Day Sixty Eight - Onions in Butter

Onions in butter. I've had hour long conversations about how that is indeed the best smell in the world if you're hungry. It's savory. It's mesmerizing. It's a siren call that lets you know there is some really good food headed your way. If you know the smell, you know what I'm taking about. If you don't, go find someone who loves to cook and ask them to make you ANYTHING that starts with onions in butter. But my blog isn't about cooking. Its about sparkly marshmallows and the rabbit hole. That's right. You guessed it. Analogy.

Onions in butter is a constant in the universe. It will always smell like heaven on earth. It doesn't matter if you're having a bad day or a great one. It doesn't matter if you screwed up at work, or if your friend is mad at you, or if you feel lost in this life of constant decisions. It doesn't matter if everything is going well. Onions in butter is constantly, consistently good. Some things in life just are. 

Most of our constants in life change. Our best friends change over the years, our family shrinks and grows as time goes by. We create our own families. We move from our childhood home and start on our own. We lose our parents. But onions in butter doesn't change. and neither does the God we serve. 

But just because some constants change over time doesn't mean that we are to be rootless souls. Take the time to appreciate your constants while you have them, and don't be afraid to count on them. Onions and butter will smell good every single time I start to fry them. My family will be there for me, even when we don't get along. I can come home to my wonderful apartment, even though I know I won't live here forever. And just like onions and butter, my God is good all the time and I always have cause to praise Him. 

Day Sixty Seven - *bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

There are no words for my frustrations today other than any number of ones that could be classified by the FCC as a bleep. Pick the third nastiest one you can think of and that's probably the one I'm thinking of. (Working at a bar with certain individuals taught me that I am not nearly as corrupt as I like to think I am.) Don't get me wrong, today has had it's good moments, but most of them were some various form of awful.

I didn't get today off, I worked instead, and worked while I had a friend over, and dealt with maybe one of the most... well just add another bleep where the adjective should be... person I've dealt with... maybe ever. Having dealt with the 2am crowd every Friday and Saturday at a popular bar, that's really saying something. It took all of my control not to scream at said person but instead use thinly veiled sarcasm that, thank the Good Lord who watches out for me even in my moments of evil, she never caught. On top of that, once I started working, my OCD got triggered and I couldn't finish until I was satisfied that I had finished all that really should be done before morning, since I was working anyway, etc. Great. Until my computer decided that it really wasn't loving its internet connection and so wanted to continually sever it, only to have me do a troubleshoot, check itself, and then forget the solution and bleep itself over again. I honestly think it did this close to 50 times. The fact that my computer is inside and not laying broken in the snow in my alley is a testament to the two things I really wanted to talk about in this rage filled blog.

1) We'll call him Tex. Tex was playing the piano when I called him, rather desperate and panic-y. (For you see, without the internet, I am incapable of doing my job. Which is not good considering the mountain of e-mails that need to be sent first thing in the morning.) Tex, out of the goodness of his heart, spent the next three hours on the phone with me trying to help me fix the problem. (Which, may I add, it currently seems like he was successful!) He kept saying things to keep me calm and make me laugh, and I quote, "I want you to breathe like a little breathing panda," and then insisted on referring to me as 'my little panda' for the duration of the conversation. Tex... Tex kept me from going into a full blown panic. I was literally inches away from bursting into tears. Remember that work OCD I mentioned? Yea, not being able to do my job on a crucial day like tomorrow would literally make me burst into tears of failure. Regardless of the fact that,

2) I know I've said it a MILLION times but dammit I'm gonna say it a million more. I have the best boss ever. She didn't go into a full blown panic attack. She didn't do anything negatively. She simply said, "I'm sure we can work something out, I have most of the files I'd need if I needed to take over tomorrow morning." Seriously. BEST. BOSS. EVER.

3) So onto the happy conclusion that we all knew I was getting at: I guess, if I had to neatly gift wrap all the bleep that was today into a message it would be this: Life is going to have its really bleepy days. But its the people you surrounded yourself with during the good ones that are going to be the people you have during the bleepy ones, so choose wisely. If I didn't have Tex and my Boss Lady, there is a solid chance I'd have had a small mental snap due to stress. Instead, I take deep breaths like a little breathing panda, and go to sleep watching Mythbusters streaming on Netflix.

CAUSE I HAVE THE INTERNET AGAIN!

This blog is dedicated to Tex and all the random bleep that comes out of his mouth, only a small fraction of which is documented on Facebook. The message he literally just sent to me? "Joyous day! Joyous night! All the little breathing pandas of the world unite!" Oh Tex, I'm going to keep writing this stuff down and in a few hundred days, we'll have the *bleep that Tex says* blog.

Day Sixty Six - Do You Hear The Words Coming Out Of Your Mouth?

I'd be willing to make the declaration that 99% of all people act like nicotine addicts, myself included. Allow me to explain.

Everyone and their brother knows that smoking is downright AWFUL for you. It can kill you. But quitting is a bitch. Quitting has to be motivated by will. If you don't want to quit, you're never going to. It's that simple. But the trick, at least in my limited experience, is that you have to CLING to that will, even when it dips waaaay low. You have to remember that you wanted to quit. You can't even give a craving the smallest foothold, or it will indeed defeat you. Because otherwise any puff of any smoke starts to sound like heaven on earth and every justification in the world will enter your head and convince you that what you need is a smoke. 

Except it's not just nicotine addicts that battle that. Its most of us. Especially those of us that struggle to follow God. Christianity, from the outside, makes very little logical sense. From the inside, it's the only thing that makes any sense to me, but I realize it took me years to get to that understanding. We're all confidence and hymns on the tops of the mountains, but we all struggle with the desire to jump ship when we hit the low points. But we have to CLING to that will that chose God in the first place. Suddenly God doesn't make any sense anymore, and justifications fill our head that all we need to do is walk away. 

Today, one of my dearest friends said the words, "I don't care what God says," in the midst of her pain and anger. I don't blame her. What she is going through is an emotional shit storm. And she needs a shoulder, but part of me wanted to whisper to her, "Do you hear the words coming out of your mouth? You don't care what God says?"

What God says is the only thing in this whole world that matters. With His word He created the known universe, with His word He created life, by His word we know He is faithful to deliver, His word sustains us. What He says is all that matters. And its hardest when we're hurting, when we're down, when we're bleeding, to still trust that He knows best. But He does. It was obvious to us when everything was great. We'd have told Him, we'd have sworn that nothing could change our confidence, that He could tell us all to jump off a bridge and we would, in blind trust, for He had proven Himself faithful. Just because life gets stormy and threatens to tear you apart doesn't mean that He is no longer faithful. It just means He knows you can handle more this time around than you could before. CLING to the knowledge that He is as faithful in the shit storm as He is in the sunshine. And don't give in, not even for the slightest moment, of entertaining the thought that because your situation has changed, that your God has. 

The question is not, even in our lowest, darkest, most painful moments, whether or not our God is faithful. The question is whether or not we will be faithful to Him. He'll forgive us and take us back, even when we aren't, but think of the joy we can bring to His heart, by clinging to His light even in the darkness. That is something to cling to indeed. 

Day Sixty Five - The Author of All Things

Sometimes, I have the irritating habit of stressing out about things that truly do not need to be stressed out about. Sometimes, I worry about things that I have no control over, and thusly waste a lot of energy. Sometimes, I forget that my life was written before I took my first breath and neglect to acknowledge the author, let alone look to Him for direction. If I had the perspective that my God really is the Author of all things, not only the Creator, then I would worry and stress a heck of a lot less.

I make the distinction between Author and Creator because there is one. He didn't just Create us and take a giant step back once He had set things in motion, the way the Diests believe. He is as intimately involved as an Author writing each move a character makes. Don't take my analogy too far, I do believe in free will, but I argue that having free will in no way 'trumps' omniscience. Just because I choose it, doesn't negate the fact that He knew I was going to. And unlike a human author, the Author invites us to join Him in the story He desires for our lives. He desires growth and redemption and glory, but like any good character, it takes time and trial to truly change.

But I have given up control of my life, most of it (I'm human, I struggle) anyway, and invited Him to take over for me. In my few years on earth, I've made some terrible messes when I took control of my own life. I always take responsibility, there is no passing that off, but when I took control, I always wound up in a very deep pile of shit. It is only when I hand over control that things begin to go smoothly again.

So here is a cheer to the residents of the Rabbit Hole, to not having control. And to constantly trying to remember that we gave up control for a reason, and to take it back in stormy weather is the worst possible decision we can make. He can get us through, without Him, we will most definitely crash. To not stressing, and to mixed metaphors. To having faith that all will be well, in this life or the next, and to having the gift of wisdom, for surely I can take no credit, of being second in command. To all things that make little to no sense to those standing on the outside, and to the peace that passes understanding, through storm and calm, through victory and defeat, through life and death, that all IS well.

Day Sixty Four - Just A Thought

There is a lot I could say today. About cooking, or work, or life in general. But I only had one real sort of epiphany today. And that is: I live like royalty.

I mean really. When I want a cup of tea, it takes 2 minutes. I take a cup, I push a lever to get a flow of clean water right into my kitchen, put in the microwave to heat it quickly, and add a tea bag. No one in the history of ever has been able to make tea that quickly. When I want roast chicken, I go to my freezer, add a little spice, and put it in the oven. Poof boom voila! I have chicken. Today, I ate chicken blt wraps. A tortilla with mayo, roast chicken, bacon bits, baby spinach, and grape tomatoes. It was delicious. And until this century, IMPOSSIBLE to eat in the winter. I have fresh baby spinach in January in Iowa. Same with the grape tomatoes. Look outside. Never before could people eat like this! And I don't even think about it on a daily basis.

Or how about the fact that I am never cold unless I have to be. I live indoors, away from the elements at all times unless I choose to be out in them. NEVER BEFORE IN HISTORY has this been possible to the level that it is now. We decide what our environment will be. Royalty didn't have this luxury in all the history of humanity.

Or travel. We can go anywhere we want around the world in a matter of hours. Not days or weeks or months. HOURS. And for not an excess amount of money. This is incredible!

The life of a middle or even lower class American is better than that of royalty in all the history of the world before us. That floors me. And I thank God for it. So next time you browse the fridge for a snack I encourage you to thank God for the luxury we all enjoy each and every day.

*P.S.* Lets also be thankful for indoor plumbing. I like showers and baths, but I LOVE waste management.

Day Sixty Three - My Microcosm Needs To Settle Down

I've talked, multiple times, about how much I love being a hermit. I do. I really, really do. But lately, I feel as if I haven't been able to be one. Life has been insane, full of all sorts of ups and downs, like some roller coaster with a rebellious nature and an addiction to Red Bull. I've also had to be rather social lately and it's left me more than a little drained. My own emotions swing back and forth within me when all I want to do is take a deep breath and make a meal plan or do some data entry. I'd just... I'd like it to settle down a bit.

I love waking up with unexpected joy, and doing a happy dance when I'm able to make a decent country gravy, but really, deep down, all I want is for tomorrow and Friday and Saturday to be quiet and normal. I want to work in peace while having Anderson Cooper on in the background. I want to have my 10 o'clock tea and my fifteen minute break to read devos. I want to make my own lunch and watch something from the discovery channel. I want to send e-mails. I want to make excel files. I want to do it all in my pajamas. I have a good life, I just... would like the normalcy to enjoy it.

Even in the Rabbit Hole, sometimes we all just need a day by a bay window to do nothing but be calm. I'm only human, I can only process so much at one time and in the previous few weeks, you know there has been a lot to process. I feel like I hit my wall. My body and mind are busy and my heart is full, but there is still some part of me that is very much in need of some peace and quiet. And that little part's need has gotten incessant. Everything just seems so... loud. Opinions and emotions, deadlines, social interaction, all of it just got so loud today. I want a little quiet. A little time to rest in the peace of busy hands and a thankful (though more quiet) heart. And I know the world isn't going to quiet down. It's only been getting louder and louder since we got out of the middle ages. Maybe there is some sort of metaphorical ear muff I could employ? Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

That and despite popular belief, my life has just been too unscheduled lately. Too much random, too much spontaneous, not enough constants. That, my dear friends, changes tomorrow. I highly doubt I will be doing anything that was not planned in advance until next Tuesday. For you see, next Tuesday I go to visit my brother, his wife, and their six children. There is no such thing as quiet there, and the unexpected happens every moment. But they're also really cute so it evens out.

Usually I'd come up with something neat and tidy to say, but I literally feel so out of my element I'm having trouble putting coherent sentences together. I need mythbusters, orange ginger lotion, and sleep. At least my nights are still properly scheduled.

Day Sixty Two - My Friend Henri

So I have this friend. His name is Henri. A while back he imparted some wisdom to me, and I recently rediscovered it. I thought I'd share his wisdom with you. (*Note* the term "He" means God.)

When He speaks, devote yourself to listening.
When He is silent, devote yourself to obeying.
When He says go, go with single minded thought.
When He says wait, wait with unparalleled patience.
When He says love, love without limit.
When He gives, receive joyfully and put no limit on His graciousness and love.
When He takes away, accept His will in perfect peace.
Devote yourself to applying the application of the Word, it will guide you.
Devote yourself to prayer, it will give you peace.
Keep your eyes open to answered prayer, it will encourage you.
Keep your eyes open to challenges set before you, they will move you.
Be strict in how you see yourself and hold firm to not who you are but who you are in Christ.
Be gracious to yourself and it will be far easier to be gracious to others through compassion.
Hold yourself to the standard of Christ’s life in you and hold to the standard of that life changing the world through interaction with the world.
Accept and embrace your weakness and delight yourself in it rather than punishing yourself for it, for that way can you full depend on God’s grace and rely on His strength.
Continue to learn but always take the time to reflect and apply what you have learned.
And most of all never forget why you are here and the purpose of what you have been called to. It is to glorify God and to bring everyone you come in contact with into a deeper relationship with God.
He is your purpose.
He is your focus.
He is your heartbeat.
He is your breath.
The best way to never forget is to constantly cultivate your love of God.

 - Henri

Day Sixty One - I've Seen This Day Before

Nothing deep or sensational happened today. I worked. I ran errands. I boiled water for 3 hours trying to get the humidity in my house to rise above losing my voice in the mornings. I've just felt really run down for the past few days and can't for my life figure out why. Sleep sounds delicious right now. It was a completely normal day.

But even though today wasn't really special in any way, every day could be like today and I'd be happy as a clam. Sometimes, even joy and happiness fall into a rhythm. For now, this is mine. And I love it. Even adventurers get down time. Right?

Day Sixty - Ruined

I've longed for this level of happiness, joy, and contentment in my life for as long as I can remember. This is the life I always wanted. I wake up and get to do my dream job every day. I'm not kidding. I know I talk about how much I love my job, but I was born to be in the secretary profession. But not just any secretary, a secretary that is given the power to work on behalf on the boss. A super organized right had woman. And... that's what I am. And I love it.

Let's back track for a moment. I have known this was the job I was made for since 'the plan' was laid out with Sammy in 2009. He was the big thinker. He could see exactly where he was going. But how to get there, step by step, was my forte. He made the plans, but I could pull the trigger and set them in motion. I wanted to work for that guy, because I believed in him. I believed in his vision of what could be. I believed I could make it all happen. When the plan fell apart, and Sammy left, I kept my passion for being that 'right hand woman' that could make it all work. I just needed someone that I could trust, who would trust me, and whose vision I believed in.

And that's my boss. I trust her, she trusts me, and I believe in her vision on every level. I have my dream job at 23. And because of that, because I literally have everything (sans husband) that I could want, or will soon have it, I'm just kind of in shock. Where do I go from here? There is literally nothing but room for improvement. I could use a little more money, but it's coming. And then what? I have my favorite kind of car, I have no grand ambitions so far as sq. ft. in some large house, I already eat well, and soon I'll be able to do my job while traveling to visit friends. That's right, in case I hadn't mentioned this before, all I need to do my job is a wifi signal and cell service. If I have those two things I can do my job from anywhere. California, St. Louis, Florida. You name it, I can work there. It's freaking amazing. Where do I go from here? When I'm on cloud nine already, what then?

You see, then, why I'm ruined. I can never work anywhere else, ever. Which should work out just fine because I know my boss isn't going to fire me and I know I'm not going to quit and I know that the business will never go down in a burst of flames due to corporate immorality. Just saying.

So... here's to having the ability to chase the wind at 23, and really see what comes after finding your dream job. I mean, some people don't get to where I am until they're retired. I've got a four decade lead for loving life. I don't know where I go from here, but I'm definitely excited to find out.

Day Fifty Nine - When Favor And Providence Flow

Bear with me in the fact that tonight, I really don't know what I'm going to write. I don't really want to be writing, but I feel led to anyway. There is still so much spiritual activity going on inside it's overwhelming.

So I will write what I know tonight. I know that I am called to be a witness. For anyone who has known me, the last few months aside, the past two years have been rough. I realize that I about strangled a relative through the internet today for using the term 'rough beyond words' to describe the past few months of her life, and while I do not wish to court the anger of those whose years have been worse than mine, please take it in faith that they were indeed rough.

But there is a time for everything. That is just a fact. And through the past two years of darkness and uncertainty and struggle and anger, God has made me into something entirely new and different. He has refined me as through a fire. And I can sparkle all the more because of it. His work is by no means finished, but a cycle of it is. For now are the days when favor and providence flow. So I am to be a witness, not only of His goodness as the deluge of gifts begin, but of His faithfulness in that when He says something, it is as good as Done.

Lord, Lord, my heart has cried, when will You bring light? You have promised me a dawn, but I cannot see.

Hush, hush, little one, He answered, I have polished you in this darkness so that when the light came you would sparkle all the brighter, for I long for all of My children to reflect Me. Now dawn approaches, even on the wings of the morning. And you, My beloved, will shine. I call you to be My witness.

And oh, even as I write this, how my heart is breaking in thankful praise. For this is the season of favor and providence. I praised Him through the darkness, and I praise Him as dawn begins to break. He will provide more than I ever asked, or imagined. Money? I will soon have more of it than I know what to do with, and when that happens, I will be His witness. I have no idea how, but that's not my job. It's His. Love? I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for, and on top of that He continues to reveal spiritual sisters and brothers to me in the most unexpected of people, so that I never feel alone in this Rabbit Hole. I'm also going to throw out there, to be time stamped by the interwebs, that I do believe that this is my year for romantic love as well. And when God provides that, I will be His witness as well. IN ALL THINGS, I will be His witness. In the good, in the overflow, in the warmth of the dawn, in the midday sunshine, I will be His witness. I stand as His witness now, looking back at what He has brought me through, of His goodness in that. It was tough love. It broke His heart to break me, but it was what was best for me, and out of His great love, He put me through it.

Now and forever, I will witness. I praised in the storm, I believed in the dawn, and as it breaks I will declare the faithfulness of my God. It is my joy to have my friends stand beside me and be witnesses with me, and it is my joy to witness to those who see only darkness and despair. Let the light of the dawn not be wasted on me, but let me be a mirror to it that I too may shine and reveal Him to all who see me.

Day Fifty Eight - Link The First

I call this post Link The First because I am a HUGE Zelda nerd and I know myself well enough that there will be more than one posting about Link. Frankly, I'm shocked it took me 58 days to get to the first one. (Linz, tell these people what I'm talking about.) Also, let me take this moment of your time to clarify that though the games are all under the name, "The Legend of Zelda", the character you play is named "Link". I have no desire to be Zelda, she gets kidnapped about as much as Princess Peach, though her dresses are much cooler. But in my soul, since I was a little girl, I have longed to be Link. I dress up like Link for Halloween. I have many, many times tried to talk myself into getting the triforce tattooed on my hand. (Seriously, how legit would that be!?) Or really, anywhere on my body. Link was everything I wanted to be when I was little. Except being a boy. I never wanted to be a boy. But really, in that little tunic thing, who was going to know? I wanted to save whole worlds. I wanted to explore abandoned temples, preferably ones without dungeon masters because those things still creep me out. I wanted to befriend water people, learn their secrets, and be able to breathe under water. I wanted to dance to the drums of the Gorons. I wanted to learn the secret of the forest's song while getting lost in there. I wanted to sit on mountain tops and learn to play new songs. I wanted to have my sword glow with my power and deal justice swiftly. I wanted to master the bow and arrow. I REALLY wanted that hat.

And I didn't want the annoying thing on my shoulder always telling me things I already knew, and yet that's the one thing I got. Go figure.

I tell you about my passion for Link because tonight, something in my heart wants to leave this tiny apartment and go out into the wild blue yonder and find adventure. And I hope, I hope it's by the sea. Because I really, really love the sea. Go to this Link (aren't double meanings fun?) to see if this longing for salt water resonates as strongly in you as it does in me. I digress. I long for adventure, and know I have nothing stopping me, and yet I curl up in layers of sweaters and drink my precious tea and stare out at the sparkly night and continue to long. Because the wind whispers that its not time yet. Not quite yet. The adventure is on it's way, but as any great adventurer knows, we don't choose when we begin. Or who we'll meet along the way. Or where we're going. Or how we get there. We great adventurers know that we just say yes when the call comes, and the rest will fall into place. Or we die horribly over and over again until we google how to beat that boss. Some parts of the analogy don't cross over into real life as well as I'd like.

The point remains that Link didn't go looking for adventure. But adventure was always going to come to him. Saving Zelda and Hyrule was always going to be his destiny. (Oooh, someone please remind me that Link's salvation of Hyrule, only to give up all power to Zelda, deserves its own post and discourse in due time. Oooh someone else remind me that his fade into obscurity and legend while living life as an outcast is another.) He couldn't rush it anymore than he could postpone it. Same as me. Not all little girls are born with the desire to slay dragons and save the world, but I was. Somewhere out there in the wintery night, my adventure is building. If I close my eyes and listen hard enough, I can almost hear my shout of victory echoing back through time to encourage me now. "Wait," the winter wind whispers to me again, "Soon."

Until my next adventure comes for me, for this will not be my first, I will content myself by reading of the heroes of old. Biblical patriarchs, and matriarchs, the women of Austen, the heroes of A.A. Milne, Hobbits and Elves and Men, poets who fought valiantly for imagination and expression and memory, soldiers who redefined bravery, saints who died bravely, and learn from all of them. Whoever said you only had to be one type of hero? I will be them all. I will fight the darkness for the glory of the Light, I will be honored among women, I will be childlike in my motivations, I will be big of heart though I may not be big of height, I will find new ways to express beauty, the human heart, and all the wonders of all the worlds that have been and will be, I will fight for what is good and true and honorable, and I will greet death like an old friend for I will be very tired at the end of my life, having fit so much living into such a short time.

Day Fifty Seven - Out Of Nowhere

I haven't always had the best relationship with my brother. I have hero worshiped him for as long as I can remember. He's my older brother. But for a large part of my life, my brother has been more or less of an asshole. Then my brother met Jesus. And I got to watch him transform before my very eyes. Now, my brother and I get along better than we ever have and I'm really hoping to be able to go visit him and his wife and six children soon. I'm incredibly thankful for my brother and our growing relationship. And then, every once in a while he'll still do something that is just out of nowhere, but equally awesome.

Today, he made my day sparkly with this:

http://www.amazon.com/review/R2UAL2U0QEWCLR/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R2UAL2U0QEWCLR

I highly suggest you click, read, and giggle. Not every day needs a lesson. Some days just need random awesomeness.

Day Fifty Six - My Mom Always Used To Say...

Today was not very sparkly. I was answering e-mails before I even got out of bed today, and wasn't able to log out of my work e-mail or set the computer down until just after 7pm. I was honestly productive with every moment between 8am and 7pm. Reminds me of something my mom used to say when I was a kid.

I was never one for chores. Or really any sort of extended work periods. I believed in breaks. Some breaks could last the whole day. My mother, on the other hand, believed that a 'break' meant switching tasks, not relaxing. In order to give me a 'break' from cleaning the kitchen, she'd want me to take out the trash. To give me a 'break' from cleaning my room, she'd want me to help my brother change the light bulbs. It often times made me look at her like she had 2 heads. I mean, the woman was supposedly wiser and more experienced in life, and yet she had yet to truly understand the concept of a break. It's not like its a difficult concept.

Except, today, I really didn't have time for a break. I had things that needed to get done. At 2:30 when I could not handle another moment of feeling behind at work, I took a 'break' to get some housework done to try and clear my head. I went from one job to another. Every time I needed a break today, it became some form of productivity, because it all needed to be done. I ruefully shook my fist at those memories, cause dang it all, mom was right. Taking a 'break' to clean my kitchen really helped me settle back into a positive frame of mind for work. Taking a 'break' from housework to reply to an e-mail or two or tweak a design helped the monotony of doing dishes. Back and forth for almost the entire afternoon.

That being said, although it was useful, it was less than sparkly. Today, I was at a loss of how to add a little sparkle into my day. I barely had time for sanity, let alone sparkle. But there must be ways, and I want to find them, tell you all, and do them. Days like today are exhausting and are best avoided if at all possible.

Any ideas? What do you do to make hectic, 'catch up' days sparkly? What do you do to break the monotony and add a little something special to your day?

Day Fifty Five - Disorienting Illusion

Here's the thing about living in the Rabbit Hole that really makes it so incredibly Alice in Wonderland - esque: reality is relative. Don't get me wrong, I think the whole, "Just because something is true for you doesn't make it true for me" argument is a bullshit cop out to avoid acknowledgement that we do not set the rules for our own life and death, and if we don't, then there must be someone greater than us that does set the rules. That is not what I am talking about. *sigh* And just how will I explain the crazy today?

Perhaps it's better stated that things are almost never as they seem, and things that would seem rational to me are absurd, and things that would seem absurd to me are completely rational. Just... just try and stay with me on this. For the past few weeks, my eyes have been turned heavenward for direction. My feet have been moving, but my eyes have not been on the road or the destination, my eyes have been lost in those of my Guide. (See what I did there? Capitalized Guide to indicate it was God. I know. I'm clever.) Today, for some reason (my guess is the brat), my eyes took a downward turn to look at the road in front of me and were rather surprised to find what very much looked like a solid wall in my path. Made of brick. And steel. I walked up to it, and took a closer look. Yup. Brick and steel and mortar. I looked to my left, the wall stretched as far as I could see. I looked to my right. Same thing. I looked up, it was too tall to climb. I looked up again, "God, if you want me to continue, I'm gonna need a grappling hook, or a door of some sort."

And this, dear reader, is where I'm going to need you to give my analogy a little leeway in the sense making dept. And this, dear reader, is the part where God looked at me as if I was a little special in the head and said in reply, "No, my dear, you don't. Feel free to continue walking forward at any time."

"But God," I said, wondering exactly where the miscommication was in all this, "There is this wall. Last time I checked, I cannot walk through walls. Now ones made of brick and steel and mortar. Now, if I had a door, I could go through that. Or if I had some sort of grappling hook, perhaps like the one Batman has so handy all the time, then I could climb over it and continue on my way."

And then, then my dear friends, He laughed at me. "Wall? Is that what you see? A solid wall? Well, little one, despite what you may see, I assure you, there is no wall. Now keep walking."

I looked at God. I looked at the wall. I looked back and God, and back at the wall. Despite what He said, I still saw a wall. "Just keep walking. Ignore the wall. Pretend the wall isn't there. Walk through the wall. That's what You're telling me."

"I'm telling you there is no wall. Beloved, you're not seeing clearly. You see a wall. I see an opportunity to display My glory and bring you joy by showing you that when you walk with Me, nothing can stop My will. There is no wall because I am not hindered by what you see, and it is I that move you. Rely on My sight, and not on your own."

Let me tell you, my brain struggled with that one for a bit. I took a deep breath, and prepared myself for a bruised forehead for when I bounced off the wall, but closed my eyes, tried to see what He was telling me was the truth, and ran through the wall. Like it was not even there. Let me tell you, it was incredibly disorienting. To realize that what I was seeing wasn't in fact reality left me feeling incredibly off balance. I spent the rest of the day trying to wrap my head around what had just happened. I mean, if there really was no wall, what else am I seeing that isn't there? Or worse, what is there that I'm not seeing? How can I continue to walk if my eyes cannot be trusted?

"Hush, hush, little one," God said to my heart, "It is good that you are beginning to realize that your sight and Mine are not the same. It is good that you realize that My sight is the better by far. For My sight is always available to you, you need only ask and I will show you what I see."

I knew He was right, but it was still a big pill to swallow. It left me feeling uncomfortable, vulnerable, and confused. In running through what very much looked like a solid wall, I had lost my peace. The situation, while beneficial, had left me shaken. I struggled all day to get my peace back, to find the comfort in the Rabbit Hole that I had had only a few hours earlier. I praised for hours today, and it very much helped, but my peace wasn't complete. But to my incredibly surprise (and most likely another separate blog post) it wasn't until I did my nightly Bible reading that I regained my peace and comfort. The moment I opened the book a wave of contentment rolled over me, and I once again felt as if I was curled into my Father's arms rather than adrift at sea.

And now, safely curled in my Daddy's arms, and knowing I have a full night of sleep between myself and the challenges of tomorrow, I find myself more and more excited by the idea that my sight is not to be trusted. If I can indeed have His sight, true sight, at any time that I ask for it, what all might I find that I have been missing? What glorious things are there for me to see? What hidden treasures are there to be found? I couldn't tell you, but I'm excited to find out.

Day Fifty Four - The Brat

I know I've said it here before, that my life has the tendency to be sort of sitcom-y in the simple fact that I have a less than neatly packaged thought of the day. Every day. For fifty four days now. But here's the difference. Once everything is 'neatly' wrapped up for the day and the credits role, all those lessons and thoughts still have to be dissected and processed, and some still need to be mulled over for a while yet. (There is a lot of stewing going on inside my head.) But it doesn't end at the blog. It starts here. This is where I flesh out ideas that have been stirring inside. And once they're out on paper - or the internet - then I can really look at them and consider. And then sigh a little bit inside because if I'm right (and I often am) then it probably means I need to make some sort of change. 

And then I start to wish  that I live in an 80's movie so that every time I had something that was going to take a lot of time and effort, I'd be through it in 3 minutes and a pop song. Instead, my brain is left to argue and wrestle with my heart. In real time. Without a chipper song. 

Which leads to days like today. See, I always tend to think of myself as one whole being. When I set my mind to something, then I'll do it because I am whole. Life, however, has taught me a number of times that this theory is full of crap. There are multiple things going on inside of me that I don't understand all the time, and 'unified' is not a good way to describe them. I know there are at least two parts of me, my brain and my heart, but I think there is another. We'll call it the 'brat' because that's what it is. Think about it, every day we conquer the brat. Some of us conquer it just enough to get by in society, some of us drive the brat into the ground, and some of us make duck faces and just give the brat full control. And move to Jersey. 

Yesterday's post, (if you didn't read it you should) was all about submission, though I don't think I use that word once. It was. Submission to the will of another, and on top of it, the wisdom to accept that God is smarter than me, and so joyfully submit. My Brat hates that. My brat wants to have free reign to manipulate situations to get what she wants. My brat loves to throw tantrums and be petulant, and ride the roller coaster of emotion. My brat loves to do things the easy way. My brat is lazy. My brat likes the status quo. My brat hates not being number one. 

How this slipped my mind as I started making changes to becoming number two in my own life is beyond me, but I did. Last night seemed to send my brat over the edge. It was hard, it was a struggle, but I joyfully surrendered. I didn't pout, or whine, or scream, or manipulate. I smiled and worked through the tough emotions of my heart until a genuine peace spread through me. A peace that was not my own. My brat knew it was losing control. I had it tightly caged. I want it destroyed. So it lashed out in its most devious ways: vulnerability. Without my brat, I am incredibly vulnerable. My brat is the anger that hides the hurt. My brat is the feeling of being in control. My brat is the stiff upper lip when I'm devastated. And today, I felt vulnerable. I was tense and jumpy all day. So tight my muscles still hurt. So anxious I was having difficulty breathing normally. So anxious any noise made me jump. It was exhausting.

But it was worth it, too. I fear vulnerability more than most things. I relish the feeling of being in control of my own life. But I'm not. I gave that up. And have proved it. And will have to continue to live that promise. And I can't do that giving the brat any control. The brat has to go, and I have to find a new way to feel safe.

A real way. Because let's face it, in this world, the feeling of control is an illusion no matter which way you slice it.  

Day Fifty Three - Hard To Say Okay

Things I learned/relearned today:
1) Do not try and attack someone who is a skilled fighter. They are not all as nice as Sammy and Titus used to be (you know who you are, and yes it needed to be in the blog too).
2) Sometimes, I need to just shush and let other people pick the movies.
3) It's really hard to say, "Okay, God," when He answers the cry of your heart with, "Not now, little one."

We're gonna talk about #3. As some of you may know, for the past few days my heart has been longing. Hoping. Begging. Tonight, I'm writing this blog so late because I spent the last three hours in a church parking lot praying. And God answered my prayer. "Not tonight, little one." I understand, the timing is in His hands, and He's never been less than perfect with it before, but I still hoped the time was now. It's not. And my heart needs to be okay with that.

It's hard to even write this; all I want to do is curl up in bed and wake up tomorrow and throw myself into work and not think about it anymore. But part of being in the Rabbit Hole is accepting things that hurt, because you trust the One who guides your life. Especially when it hurts. And I do, I do trust Him. I trust His timing. I trust His will over my own. I want His will over my own. And that's the real struggle, to give up this will of mine, and be glad in His. If it His will that the time is not now, then it is my will as well and in that I can rejoice, for our wills are now united. But there is a struggle in that. And there always will be, because I'm human.

The struggle, however, is more than worth it. Because all of my hope is in God; He fulfills every need, every desire. I will not be left empty, nor wanting. And so tonight, as I read my Bible, I know I'll find the fulfillment I need to sleep well and go to bed with joy that God's will is being done in my life. For there is an endless well of contentment in that fact alone.

Update after Bible reading: I'm sure this will be it's own blog, or multiple blogs in the future, but one thing I've learned over the years is that God never does anything without a purpose. Ever. His "Not now," has a purpose, and someday I will be called to be a witness to His timing and His plan, and my witness will be of it's glorious perfection. So even now, when I do not understand, I can still obey, and be a witness. For He has never failed me, He satisfies my deepest needs. It is my witness that my God is the God who provides.

And after reading tonight, I was reminded of the horrible consequences of impatience. So my heart will not be troubled, but will wait in contentment. It is no longer difficult tonight, to accept His plan. To think that my plan would be better than His is nothing less than complete and total absurdity.

Day Fifty Two - Lazy Saturday

I have no grand lessons today. I have no inner dialogues. I don't even have a rant. I made some delicious potatoes today, ate a lot of chicken, played some XBox, read my bible, cleaned my room, and thanked the good Lord that I was going to get to bed really early because I have been sleeping like crap. 

So... um... I hope you enjoyed your day as much as I enjoyed mine. If I had to have one thing to leave you with today it would be that rest for the body is incredibly important, but don't forget that your soul needs it too, and your mind. And each rests in its own way. XBox and copious amounts of food recharge my body, Bible rests my soul, and learning something new, or reading a book or an article, just shaking it up, is what my brain needs. I got all three today. I really plan on getting all three again tomorrow.

Have a fabulous night and a sparkly Sunday!

Day Fifty One - All That I've Got

Today's blog probably isn't what you think it's about. If I read that title, knowing me (which I do), I'd expect something rather gung-ho. It's not. In fact it's the absolute opposite.

My tank is on E. I'm writing this on fumes. I'm at the tears level of exhaustion. It's not my job. I love my job. I find my job fulfilling. I love being busy. It makes me feel useful. And I was on a roll today with work. Today, giant steps forward were taken in very exciting directions. But as six o'clock rolled around, my body just gave out. But my body's exhaustion is caused by my emotional exhaustion, not by my job.

And it's not that I haven't been filling my tank. That's not it at all. In fact, for the last week, every night, and most days I have been pumping severe amounts of gas into my tank. We're talking massive, ginormous amounts of fuel. It's important that you understand this. In the past two weeks I've pumped as much fuel into my system as I had in the previous 9 months.

Then the question becomes, then why on God's green earth am I empty? I should be hemorrhaging fuel, not sucking fumes. The only way I know how to explain it is this: for the past nine months I've been an emotional vespa. I'm fairly sure I could drive to Florida and back on like one tank of gas on one of those things. Okay, so maybe not, but you get the idea.

(One tank of gas = chasing the sunset for the next two years)

But here is the thing about Vespas. Unless the road you're traveling down is paved as smooth as glass, you're not going anywhere. Vespa's can't handle pot holes, let alone off roading. They're not exactly speed demons either. And right around New Years, God put a desire for more into my heart. It was time to put the Vespa away. He tossed me a set of keys, and gave me an unlimited gas card. (In case I'm losing you in the analogy, because I'm losing myself occassionally, God wanted me to be making more progress. There were walls that He wanted torn down and my Vespa wasn't going to do it. He also knew that it would be taking a lot more gas. So He gave me a passion for the Bible again, threw a couple of Piper's books at me, and hooked me up Francis J. Roberts again.) I was thinking like a Range Rover or something. Nope. As always, He thinks bigger than me. 

(It eats Vespas for breakfast.)

It also runs on nothing less than its own personal oil well. It drinks Texas tea for breakfast, second breakfast, brunch, lunch, linner, dunch, dinner, and a bedtime snack. But, on the bright side, it can also go anywhere you want it to. "Mountains, you say? Ha! No. Not when I'm done with it." That's it's license plate. 

So, hopefully I haven't completely confused you, and you get what I'm saying here. I'm giving it all that I've got to keep this thing going. And to be honest, I'm not entire sure what this thing is. I know it takes a lot to move things from head knowledge to heart knowledge. I know that not every part of me is really happy about the fact that I voluntarily, and happily, put down my XBox controller last night for my bible and stayed up late reading it. I know there is some weird struggle going on about all of the changes I've been making in my life. Because it's not as easy. Coasting was pretty easy. This... this takes a hell of a lot more effort. And as my close friends know, there has been a lot of back and forth over certain lines, and I couldn't tell you why every little thing has been such an incredibly struggle, but it has. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm loving the outcomes. Every inch of this new life is worth every amount of struggle. Joy like I've never known it. Peace. Comfort. Love. Passion. Desire. Forgiveness. Being freed from guilt is the most amazing thing in the world. But it is undeniably exhausting. So...I'm gonna go fill up and try and get some sleep.

Day Fifty - All that Glitters Is Not Gold

Before I start today's blog, I would like to inform you that we are officially 5% through this blog. I'm really excited to see how it continues to change and evolve. But I cannot stress enough how much I want your help and input. Comment! If you don't have a gmail account to comment through, then comment directly on the Facebook link, or message me directly on Facebook! 

So, as you can guess, today's topic is about money. For the vast majority of my life, I didn't think about it. I never had to. My mom made sure of that. I had everything I needed, and frankly, most everything I wanted. Because my mom taught me well to be content with what I had. We've never been on government aid, and I've never felt as if I had less than. But to my knowledge, we've never had an annual income above the poverty line either. God has always provided. He has taught me a lot about stress, and how not to do it, at least not with finances, because He has always provided. 

But I feel as if I had a holy discontent placed in me one day about it. Let me explain. There are things that I want that money could provide. A bigger apartment. A new desk for my job. A whole wall of bookshelves for my books. A new TV. A new bed frame. A new beside table. One of those portable heater things that you plug in. Ooh and a filing cabinet. But I have no doubt that in time, I'll get all of those things with patience, and as I save for them. It doesn't bother me that I can't afford them right now. What does bother me is that my tithing sucks, and that I can't give away more than a bare minimum. That bothers the crap out of me. Because there are so many people, even in my community, that need money far more than I do and I want to give it to them and cannot. 

I've never desired much so far as money goes. I have three desires when it comes to cash. 1) Have enough to support my mother completely, so she works because she wants to, not because she needs to. I feel as if it is my duty and honor as a daughter to take care of the woman who took care of me for so long. 2) Have enough to provide for my own family, preferably not living month by month. 3) Have enough money to give the excess away. 

And lately, that has been my prayer when it came to money, simply that I have enough to give away. And God answers prayer, He will provide, in ever increasing ways, for me and for my mother. And with that comes a sense of trepidation in my heart. Wealth, in my opinion, is something to be treated with utmost care. I see it sort of like a nuclear power plant. It needs to be handled with extreme caution, but it can be an amazing source of financial 'energy' if handled correctly. If it's not, it can lead to a complete meltdown of your life. 

Let this always be as clear in my life as it is to me now. The gifts of God are the best life has to offer, and they are completely free. Love is free. Security in God is free. Salvation is free. Faith is free. Joy is free. Because they are gifts. We pay nothing for them. They had a terrible cost, but we didn't pay it. He did. But the cost had not a single thing to do with money. And the best part? None of them can be enhanced in any way by money. Love, true love, couldn't care less about money. Security in God laughs at those who find security in wealth. Salvation weeps for those who think they can buy it. Faith is indiscriminate between the rich and the poor. Joy has yet to be found in wealth. 

Just the other day, this truth struck home in a very big way. I was sitting on my love seat, my hands wrapped around a warm cup of tea, watching the snow fall, eating a delicious breakfast that I had made, looking at the Christmas lights I refuse to take down sparkle in and play off the fake, plastic (but beautiful) icicles I hung from them, and realized with a sense of awe that goes completely against everything this culture teaches us, that no amount of money or things would make this moment any better. This moment was just another free gift from my Father. I will filled with such joy at the simple beauty of what was before my eyes.

I never want to lose that sense of awe at the little things. I never want to have more than enough. I never want to think that because I have money, I am somehow less dependent upon God's gifts. I never want to lose my love of simplicity. I never want to clutter my heart with desires for things. I want to always have one desire: God. To quote Piper, "The great danger of riches is that our affections will be carried away from God to His gifts." That genuinely frightens me. I know I am no better than anyone else, that my heart is just as susceptible to the snares and dangers of riches as anyone's are. The Bible is really very clear on this. It gives warning after warning about the dangers of wealth to the heart, to the spiritual life. Deuteronomy 8:17-18 "Beware lest you say in your heart, "My power and the might of my hand have gotten me this wealth." You shall remember the Lord your God, for it is He who gives you power to get wealth," And 1 Timothy 6:9 "Those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction."  But I'm not going to let fear stop my desire to have more to give away either. And I know that in order to give away, I need God to give to me first. So my prayer to have enough to give away will continue.

I guess I just wanted to write about this for my own clarity tonight. Though I find my heart called more and more to pray for money so that I can give it away, I also realize that a bigger apartment to accommodate my job needs isn't a sin either, and that I'll soon have the money for that. But though I am comfortable, I never want to lose sight of how much I am given on a daily basis. Though my income may increase, I pray that my sensitivity to the needs of those around me increase as well. Let me always want to keep my apartment a few degrees colder so that I can give the money I save with a lower heating bill toward those who struggle to pay their heating bill. Let me always want to coupon to save money on groceries so I can give to those who struggle to buy healthy food for their family. Let me always stop to look at the snow and the sparkly lights because all that glitters is not gold, for those things that sparkle and glitter and shine the brightest are the free gifts of a Good and Loving God. Let me never forget that above all things. 

Day Forty Nine - My Midol Hasn't Kicked In Yet

Usually, I'm pretty good at controlling my hatred of humanity. I know. I'm a Christian. I'm not supposed to hate humanity. I'm supposed to love it. And want it to be saved. And I do, I really do, but I also want it to stop being so fucking stupid. And you know what, I'm in pain, I'm exhausted but know I'm not going to sleep well, and I swear I live in one of the stupidest towns on God's green earth, so tonight, I'm just going to hate for a few minutes. But rather than ranting, which we all know I can do and abundantly, I'm going to list the stuff that annoys me, and I want to know what you think about it. Because I enjoy discussion among rational, intelligent beings. And judging by the people I know are reading this, I consider you highly intelligent.

Five Things That Made Me Question The Intelligence Of The Masses Today

(That's right, I'm only listing stuff that pissed me off this very day.)

1. The argument that apes should be granted the status of personhood in legal proceedings. I would have a far kinder view on this if it wasn't for the fact that preborn babies aren't granted that status. 

2. The second story reported on my local news tonight was the 'flurries' we had today, and how to act in cold weather. And I quote, "Bundle up, take 'warm up' breaks, don't get hypothermia, avoid frostbite by covering your extremities." In case you have found this blog randomly and have not looked, I live in Iowa. I've understood what to do in cold weather since I could dress myself. If anyone who lives in Iowa is intimidated by flurries or temperatures below 40 degrees, then they're living in the wrong state and need to move immediately. 

3. People pay tens of thousands of dollars to have their beloved pets cloned. Seriously? You decided that was the best possible use of that money. At some point, I can understand that they're afraid another dog wouldn't love them. Maybe that's true. Because they're assholes spending tens of thousands of dollars to clone their dog. But here's my idea. If they gave the money to charity, they wouldn't be such an asshole, and therefore a new dog would, in time, learn to love them. 

4. Parents cannot read or choose not to follow simple instructions. I cannot tell you how many forms filled out by parents that I have wanted, so badly, to crumple and throw at them. When I ask you to rate something for me, out of your preference, please do so. A single check mark by the one you want is not rating. That's checking. I'm pretty sure their kid knows the difference. Be smarter than your kid. 

5. People who whine about how their lives suck, but will not lift a pinky finger to change their situation. My response to them is usually, "Oh, well then, feel free to just wallow in misery until you die." I then walk away, because I have better shit to be doing than listening to anyone whine about situations they usually walked themselves into. I really cannot handle responsibility shirkers.

So, do you think I am wrong on any of these points? Perhaps being a bit harsh? Or, even better, what pisses you off to the point of fantasized violence?

Day Forty Eight - It's Not A Crab Cake, But It Does Have Delicious Morsels

I'm hungry. Not for food. Well, a little. But that's not the point.

You ever have a craving? You're just hungry for that one thing and nothing is going to really satisfy you until you get it? Whenever I have those, it's usually crab cakes. But this time, it's a little different.

Whenever I set time aside to do something, I usually set that time right before bed. Like lotion. My skin is so dry. So I've made a mental note to apply my favorite lotion (bath and body works Awake scent, it just calms me so) every night before bed. I know I'm going to have the time to do it then. I usually take the same approach to my prayer and Bible reading. I know I'm going to have time then, or if I don't, I can make the time then.

I know in previous posts I've talked about how hard it was to get motivated to read the bible, and start a devo again. Now, I'm having the opposite problem. Every night when I finish my allotted reading of the night, I don't want to be done. I want to keep reading. I want more. But I sort of see it as lotion. The answer to dry skin isn't always 'more lotion', part of it is time, the lotion has to soak in, go beneath the surface, hydrate all the layers. If one just kept applying more lotion, soon you'd just be one big slippery mess that couldn't twist a door knob if you're life depended on it. Maybe it's the same way with Bible readings and devos. The answer isn't more, but to let it soak in.

I think that's what I'm missing right now. I'm giving time to reading, but not a lot of time to thinking. Because at night, when I'm tired, even the most interesting theological question is going to put me to sleep. Which makes me groan a little bit, because the logical answer is then in the morning. But maybe that's not so bad. A lot of the time I wake up by reading the news on my iPhone. Maybe after, or before my news intake, I could just read over my notes from the night before and give myself a few moments to dwell on them. Because the brain is sort of like a computer, and if I take the time to open that application, just because it isn't always on top, doesn't mean it isn't running. Yea. I like that idea. I'm gonna give it a shot.

I think it might work because although I'm craving the Bible, I'm craving what it gives me. And that is knowledge about God, that's what I really want. And that cannot be found by sheer volume alone, but by careful contemplation. That's my theory for the day.

So now I'm curious. What are you hungry for? And what do you do to satisfy that hunger?

Day Forty Seven - How To Handle Stress

Some days, no matter how on top of the ball you're trying to be, you're not going to be on top of it at all. Today was one of those days for me. Right around 2pm I was sitting rather pretty. I was almost done with all of my 'to-do' list for the day, was planning on clocking out around 4 and just chillaxing. That was not what the day had in store for me. Instead, I frantically reformatted and corrected documents, created those that were missing, and called parents. Around 5 o'clock I got a call from a parent that basically informed me that I had no idea what was going on at a school for which I had hoped scheduling issues were a thing of the past. But today's blog is not about my job. There are always going to be days that I feel like this. No matter how good I am at my job. The point is how to handle it.

I'm not good at stress. My doctor told me so and writes me a prescription for it. Which I never take. So there's that. But I try to be superwoman at my job, and today I really had to realize that I can't be superwoman. Not that I'm going to stop being awesome at my job, no, not even a little. I love my job. I love even the stressful duties because it feels so good when they're handled and I know that they're handled well. Reformatting documents is my thing. But I also have to realize that me staying up thinking about it til 10pm isn't helping anyone either. I have to be able to step back from my job and leave my work at work. Which is harder than I thought it would be, being as I work from home. 

Which is why I have a new plan. Unless its design work (which doesn't stress me out but ignites a little fire in me), then I am indeed, clocking out at a reasonable hour each day. I understand that this means that I will have to start earlier in the day, and I'm really okay with that. There needs to be a very firm line between 'work hours' and 'life hours'. Yes, I have work to do in the morning. But that's what the morning is for. To work. And I'll be far more capable of doing everything, and doing it the best of my abilities, if I can step back and enjoy my night and relax and wake up refreshed rather than stressed out. 

My work ethic isn't changing, but my work plan is. And I feel really good about it. Tonight, instead of stressing over the phone calls I have to make in the morning and the scheduling issues that need to be dealt with, I had a 3 hour chat with my best friend. I told her she needed to make me laugh and she did. And then we kept talking and I felt myself stressing out less and less, knowing that tomorrow would handle itself if I handled myself tonight. 

Because curve balls are not my specialty, but they are God's. Because there is no curve ball when He is omniscient. He knew today would happen this way, and planned for it. He's not just the God of church, He's the God of everything, and that includes my job and my company. I don't doubt that His hand is upon it and that He'll work things out for His good. I know this sounds very, "God, please let my team win the super bowl" esque, but it's not to me. To me, it's much sillier to take Him out of my job, instead of inviting Him into it. Through it, He has already taught me so much: the value of an amazing boss, and of great coworkers, the value of a job well done and of being appreciated for it, the value of believing in a good cause and working for it, even if the reward isn't here yet. And tonight He used it to teach me about how He wants me to handle my stress, and that is ALWAYS to bring it before Him, whether it's work related or not. 

That's what I learned today. Did God have anything unexpected for you?

Day Forty Six - Oh How I Love To Do Nothing

Today I did nothing. Well that's not entirely true. I did laundry and ate well and played video games. And it was lovely. I felt my whole body just relax and absorb the nothing.

And man am I going to need it. Out of sheer curiosity I checked my work e-mail before bed. And I have so much to deal with in the morning it's painful. But not now. It can wait til morning. Tonight, I will continue to relax or I'll never get through the rest of the week.

What do you do when you need to relax? How do you stay sane when it seems like things will never settle down?

Day Forty Five - Let Me Not Be Satisfied

Today, my heart was simply overwhelmed with the goodness, mercy, graciousness, and incredible artistry of God. The day started with a much appreciated answer to prayer, coming from a third party friend of mine. It both warmed and quickened my heart, as a desire so long in the making came into a whole new, sharp focus. That, in itself, would have been enough to satisfy my heart for the day, and for it to sing praises to my God. But God had more. Oh, so much more.

Tonight, God gave me the gift of a kindred spirit, a woman who understands my crazy and I understand hers. A woman with a heart as deep and as passionate as my own, with a sense of purpose, a crazy strong head on her shoulders, and a truly beautiful view of life. Truth be told, she inspires me more than just a little bit. And I am blessed to call her friend, and know with a warm sense of anticipation that this friendship will continue to grow into something ever more lovely.

Tonight, God showed me more of the intricate tapestry He's weaving with our lives. I have never realized so precisely the threads weave around each other as He uses us in the lives of those all around us. I had a question in my heart, and she in hers, and in the exact same circumstance, He answered both. In which case, though difficult to describe, my no and her yes fit perfectly together into the start of something wonderful.

I admit, I am overwhelmed by His gifts. So overwhelmed that the deepest prayer of my heart tonight is that He be gracious on me yet again, and not let my heart wander from Him. I do not want His gifts to be a distraction, but to be a constant mirror to the Giver of them all. He has given me a wonderful job with a wonderful boss and wonderful coworkers. He has given me a brother, whom I cherish deeply. He has given me a new friend, which I do not doubt will become a dear sister in time. He has given me the deepest desire of my heart. All of these things point solely to God as the gracious giver, and yet I am human. I know my own weakness, to be content with the gifts, rather than to seek the Giver.

I think that is perhaps my challenge for now. I survived the drought, and I survived the rain, and He led me to Himself in ever glorious ways. From my ashes He created beauty. From my sorrows, joy. From brokenness, forgiveness and love. From folly, wisdom. From poverty, riches. Now, as a new day breaks, will I hold to Him as tightly as I did in the storm? Will I cry to Him as loudly and as passionately as I did in the dark, now that there is light? Will I still seek Him diligently, now that He is so easy to find? I pray that I do. For though my heart rejoices in the gifts that He continues to shower upon me, the still small knowledge that has always been true whispers that only He can satisfy me, and that I must not forget that.

So, as backward as it seems, my prayer is to ask for more. I have and will continue to thank Him for His gifts, for they are wonderful and more than I could have dreamed of. But I want more. More of Himself. And I will never be satisfied, for He is so much more than me. In Him, and in Him alone is there pleasures and joy forever more. Let me never be satisfied. Let me always search, let me always yearn, let me always hunger for more of Him. And let me always see past the gift to the Giver. Let not my eyes become full of what He has given, but let them fill with who He is. So Lord God Almighty, in the face of all of this incredibly bounty, let me boldly ask for more. I am not satisfied. I want more of You.

Day Forty Four - Buddies

Just a quick one today folks. And this one has to do with buddies. 

Today involved two different buddies. One buddy I drank two glasses of wine with and giggled to the end of Back to the Future. And am now really regretting the buzz. Because it just doesn't feel good. 

The other buddy gave me a hug and since we had both come to the conclusion, a number of times, that we weren't interested in alcohol anymore, became "non drinking, bible reading buddies" to keep us both on track for what we want for our lives. 

I love them both dearly, and only one of them ever reads this blog, so I'm not overly concerned about it. It just really made me wonder: there are some people I dearly love, but maybe for now, it's not a great time for them to be big contributing factors in my life. At least not until I have a little more self control. Which isn't their fault, it's mine. But the conclusion remains the same. 

Thoughts?

Day Forty Three - Finally

Yesterday, my friend Bruce told me something incredibly wise. "Don't be a dummy." And, shockingly, I took his advice. And started today off right with some Francis J. Roberts. He's not exactly Chan or Piper or Driscoll. In fact, so far as Christian authors goes, he's pretty obscure. Which makes me really sad because his stuff is pure gold. So I read three of his devotions. (Come Away My Beloved is his best seller, I cannot recommend it highly enough, though all of his books have been phenomenal.) And they were wonderful. As if they were written just for me. I sipped coffee and talked to God, and He smiled and held me in His arms. It was a delicious way to start  the morning.

The rest of the day was fairly normal. I took a phone call from an overly caffeinated, whilst very appreciated, mother at 9:00am. I took our Christmas decorations down and to the storage unit. I spent some time with a good friend, saying our goodbyes before he leaves to go back to Texas. I called my friend Bruce. I worked a bit more and then piddled around with my designs a little more. I took a shower, did dishes, made dinner, and watched Grey's Anatomy.  And now, even with my sore throat (these ridiculously high temperatures in the middle of January are seriously messing with my allergies) I am excited for my Bible time tonight. 

I cannot tell you how long it has been since I wanted to read the Bible. It's been a struggle for me for years now. I once had a real passion for it, I wanted to do it, I found joy in it, I found peace and comfort in it. And then, when everything fell apart, so did my desire and joy and peace and comfort in the Word. And I just couldn't seem to make reading it a habit again. 

But my joy, my peace, my comfort, and even better, my desire to read it has come back full force. It has my thinking, absorbing, rejoicing, worshiping, learning, and praising again. I get excited for that time of the night every night. Finally.

It's like I told my mom tonight, I love my life. I love my job, I love my home, I love my food, I love the TV schedule for the upcoming week. I love my books, I love my friends, I love every blanket on my bed. And now is a time of blessing it seems. And I'm going to soak up every minute of it so the next dry spell isn't so incredibly dry. 

Day Forty Two - Timesies

Because you and I, dear reader, need a break from all of the weighty stuff for at least one night. So what I'm going to do is fill this thing with links that have made me laugh over the past couple of days.


First, Links.
My Drunk Kitchen
Marcel the Shell with shoes on
I put some Kool-Aid in my hair
Epic Meal Time

And please, for all that is good, if you haven't seen Llamas with hats then go watch that and then watch 2-4.

That should keep you laughing. I'm even linking it in the middle of the afternoon so you can waste the rest of your day with it! How considerate of me.

P.S. Proverbs 27:14. I shout at my alarm clock every morning.

Day Forty One - Touche, God. Touche.

Until 10:45pm today, I felt on top of the world. I had some worship music I was rocking out to, I had fantastic chats with two of my closest friends; it was pretty much everything I'd expect from the day following the past 2 days. And then there's the curve ball. And man, I did not see this one coming.

For my own entertainment, we'll call him Bruce. Bruce is one of my dearest friends. I just freaking love the kid and have since we met and became friends in the fall of '09. He and I would sit on my dorm room porch like thingy and smoke cloves and talk theology. Through the past three years, though our love for one another has never wavered, our levels of contact have. Truth be told we've barely spoken in the last year. But suddenly the Holy Spirit put him on my heart and I on his and we started talking again and like it was nothing we were besties once more. 

He has been such an incredible gift to me, even in the few weeks since we've reconnected. That kid, more than any other guy in my life pretty much ever, makes me feel so loved. He listens without judgement and encourages without tiring. He's the kind of guy every mother on this earth prays that her daughter marries. Well, Christian mommas. He loves Jesus first and foremost and let me tell you, in this city and surrounding area, that my friends is a gem. He also happens to be funny, affectionate, and covered with some super legit tattoos. 

And then...curve ball. So I get a text from him at 10:45pm tonight, explaining why he was in a funk last night and I didn't hear from him all day. Because he was drained. Because he was pouring so much into me and another friend that he had completely exhausted himself. Because as much as I hate it, I do not pour into him like he pours into me. Don't get me wrong. I want to. I try to. I try to pour out affection and encouragement and wisdom like he does for me but its not the same. I'm still a drain on him. 

He didn't tell me this out of malice, or wanting me to change. Quite the opposite actually. He told me this because I needed to accept it. Because I needed to embrace it. Because it wasn't a bad thing, it was an ordained thing. This is how its supposed to be between us, for now at least. And he has no idea why, only that it is. 

And that, friends, is a tough pill for me to swallow. I know he's right. I can feel it in my heart. I know, equally, that I'm not a huge fan of it. I don't like to be a drain. I like to be equals with my friends, to give as much as I take. And with him, right now, I can't. But I know why, even if he doesn't. I have to accept that his love for me will not change although I cannot give as much as I receive. I have to accept that what I can give is still wanted. I have to accept the fact that right now I am incredibly needy for what he has to give. I have to accept that he is willing to give it, freely, without any expectation of ever being repaid. And I did. I did accept it. But in a fear factor esque sort of way. I closed my eyes, gritted my teeth, took a deep breath and went for it even though it was clear I'd much rather be doing something, anything else. 

Oh but friends, I mistakenly thought God had only the above things for me to accept. Silly me. He is nothing if not a brilliant multi-tasker. He had one more thing for me. I asked Bruce, who I have always referred to as my little brother (as I'm 2 years older), jokingly, "When did my little brother start schooling me in this stuff?"

"Yea, it's just weird watching me say it."

I squinted at my phone's screen and typed, "...explain?"

"I dunno, I don't understand what's going on." He said, and then quickly said goodnight. 

I swear I stared at my phone for a good two minutes. I swear God was smirking at me, very smug. I could almost hear Him. "See, Valerie? When a heart is open to me, it does not need to understand in order to obey." And I sighed, dropping the fear factor esque acceptance, and bowed my head and accepted His terms genuinely. Bruce had no idea what God was telling me through him. And yet I still got the message, loud and clear. Touche, God. Touche.

Day Forty - Hypocrisy and Fire

Also known as to say one thing and do another. And if there is one universal truth in the world, it's that we all hate hypocrites. Unfortunately for me, I am one. A friend called me out on it today. It was hard. I don't really have a poker face, and it wasn't easy for me to listen. Because he was right. I said one thing and did another. And it's not like it was an isolated incident. I've been doing it for years.

There is no excuse for hypocrisy. I knew what I did went against what I said I believed. I knew it in my head, but it didn't truly convict me. It was in my head, but not in my heart. I knew it, but felt nothing. It inspired no passion. Which is why it was so easy to ignore when push came to shove.

But the amazing thing is that yesterday, and today, the Holy Spirit has been quietly working at a rather insane rate. Yesterday He lit a match and today the fire raged. It burned away all of my bullshit. All of the excuses. All of the guilt. All of the passions that raged to ash and left me cold. All of them were laid bare. I had no defense. But there was no condemnation, no judgement. There was forgiveness; there was calling.

The fire did not stop when there was no bullshit left, or guilt to consume, or excuses to destroy. It raged only brighter. It warmed me. It beckoned me. This was a passion that would never burn out, or be exhausted. This passion would never leave me cold or alone. This passion could consume me whole, and in it I would find excessive amounts of joy and fulfillment and peace and love and truth and beauty. I was made for this fire. Before I was born, I was made for this fire. Every step has led me to this fire. As the knowledge rained down from my head to my heart, it took root and began to burn. And I knew with every fiber of my being, I was made for this fire. It and I are a perfect fit. And it wants me. And I realized, as the heat in my chest grew, that I wanted it more than anything. There is no looking back. There is no yesterday. There is only the fire. It wants all of me and I want all of it.

I don't entirely understand what I am about to say next, only that I know its true and sounds entirely too manga for my comfort. But I didn't choose the fire. The fire chose me.  He chose me. And now my heart is filled to bursting (and my eyes with grateful tears) with the knowledge that we will never have to part. We will be together forever, God and I. And the passion, the fire, will never dim but grow brighter as the years stretch on, and give more than I could ever dream. And the passion, the fire, will change me as it rages ever brighter, burning away the chaff and refining the gold to make me ever more like my truest Love.

And that is where the words run out.

Day Thirty Nine - Clarity

Clarity can come at the strangest times. It can come during a nap. It can come during a loss while playing Halo online. It can come during a win while playing Halo online. It can come in the middle of the night. It can come first thing in the morning. It can come as your lips touch another's sweetly. It can come while filling out spread sheets. It can come walking out of a movie. Clarity comes at all times, it does not discriminate. Tonight, I received clarity. In spades.

Love is a tricky thing to get clear. And I don't make it any easier. I'm like the ancient Greeks on steroids, I have about a bajillion different types of love. Brotherly love (for both inside the blood family and outside, looking at you Honky), protective love, loyalty love, friendship love, amorous love, sparkly love, complete love (nieces and nephews mostly for this one), and those are just the ones off the top of my head. But sometimes the wires cross, and I have a hard time telling them apart. That's when I get into trouble.

But lately, a love stronger than all of these has been stewing deep within my heart, and came raging to the surface today. It has many a controversial thought, and many a controversial reasoning. To be put simply it is this: I love Christ most of all and He is my passion and joy. This, of all things, we must both hold true. This is what must unite us, for this is the only bond that does not let go. THAT is my truth. And THAT is my ever stronger conviction. Today, it blazed from my chest, cementing itself into unshakable certainty.

That was my clarity. My bright shining moment of truth. And I took it. And I hold to it like a man drowning holds a lifeline. It will guide me in the coming months of change. It will hold me where I need to be and push me to where I may be hesitant to go. And I thank God for it, for it will save me from many places I do not wish to go. And take me to many places I'd have never been without it.

And so my prayer tonight is this: clarity, stay with me. Do not slip away as you have been known to do. Stay strong and stay bright. Do not leave me in the coming night and be hazy in the morning. Burn in my chest, and do not let me rest until I have found another that holds you as dear as I do.