Day 458 - Talking Donkeys

I got fired. Not for anything I did, or didn't do. That was made clear. But because my personality just wasn't as 'bubbly' as what they were wanting. I can't argue with that. Despite the fact that pregnancy has made me a much nicer person, in general. Well, at least more 'girly' according to most. And definitely more feminine. If this isn't 'bubbly' enough for them, I'm never going to be. And I'm okay with that.

I was incredibly thankful for my job, and would have never quit. But honestly, I cried in relief when I found out I didn't have to go in Monday morning. Not because I hated my job, or because it was torture, but because I am so tired. Because I have been desperate for more time with my husband, and time to catch up on my pregnancy. It's been a month since I've read any articles about what is happening to my body and my baby. 

And sure, part of me wants to panic because we needed that job and now I'm unemployed, 4 months pregnant, and it's a week before Thanksgiving. But I'm not going to. And here's why. 

I was talking to my mom about it this morning, and she said, "Well it sounds to me like a talking donkey."

"Say what?"

"You would have never quit that job. And they didn't fire you because of job performance, but what sounds like a highly personal issue that had little to do with you. It was for a time, and when the time was over, God intervened because He knew you'd never quit. He's changing your course."

I thought it over for a few moments, and she had a point. This was a talking donkey. Not that I was doing something wrong, but that it was time to make another change. I may be rather limited for my next options, as I'm limited in a 'physical labor' aspect and by 'physical labor' I mean standing more than fifteen minutes at a time. But I'm excited for what comes next. Nothing about what we learned during my extended unemployment has changed. God always provided. It was extraordinarily tight sometimes, but we made it. Being pregnant does not change who God is or how He loves us. 

So Anthem and I are just looking forward, because the next step is right around the corner, and in the mean time I get to enjoy this wonderful holiday season with my new family and sleep in and clean my house and catch up on reading and crochet my little heart out. And frankly: I've never been more excited or happier in my life. 

And because I'm pregnant, that thought makes me a little teary. But I think Paul knew what it felt like, even if he wasn't raging on hormones. The peace that passes understanding. Being excited about being in a tight place because you just know deep down in your heart that it's the right thing and that it's not up to you and all you have to do is trust, let go of what you never had a hold of, and look forward. Because I am. 

Day 457 - Texas, Home Sweet Home

Yesterday my mom ran into one of my old teachers. They talked about a lot, though I did come up. The teacher said she had heard I was pregnant, and she was happy for me. I know the teacher. She's just saying that. She always wanted 'great' things for me, and being a pregnant worship leaders wife working as a patient coordinator in a dermatologists office, regardless of how ridiculously happy I am, would not qualify as 'great'.

I'm not sure what 'great' is. When I was in high school I thought it was becoming a lawyer. When I was in college I thought it was any high powered job that would make a for a fast paced career, or at least a big move in my life that had me doing once in a lifetime stuff that took a lot of bravery even if it meant a lot of ramen noodles. What I've come to realize about most of these ideas of 'great' that were floating around in my head were of me as single, self sufficient, and far too busy for 'love' or if I had to endure such a thing, 'love' that was always on the back burner. And kids... kids seemed like a failure that one must endure if one feels obligated to.

I'm overjoyed about being pregnant, even with all of the sickness and not being flush with money. I love my husband more than I have words to express, and am happier with my life than I could have ever imagined. I adore my unborn child and can't believe I'm so blessed as to be making children, and soon to be raising children, with Anthem. I love our tiny apartment. I love what I've learned about money through poverty. I even love my job, though I'll probably love it more when I'm not sleeping so much that I have little life outside of it.

Missing the cold of Iowa while getting used to the warmth of my new home has led me to remember more than usual. And be thankful. There was so much negativity in Iowa. Life was such a struggle. I had a lot to learn, and I'm thankful for all I went through, though I wish I hadn't put myself through quite so much. Alas. I don't know. I don't mean to be mean, but tonight when I took a shower all I could think of was washing all of that off of me for good.

I'm a Texan now. This is my home. And while I will forever mock Texans about their lack of ability to function under 40 degrees, and try my hardest to make sure my children have midwestern accents, I love it here. I love that we hardly even listen to the Supreme Court here because we're Texas and we do whatever we please. I love that we all have guns. I feel safer because we all have guns. I love that we asked our neighbors to chill out on the smoking because I'm pregnant and THEY DID IT. For real. They cut down on their smoking indoors and now go out to their cars. Because they're nice people. Because they're Texans.

I'm a pregnant, worship leader's wife, working as a patient coordinator in a dermatologists office, living in a tiny apartment in Texas and I am doing something great. I am living my life. Not the life anyone else had planned for me. Not the life I had planned. But the life I was given an opportunity to explore and run with and enjoy each and every moment with the greatest man I've ever met. That life. That life is great.

Day 456 - The Best Part

Update on the pregnancy: I'm on medication to keep food down as it was getting to a dangerous level of losing my meals. Which is great. I can keep food down, and feel much better most nights.

But today's post only has a small amount to do with pregnancy and a large amount to do with marriage. I know I'm still a newly wed, but I think we have our own brand of wisdom. Maybe not compared to those who have 10-60 years under their belt, but learning is learning and I wish I had known some things when I was single.

I thought I knew what I was 'waiting' for. I didn't. It's so much better. For example:

1) Every date night ends with you going home with your hottie. Every. Single. One.

2) Because of #1 - date nights usually don't end until you actually fall asleep, in bed, in whatever it is you wear to bed, wrapped around a hottie.

3) He doesn't mind when you get knocked up with his kid. In fact, he's over the moon about it. Because he always wanted kids with you. It's why he waited until your wedding night to make love to you. Because he respected you, even then, as the mother of his children.

4) Every day is an adventure. Today I came home and my husband was composing. It was awesome. Some days we do just lie in bed for the evening but that's just because I'm pregnant, exhausted, and often nauseated. But even our errand days are amazing because we spend them together.

5) You get out of yourself. I get tired of my own voice in my head. Anthem brings me clarity in ways I yearned after for years. He helps me cut through the nonsense, not by focusing on it or me, but by drawing my focus away from myself.

6) You get out of yourself. I really cannot stress that enough. It's glorious.

7) It's 10x easier to try new things when the greatest person you've ever known is holding your hand and doing it with you.

8) Love isn't always unrequited. There's a lot more... tempestuous and heady emotion during the highs and lows of crushes and infatuations and unrequited love and all it's drama. But when the person smashing himself against you loves you as deeply as you love him... well it's like breathing deeply for the first time of your favorite scent.

9) There is something deeply satisfying about being known intimately. There are things about me, and I'm not even talking about intimate things, that only Anthem knows. Because only Anthem bothered to find them out.

10) Stretching yourself feels good. Stretching yourself frees you. The more you do it, the easier it is. The first time Anthem wanted me to watch an anime series with him, I honestly thought, "Oh great. A guy who watches cartoons in his mid twenties. Awesome." Note: if that isn't dripping with sarcasm, you're reading it wrong. However, knowing how intelligent he was, I chose to grudgingly give it a try. And I fell in love. It's my favorite anime series to this day. The Last Airbender in case you were curious. Seriously. Not the movie, that was awful. The cartoon. So good. Anyway. I discovered that anime is a fantastic medium to express depth of emotion and creativity. (For depth of emotion try Full Metal Alchemist. That is heavy and makes you want to cry.) For creativity, Howl's Moving Castle. Beautiful. It's not about being a twenty something that still watches cartoons. It's about being wise enough to embrace all art forms, even those that are judged as childish.

There's a lot more. But that's all I have the energy for tonight. Ladies... don't chase the emotions. Men... don't chase drama queens. Steady love is just as exciting, I promise.

Day 455 - The Pregnancy Diaries

By the time you're reading this, I'll have written it about three months ago. The first trimester is something that Anthem and I are keeping for close family and friends. But I want to document it, for me. For us. For our child. So I'm just writing down all the things that have happened the last week and a half.

Sept 13: Anthem and I find out we're pregnant. And I take 3 tests just to make sure. 

Sept 14-15: We tell our family and listen to many women scream in gleeful excitement. It's incredibly encouraging, and very emotionally draining. 

Sept 16: I get hired at my new job, and have a doctor's appointment to confirm pregnancy. 

Sept 17: Morning sickness and extreme fatigue kick in. 

Sept 22: The couple we asked to be our child's godparents accepted. 

So we're at September 24th right now, and I love the baby growing inside me. I love learning about it, and planning with Anthem. I love that Anthem talks to the baby already. I love that Anthem is so incredibly kind, considerate, and helpful.

I hate pregnancy. I loathe everything about it. I hate being sick all the time. I hate dry heaving in the morning because there is nothing in my stomach to throw up. I hate feeling like I'm going to lose what little I was able to eat whenever I get tired, and I am tired all the time. I hate being tired all the time and asking James to do every single thing around the house because I just can't get up. I hate going to bed at 8pm every night because I'm exhausted. I hate that my boobs are so sensitive, they hurt if the wind blows them wrong. I hate the headaches. I hate the constant emotions that make me want to cry. 

Like when our dear friends agreed to be the godparents of our new child. I about burst into tears. Or when I couldn't keep dinner down and burst into tears. Or when Anthem texts me to tell our baby that he loves it and I burst into tears because knowing Anthem is going to be the greatest father I could possibly imagine and nothing moves me more than knowing that my children will be so loved and cared for by their father. By my husband. Whose life has already changed due to their tiny little appearance. 

I mean good tears. But lots of them.

The bottom line is that it's nothing like what I expected. I love Haven, but I'm not crazy about what that little one is doing to my body, my hormones, or my energy levels. Puking up dinner doesn't make the miracle of life any less miraculous. It just makes it a bit more... human.

Let me finish with this statement: I'm never whining about periods ever again. 

Day 454 - Ode to 4:16am

The alarm goes off but I don't hear it. But I hear the door as you slip outside. I've still got a few minutes.

The sheets cool off as I try to curl into them and trap your heat. It escapes anyway. 

I hear the door again. I feel your arms around me, and wrap mine around you, and tuck my head into you.

And then you're gone. 

And I can't sleep. 

It wasn't always like this. In the beginning, it was my favorite part of the night. No longer fighting you for my designated foot of space. No longer overheated by your furnace of a body. No longer worrying if my tossing and turning will wake you. No longer fighting you for the covers you like to throw off and get tangled in. 

But now... unless we're tangled or touching I can't get comfortable. Now I need your heat to balance out my stolen blankets. Now I need to be fighting for my foot, and tucked into you, to feel comfortable. You keep me still. Now...

The house is too quiet. The sheets are too cold. I've got far too much room to get comfortable. It's a useless fight. So it's my wake up time too.

Around 6, when the sun starts to come up, and the birds start to move, and it's not so quiet, and it's not so cool, I can finish the night. A last hour or two. 

That's why I'm so tired in the mornings. I haven't been up as long as you, or working. But I'm still pretty beat. It's my morning routine. Missing you. 

Day 453 - It Isn't Always Overnight

Life takes time. No matter how much you do, there is always more. No matter how wise you become, there is always more wisdom to be obtained. There is no rushing it. It goes on, and we go with it, changing every moment. Hopefully for the better.

In this instant gratification world we live in every moment is filled and every meal needs to be 30 minutes or less and change needs to be NOW. Instant.

But... despite our obsession with instant, some things are going to take a little (or a lot) of time and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. And most of the things that take time are very much worth it. And every moment doesn't need to be filled with something taking my attention.

Which leads me to two conclusions we (as a couple) have come to in the past few days.

1) No more Netflix. Anthem and I have both felt convicted separately that it's time for it to go. We have to much we need to be doing and it's too easy to just turn it on and let it play. No more. It's time to retrain the brain to function without background noise (or at least as much of it). And this too will take time. It will not be an overnight transformation, but a small step in a direction we know we need to go. And we're not sure what it will look like as it goes on - I can't plan it - it takes time.

2) Some foods need time too. Not all meals can be made in 30 minutes or less. I love onion soups. I love them. But they need time. You can't just whip one of those up or your soup will taste like raw onion (which is tasty, but not in a soup). So I took the time to make a creamy onion soup. It was delicious. And it took almost two hours. And that's okay.

So... change doesn't happen overnight (all the time). And just because our society is a certain way, doesn't mean that life changes to match it. I really just want you to know that its okay to slow down. I needed to know that too.

Day 452 - When God Says "No"

For those of you that know me, when I refer to my three years of stupidity, you know what I'm talking about. For those of you that don't, I have zero intention of ever telling you because unlike some, I am not proud of my stupidity, let alone that it lasted for 3 years. What it was about is totally unimportant. What I want to bring up today is the endless sea of frustration that I lived in. To be clear: it was entirely my fault. Entirely. 

I kept asking God for the same thing, over and over and over and over. For 3 very long, confusing years, all I heard was 'No'. Which... in hindsight, isn't all He was saying. It was all I was hearing. In fact, He was saying something much closer to, "No, I have something better for you. It's just not time yet." And had I heard, and held onto that truth, then those 3 years could have been filled with a lot more productivity on my part.

I got myself started in a similar cycle just a few weeks ago. For 5 months now I've been asking God to provide me with a job, and have been applying my brains out, and I've started calling back and am now started with a temp agency to try and get something started. Two weeks ago, I was pretty much close to tears whenever I thought about it. Anthem and I are as broke as I have ever been in my life, which... is a separate post about why I'm thankful for it (even while we work to get out of it) and what I've learned from it. I was close to tears because I was so frustrated. I'm doing everything I know to get hired, I'm applying everywhere I can think of, and still coming up empty.

But I'm not going to make the same mistake I did before, and beat my head against the wall. Because I'm starting to believe that God never says, "No." I don't think He usually explains Himself, because He doesn't. But on top of remembering that God is good, all good things come from Him, and that He is neither spiteful, vengeful, or impotent, I find it useful to remember that a) all things work together in His time, not ours and b) there is no 'down time'. God doesn't waste time. If it's not time for me to be employed, if I haven't learned enough pounding the pavement, if I haven't spent enough time with Anthem, or any other reason that now may not be the time to get a job (though I will continue praying that it is) doesn't mean that it's time to get lost or frustrated or stop trying or stop living and learning. It's not the persistence that was the problem in the past, it was refusing to use the time for His glory while I waited. So I keep myself occupied (which isn't hard. Today is the first day I've just sat down as I haven't been feeling great) while I keep trying and applying and waiting and hoping and make sure I don't stop living and learning and growing.

So I'm going to remember that the last time God seemed to refuse my request, it's because He had something far better in mind, and do my best to stick it out in patience and faith. Because God is good, and like any good parent, He only says 'No' for our good.

Day 451 - Work Out Your Salvation

For the past few months, the verse Philippians 2:12-13 has been going through my mind at random times.

"Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure."

I think I often forget just how much grace is involved in my salvation. And how much change is necessary. God invites us as we are, but for our good and His glory, will not let us remain the same. It helps to remind me that our walk is not something that we start when we begin to walk with Jesus and never work on again until we die, but something that we work out day by day, for God works in us. Our walk needs daily course correction. Sometimes hourly. God is not a God to be taken lightly, even as He showers us with grace and makes us heirs. He is not to be dismissed. It is a covenant, and while permanent, needs constant tending by both parties. 

The same is true of marriage. I love my husband deeply, and have no doubt that our marriage is permanent. But it would be foolish to think that once we got married, and swore to be there forever, that our marriage would be smooth sailing from that point on and really didn't need anymore work. I love how one covenant teaches me about the other, and how I've come to appreciate both more fully. 

The other day we were out working together, and it was hot, and I had drastically underestimated the task, so we were going to be out in the heat for a very, very long time. Anthem was pretty upset. He wasn't going to leave and make me do it by myself, but he was not happy. I had to take more breaks than he did, as I am not used to this Texas level heat. No, Iowa, it's not the same. I said that in the beginning, I was wrong. It's hotter here. But together, we kept on. And it got easier, much easier as the day went on. We were talking, even having a bit of fun together, and just toughing it out. And suddenly, we were done for the day. And that's when something spectacular happened. 

Anthem came up, hugged me, and immediately began to pray. "God, I'm sorry. You have entrusted me with Your daughter and I did not encourage her today. But she toughed it out with me anyway, and kept a positive attitude. Lord, I thank you for her." And he kissed me on the forehead and apologized to me. I was pretty much moved to tears at his humility and strength. 

We've been married for a little over 5 months, and have apologized to each other quite a number of times. We've also prayed over each other... a lot. Just a lot. We've stopped to take time to repeat how thankful we are for each other, both when we're feeling it, and when we're angry or hurt. We do something to course correct our marriage, whether it be our own emotions and attitudes, our behavior toward each other, our long and short term life goals, our spending habits (and saving habits and our need and wants lists), our prayers, and a whole host of other things as we grow together as one at least everyday, and sometimes a whole lot more often than that. We work it out, and are ridiculously happy doing so. It's not always easy, but never once would I think that it's not worth it. It's even gotten easier as we go along. It's much easier now than it was in the first week when we still knew each other so little. 

I think the same thing goes with God. I don't give Him nearly as much attention as I do my husband, which is sad but true. And will probably always be true. But when we talk, and I apologize (only works one way in this particular relationship) and we work together, not only does our relationship improve, but my life does too. In the same way that when Anthem and I work it out, our marriage improves and so does our life because the two cannot really be separated. I have no life outside of my marriage. And any idea that I have a 'life outside of my faith' is false. They are all intertwined too much, woven into each other and layered. 

So just... remember with me. That course correction is essential, healthy, and just in case you're still buying into all that our society has to say about marriage does not make you weak because proving your dominance in marriage is a really good way to be miserable. So I'm just going to say it and accept any backlash I may get. Compromising has made me a better woman. For the sake of not being willfully misunderstood, my husband often compromises and will watch a movie I want to, or eat noodles again because he loves me deeply. But being considerate of another human being (especially one that is almost always right, which often means that I am wrong when we bump heads) has made me a better woman. Regardless of how stubborn I am (which is really, really stubborn) and how often I think I am right (which is a number highly inflated by my ego) the fact remains that thinking of another person, that compromising, and sometimes even just straight up letting the other person have their way makes us all better people. 

And can help teach us the humility (and by God's grace, grace and patience) to submit (not compromise, submit) to God's will. To seek His, and accept His instead of mine. The longer I'm married, the more I understand my faith. Guess that's why He used marriage as a metaphor so often. 

Day 450 - My Husband, Who Doesn't Read

So, when Anthem and I were dating (which, as most of you know, was a bit of a fiasco) we once got into a massive argument about reading. I wanted a man who would, at least once a year, read through a favorite book of mine and write in the margins and give it to me for Christmas. It sounded so romantic to me! And Anthem was straight up, "That is not me. That is probably never going to be me. Are you going to learn an instrument and write me an album every year? Of course not, and I don't expect you to." Needless to say, I threw a fit, and he was right. Remember yesterday when I blogged about single culture? Add to the list of things that needs to be revised is 'weird expectations based loosely on film and cultural ideas of romance that are actually self absorbed demands so that we feel better about ourselves' cause that's what that was. 

I realized, with a little help and prayer, that Anthem was (and is) exactly what I needed. Reader or not, he's incredibly intelligent and we spend many a road trip discussing little more than science, fiction, science fiction, and fantasy. It's... pretty much the best. And I absolutely adore him for it. His lack of obsession with books has really opened my eyes to a whole other side of intelligence, to creativity, to imagination, to *gasp* interaction with the real world. 

Now that we've got that established, I have actually been rather lax about reading and/or straight up not doing it for years now. I was once an avid reader, and I have wanted to be again for a long time. The only problem is that I sort of lost my taste for fiction. When I do read, I read philosophy, theology, and history. All of which are great, but none of which truly propelled me back into 'avid reader' status. I read books every once in a great while. 

Until my non-reading husband changed all that. And to be clear, it's not that Anthem is against reading, far from it. It's just that because of the way his brain is wired, reading is difficult as it requires mental energy to focus in just one place for extended periods of time, and often requires quite a bit of stillness. Neither of which come easy to him, especially outside of worship. And that's when he had the genius idea of audio books. Every morning he goes to work at 4am for roughly five hours. He was desperate for something to keep his attention while he was sorting boxes. So we went to the library to pick out an audio book and see how he liked it. Well. He loved it and asked me to go to the library to get more so he wouldn't run out. Since then, he's been blasting through books. 2-3 a week. 

On top of which, they have him so lively, and so inspired, that it overflows. He just has to talk to me about all that's going on in the book worlds. And one series he loved so much that he insisted I start reading it, and that we buy all the hardback copies of it because it's going to be a favorite of our children. 

I'm in love. The series is called "The Chronicles of the Imaginarium Geographica" and has 7 books, the last of which comes out this November. It is truly one of the best series I've ever read, or at least so far it is. I'm only on book two. But I felt something inside click last night when I could hardly put the book down and go to sleep. I knew that my husband, who is not an avid reader, had gone and reignited the spark in me to become one again. 

Just goes to show you, I guess. 

Day 449 - Single Culture

I don't miss being single. I don't miss being single at all. Nothing about single life is appealing to me. Now, to those of you who are single: I'm not saying singleness is something to get out of as soon as possible, because it's not. I'm saying I wish I had known, when I was single, that singleness is a culture. THE culture in America. At least in my experience. Allow me to elaborate.

About half of the American population is married (over 18 population) and significantly more than that are living together romantically. And yet, marketing is for singles. "Aha!" You might say, "It is not so!" (BTW - right now, you're faking a British accent) "I have seen the commercials! I have seen the ads! They are for families! Ho!" And hey, maybe you're right. Anthem and I don't have TV (we use netflix mostly) because we don't see the need to pay for channel flipping and a commercial overload, so my knowledge of commercials may be old. But I remember (and have blogged in the past) about how our society is completely consumed with the idea of idiot fathers/husbands and controlling mothers/wives. "But again!" You say, "Families!" 

To that I say, "Bullshit." Look at those commercials. Those aren't for families. Those are for single people with a ring on their finger. Those families are not teams. They are individuals living under the same roof, buying into the lie that their spouse is supposed to make them happy and when that doesn't work - something is wrong with the spouse, not the system. Look closely at those commercials. They portray (and sell to) people whose normal, everyday life, is absolutely miserable. Because everything being sold is to make you less miserable. 

Men - buy NFL Sunday Ticket so you can have your guy friends over and completely ignore your wife and family and be a messy slob who doesn't do anything but watch sports. Because isn't that what all men want? To pretend they're frat boys?

Women - buy these cleaning supplies! Because God knows your husband isn't going to help you clean up, or your miserable, bratty children either. Also - be skinny. NOT for your husband, that's a laugh, no one loves him, especially not you. No, do it so you can FLIRT WITH THE POOLBOY AND FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF. 

Okay, so maybe my tendency to scream at the commercials is another reason why we don't have TV. The point remains. Our entire culture is saturated in single. 

Thing is... Anthem and I are no longer part of that culture. And I swear to you, we are so much happier because of it. Marketing aside (really, I mean it) single culture is exhausting. Flirting, wondering if he likes you, wondering if he's commitment material, how far is too far, I just want to go on a date, the entire bar scene, trying to be available without being too available because what if your grandma is right and being too smart means that you'll be forever alone because boys are intimidated by smart women, and the list goes on for literally ever. It's. Exhausting. It's also bullshit. But its almost impossible to see it when you're in it. 

*Sigh* so much so that it's difficult to explain. So instead, I'm going to focus on what it's like outside of it. 

1) Outside of it, I get to enjoy who I am. "Sure," you think, "Because Anthem loves you for who you are. That's why I'm trying so hard to get someone!" Not exactly. I get to enjoy who I am because I no longer care about 'getting someone'. The more I am myself, the easier I am to be around. That's just logic. 

2) We're a team. He is not an idiot and I am not controlling. He is the leader, but is wise enough to not try and do everything himself. For instance, it is well known that I am the keeper of the checkbook. Because out of the two of us, I'm the best for the job. He's still the leader. 

3) You suffer and joy together. He helps me with the chores I'm not a huge fan of, because doing it together makes it easier. We share the things we LOVE together, and it is all the more joyous because it is shared. 

4) You stop listening to the world to a large extent, and as you do, the silly voices become quieter and quieter and you begin to realize how enormously stupid they always have been. You stop caring about what the world thinks of you, or your marriage and just let it be. You stop wondering how you must look to the outside. You stop waiting for the other shoe to fall. You start becoming aware that you'll never, ever fully know your spouse and that's really okay. Maybe it's even a wonderful thing. You start doing things as one, instead of just together, and begin to understand the difference. You realize that everyone who makes jokes about marriage being miserable makes you sad because you aren't, even though it seems to be the 'fad' to be miserably married. You start to realize that the entire time you were single you were really, really selfish. You begin to realize that you can't become a better person by yourself. 

5) You begin to understand what Paul was talking about. Despite what the culture around you says, being married is a hell of a lot easier than being single. At least it is for us. And for our friends. 

All in all... Single culture sucks. And I'm glad we're not in it anymore. And to be honest, we're working to stay out of it. Which means that most of our closest friends are married. The ones who are single are really very mature. (I'm looking at you, Miss Erica.) Anyway, my prayer for you single ladies (especially, though you guys as well) is to blessed enough to see outside of the culture you're immersed in. And maybe, if we all stop acting like 'culturally acceptable' (Christian or not, virgin or not, promise ring or not, we all still act like single people) single people, we'll all be a lot less miserable. 

Day 448 - Never Have I Ever

The week before my wedding I was on the phone with my brother. It was 11pm and he was beyond upset with me. I was beyond frustrated with him. In case you didn't know, my brother was not happy about my marriage to Anthem. It was not what he wanted for me. It was not what he wanted from me. We were arguing. I said, "I don't care if you don't approve. Mom does, and she knows me a hell of a lot better than you. She supports me."

He said, "Of course she does. She'd support you in anything. She's supporting you now. It's pathetic. You're what, twenty five? And you've never even had a real job."

I hung up on him. He didn't know what he was talking about. I had worked hard, wherever I could find work, for years trying to work my way up. I had two jobs at the time, one professional, one retail, though I had to quit both when I moved to Texas. And I've blogged a few times about the physical/spiritual journey that is the job hunt down here. At first, I wanted a job that would make Anthem proud. I didn't want to work in a grocery store or retail. I was afraid Anthem would be ashamed of having a wife in a position like that. I know better now. Anthem values a wife that works for her family (as I have been, though technically unemployed) and a wife that finds value in herself - he does not assign me value based on what position I hold in a company. That was revolutionary to me. Due to the influence of my (wonderful, though flawed) father and (work in progress) brother, I had always assumed that I had to have a position to be proud of, and that without it, no one would be proud of me, or think well of me. God bless him everyday, my amazing gift of a husband has changed that for me. He has shown me, he has taught me, that I am valuable for no other reason than who I am. And under his care and love, have blossomed into the best version of myself I have ever been. And also the truest. I am just... me.

Which is why, I've never been more proud of myself than I am today. A few days ago, a wonderful woman spent hours of her afternoon off helping me fix my resume to honestly reflect my experience and ability, and taught me how to write effective cover letters. She's amazing, and truly believes that I'll be employed in two weeks or less in a professional setting. I've been applying my brains out, and pray that she is right. It would be wonderful. As I was leaving, she asked if until I found employment, whether I would be willing to clean her house for her. As we had been talking, I had mentioned how cleaning actually calms me and helps me get settled. I said I'd love to, and I start tomorrow.

Anthem knows I took her offer to clean her house, he doesn't know I start tomorrow. And I can hardly wait to tell him because I know he'll be so proud of me. Because I genuinely enjoy cleaning. Because the pay is very good. Because we could use the extra money and because I enjoy doing anything that is good for us. Because I no longer judge people by the 'level' of employed that they are. Because I no longer judge myself by the level of employed that I am, and that's all because of Anthem.

Never have I ever liked myself more. Never have I ever been more proud of myself. Never have I ever been so happy. Never have I ever been as blessed as I am right now, to love and be loved by Anthem.

Day 447 - Not My Responsibility

I've talked a few times about how people I once counted as friends, even close friends, have refused to recognize my marriage, let alone agree to honor and protect it. Some cut themselves off from me, others required me to do the cutting. Even in the midst of all of this, I have always wanted to explain to them what I was doing and why - which, in case you were curious - has always been a fruitless endeavor.

I always felt bad about cutting them off. I didn't want them to feel abandoned by me, or (as has been known to occur) blame Anthem for my actions and think poorly of him. However, I have recently come to the conclusion that:

a) No one 'needs' me. Don't get me wrong. I love the friends I have in my life and wouldn't trade them, but I have learned that they come and go in seasons, even the ones that stick with you for life. I am not necessary to anyone's walk. 

b) While I am tired of people misunderstanding my motives, my actions, my marriage, and especially my husband, how people perceive my actions is outside of my control, and not my responsibility. 

c) What is my responsibility is guarding my marriage, honoring my husband, and being a godly wife. Doing what is best for Anthem and I, being above suspicion, and working as one are my responsibilities. I try to always make sure that everyone knows what an amazing man, and husband, Anthem is. But there is nothing I can do for those who are determined to misunderstand and slight him. 

d) I don't have to explain what I am doing or why to anyone who is not Anthem or my spiritual leaders. I do not 'owe' anyone that. My responsibility is to Anthem. Anyone that does not value, honor, and protect our marriage has lost any 'right' to anything when it comes to me. Period. 

Maybe I just needed to remind myself of all of this. I'm not even sure if this will make sense to anyone else, or that anyone else will even agree with me. And I'm okay with that. Because I know I'm doing whats best for me, and for us. And that's the only thing I am responsible for. 

Day 446 - He Loves Me Tenderly

Anthem... so many thoughts, memories, and emotions come to me just at the mention of his name. When we married, we knew we were building our marriage on a foundation of respect rather than love. But it did not take long for the love to rise up, and rise up strongly. Though, notably, the love has never outstripped the respect. They have risen like a tide together, and this has made for relatively smooth sailing in the beginning of a marriage between two people who hardly knew each other. I am absolutely floored by the grace of our God in such a precious, precious gift.

The heart of this post is summed up in three scenes from the past week. 

1: Driving home from a Soaking Sessions.

"I want to tell you something, Anthem, but you can't tell anyone else." He nodded, and I continued. "As strong willed as I am, I thoroughly enjoy the fact that you are stronger willed, and can rein me in when I need it. I just... wanted to thank you. It's much easier to be a good follower when I know I've got such a good leader."

He turned and looked at me, squeezed my hand, and said, "You know, love, its true in reverse too."

2: Home Depot Parking Lot

It is important to understand that at this point we're driving around in the truck and have plants and packages everywhere. We've been enjoying a street fair for hours and are stopping at Home Depot to pick up the supplies to properly replant the plants we purchased, one of which is on the seat divider, two are in my lap, and two are by my feet. Anthem and I are discussing the books we just purchased, and are so into the conversation that we were both hanging out the doors, unwilling to take the half a second to get out of the truck and walk around to continue it. Then, out of nowhere, Anthem says, 

"I appreciate you. I just... I have never, ever enjoyed spending time with someone as much as you. I so thoroughly enjoy you. You are cool, my love. I love you."

Obviously, I grinned, thoroughly pleased. I nodded, and said, "Ditto. So. Much. Ditto."

3: Sunday Morning

It's 7:45 am. We are both exhausted. Anthem is trying to wake up his voice as the praise team does a final rehearsal before the 8:30 service. Saturday was a blissful break from our hectic schedule, but we're both feeling the pressure as Soaking Sessions gets closer and closer to it's start date, and my job search continues fruitlessly, and Anthem works all the time, either unpaid at the church, or paid trying to make sure we can pay all our bills. I know he feels the pressure. We make eye contact and he motions for me to get his throat spray, which we usually keep in my purse so we're never without it when he needs it. However, this morning, it is absent. I've got nothing. He shrugs and mouths, "It's okay." And then tells the worship leader, "I'll just get some water." Except he doesn't have time to leave the stage. So I get up, get a cup, fill it with water, and set it near him. In the middle of a song, he takes the time to make eye contact with me, and mouth, "Thank you." And blow me a kiss. Despite everything that is going on around us, he takes the time to genuinely thank me for such a little thing. 

What has been forming in my heart all week now comes to a head: He is tender with me. His love for me is tender. His love for me is tender. I am his, and he protects me, and is kind and gentle and loves me and appreciates me. And he is mine and I respect him more than I have ever respected any man, delight in being his partner, and love him deeply. His gentle tenderness is teaching me so much about God, and how He loves. I have never, ever been loved like Anthem loves me. And none of us have ever been loved as God loves us. It's... really, really enlightening. 

Lesson: Ladies. There is a difference between mush and tenderness. Mush happens when there is a romantic light in the air and you're dancing under the stars and he whispers in your ear. (Mush can be awesome, btw, but it is no substitute for tenderness.) Tenderness is when he is constantly loving and gentle in the midst of pressure and strife and storm. Tenderness will draw you closer together when life gets rough. Mush will only last as long as the mood music does. One is a lovely treat. The other a marriage strengthener. 

Day 445 - My Marriage Isn't Trendy... Because We're One

Something happened yesterday that has me seriously saddened for the state of our culture. I realized, shockingly, that a happy marriage with respectful boundaries is, to put it quite simply, out of style. It's not popular. It's not something most people aspire to, hope for, or have any respect for in others. It... grieves me.

In fact, I was shocked to discover, it seems that it is something that is disrespected, misunderstood, and attacked.

I was talking to a dear friend about it yesterday, and she agreed with my lament. She knows of a marriage in which boundaries are not respected, neither by the spouses, nor those outside of it. The wife of said union has continued to communicate with her guy friends as if she was still single, and the guy friends continuing to communicate with a married woman without acknowledging her marriage. And it's damaging the marriage, throwing it into precarious situations so early in it's forming.

Anthem and I have set up boundaries for our marriage to protect it, to protect each other, and to protect ourselves. For that reason, we are completely transparent with each other. Our phones are used interchangeably, and unless it's 'girl stuff' (ie Erica or Emily and I talking endlessly via text) Anthem is the first to know, as it's very often an update or question that involves both of us. Most of our friends know that we use our phones interchangeably, and so if they can't get a hold of one of us, they'll text the other. Or text us simultaneously. We know each other's passwords to e-mail and facebook (and honestly are going to try to merge our personal facebooks in time), not because we need to 'check-up' on each other, but because of how we live, and what we're doing, we often need to use each other's friend lists, updates, or information.

And to my ever living, jaw dropping shock, people find that offensive. I have not yet gotten to what we ask of others in our marriage, only what we do with each other. And I have been told, multiple times, that this is offensive. Why, you might ask? I certainly did. Here is what I was told:

a) It disrespects me as an individual. Married or not, privacy is a basic right that my husband is denying me.

b) It shows a complete lack of trust on our part, and lack of respect for each other. It's co-dependency at it's worst.

c) It's a misrepresentation to our friends. They are expecting to speak to us as individuals, not a couple.

Utterly flabbergasted, I'm going to start with the basics. I'm married. We're intimate. I feel the need to clarify. Intimate does not mean sexually active. It is much, much more than that. The intimacy between a husband and a wife is... more than I had ever imagined. Because it's not just knowing each other, it's not just spending a whole lot of time together, it's not even about making children (which is an amazing, amazing thing), it's about being one. One. Not two people living together, not two people sleeping together, but two as one. As one, as our bodies are no longer our own, so it is with our things. They become ours. So, to us, it seems completely natural to share phones and accounts and computers.

To put it directly, privacy is not a right my husband is denying me. I voluntarily gave up my 'right' to privacy when I said my vows. Anthem did the same. Not because we don't trust each other, but to protect our marriage from those who don't respect it.

It is not a lack of trust on our part, nor a lack of respect, nor is it co-dependent. I trust my husband implicitly. And he trusts me. And we build that trust with transparency. To be very, very honest, it is the world we do not trust. The world we will not trust. The world we cannot trust. Which is why we set boundaries for how the world interacts with us. This protects us from a culture that does not value our marriage, seeks to destroy it rather than protect it.

It is an assumption we make with each other that our friends see us as one. I'm not expecting Erica to suddenly start texting James about how much periods suck. I am expecting her to understand if she texts me about it, and James sees it by accident and passes it to me. Or even responds with, "Hey sorry, I've got Val's phone today. You can text her on mine, or I'll forward it to her." And because Erica knows our marriage, she'd blush on the other end of the text and say, "It's cool, I understand." And she would. Not a big deal. Our family here in Texas has taken to doing much the same. If they can't get a hold of one of us, they'll text the other. Again, not a big deal, and even stranger... No one seems to think it's weird.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I'm getting very tired of having to explain things that seem very, very normal to me. Like being one with my husband. Like sharing our stuff. Like protecting our marriage. One of the safeguards we have put to practice in our marriage is to limit one-on-one contact with the opposite sex. There are exceptions to the guidelines. Our pastor sometimes texts me directly, but that's rare. It's usually just when he needs to get a hold of Anthem. And things for work are necessary. A lot of our friends are mutual, for which I am thankful. We spend time together as couples. Those that aren't, we are with together, or stick to our gender. We enjoy this (yes, we enjoy this) because it gives us freedom with each other. Because it protects us, and because it keeps us above suspicion. Everyone, everyone, knows how seriously we take our marriage. There is no room for anyone to create division, or to create suspicion.

And I'm grieved that so many of my one time 'friends' have decided that respecting my marriage is the line in the sand that they will not cross, and when I will not budge from the side of my husband, they hurl insults (usually at my husband) and walk away. I'm grieved that I was so deceived by so many. I'm grieved that our culture sees 'the retention of personal rights' as more important than a marriage. I'm grieved that marriage, the word, is no longer understood for what it is, but is just seen as something you do in a long term relationship. I'm just... grieved. Marriage, or lack thereof, has become something to do. People, spouses, have become dispensable once they no longer make you happy. I'm grieved.

And I'm done. I'll explain our marriage to anyone that asks, because I find it incredibly uplifting to hear stories of similar marriages, and love to share ours. But there is no room to tolerate anyone who is actively trying to undermine our marriage. None. And that will never, ever change.

Day 444 - Poverty

Be prepared, today's blog includes a very large amount of brutal honesty about the thing I don't like to talk about - ever. Money. And the fact that I don't have very much of it. At all. Happily, 99% of the people reading this wouldn't know that. Because our lifestyle doesn't reflect it. We eat well, we like to entertain, we have a lovely (though cheap rent!) apartment full of awesome stuff, and all of our bills are paid in full, on time.  But often times after the bills are paid, there is less than 3 dollars left in our bank account. It gets that close. 

I have no idea how it happens. Every month it looks like we're not going to make it. And every month we do. I've never been particularly pleased with the situation. I don't understand why God seems to insist on keeping us walking such a thin line. And understand, I do everything in my power to stretch every dollar as far as it will possibly go. We don't waste any money. And every month, regardless of how much James works, or how hard I look for a job and just keep running into walls, we always have just enough. God has heard a lot of prayers that were me whining, begging for financial blessing, and struggling with anger against my apparent powerlessness. Often, I have heard nothing but silence back. 

But today, He gave me a sort of brainwave as an answer. All week I've had the idea that I need to start looking for jobs again, particularly a part time job. I struggled with it a few months ago because I just couldn't take the constant rejection, the frustration. But the brainwave, the blessed, gracious brainwave, was realizing that through my poverty God has transformed my identity. 

I'm not nearly as timid as I used to be. When I first started looking for a job, James wondered why I didn't just go around literally 'pounding the pavement', aka: going around and physically handing out my resume. I thought he was insane. He wanted me to go chase rejection... in person!? I could hardly handle it over e-mail. And the one interview I had went dismally. Which, in case you were curious, was the first time I've ever not rocked an interview. Now, thinking of going around handing out my resume seems like a really good idea. Because whether or not I get any job is no longer my identity. Now, it's simply showing that I'm a go-getter. I know I'm qualified, I know I'm skilled, I know I'm loyal and dedicated, and I know I'd make an excellent employee. I also know that God has His hand on my life, every single aspect, and that if He wants me to have a job, or not have a job, I will accept His will joyfully.  

But how does this come from poverty? Valid question. Because of the realization that I am utterly powerless when it comes to God's will in my life. I've given it to Him a thousand times in prayer, and He has taken me seriously. No matter what I do, God is in charge. And because I know, in faith, that everything God does is for my good, regardless of whether or not I understand it. Because God has made sure that we are completely taken care of, no matter how bad it looked. Because I've realized that even though I am ashamed of my poverty, that it has had no bearing on how people see me, how much my husband loves me, or any other impact on my life whatsoever. It has instead made me thankful for the blessings I do have, and determined to be a faithful steward regardless of how much, or how little, money I have. 

Being jobless (and therefore having less money) has also given me the opportunity to do things other than work. I volunteer, I have time to go to a whole lot of activities, I've gotten time to find qualities in myself that I am proud of, and have found that to God and my husband, I am valuable and wonderful even if I never make another cent. My job doesn't define me. Not one little bit. And that... feels amazing. 

I've never been so thankful to have been broke. And if He's not done teaching me, then by all means let it continue. Because His grace is what matters most, and I embrace it. Even if it's in the form of poverty. 

Through my poverty, He has given me joy. God be praised. 

Day 443 - Fasting

I'm not good at fasting. For the longest time, I didn't understand fasting. Even now, just barely. On Sunday night, Anthem came to me, rather grumpily, and said, rather quietly, "I think I need to talk to you about something but I really don't want to."

I blinked. "Say what?"

He took a deep breath and slowed down, but still looked incredibly reluctant. "I think I need to talk to you about something but I really don't want to." He sighed. "I think we should fast from all visual entertainment for a week."

I nodded, "I think you're right."

"Dang it."

And so we started. And I've been loving it. We've talked more, spent more quality time together, and gotten more done than I anticipated. It's been good. We've even been sleeping better. I had anticipated most of these results.

The one I didn't anticipate was this growing thirst. Not one water can quench. But a thirst for coolness, quietness, and deep prayer. A thirst for silence. I'm starting to think that when something is always going on in front of my eyes, there is no room to thirst for something that is missing.

I always heard that fasting, especially food, is about reminding us what is of true importance, and mastering the flesh. I've never been a huge fan of fasting from food, but then again I'm not exactly healthy enough to pull it off either. But maybe... I was missing the point. Maybe the point is taking things away to be able to hear yourself, and God.

Day 442 - Changing Your Mind

As we're all aware, I have a tendency to be ridiculously stubborn. I'm starting to understand that a little bit more, because it seems that's honestly how my brain works. Not that it's an excuse, it's not. It's just that my brain gets in these ruts and it takes quite a bit of time to break it out.

Example number one: I'm not a virgin anymore. We're all aware of that too. Married about 3 months ago, I'm happily deflowered. But my brain is just now starting to let that sink in. Not even kidding. Being a virgin was so deeply rooted as part of who I was - part of how I defined myself - that changing that took months. A month after I'd been married, had someone asked me if I was a virgin my first instinct would have been to say yes, regardless of the obviousness of the 'no' answer. It took time for my brain to rewire itself and redefine itself. Granted, virginity is a crappy way to define yourself period, but a 24 year old virgin is a unicorn these days and it's hard not to feel like it's a big deal, even if you're just terrified of STD's and those clingy hormones (which are totally real).

Example number two: Being pregnant is totally okay. Let me clarify just how much single culture is terrified of pregnancy. Especially single Christian culture. Being pregnant as a single woman who identifies as a Christian is such a big NEVER, EVER, BECAUSE IF YOU DO, YOUR LIFE IS OVER AND YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO NOT HAVE 'WHORE' COUGHED AT YOU AFTER THREE YEARS OF BEING VERY, VERY ASHAMED OF YOURSELF that I, a virgin, had it rooted deeply in my subconscious that getting pregnant is terrible, should be avoided at all costs, and that it would ruin everything. After three months of being married to a devoted, kind, loving, child wanting man, I have discovered that being pregnant would be awesome! Kids! Our kids! Our beloved, hell raising, kids! That sounds fucking fantastic. (Not kidding about the fucking part, you do know how babies are made right? See how I'm working the virgin thing in here too? Ha. I'm clever. And vulgar. It happens.) Seriously. Took me THREE MONTHS to stop worrying whether or not I was getting pregnant by having sex with my husband.

I was going to write this post about how changing the way your brain works takes time, but after really thinking about it, it just makes me really ashamed of Christian culture. Virginity shouldn't define anyone. In this culture, women especially are pressured into sex before they have any real concept of its consequences. I'm far more concerned about where someone's life is headed, where their heart is, where they are in their faith walk, than if they have had sex at some point in time in their life or not. I mean honestly. Especially considering the double standard for young Christian men and women. If a man isn't a virgin, 'Well, it happens.' If a woman isn't, she's a whore. Who do you think the young Christian men are having sex with, hmmm? Let me tell you, the world isn't full of Mrs. Robinson's.

And the deep rooted fear of pregnancy is born out of this same twisted fear of not being 'pure'. Jesus made us pure, without Him, virgin or not, we're all disgusting. And pregnancy is undeniable proof that you're not a virgin. No matter how many times you swear you got pregnant in the pool.

So... don't buy into all of it. Yes. I do believe that virginity is the way to go if you can choose that. But not being one isn't the end of the world, either. And it doesn't make anyone more or less pure. Purity is a heart thing, not a vagina thing.

Neither virginity nor pregnancy is something to define you. Motherhood might be. But being a Child of the Most High is. Period.

Day 441 - The Best Answer

A few nights ago, Anthem had band practice. He had been exhausted all day (working 8 hours in a day before noon will do that to you) but all that he had requested all day was that there was something to eat when he got home from practice. He would have been happy if I had told him we had milk and cereal. Blessed man. Instead, I made him crab and yellow squash pasta with a basil garlic butter sauce. Okay, so I say it like that so it'll sound fancy. It's not hard. It was fake crab (there have been some great sales lately, and I really enjoy the taste) with some butter and old bay seasoning. It was sauteed yellow squash with some salt and a garlic herb seasoning, and a butter sauce with dried basil, a little onion powder, and some garlic. It's really, really not hard. 

As we sat down to eat a late dinner, I had a question for him. "Does it ever bother you that you never know what we're going to eat? This afternoon I didn't think to ask you, I just made potatoes and pork chops."

He looked at me like I was a little crazy. "It doesn't bother me at all to always have delicious meals placed in front of me. This pasta? This is fantastic love, thank you."  And he emptied the plate. At the end he said, "I want more. No, that's not true. I wish my stomach was bigger so I could eat more because that was so delicious."

Best answer he could have given. I would not have minded if he had said, "You know, I'd really appreciate a little more x, y, and z in our diet." In fact, I would have gladly jumped on it. Instead, he told me how much he appreciated having me cook him food when we got hungry. 

The next day, he took it one step further. We were out running errands and chatting in the car, and he told me once again how much he appreciated all that I do. He doesn't have to worry about money. Every bill is pain in full, on time. Every meal is delicious. (That's not true, but I appreciated the thought.) The house is clean and kept. And I plan for our future as much as possible. He said it's a huge weight off his mind to just not have to worry about any of that stuff. 

And I appreciate, so much, how hard he works to provide for us as I'm still looking for work. (Looking like I found something though, details later!) And so I make sure that every penny is used wisely. It means the world to me when he tells me how much he appreciates me. I should really tell him how true it is, how much I appreciate him, more often. 

His humility and appreciation are more than I could have asked for. And because of them, I know we're going to be good for a very long time. 

  

Day 440 - I Highly Recommend It

I was on facebook today and was added as a friend by an old friend. He inquired as to why we weren't friends on facebook, and I informed him it was because of his frequent neglect of facebook for months or years at a time. He then asked me how married life was treating me, and I responded that it was excellent and I highly recommend it. And I do. Especially for him.

Because marriage (can be, depending on who is doing the marrying) is very useful for getting outside of yourself. And getting over yourself. I've noticed that I don't post as much 'insightful' posts on here, and it's not because of lack of time. It's because I don't analyze my life so darn much. Which is great for you, because this blog is going to keep going until we hit 1,000 darn it, which is looking like it's going to take a number of years at this point. Which will be really, really fun to look back on later for me. And hey, if you stick around that long, I'll throw us all a party. Though only if you all start commenting on stuff. It's not a friggen diary.

Anyway. Marriage really takes you out of yourself. I'm assuming parenthood does it even more. And of course, you have to be willing. There will always be people who will not change in a marriage, and will be the poorer for it. There will always be selfish spouses, selfish parents. I am thankful I am not married to a selfish spouse, and strive not to be one.

Just... understand that marriage is not for when you 'get your shit together'. Let me tell you how much Anthem and I did not have our shit together when we got married and still don't. It's called life, and right about the time you get it figured out, you die. So stop. Just stop. I'm not telling all those young teens out there to get married either. That's also a bad idea.

It's different for everyone, and you have to follow your heart and your gut and your soul and a little bit your brain. I don't care what society says - marriage is awesome. And it has undeniably made me a better person, and is undeniably making me a better person. Not just a better wife, but a better woman.

So... this whole marriage thing - I highly recommend it.

Day 439 - To Live Fully

I've been incredibly convicted lately. My lifestyle is indulgent, selfish, uncaring, lacking compassion, passionless, and frankly unhealthy. And there is nothing I can do about it by thinking about it, or by changing my heart to get results, or anything else that is not doing. I know I've said it before, but I am not ashamed of this. I am grateful that God has not given up on me.

I am incapable of change. I will always drift toward the indulgent. I can try and make rigid rules, but when in crisis I will indulge. I will feel trapped, and no real change will occur. I've tried that. Unsuccessfully. For a couple of years now. Marrying Anthem didn't change who I was... and I didn't consciously know that I thought it would. But being Anthem's wife does make it easier to change, because he encourages me to be happy, healthy, selfless, and active. And as I've let it sink in, and slowly become really ready to let God change me from the outside in - yes, you heard that right - changing how I feel, what I value, where my thoughts are, where my heart is, by doing what I know is right, what is good, what is healthy, what is loving, what is selfless, regardless of what I feel like doing at the time. Last night, I set my mind toward it.

And then last night, I didn't sleep for crap. Not having Anthem next to me at night... is awful. So I woke up a little late, and pretty groggy. But I wasn't going to let it stop me. I drank a whole bunch of water (which is more difficult in the early morning than you'd think, btw) and started with some stretches. Took my multivitamin, made some tea, and started breakfast. I was feeling good, though a little stiff. And then a wave of unpleasantness started. Extreme nausea, sharp headache, severe body aches. I'm a total wimp when it comes to feeling sick. I know my body and all of the ways in which it is deficient, and none of these symptoms felt like normal. Something inside of me told me that something else was going on. It had nothing to do with the tea, the water, the multivitamin, or the breakfast. Because when I prayed, everything went to a manageable level. Not gone, but manageable.

And while I've been writing this, God has revealed to me why - because He is using my weakness to strengthen my (pretty much nonexistent) self control. Because I resolved to all of this regardless of how I'm feeling. And that needs to start now, or I will always find an excuse not to do something because of how I feel - whether its emotional or physical. I still need to do it. God and I are both tired of my bullshit. And these minor aches and pains aren't going to stop me.

Living fully looks different for everyone. What I am called to do probably isn't what you are called to do. And as previously discussed, I often feel silly about what God is calling me to do. But its my task, and He loves me, and I'm going to do it, regardless of how silly I feel.

Day 438 - Serve The Stranger

Anthem has been gone for about two days now. It sucks. I miss him like crazy. But I'm thankful for the time alone, because God has been using it to speak to my heart. Rather loudly, now that I think about it.

Truthfully, I've been being selfish. I've been acting primarily on feelings. And I've been rather completely wrapped up in the inner workings of my own mind. Which frankly has led me to be cranky, unpredictable (not the good kind), and often feeling a bit down. Which is highly unfair to Anthem.

I've repented to God, and apologized to Anthem, and felt something inside of me changing. And then tonight, as I was dwelling on it while cleaning up the kitchen and the words 'serve the stranger' started to echo in my mind. Which could not be more true. While Anthem is my husband, who I do indeed love very much, in all truth he is also very much a stranger. I like to forget that. We were having a conversation the other day, about his past, and it dawned on me all over again that this man, as amazing and wonderful as he is, is still a stranger to me.

I see now that I've tried been guilty of trying to turn us into something we're not - a married couple that has known and loved each other for years. I want to believe that his heart is full of me, that I'm his reason for living, etc. Which is sort of ridiculous. Please, do not misunderstand. Anthem loves me very much, of that I have no doubt. He is loyal, faithful, honest, kind, and hardworking. He is far more selfless than I.

What we have is a far greater opportunity than a couple who married for love. We have an opportunity to show something unique to the world - selfless serving. Anthem and I have already noticed that marriage has made us better people, better Christians. There is a freedom in marriage, a grace to it, that is unparalleled. God has truly blessed us both in it.

Truly, to serve Anthem is to be the best of me. To not be afraid. To not worry. To not be dictated by changing emotions, or by selfish sulking. To embrace each day, to be vibrantly alive. To not be so anxious. To read, to pray, to worship, to create, to be active, to love. To be open. And to be joyously accepting of my part in all this. It is not as the center of Anthem's universe, but as his very committed helper. He told me the other day that while I didn't inspire him like he knew I wished I did, I was very much his safety, and that was something he very much needed. "The commitment we have made to each other makes us more suited to each other than anyone else we might ever encounter." And he's right. Love, true love, deep love, love that lasts a lifetime, takes time. And it's been two and a half months. What is important, right now, is the commitment we made. Is the relationship we have - what we are becoming as we come together.

I love my husband, and want to be a better wife each day. And can't if I keep trying to make myself believe that this is any relationship other than ours. If I refuse to embrace the beauty of what we are, of who we are, of what we've made. So, as love keeps growing, I will continue to serve the stranger.

Day 437 - Because We're Besties

Because I respect Anthem's manhood - I do not refer to him as my bestie. That being said - he totally is. And... the best part of that is that I know he feels the same way about me. See, there is this moving job he might get - it's still a might - but it's taking this copier from Temple, TX to New Jersey. One man job. And his first thought is, "I'm totally taking my wife."

I know we're still newly weds, but we do enjoy each other's company so much that we want to take that trip together. Just a road trip - a grueling one, admittedly - but a road trip with each other. That sounds AWESOME.

I don't know how other couples do it, and honestly don't care because we do what's best for us regardless of any norms, but from the ones I've seen - sometimes they lose an appreciation for just spending time together. James has had a light few days, and we took advantage of that. And I stopped being so obsessed with being productive to just be with him. So we laid in bed for hours and hours and watched Harry Potter together. We talked through some of it, cuddled through all of it, and just let ourselves relax and be with each other.

Don't... miss out on time like that. Chances that we'll have time like this in the future is pretty infantismal as we do hope to have children someday soon. And then it won't matter whether laundry was done a day late, or if we just ate mac and cheese. What will matter is that we got to laugh with each other, lay with each other (which is incredibly emotionally bonding - not to mention incredibly comfortable) be goofy with each other, and relax with each other. What will matter is that we used the time for what was really important - us.

Sometimes... not being productive is the most productive you can be. Or something like that.

Day 436 - Appreciation

Anthem worked 17 hours yesterday. The man is a beast. And because of the way his schedule works, by the time he got home it had been 24 hours since I had last seen him. I had three surprises planned. I'll list them in terms of effort.
1) A painting (I'm no painter but I love it so much) of a quote I saw that made me think of us.

Personally, I love it, and it took hours upon hours as each layer had to dry. It's not professional by any stretch, but I like it none the less. It's also not done. But it's mostly done. Just some finishing touches left. 

2) I bought him a small decorative tray to hold his bathroom stuff. We've been wanting it for weeks but couldn't find one that matched mine. I finally found one, bought it, and put his stuff in it. 

3) We recently rearranged our bedroom, and in doing so moved Anthem outside of the lovely stream of AC that blows in. I was contemplating this while making the bed, and using cardboard, some string, and a staple gun, figured out how to manipulate the stream of air onto him. 

So Anthem gets home, exhausted. I'm still putting laundry away, but pause to show him the surprises. I hardly counted number three, but I knew it would make him happy. He loved it. The cardboard that pushes cold air down on him. He went on and on about how much he loved it, and how he'd been trying to figure out how to mount a fan up there but this worked so much better. I took him into the bathroom and again, he just loved it. Finally, he said. Doesn't that look better? he said. Thank you! he said and gave me a huge hug. Finally, I took him downstairs to see the painting. 

"Yea, that's nice love." He said, kissed me on the forehead, and went to take a shower. At first my feelings were hurt. I worked really hard on that. I thought he'd really love it. But as I thought about it, I started to understand (I think) and it has nothing to do with my painting. It has everything to do with listening. Well. It has everything to do with feeling heard and appreciated. And through that lens, the order of his appreciation made complete sense. 

1) It was something small, something he would have never thought twice about if I hadn't done a single thing about it. The fact that I had listened, and sat down and thought about how to make it better for him, especially when he wasn't there (which showed him that I think about him even when he's not here) and did it when there wasn't a single thing I gained by it, made him feel very, very loved. And he did indeed sleep a lot better as every time he got too hot, the AC kicked on and started blowing cool air on him. 

2) We haven't talked about it in weeks, but I hadn't forgotten. I knew it was something he wanted, so I've been keeping my eye out for it. Once I found it, I got it. I didn't see it as taking effort, but he did. I listened, I persevered, I valued his wants and desires. He felt listened to, valued, and appreciated. 

3) It's words. On some wood. I got enjoyment out of making it, and the words are sweet, but they are just that. It was a gesture of affection, but not one of that was overly special, nor useful. It didn't help him sleep better or make him feel listened to. He wants to encourage me to keep painting, but it's a quote I found. I think he'd rather I tried something entirely original.

And I can see where he's coming from. When you've been burned by sweet words, it's the little things that make all the difference. The little things that say 'I'm listening', 'I'm thinking about you when you're not here', 'You're appreciated', and 'Your desires are my desires'. Not something that could transition from one relationship to another. 

In the end, I think a lot of it is about love languages. Not necessarily service vs. gifts. But words don't hold the same weight with Anthem that they do with me, so when I want to show him how much I love him, I need to speak his language instead of expecting him to speak mine. Good thing I've got time to get fluent. 

Today's lesson: if there is someone you love or appreciate, let them know. It'll make their whole day better. 

Day 435 - Walking Around Jericho

Do you ever wonder if the author of Joshua left out part of the story of Jericho? Like, the part where Joshua says, "Excuse me, God Almighty, you want me to do what?" Because Joshua was used to inquiring of the Lord before battle. He knew he needed God. And God would often deliver to him a brilliant battle plan. And then this time, they need to take the well fortified city of Jericho, and God tells them to march around it a lot. I'd be concerned I had a high fever right about then.

Sort of like I am now. Because God's latest marching orders have made me very much feel like I'm walking around Jericho. As you know, ever since I got to Texas I've been looking for a job. With almost no success at all. Which has been terribly discouraging. Anthem is working all of the time to support us (and doing a fabulous job, might I add) and I feel like I'm not contributing anything. Which isn't entirely true. I'm just not contributing money.

Yesterday, I was filled with such angst about it. I felt like a total failure. Anthem could tell. He sent me this message. "Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting], but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord, she shall be praised!" Proverbs 31:30 I knew God was trying to tell me something through Anthem, something that I just wasn't getting. But I knew I was so close, I just had to see something I was missing. Something obvious.

And that's when I felt it. God speaking. He said that though I've been praying for a job, I've been relying entirely on my resume and my own credentials. Which have nothing to do with what He wants me to do. Stop applying, He said. Rather, get out and do. Live. Explore. Talk to people. I'm not promising it'll lead to a job, He said, but I can tell you it will take you where I want you.

My heart darn near exploded in joy, because suddenly everything I was feeling made absolute sense. But then I felt a new emotion. I felt so terribly guilty. It wasn't right, to do that, to stop worrying and stop doing everything I could to get a job when Anthem is working so hard. I confessed this to him, and he reminded me of the verse he'd sent me. "It's more important that you follow the Lord and where He is leading you than struggle in what seems right to you. All I ask is that you take time tomorrow to be still before God and seek Him. No sermons, no books, nothing but you and God. I do not value you by what you 'contribute' to our life, just being you will always be enough."

I still struggle with the idea, which is why I'm here talking about it. This blog often helps me clarify. That and I'm listening to Shawn McDonald, who I recently rediscovered, and that is soothing to my soul. Something in me knows that I need to follow what I'm convicted of, regardless of how much sense they make to me or to the world watching me. (Which, lets be honest, is less than I like to think.) It's hard. I like plans so much, and take pride in making sense. But what I really, really need is to take pride in Jesus and that He considers me worthy enough to lead in love. I've got the most supportive husband on earth, and am free to follow leading I find less than conventional. And my soul often needs to be saved from the pride of thinking that I know the best way to do anything.

God told me to walk around Jericho, except Jericho is Temple and I'm supposed to enjoy it, serve it, explore it, and interact with it. God will take care of the rest, and guide my obedient footsteps toward Him. Which... is really all that matters.

Here's to feeling crazy *raises warm cup of earl grey* and needing to confess the sin of ever thinking I know better than God. Here's to feeling saved from making the massive mistake of doing exactly what I was doing in Iowa with just a change of location. Here's to the best guy in the world making me his wife. Here's to a different way of looking at life, and a different way of living it. Here's to newness of spirit, and a renewing of mind. Here's to walking around Jericho.

Day 434 - Choose to Love

Life is full of things I can't control. Every day has more variables that are absolutely beyond my comprehension than there are grains of sand by the sea. Most of the time I try to not let this truth affect me too deeply. I don't always succeed.

When I was single, before I met Anthem, I used to worry about being cheated on. It would honestly keep me up at night. Because what if feelings faded, you know? What if there was a spark with someone else? What if - what if - what if - and of course who can control feelings fading? And who can control a spark?

Well... we can. All of us can. It's why I love Anthem and I's story so much. We chose to love each other. We choose to love each other. Some days its a hell of a lot easier than others. Some days it is as easy as falling. He's freaking amazing. And on very, very rare occasions we can't even speak to each other because the other is so foreign and unbelievable. But even when he makes no sense to me at all (and visa versa) there is not a thing in this world I wouldn't do for him. Because no matter how I feel, I know my vows. And he knows his. I trust that, implicitly.

Sometimes, this little voice will creep up inside me and whisper things like, "Wouldn't it be nice if it was more like the movies? If you couldn't even control it? If he could hardly stand how much he loved you, if you drove him wild?" And at first, I agreed with that little voice. But the more I thought about it, the more I saw the folly in that. The movies aren't real. They only have to last 90 minutes. My marriage will last for sixty years or more (God willing). Relationships aren't based on losing control, not marriages anyway. Relationships that are... don't last long. I knew a guy like that once. He bounced from woman to woman, being absolutely obsessed with them, and then as soon as his interest began to wane, he'd find another woman he was absolutely obsessed with - and the one he left behind would be absolutely crushed. He swore he couldn't control it.

But we all knew the truth. He had no desire to control it. It never was about the women, it was about him. It was about not being bored, about feeling a rush, about feeling power, about feeling invincible... but it was never about the women, and it had nothing to do with love.

Instead of demanding that our relationship be a roaring fire before we got married, we built a small one and swore to protect it, fan it, and build it for the rest of our lives. And it does, it grows daily. It's base is being built to support a roaring fire; we are not dousing it in gasoline to feel a short burst of heat. It will continue to grow, because we feed it.

And that's what choosing to love is about. Understanding that all great things take time. Including love. Knowing that great things take discipline. Which is why we take our vows so seriously. I cannot stress this enough: vows have absolutely nothing to do with feelings. No matter how I feel about Anthem, or how he feels about me, our vows remain. On them, we have begun to build the fire of our love.

That's what we needed. We needed a base and protection. Our marriage has flourished in the trust we have with each other. It's not the same for everyone. But please, please, know that love is a choice. Know that if you have chosen to love someone, if you have vowed, then no matter the 'spark' you feel with anyone else, you can control it. You can say no, walk away, and choose to pursue your chosen love. I imagine it would be easier to do that if you know in your heart that your love would do the same for you.

Day 433 - Just In Time

I know, it's been like 10 days since my last post. I honestly just haven't had much to talk about. Things are going more slowly than I anticipated. I'm not making friends as quickly as I'd thought I would - don't look at me, Texan women are weird. The job search is insanely frustrating. Because it really is about who you know and I just don't know that many people. Especially ones in positions of power to do some hiring.

Though things are looking up. I've got an interview next week, a new Bible study starting on Wednesday nights, I got my library card, and things are going great for Anthem. The weird part is I'm just getting used to everything, right when everything is about to change again. When I get a job, and am not home all the time, both Anthem and I are going to have to adjust.

And that's about all I have to say. I like that life never gets stale, even when it's quiet.

Day 432 - Uuuuugggghhhhh

Do you ever feel like you wake up fighting? Not someone, nor any solid idea in your head, not even yourself, just fighting? That's been today for me. Fighting since I woke up. Fighting to get up. Fighting to be productive. I did not want to go take a typing test today. I did not want to continue the job search today. Every time I apply, and apply, and apply, it chips away at my precious ego. (Yes, I know it's just an ego. Hence the sarcasm of the 'precious'.) It wounds my pride, not being able to get a job. 

Anthem came home from one job, ate breakfast, cleaned up (he looked amazing, btw), and went to go begin what is for all practical purposes an apprenticeship under our Worship Pastor. Later this week, he has his other job. He has three, though he only gets paid for two. 

I... cook and clean. And write this blog. And apply for jobs. And exercise. And pray. And do laundry. And that's about it. I feel so completely and utterly useless. I know that's not true. I know that Anthem appreciates what I do, even if I feel it isn't much. I know a maid would cost more than I do and isn't nearly as entertaining as I am. I'm a wife, Anthem's wife, and he has no reason to worry. I budget and keep track of our finances. I cook good, mostly healthy, filling meals. I do laundry, and keep our house clean so we can entertain and Anthem can bring home guests with no notice. I pray for him, constantly. And when we hang out, well it's pretty much my favorite. Because he's my best friend and we have way too much fun doing a whole lot of nothing. 

I don't want much. I keep praying for some female friends. I'm just not clicking with anyone here, neither my age or older. I keep praying for a job, any job that will not put us in the hole to have. (I said no to one, as the gas money would have cost more than it paid after taxes.) And I'll keep praying. God is good, and this season of getting on my feet won't last forever. It's not like giving up is even an option, though I fight to get through this as best and as quickly as I can, not just get through it. Which is why I went and took the test today, and submitted it with the applications that needed it. And am doing laundry, and writing, and praying. And am planning to crash a '90's an over' women's bible study at church on Wednesday. It says women's. I'm a woman. I want to learn the Bible with other women. And I'm desperate. 

So... whatever you're going through, just... keep fighting. Don't give up. We'll get through this.