Day Seven - Coincidence

Sometimes... the most unexpected, tiniest of things, can stop you dead in your tracks. That happened to me today. And I found not one, not two, but three things that all pointed to the fact that I am completely nuts. Which is sort of great considering that's what I was going for. I mean, it is the Rabbit Hole. Sparkly Marshmallows. This is not a place for the sane.

The thing is, of course, that it would take about sixteen paragraphs to explain why a Jeremiah 29:11 pendant, 5 fake catholic coins, and a Prayer of Jabez coin radically changed my day. Their significance is for me to understand. But let me tell you, it's insane. Each one was like a resounding, deep gong that echoed through the past and the present and the future. Each one like a little, annoying blue fairy that is desperate for your attention to point you on the right path, or give you some tip for defeating that dreaded enemy: doubt.

The pendent is now around my neck and won't be leaving. I'm fairly confident it's as permanent as the Rabbit Hole. So, for at least for the next 993 days. The coins... I'm not sure what I'm going to do with those yet, but it'll have some significance and when I figure out what they're for, I'll be sure to tell you. The prayer coin is going to stay near, like a token that stays with me, to constantly remind of that prayer on the wall I used to look at when I was pretending to care about... Godfather? That was a Playstation game, right? I said I was pretending.

I know they all seem weirdly insignificant, but they really did mean the world to me. And they appeared the moment I needed them most. In the Rabbit Hole, there is no such thing as a coincidence. There are perfectly timed gifts. In today's case - they were lifelines. Lifelines pulling me back into the Rabbit Hole. They made my heart a little lighter. The added a little more sparkle to my life. A little more glitter. Even if I'm the only one that can see it.

P.S. My kitchen is SPARKLING with lysoled cleanliness. Better Homes and Gardens you are not out of my reach.

Day Six - Shine

*Sorry guys, I wrote this yesterday, apparently I forgot to hit 'publish' so you get two today!

It's day six and I'm already having issues staying in the Rabbit Hole. There is such a fine line between the Rabbit Hole and insanity, and sometimes as Christians we have to cross that line willingly anyway. But how does one know when to cross that line and when to err on the side of sanity? I think, because the brain has a really difficult time with the Rabbit Hole and sanity, (at least mine does now, maybe that changes with ten more years of practice) I think that decision should be left, primarily to the heart.

Although I'm not a morning person, I usually wake up in a fairly good mood. Today, I woke up absolutely gripped in despair. There was no joy in my heart, and I'm not sure why, but I think it has something to do with rejecting the craziness of the Rabbit Hole. I felt the desire to praise all day yesterday, and not randomly praise, but praise because of who God is, and that all His promises will come true. I was to praise His faithfulness specifically. And I didn't. I wanted to praise Him for a great many things, but His faithfulness, or my perception of that, is something He and I are working on at the moment. So I didn't. And when I woke up this morning I felt ill with despair.

And then it occurred to me. I must be retarded. Who cares how crazy it is? Who, in their right mind, says no to spontaneous joy? What was I thinking? Nothing is more sparkly than joy. Nothing breeds sparkles like joy. And I'm sort of beyond caring if it makes any sense. (It does, in case you were curious, because God is awesome, and so whenever He wants to grace me with joy, then I'm in.) Because the most satisfying praise is the kind that comes out of joy. Praise can come out of anything; praise is a command and a delight, if we always waited until we felt like it, praise would be in short stock when we needed it most desperately. But the kind that simply floods your heart... And I choked it away to keep some sense of control over my own life? And of course, the consequences demonstrated exactly why I shouldn't do that. When I flex control, I lose my joy.

So I urge you, the same way I urge myself, to relax that grip, even just a little, and see what happens. I'm going with the insanity, because its so much better than the despair. Even if I don't understand exactly what's going on. I'm human, God is God, and I don't ever remember a time that God said we'd understand it all. I'm too little to understand the grand plan even for my life. But that's okay. My duty is not to understand, my duty is to (I'm stealing this from John Piper so please read his stuff) "...glorify God by enjoying Him forever". To walk each day in the light He provides, and shine that light back to Him, and to my fellow man.

I guess what I want to get across today is don't block the light that He shines, even if it goes against your plans, even if it goes against your reason. If it gives you that innocent, pure joy then shine with it for the love of all that is sparkly.

Day Five - Better Homes and Gardens

   Reality doesn't change. But perception does. I know this is a blog about becoming a sparkly marshmallow, but sparkly marshmallows aren't ignorant of the dark, they just try not to live there. In this particular case, dark and sparkly are more literal than they should be. 

I didn't notice it when I was a kid, but I grew up living with hoarders. Not my lovely mother, she wasn't a hoarder, she was just messy. But both of my aunts, who I stayed with often during our half year trips south, were. The kind you see on TLC. The singular pathways through the home. The beds were clear, mostly. But when I was younger, I really didn't think anything of it. I knew it wasn't normal, but it was my family. I didn't mind. I was a good monkey, climbing over stuff, through stuff, wasn't hard. The stacks of stuff were taller than me, every surface was constantly cluttered. There was no room for productivity. No room for anything. 

And I've been a messy person ever since. It's not an attractive trait, I realize, but for the vast majority of my life I really couldn't care less. Ask anyone that has ever ridden in my car. They will tell you. But all of that is changing. Hoarding is a mental illness. My aunt has 2 houses because the first one couldn't hold all of her stuff. I'm not kidding.

But now, it's like a light switch has turned on in my head. I refuse to be that way, constantly surrounded by shit that always in the way and completely useless. I refuse to be messy. My life, my space is going to sparkle and smell like Lysol and fresh laundry. It is going to be Better Homes and Gardens clean. Because I've seen what's on the other side of procrastination, because I've seen what it can become. My house will be beautiful, and I will have guests over, and they will always feel welcome and comfortable. My kids will grow up in a clean house, with lots of free space. No clutter, no hoarding, nothing. Usable space. 

Though, I do have one concession to make, and maybe someone will be able to convince me of it in the comments, but... really, what is the purpose of dusting? I still don't get it.

Day Four - The Most Sparkly Thing On Earth

I think I found the most sparkly thing on earth. 

Her name is Sarah. And she lives about an hour from me. She's two, but she'll be three soon. Today, I learned she actually does possess the ability to speak, and has quite a lot to say, once you get her alone. You see, Sarah is the fifth child. Of six. She has four three older brothers, and one older sister. And if you ever met those children, you'd understand why we didn't know Sarah could talk until she was speaking full sentences. 

Each and every one of my dear ones is sparkly like you wouldn't believe, Sarah merely affected me more today because she's the only one willing to cuddle on me that doesn't have an affinity for crapping her pants. I'm not judging him, he's not six months old yet, it's just less appealing for the senses. I don't see them terribly often, only ten or so times a year, but due to my new job, and the changes going on in my heart, I might get to spend more time with my sparkly ones. Today, they were absolutely necessary. 

They grin at the drop of the hat. No one will mock my sparkly ones for being children of a lazy generation. All they do is play. The older ones do their homework. Today they showed me how they feed the baby goats, and let me help them feed the chickens. And the duck. They showed me the Christmas tree they'd cut down themselves to put in the play house and decorated with baling wire and pumpkin seeds. They're amazing, those kids. And I love them. 

Being their only aunt, and frankly their only chance of ever having an uncle (sorry children, I'm working on it, I swear!) I'm the only one whose ever going to tell the world about them. Their father would shoot me right now if he had any way of ever finding this obscure blog and finding I talked about them (even with their names changed). But when I think about the fact that for the time being, I'm the only window the world has to these amazing sparkly children, I wonder what I am missing that you can share with me. What sparkles in your life that is unique to you? What would you share with the world if you had the chance?

Day Three - Home

How is it that I forget exactly how long a ten hour drive is? Its ten hours. In a car. Driving. Ugh. At least its over. This entry will be short ladies and gents, and more than likely will seem as if I'm typing more gibberish than sense. Do you see my face? No? Well, it doesn't care.

I did get to think today, but most of it wasn't consciously coherent. It was sort of like dreaming. Sometimes the picture was clear and sharp, I think perhaps my imagination was trying to find a new hope in letting go of the old one. Other times I was simply happy, or hopeful, or sad. There were no pictures, no story, just a feeling, gentle and soft, and I felt it. From the bottom of Missouri until I was almost home, I was flying. Part of me kissed the sky and flew in a sea of improbabilities that made it happy, and calmed me down. By the time I was home, I was quite satisfied, though I lack the words to explain the quiet contentment that has taken root.

As for now, I am home, I am at peace, and I am freaking exhausted. The only thing on my mind is that I get to see my six beautiful nieces and nephews tomorrow, and won't see my more annoying relatives for over a year. Today is a good day. Tomorrow will be better.

Day Two - Distraction

Today was the fabled Farmageddon. Just in case anyone NOT in the Midwest reads this, today was the day that the Iowa Hawkeyes faced off against the Nebraska Huskers. I happen to be a raging Husker fan. It was a slow process, me coming out of the football closet, but it has been an incredibly satisfying addition to my life. Being as I'm not from Nebraska, but rather the state of their age old rivals, I'm constantly surrounded by Iowa fans. Which, on days like today, makes my smugness nearly unbearable. (Sorry, Nick.) But despite it all, despite my absolute exultation over the Huskers dominating win today, my mind is less than satisfied. I should be over the moon. I should be doing a two hour long Husker dance and stopping only to hydrate myself. Instead, I find myself lost in thought. Distracted.

Let's rewind a few hours. I woke up distracted. I had a crazy dream, that while not entirely unpleasant, was enough to get my heart pounding. I sneaked out of the bed, my cousin still deep in sleep as she'd only gotten home from her overnight shift at the hospital a few hours earlier. Carefully, I tiptoed into the living room, and turned the volume on low. God bless ABC for playing my beloved Huskers nationally. But my racing heart didn't stop. This time, I chalked it up to the nerves of the game. I mean this game is HUGE. The outcome means bragging rights for an entire year. Not to mention that I had quite the non-monetary bet riding on this one. I needed this win. But even when we were ahead by 10, my anxiety didn't go down. Not when we were ahead by 13. Not when we were ahead by 20. Not when we won. Of course by then we were watching the Battle of the Boot (as my extended family lives in the top of the Boot) and its been an exhilarating game as well. But since my desire for the Hogs to win is only for the joy of my beloved cousin (who as I write this has stomped off to the shower because she can't stand to watch it anymore), there is no reason to be anxious about it. There is no reason to be anxious at all.

So why am I constantly feeling as if I can't catch  my breath? Why do I feel as if I'm about to come out of my own skin? I can't get comfortable. Hell, I can't even distract myself. And when my favorite novel and my ROM of pokemon can't keep me occupied, something is very wrong. And distracted doesn't really begin to describe it. There is some sort of war going on inside of me. When I took my shower earlier, trying to catch my breath under the hot flow, I was overwhelmed by emotions that had no reasonable source. I was so happy, so relieved that I started crying, with this giant stupid grin on my face. For one second, my heart was outside of my mind's control, and it was reaching, grasping, desperate to hold on to the reality of the moment, to cling to that fleeting hope. But it flitted away through my hands before I could so much as sigh. And it was gone. And I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't think of anything but running. Running home. Like the other half of my heart was back in Iowa, pulling me there with all of its little will.

I wish I could understand exactly what's going on internally. I mean it was a shower for heaven's sake. The shampoo smelled lovely, but not put me in tears lovely. I don't think there is a smell that lovely, except for maybe newborn baby smell. I digress. There was nothing extraordinary about that shower. It was a moment outside of the shower, a moment even just thinking about gives me new words with which to ponder. There must be some war going on, for I feel as if I'm keeping myself constantly in check, holding myself through sheer will to this reality; I'm sitting on a couch watching football; when part of me longs to... well I'm not sure. Move, somehow. Change something. I will not let it go to the past, that is not healthy, and it goes against everything this blog is trying to accomplish. But in my iron lock of it, I cannot tell if it would go to the past, or go to some place I'm unaware of. Terrified that it will quickly run out of my control, I'm keeping it on a tight lockdown. But this can't last. It will escape, sooner or later. It has to. If it doesn't, I'll suffocate. I'll burst out of my skin.

At the very least I've got ten hours to think about it tomorrow as I drive home. I'll let you know how it goes. I'm curious myself.

Day One - Thanksgiving

   At first, I thought this was going to be difficult. I mean, finding something significant and hopefully either enlightening or witty every day? And then I experienced Thanksgiving with my extended family and realized that every day offers up more than enough for a blog post. The real difficulty is choosing what to write about. My family's drama could definitely fill an entire blog post, but that isn't enlightening or witty, is it? Perhaps a fleeting entertainment could be derived from it, but half the joke is twenty years in the making. No, I don't think that's where I'll go. At least not today. The food was delicious, but I didn't make it, so there was no adventure there to write about, as I'm no critic. (It was delicious though, dear Aunt.) I stayed strong and didn't smoke my beloved nicotine nor indulge in any drama numbing Slivovitz. But again, I draw no inspiration from these things today. Which made me think. Where does my inspiration come from?

That's when I knew what I had to write about today; my very own Sparkly Marshmallows. The people that inspire me, every day, have made me who I am, and who have inspired this movement. The list is massive, so in the spirit of what this blog is about, I'll focus on those in the present. I'm sure those from the past will come up sometime in the next thousand days, and get their individual shout outs.

First, there is my family. Let me quickly define, this is the family of blood, the family that I had no hand in deciding or forming, the family that I'm stuck with through all eternity. The family I very often rant about and curse under my breath. That family is my heart and soul. They are in the deepest part of me. They taught me the depths of love.

To my mother, brother, father, sister-in-law, and all six of my nieces and nephews, I love you. Without you, my world would be empty. You're part of me, and always will be. You push me to become more than I even dreamed I could be, and let me know when I'm being ridiculous. My little ones, you taught me love. The first day I held you, I knew what love was, because though you could do nothing for me other than breathe, I would give my everything for you. I cannot wait to see you grow, to see you change, to see you become everything you're capable of.

Then there is my second family, the one I chose. My friends. I will never understand why they love me. Never. But they still do, those silly people. And I love them, so much more than they know.

Of course there is Linz, and she is easily the most sparkly friend on this list. She daily teaches me about joy in the little things, and how to be strong for the big things. She is a huge inspiration to me, and I want to be so much more like her in so many ways. If you are blessed enough to know her, thank God. For she is His gift to mankind.

 Then there is Mike, the original Sparkly Marshmallow. In him I found this crazy theory of life; in him I found how much it can inspire those around you; in him I found a passion for life that nothing could dull, and a softness of heart that the world couldn't harden. I hope, over time, he will inspire all of you as much as he inspires me.

There are so many others, my life is so blessed to be so full of so many awesome people. Erica keeps me grounded and always pulls me back to God. She shines so brightly. Petey always pushes me to be better than I am, and run farther than I thought I could, and do more than I dreamed. She has so much passion and determination. Honky is my brother from another mother, and he loves unconditionally. I so often wish I was more like him. Phil, who is my buddy for life and taught me how to lay down in the rain and feel the pain until I'm ready to get up again. Marcus, who taught me how to fight and never back down. DJ, for being the quiet comfort I need when the darkness creeps inside. Tina, my sister from another mister, who keeps me sane no matter who or what is attempting to steal it, and keeping me believing that the future is bright.

They are what I am thankful for today. They are what I am thankful for everyday. They are the reason I am here, doing this crazy thing and trying to change the world in my own way. They are the most amazing people I have ever met, and for some truly unknown reason, they love me, and pour into me. They teach me to be soft, and they teach me how to sparkle.

If you know them, give them a shout out here, in the comments. If you don't, tell me about the people that inspire you.

Talk to you tomorrow!

Name Change - Blog Change

So I had this idea.

Lets be honest. My blog entries are sporadic and accomplish very little other than letting me vent. Which, while cathartic, isn't exactly great blog material. So with all of the radical life changes I've been making lately (new job, no more smoking, no more alcohol) which has led to even more, non planned changes (loss of smoking, drinking friends, and a much quieter, hermit like lifestyle, and a renewed love for video games) I figure its time to change my blog too.

Let me explain. The new blog is 1,000 days in the Rabbit Hole AKA the sparkly marshmallow theory of life. The Rabbit Hole is my metaphor for living a truly satisfying, meaningful, full life of faith.

“If you love Me, you will keep My commandments. And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him. You know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you.
“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Yet a little while and the world will see Me no more, but you will see Me. Because I live, you also will live. In that day you will know that I am in My Father, and you in Me, and I in you. Whoever has My commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves Me. And he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and manifest Myself to him.”
(John 14:15-21 ESV)

To me that says that there is a whole life, a life created by the Holy Spirit, directed by the Holy Spirit, and lived by the power of the Holy Spirit that the world cannot understand, because it cannot see, and it cannot know. To me it says that we are to live a life that looks foolish, but that is full of wonder and wisdom. I equate it to the Rabbit Hole of Lewis Carroll. A place of wonderment. A place made of fractals. A place where reality begins to take on different meanings beyond what you can see, taste, and touch. A place no one really believes in, let alone understands, until they endeavor to enter it themselves.

To choose to live in the Rabbit Hole is an endeavor that testifies to a belief that there is more to life that what is on the surface.


Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone over me.
By day the LORD commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
        (Psalm 42:7-8 ESV)


This verse has always spoken to me as well, and in the Rabbit Hole I found its true meaning. The depth of my soul, the depth of my experiences, the depth of my emotions, calls for the depth of God to give them, to give me, meaning. Not just, "Why am I here?" Meaning. But "I believe that through Your wonder, awesome God, even in the depth of my despair You are beautiful, and can transform me into something beautiful as well. Through You, every single thing has meaning and purpose and beauty, even if I am too small to comprehend it." This verse is a call from the depth of my soul to the depth of God's heart for nothing more and nothing less than ALL of God. It is my hunger, it is my thirst, it is my truest desire. It is why I went into the Rabbit Hole to begin with, even if I couldn't put words to it.

Which leads us neatly into the Sparkly Marshmallow Theory of Life.  Sparkly Marshmallow is a term I use to describe people; it is a category of person, but one that shatters conventional categories. It bridges all others. Christian or not, male or female, straight or gay, black or white or anything in between, young or old, rich or poor, none of that matters. A Sparkly Marshmallow is a person who "sparkles" by continuing to see the wonderment in life, no matter what the world has done to steal their innocence and blind their sight. They fight for beauty. They fight for awe. They fight to stay "Marshmallow" soft, despite what the world has done to harden their hearts. They stay soft, sensitive to both pain and joy, aware that numbness, hardness, robs the feeler of both. Sparkly Marshmallows inspire me, and I hope they inspire you too.

The Sparkly Marshmallow Theory of Life then, is an attempt, not to merge the Rabbit Hole with conventional reality, but to be aware of and on the lookout for where the Rabbit Hole bleeds into conventional reality. For me its crunchy leaves, a freshly baked pie, the feel of puppy ears, a good book, a homemade scarf, a perfect hug, rocking out in the car to songs that have notes that I know I can't hit, the smell of freshly laundered anything, and pretty much ANYTHING that glitters. You now know how I feel about Christmas. Gleeful doesn't even begin to describe.

This new blog is my attempt to chronicle all of these changes in my new life, and to only look back on them at the end of 1,000 days and see how far I've come. It is a commitment to look forward every day. It is a commitment to look for Sparkles and stay a Marshmallow. It a commitment to share this journey honestly with you, the reader, every day. It is a commitment to stay open to whatever comes. It is a commitment to live in the Rabbit Hole.

My hope is that as I go along, I will ever find more sparkles, I will ever get softer, and maybe, just maybe, I will convince some of you to join me.

Non Smoking Update (A Two for One Rant)

 Things I didn't know about quitting smoking:
     There is a period of SUCK, followed by a honeymoon period, followed by a whole lot more SUCK.
     I thought, mistakenly, that once the honeymoon period kicked in, it was going to stay. Surely this boosted energy, this vastly improved mood, this feeling of invincibility, was going to last forever!
     Ha. No. Not even close. Now I'm back to being mildly miserable pretty much all the time. For the past 4 days the only thing on my mind was how badly I wanted a cigarette. No, that's not true. How much I wanted an entire pack of cigarettes. All to myself. To suck down with a holy vengeance until I was coughing up a lung and saturated to the brim with delicious, delicious nicotine. It's been a rough week to be sure, and smoking was my number one go-to when life started to suck. When I quit, I substituted video games, but low and behold, it takes a lot longer for the video game drug to kick in, and God forbid I died before I started to calm down. It is a small miracle both of my controllers, my living room windows, and my TV are still intact. And by that point I'm beyond calming.
     However, nothing was going to change my motto of 'Under no circumstances will I give in to my cravings'. I allowed myself to fantasize about it a little (I learned that's a bad idea) but refused to give in. My willpower was stronger than my circumstance. I was determined to prove that statement to be true. I still am. But it sucks. It really, really sucks. The only reason I can continue is because I know its the right thing to do. I know its making me healthier with every day I beat my cravings into a bloody pulp, or shoot them in the head. (Okay, so now you know what I think about when I kill the splicers in BioShock. Good for you.)
     Which brings me to the two for one part of this post. I continue to set my will against smoking because I know its what is best for me.  The same is not true about waiting around for my long lost love, who will forever more be known as Jonah. I waited for a long time, but cannot continue. Not because my will isn't strong enough (see above) but because I'm not convinced it's the healthiest thing for me. I think moving on and being open to a new chapter in life is actually a whole lot healthier, both for me and for my relationships. All of them. Especially the one with the big man upstairs.
     Yet, some of my friends seem to insist that this change of heart will be devastating for my life. Does anyone else find this as absurd as I do? Since when has being open to the unexpected been a bad thing? Ever? Not to mention, of course, the absurd rudeness. How can anyone assume that a change like this, coupled with a week like this, wouldn't lead to girly heartache?
     I am that friend that everyone calls when life sucks. I may not get the party invite, but I will always get the 'Life has just taken a giant turd on me and I need someone that cares' phone call. And I always go. Because I love them. Because I'd assume that when its my turn to just lay down in the street for a while and wallow, they'd be willing to join me. (I'm going to give a big shout out to Linz from Achievos for being that awesome friend for listening to me wallow and waiting for me to get back up on my own without pushing. In the VERY off chance that ANYONE that reads this Blog and not that one - go now.) Turns out that is not always true.
     Though I do understand periods of weakness, where I am barely holding myself up and cannot go wallow with you or I will tumble myself. And if that's the case, then I understand the position. But that does not make me any stronger, or give me any will to get back up. I need time, and I'm taking it. And I can't smoke when I get angry so...
     BACK THE FUDGE OFF BEFORE I LOSE MY SCHMIDT ON YOU.