No, that's not true. I wish my stomach was bigger so I could eat more because that was so delicious."
Best answer he could have given. I would not have minded if he had said, "You know, I'd really appreciate a little more x, y, and z in our diet." In fact, I would have gladly jumped on it. Instead, he told me how much he appreciated having me cook him food when we got hungry.
The next day, he took it one step further. We were out running errands and chatting in the car, and he told me once again how much he appreciated all that I do. He doesn't have to worry about money. Every bill is pain in full, on time. Every meal is delicious. (That's not true, but I appreciated the thought.) The house is clean and kept. And I plan for our future as much as possible. He said it's a huge weight off his mind to just not have to worry about any of that stuff.
And I appreciate, so much, how hard he works to provide for us as I'm still looking for work. (Looking like I found something though, details later!) And so I make sure that every penny is used wisely. It means the world to me when he tells me how much he appreciates me. I should really tell him how true it is, how much I appreciate him, more often.
His humility and appreciation are more than I could have asked for. And because of them, I know we're going to be good for a very long time.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Day 440 - I Highly Recommend It
I was on facebook today and was added as a friend by an old friend. He inquired as to why we weren't friends on facebook, and I informed him it was because of his frequent neglect of facebook for months or years at a time. He then asked me how married life was treating me, and I responded that it was excellent and I highly recommend it. And I do. Especially for him.
Because marriage (can be, depending on who is doing the marrying) is very useful for getting outside of yourself. And getting over yourself. I've noticed that I don't post as much 'insightful' posts on here, and it's not because of lack of time. It's because I don't analyze my life so darn much. Which is great for you, because this blog is going to keep going until we hit 1,000 darn it, which is looking like it's going to take a number of years at this point. Which will be really, really fun to look back on later for me. And hey, if you stick around that long, I'll throw us all a party. Though only if you all start commenting on stuff. It's not a friggen diary.
Anyway. Marriage really takes you out of yourself. I'm assuming parenthood does it even more. And of course, you have to be willing. There will always be people who will not change in a marriage, and will be the poorer for it. There will always be selfish spouses, selfish parents. I am thankful I am not married to a selfish spouse, and strive not to be one.
Just... understand that marriage is not for when you 'get your shit together'. Let me tell you how much Anthem and I did not have our shit together when we got married and still don't. It's called life, and right about the time you get it figured out, you die. So stop. Just stop. I'm not telling all those young teens out there to get married either. That's also a bad idea.
It's different for everyone, and you have to follow your heart and your gut and your soul and a little bit your brain. I don't care what society says - marriage is awesome. And it has undeniably made me a better person, and is undeniably making me a better person. Not just a better wife, but a better woman.
So... this whole marriage thing - I highly recommend it.
Because marriage (can be, depending on who is doing the marrying) is very useful for getting outside of yourself. And getting over yourself. I've noticed that I don't post as much 'insightful' posts on here, and it's not because of lack of time. It's because I don't analyze my life so darn much. Which is great for you, because this blog is going to keep going until we hit 1,000 darn it, which is looking like it's going to take a number of years at this point. Which will be really, really fun to look back on later for me. And hey, if you stick around that long, I'll throw us all a party. Though only if you all start commenting on stuff. It's not a friggen diary.
Anyway. Marriage really takes you out of yourself. I'm assuming parenthood does it even more. And of course, you have to be willing. There will always be people who will not change in a marriage, and will be the poorer for it. There will always be selfish spouses, selfish parents. I am thankful I am not married to a selfish spouse, and strive not to be one.
Just... understand that marriage is not for when you 'get your shit together'. Let me tell you how much Anthem and I did not have our shit together when we got married and still don't. It's called life, and right about the time you get it figured out, you die. So stop. Just stop. I'm not telling all those young teens out there to get married either. That's also a bad idea.
It's different for everyone, and you have to follow your heart and your gut and your soul and a little bit your brain. I don't care what society says - marriage is awesome. And it has undeniably made me a better person, and is undeniably making me a better person. Not just a better wife, but a better woman.
So... this whole marriage thing - I highly recommend it.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Day 439 - To Live Fully
I've been incredibly convicted lately. My lifestyle is indulgent, selfish, uncaring, lacking compassion, passionless, and frankly unhealthy. And there is nothing I can do about it by thinking about it, or by changing my heart to get results, or anything else that is not doing. I know I've said it before, but I am not ashamed of this. I am grateful that God has not given up on me.
I am incapable of change. I will always drift toward the indulgent. I can try and make rigid rules, but when in crisis I will indulge. I will feel trapped, and no real change will occur. I've tried that. Unsuccessfully. For a couple of years now. Marrying Anthem didn't change who I was... and I didn't consciously know that I thought it would. But being Anthem's wife does make it easier to change, because he encourages me to be happy, healthy, selfless, and active. And as I've let it sink in, and slowly become really ready to let God change me from the outside in - yes, you heard that right - changing how I feel, what I value, where my thoughts are, where my heart is, by doing what I know is right, what is good, what is healthy, what is loving, what is selfless, regardless of what I feel like doing at the time. Last night, I set my mind toward it.
And then last night, I didn't sleep for crap. Not having Anthem next to me at night... is awful. So I woke up a little late, and pretty groggy. But I wasn't going to let it stop me. I drank a whole bunch of water (which is more difficult in the early morning than you'd think, btw) and started with some stretches. Took my multivitamin, made some tea, and started breakfast. I was feeling good, though a little stiff. And then a wave of unpleasantness started. Extreme nausea, sharp headache, severe body aches. I'm a total wimp when it comes to feeling sick. I know my body and all of the ways in which it is deficient, and none of these symptoms felt like normal. Something inside of me told me that something else was going on. It had nothing to do with the tea, the water, the multivitamin, or the breakfast. Because when I prayed, everything went to a manageable level. Not gone, but manageable.
And while I've been writing this, God has revealed to me why - because He is using my weakness to strengthen my (pretty much nonexistent) self control. Because I resolved to all of this regardless of how I'm feeling. And that needs to start now, or I will always find an excuse not to do something because of how I feel - whether its emotional or physical. I still need to do it. God and I are both tired of my bullshit. And these minor aches and pains aren't going to stop me.
Living fully looks different for everyone. What I am called to do probably isn't what you are called to do. And as previously discussed, I often feel silly about what God is calling me to do. But its my task, and He loves me, and I'm going to do it, regardless of how silly I feel.
I am incapable of change. I will always drift toward the indulgent. I can try and make rigid rules, but when in crisis I will indulge. I will feel trapped, and no real change will occur. I've tried that. Unsuccessfully. For a couple of years now. Marrying Anthem didn't change who I was... and I didn't consciously know that I thought it would. But being Anthem's wife does make it easier to change, because he encourages me to be happy, healthy, selfless, and active. And as I've let it sink in, and slowly become really ready to let God change me from the outside in - yes, you heard that right - changing how I feel, what I value, where my thoughts are, where my heart is, by doing what I know is right, what is good, what is healthy, what is loving, what is selfless, regardless of what I feel like doing at the time. Last night, I set my mind toward it.
And then last night, I didn't sleep for crap. Not having Anthem next to me at night... is awful. So I woke up a little late, and pretty groggy. But I wasn't going to let it stop me. I drank a whole bunch of water (which is more difficult in the early morning than you'd think, btw) and started with some stretches. Took my multivitamin, made some tea, and started breakfast. I was feeling good, though a little stiff. And then a wave of unpleasantness started. Extreme nausea, sharp headache, severe body aches. I'm a total wimp when it comes to feeling sick. I know my body and all of the ways in which it is deficient, and none of these symptoms felt like normal. Something inside of me told me that something else was going on. It had nothing to do with the tea, the water, the multivitamin, or the breakfast. Because when I prayed, everything went to a manageable level. Not gone, but manageable.
And while I've been writing this, God has revealed to me why - because He is using my weakness to strengthen my (pretty much nonexistent) self control. Because I resolved to all of this regardless of how I'm feeling. And that needs to start now, or I will always find an excuse not to do something because of how I feel - whether its emotional or physical. I still need to do it. God and I are both tired of my bullshit. And these minor aches and pains aren't going to stop me.
Living fully looks different for everyone. What I am called to do probably isn't what you are called to do. And as previously discussed, I often feel silly about what God is calling me to do. But its my task, and He loves me, and I'm going to do it, regardless of how silly I feel.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Day 438 - Serve The Stranger
Anthem has been gone for about two days now. It sucks. I miss him like crazy. But I'm thankful for the time alone, because God has been using it to speak to my heart. Rather loudly, now that I think about it.
Truthfully, I've been being selfish. I've been acting primarily on feelings. And I've been rather completely wrapped up in the inner workings of my own mind. Which frankly has led me to be cranky, unpredictable (not the good kind), and often feeling a bit down. Which is highly unfair to Anthem.
I've repented to God, and apologized to Anthem, and felt something inside of me changing. And then tonight, as I was dwelling on it while cleaning up the kitchen and the words 'serve the stranger' started to echo in my mind. Which could not be more true. While Anthem is my husband, who I do indeed love very much, in all truth he is also very much a stranger. I like to forget that. We were having a conversation the other day, about his past, and it dawned on me all over again that this man, as amazing and wonderful as he is, is still a stranger to me.
I see now that I've tried been guilty of trying to turn us into something we're not - a married couple that has known and loved each other for years. I want to believe that his heart is full of me, that I'm his reason for living, etc. Which is sort of ridiculous. Please, do not misunderstand. Anthem loves me very much, of that I have no doubt. He is loyal, faithful, honest, kind, and hardworking. He is far more selfless than I.
What we have is a far greater opportunity than a couple who married for love. We have an opportunity to show something unique to the world - selfless serving. Anthem and I have already noticed that marriage has made us better people, better Christians. There is a freedom in marriage, a grace to it, that is unparalleled. God has truly blessed us both in it.
Truly, to serve Anthem is to be the best of me. To not be afraid. To not worry. To not be dictated by changing emotions, or by selfish sulking. To embrace each day, to be vibrantly alive. To not be so anxious. To read, to pray, to worship, to create, to be active, to love. To be open. And to be joyously accepting of my part in all this. It is not as the center of Anthem's universe, but as his very committed helper. He told me the other day that while I didn't inspire him like he knew I wished I did, I was very much his safety, and that was something he very much needed. "The commitment we have made to each other makes us more suited to each other than anyone else we might ever encounter." And he's right. Love, true love, deep love, love that lasts a lifetime, takes time. And it's been two and a half months. What is important, right now, is the commitment we made. Is the relationship we have - what we are becoming as we come together.
I love my husband, and want to be a better wife each day. And can't if I keep trying to make myself believe that this is any relationship other than ours. If I refuse to embrace the beauty of what we are, of who we are, of what we've made. So, as love keeps growing, I will continue to serve the stranger.
Truthfully, I've been being selfish. I've been acting primarily on feelings. And I've been rather completely wrapped up in the inner workings of my own mind. Which frankly has led me to be cranky, unpredictable (not the good kind), and often feeling a bit down. Which is highly unfair to Anthem.
I've repented to God, and apologized to Anthem, and felt something inside of me changing. And then tonight, as I was dwelling on it while cleaning up the kitchen and the words 'serve the stranger' started to echo in my mind. Which could not be more true. While Anthem is my husband, who I do indeed love very much, in all truth he is also very much a stranger. I like to forget that. We were having a conversation the other day, about his past, and it dawned on me all over again that this man, as amazing and wonderful as he is, is still a stranger to me.
I see now that I've tried been guilty of trying to turn us into something we're not - a married couple that has known and loved each other for years. I want to believe that his heart is full of me, that I'm his reason for living, etc. Which is sort of ridiculous. Please, do not misunderstand. Anthem loves me very much, of that I have no doubt. He is loyal, faithful, honest, kind, and hardworking. He is far more selfless than I.
What we have is a far greater opportunity than a couple who married for love. We have an opportunity to show something unique to the world - selfless serving. Anthem and I have already noticed that marriage has made us better people, better Christians. There is a freedom in marriage, a grace to it, that is unparalleled. God has truly blessed us both in it.
Truly, to serve Anthem is to be the best of me. To not be afraid. To not worry. To not be dictated by changing emotions, or by selfish sulking. To embrace each day, to be vibrantly alive. To not be so anxious. To read, to pray, to worship, to create, to be active, to love. To be open. And to be joyously accepting of my part in all this. It is not as the center of Anthem's universe, but as his very committed helper. He told me the other day that while I didn't inspire him like he knew I wished I did, I was very much his safety, and that was something he very much needed. "The commitment we have made to each other makes us more suited to each other than anyone else we might ever encounter." And he's right. Love, true love, deep love, love that lasts a lifetime, takes time. And it's been two and a half months. What is important, right now, is the commitment we made. Is the relationship we have - what we are becoming as we come together.
I love my husband, and want to be a better wife each day. And can't if I keep trying to make myself believe that this is any relationship other than ours. If I refuse to embrace the beauty of what we are, of who we are, of what we've made. So, as love keeps growing, I will continue to serve the stranger.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Day 437 - Because We're Besties
Because I respect Anthem's manhood - I do not refer to him as my bestie. That being said - he totally is. And... the best part of that is that I know he feels the same way about me. See, there is this moving job he might get - it's still a might - but it's taking this copier from Temple, TX to New Jersey. One man job. And his first thought is, "I'm totally taking my wife."
I know we're still newly weds, but we do enjoy each other's company so much that we want to take that trip together. Just a road trip - a grueling one, admittedly - but a road trip with each other. That sounds AWESOME.
I don't know how other couples do it, and honestly don't care because we do what's best for us regardless of any norms, but from the ones I've seen - sometimes they lose an appreciation for just spending time together. James has had a light few days, and we took advantage of that. And I stopped being so obsessed with being productive to just be with him. So we laid in bed for hours and hours and watched Harry Potter together. We talked through some of it, cuddled through all of it, and just let ourselves relax and be with each other.
Don't... miss out on time like that. Chances that we'll have time like this in the future is pretty infantismal as we do hope to have children someday soon. And then it won't matter whether laundry was done a day late, or if we just ate mac and cheese. What will matter is that we got to laugh with each other, lay with each other (which is incredibly emotionally bonding - not to mention incredibly comfortable) be goofy with each other, and relax with each other. What will matter is that we used the time for what was really important - us.
Sometimes... not being productive is the most productive you can be. Or something like that.
I know we're still newly weds, but we do enjoy each other's company so much that we want to take that trip together. Just a road trip - a grueling one, admittedly - but a road trip with each other. That sounds AWESOME.
I don't know how other couples do it, and honestly don't care because we do what's best for us regardless of any norms, but from the ones I've seen - sometimes they lose an appreciation for just spending time together. James has had a light few days, and we took advantage of that. And I stopped being so obsessed with being productive to just be with him. So we laid in bed for hours and hours and watched Harry Potter together. We talked through some of it, cuddled through all of it, and just let ourselves relax and be with each other.
Don't... miss out on time like that. Chances that we'll have time like this in the future is pretty infantismal as we do hope to have children someday soon. And then it won't matter whether laundry was done a day late, or if we just ate mac and cheese. What will matter is that we got to laugh with each other, lay with each other (which is incredibly emotionally bonding - not to mention incredibly comfortable) be goofy with each other, and relax with each other. What will matter is that we used the time for what was really important - us.
Sometimes... not being productive is the most productive you can be. Or something like that.
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