Day 429 - He Can Do All Things

Philippians 4:13 (ESV) "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."

I love that verse. I even love the song. I hear it all the time as much time as I spend with the worship team at church. But I think we've forgotten the real meaning of it. We've taken it out of context. We sing it in churches that are not persecuted, we sing it for lives that are cushioned. Let's look at what is said directly before it.

Philippians 4:12 "I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need."

I have never been hungry. Nor truly cold. I've always had a roof over my head. I've been lonely, but never truly alone. I've always had friends and family. I do not know want.

I was talking to a friend today, who is going through some rough times. Rough times that are not her fault, nor her husband's fault. Rough times that are made harder by the inconsideration and laziness of others. And she's stretched to her breaking point. She can't go much longer. But Christ can. Christ knows where she is, He has not abandoned her, and she can reflect Him in this. Because Christ can do all things.

I keep telling myself that as I look at my bills this month. Well. As I look back and forth between my bills and my bank account. Two months ago I would have been having a small mental breakdown. This month I made note of everything that needs to be paid and how much and know that God knows, and is bigger than a number in a checkbook. My relationship with Him is more than some numbers in a checkbook. The end. I closed my checkbook and cracked open my Bible. And now I'm hungry for the Word so I'm going to let you go.

Just remember, anything is possible through Him. It's not just an inspirational text to put over a picture of a sunrise. It's a real thing. He can help me pay my bills, or He can choose not to, and I can trust His decision either way. Because trusting Him in ALL things, especially finances, is only possible through Him. And all things are possible through Him. And I trust Him. Which is awesome, because when money (even lack thereof) becomes no big deal, life's priorities sort themselves out rather quickly.

*Note: I am not advocating laziness or irresponsibility with finances. I am doing my best to find a job, and Anthem is the hardest working man I know. Because we are both doing the best we can, I am able to have peace about our finances. Just wanted to make that clear.

Day 428 - Let's Talk About Sex

Today's Sunday School Topic: Sex. 

And it was AWESOME. Because it was honest. A bunch of churchies talking about sex. Everyone from Anthem and I (married just over a month) to couples who have been married for over a decade and a number of couples in between. Yes, it was all couples. No, our Sunday School isn't usually all couples, but there was a retreat this weekend and so it ended up being all couples this time. Which, honestly, I think helped. As a group, we talked about the lies we had believed about sex prior to becoming sexually active. Some of them were because of the church, some of them were cultural. 

Lie #1: If you follow all of the rules and are a virgin when you're married, sex will be awesome from the start.

Truth #1: Even if you made it to the altar as a virgin... you're still messed up. Boyfriends, self image, sexual perception, upbringing, and everything else that happens regardless of being sexually active or not still gets in your head. And your spouses head. And it requires honesty and a level of vulnerability that is just... difficult. Sex is great, and it gets greater all the time. Sex is complicated. I'm blessed to be exploring it in the safety of marriage, so I am able to experience things I really didn't understand about sex without having to freak out. More on that later. 

Lie #2: Sex can be detached from the rest of your life. That's why when you get married you can add it to your life like a cherry on top. 

Truth #2: Sex is affected, and affects, almost every part of your life. It's emotional, physical, spiritual, chemical, mental, and hormonal. There is no way I could ever separate my relationship with my husband from our sex life. I wouldn't want to, but even if I did, it couldn't be done. Sex has always been a part of my life (well, sexuality and since puberty) and how I dealt with it and what I learned and what I didn't learn has affected my sex life. I have to relearn a lot. Like - 

Lie #3: You'll never know if you're compatible with someone if you don't have sex first. 

Truth #3: Bullshit. Anthem and I did not have sex until we were married. That was a freaking miracle. From our first kiss, we both knew we were compatible. There was a spark. Everywhere. The spark was so intense that I made my MOH stay the night at my apt when Anthem was there before the wedding because I knew our self control wasn't going to make it on it's own. 

Lie #4: If you don't experiment before marriage, you'll always wonder about what else might be out there. 

Truth #4: Again, I say bullshit. For so many reasons. 1) In a world that seems determined to genuinely mess with your head, the fact that Anthem is the only man I've ever had sex with eases his mind and heart greatly. He never has to worry that I'm comparing him to anyone, nor that he would not win the comparison. It's just that simple. 2) Before sex, I did not understand how it could be that different from making out except naked and with your downstairs. After sex, I realize that I'm a total idiot. There is... just... encyclopedia's full of stuff to try. And I get to try it all with the man who loves me and will never leave me and doesn't even laugh when I try to be sexy and fail. Which is awesome. I know that I could come to him with anything and say, "I'm curious." and he'll say, "Let's give it a shot." It has never once crossed my mind that I was missing out on anything. It is my firm belief that I am missing out on nothing, because I married all I could ever want and need. 

Lie #5: All lust is bad. 

Truth #5: Please, excuse my language, but fuck that. Lust is great. You know why lust is great? Because I'm so damn lusty after the man I married. And he's so damn lusty after me. And let's be really honest, that's kind of awesome. I want my husband to look at me like that until the day we die, and I just have this feeling he's going to pull a Sean Connery and get sexier with age. Lust is bad when it's detached from love and commitment. I'm going to cultivate my lust for my husband. Because sex is not a duty, it's a delight. And trying to make it something sterile is just... messed up. 

Lie #6: Sex can be casual. 

Truth #6: Ha. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahhahah no. Sex is an undeniable bonding agent. It ties people together. That was obvious from the get-go. It really does seal the deal of a marriage. There is no going back. Honestly, it has really made the difference for Anthem and I, at least in my opinion. It increased my respect for him, my trust of him, my desire for him, not to mention the proven chemical bonding agents released in both of our bodies. That being said, sex isn't lighting candles and spouting poetry to each other as we gaze deeply into each others eyes every time either, or even most times. The candles thing happened once. Sometimes, it's just fun. But even those times, all those other things happen too. It still brings us closer. 

Last one, I promise. Lie #7: Sex is less holy than celibacy, and if possible, everyone should remain celibate. 

Truth #7: It is not good for man to be alone. It wasn't when the world was perfect, and it isn't now. Now, granted, some people do have a calling from God to be single and celibate for their entire lives as they devote those lives to God. For the vast majority of us though, being called to marriage isn't a weakness. It's a blessing. I can't even imagine having to live without Anthem. He is my partner, my best friend, and the best part of my life. And he is my partner in this life we live together as we become more holy, chasing after Christ. Our sex, in our marriage, is holy. It reflects love and pleasure and desire and fulfillment and the God given gift of each other, wholly. Holy. 

Perhaps you disagree with me. If there is a miracle, you'll agree with one of those points. Tell me about it!

Day 427 - Pinterestic Legacy

I keep seeing these pictures on Pinterest. Pictures of grandmothers, mothers, and daughters sporting diamond rings. Truthfully, it makes me a little jealous. My grandmother and I are not close, nor would I want to replicate her marriage. From all I've ever known, my grandfather (these are both paternal) was a very bad man who did bad things. My maternal grandparents died when I was very young. My own parents divorced when I was young, and so I haven't seen a diamond ring on my mother's finger for a very long time. And my wedding ring has no diamonds. I'm ashamed to admit that my cultural saturation is still so high that at times, I would like to have a diamond ring of my own. Which is absolutely ridiculous. I love my wedding ring. It's simple, it's enduring, and it didn't cost thousands of dollars more than it should have so I can have a rock to display to my friends and a status symbol to put on the internet.

But it also kindles a desire in me to start a legacy. A legacy of enduring marriages of unwavering faithfulness, of love grown and cultivated rather than fallen into and faded, of God centered marriages of growth and struggle and selflessness and service. Someday, though Pinterest will probably not be around by the time I'm a grandmother, or if it is, will exist across an entire wall and be brought up by thinking about it and we'll post memories instead of snapshots, I would like to have a picture of a legacy that Christ began in Anthem and I.

I pray that my daughter(s) (if we are so blessed) would be blessed with men like Anthem. I can't wait to figure out how to tell them that I didn't just marry Anthem for me, I married him for them. I pray for my son(s) (if we are so blessed) to grow up to be like Anthem. And honestly, I want my daughter(s) (again, if we are so blessed) to be like Anthem. I pray for all of us, all the time. Because legacies are built, they are not montaged. And there are many, many things that will try and stop us. They cannot. For they are of the world, and Christ has overcome the world, and we are in Christ.

Anyway, someday I want a picture. Three hands that each have a different ring that expresses their love, their commitment, their marriage, their relationship. And honestly, I pray that I don't completely understand the marriages, or relationships. For if I did, then they would not be so entirely their own.

I cannot deny that my heart lusts after shiney rocks, the value of which is so inflated it is difficult to comprehend in a rational mind. But I can work to transform that desire and channel it into something of much more value: a legacy of lustrous marriages.

Day 426 - Right In The Selfishness

This week has been pretty good motivation wise. I was able to stay up and moving for most of it. Today was a struggle. I did not want to go change my social security information, register my car, change my license, or anything else that involved endless amounts of paperwork and federal employees. And it was a far bigger headache than I had anticipated. It took hours and hours and hours. I was so incredibly frustrated. I had driven all over town. I had made numerous phone calls. And it'll still be a few weeks until I get my permanent license.

And at the end of all of it, I went and got some dinner because I hadn't eaten since breakfast and was so cranky I wanted to kill. Knowing Anthem  would be hungry too, I asked if he wanted something. He called and said he did, I brought it to him. He was working and couldn't take a break. So he ate it in bites as he worked.

And my level of frustration slowly started to go down. Sure. I had been given the runaround. I had driven all around town. I had been to the point of tears. But I had not been sweating, working, since 4am. And even though he had been, he woke me up early this morning just to whisper a few words, called me when he knew I'd be up to see how my morning was going, and made me feel so loved.

And my frustration was washed away in his humble sacrifice. My day was not bad at all. I get to go home to a wonderful house, cooled from the heat. I have a fridge full of food. I have a warm bed that I share with that amazing man. My day was not so bad at all. And my motivation needs to be much more. He does what he does not just for himself, but for me. So that at the end of the day, I have a house to come home to, with all the comforts I could ask for. It is time I did as much for us.

There went my every complaint, humility hit me right in the selfishness. Not my humility, though. Ha. No. Anthem's humility. He's going to be home soon and I'll be damned if he isn't going to come home to heaven on earth.

Oh, and say a prayer for me? I have my first girl friend coffee date tomorrow. Pray it goes well, I could use a girl friend that was closer than 800 miles.

Day 425 - Faith Vs. Fact

Note: I am in no way upset. This is not a rant. It is simply an observation.

Often times faith, like the faith I have in Jesus the Christ, is derided for having nothing to support it. Nothing but faith. "Blind faith." I always roll my eyes when that is said. No wonder everyone thinks Christians are idiots. If that is how our faith is viewed, then the church of the flying spaghetti monster is not so different from us. Allow me to assure you all, that is not the case. Allow me to tell you what I don't take on faith.

A) The Bible (as Protestants know it) was written over a period of 1,500-2,000 years, in three different languages, by over 40 authors, on three different continents. No one man (or woman) sat down one day and made it all up just to mess with us. The cohesiveness and unity (whoa there Antagonistic Agnostics - you have to actually read and study it to find cohesiveness and unity, not just highlight out of context verses that seem to contradict each other - I'm not going into Old Testament perception of God vs. New Testament perception of God right now) of sixty six separate books all telling one overarching story is, in itself, rather miraculous.
     1) The coming of Jesus (Messiah, Savior, etc) and His characteristics and actions were prophesied hundreds of years (in some instances thousands of years) before His appearance in human history. Don't believe me? Read them. They're still there. He still fits.
     2) The Bible does not exist outside of history. Multiple extra-biblical historians and records confirm events spoken of in the Bible. Like Jesus. He actually existed. He actually died. Those that recorded His resurrection are considered religious texts, but the events were still recorded. Jericho did fall to the Israelites. King Solomon was famous for his wisdom. The Bible, and it's events, did not happen in a vaccuum and God does not expect us to pretend as if they did. It is not a fairy tale. It'd be a fairly crappy one if that was how it was made to be.
     3) Ancient people's were not simpletons, nor idiots, no matter how much we like to imagine they were. They knew the difference between alive and dead. They knew that walking on water was impossible, and they knew that feeding 5,000 people from two fish and five loaves is a really stupid story with no moral life lesson if it didn't actually happen. The entire story of Jesus is a really shitty one if He didn't actually rise from the dead. And just for kicks, lets all remember the writer of Luke was a physician. Now, they may have been practicing vivisection and didn't understand germs yet, but even in ancient Rome dead was dead and alive was alive. That's why they stuck a spear through Jesus's chest to make sure He was really, really dead before they took Him off the cross. Honestly.

B) Jesus Himself never asked for us to believe in Him blindly. Sure, we don't get to see Him alive like the 12 apostles (oh and those other 500 people) did, but we get rational, constructed accounts of His life, His death, His resurrection, and His ascension. He didn't ask the 12 apostles to believe that He rose from the dead because His body was missing. He totally showed up to show them. And they freaked out because dead people don't do that shit. And they were totally normal human beings who knew that dead people don't walk around and say 'check out my wounds. Totally me. Just, you know, breathing. And eating. Cause ghosts don't eat.' And then they believed. And then they remembered that He said He was going to do this. Not before the proof. After it.

Just for fun, let's jog our memory. When Thomas says, "Jesus, I'm having a really hard time believing this. Show me your wounds or I won't believe it's actually the you that died." what does Jesus do? Does He say, "No proof for you! Faith only!" or does He say, "Here you go. You asked for proof, and I gave it to you. Do you believe now?" And Thomas totally does.

There are multiple other reasons I believe. A lot of them have to do with the individual proofs God has given me in my life, my circumstances, and my perception. They wouldn't convince you of anything. They're not supposed to. They are for me.

But if you're struggling, ask Him to show you. Ask Him to show up, because He will. He doesn't ask us to take things on blind faith. All that He asks us to take on faith is what hasn't happened yet. Not what has. When we get to know God, when we understand that over and over and over again what He has said has come to pass, then it's a lot easier to trust that what He has promised that hasn't happened yet (that whole coming back thing - and that whole 'death isn't the end because I conquered death' thing) are taken on faith. And we have that faith because of what we do know. At least I do.

Anyway - that's my two cents. If this interests you and you want to know what prophesies were made and how Jesus fulfilled them and how reliable the Bible is - Doctrine by Mark Driscoll and Gerry Breshears is an absolutely amazing book that helped me so, so much.  It only helps if you read it though, so do me a favor. If you have questions - find answers. You're not the first one to have questions. People have been doing this for 2,000 years now. There are a lot of really good answers.

Day 424 - Priorities

Hey, you remember that time that I said I'd be blogging regularly again because it's a priority? I meant that, I really, really did. You remember that time that my marriage will always, always come first? I meant that too. James and I have been blessed with being able to spend a lot of time together the past 5 days, and so I didn't think of wasting that time by being on my computer.

Yesterday was our one month anniversary. I don't believe in month anniversaries, except the first one. When I think about what all has changed in this month... well to be honest I cannot comprehend it. But I'm at peace with it.

And I'm learning to be at peace with the fact that not everyone I love is at peace with it. I still can't find the words to explain everything to my family. And some of them are still very upset about my wedding, about my marriage. Which grieves me, but is ceasing to bother me. Not everyone will understand my marriage. Not everyone needs to understand my marriage. Nor approve of it.

It will not affect Anthem and I. Our marriage continues to grow, we continue to delight in each other, and we happily exist outside all the nay-saying. It has just ceased to bother me that others are bothered. Which is awesome. I have struggled with that my entire life. And it's incredibly liberating. It's not that I don't care about other people and how my decisions affect them; it's that I have ceased caring about how people feel about decisions that don't affect them.

So I do want to make blogging a priority. I even bought some illustrations to help me get started with short stories. So when I am quiet, know that I am off living my life with my husband, and my computer is sitting at home.

Day 423 - Grit Your Teeth And Learn

I'm writing this while trying not to move much. Okay, it's not that bad, I'm just resting. I worked out today, you see. And while it's definitely getting better (the first time my legs ached so bad I could hardly sleep), it still hurts. Today it's my abs and my thighs. Granted, the more I do it, the less it hurts. And since Anthem has started having me drink protein shakes after my workouts, it hurts a whole lot less. But the thing about it is going from nothing to regular. Once or twice a year isn't going to cut it. Not only is it going to hurt like the dickens every time I do it, which will certainly discourage me from loving it, but I'm never going to be comfortable doing it. The more I do it, the more I feel the endorphins working after it, and the less I feel like an out of shape idiot.

I think the same is true for a number of things. Practice, persistence, and toughing it out. For instance: I suck at being still before God and loving people. I never really practice either. I know I suck, but I don't do anything about it. Same with loving people. I am rather content to just loathe from afar. Which is the exact opposite of how you learn to love people. Yes. Learn. It's not magic. It doesn't just happen. It's getting closer to individuals so instead of seeing willfully ignorant masses, you (I) see individuals with real needs, emotions, and in depth motivations and experiences. You (I) see real hurts, needs, gifts, and realize that everyone has something to teach you.

And how awesome that elderly lady in church is, because after service she thanked you (me) for dancing in worship and filling her heart with joy for the younger generation. Just saying.

Anthem told me once that being still before God wasn't easy for him either, he just spent a lot of time trying, a lot of time worshipping, and a lot of time concentrating on it. And now, it's easier for him. He practiced.

I often think that spiritual disciplines will just come naturally, but they require practice like everything else. We all know to be careful when we pray for patience, but while we can use prayer like a protein shake to help us build those skills and characteristics as we're led by the Holy Spirit, we still have to practice. Even if it's really uncomfortable at first. Especially if it's really uncomfortable at first.

Day 422 - Antagonistic Agnostics

I really, really hate that it's gotten so acceptable for agnostics and atheists to mock Christianity. Not Islam. Not Shinto or eastern religions. Just Christianity. The only reason it bothers me, however, is because it's the same damn argument over and over and over. No matter how many times someone tries to inform their ignorance, within a week they're back to the same arguments that they know are wrong but that they know other antagonistic agnostics will agree with. 

I'm not a fan of ignorance for anyone, especially Christians. Which is why I actively research and find answers. Other religions deserve my understanding, at least of their basic concepts, because I respect the people who hold to those beliefs. I don't agree with them, but I can still respect them. 

Antagonistic agnostics, however, seem to need to constantly validate their idea that they are geniuses for seeing through the ridiculousness that is religion (especially Christianity) by constantly spouting off how ignorant faithful worshippers are. The egotism kills me and brings out the most sarcastic side of me. 

"Obviously. Obviously you have put together the most obvious of truths that two billion people currently hold to be true, and that billions of people throughout the last two thousand years have held to, but you in your early to mid twenties must see something that all of them have missed. Those who have studied Christianity and devoted their lives to it have obviously never taken the thirty seconds to peruse it's basic truths to arrive at your conclusion, you enlightened asshat. Or perhaps you're not smarter than the rest of the world, perhaps you're simply stronger. Because maybe those two billion people see how incredibly ridiculous it is and choose to believe in it anyway. Yup. Those poor delusional mama's boys who simply need that crutch to get through life. That's why they risk their lives to go and spread the gospel in countries that try, and often succeed, in killing them. They just needed the emotional crutch."

It absolutely infuriates me. If you are an antagonistic agnostic, allow me recommend some reading materials because the freudian psychology labels that you often try to augment your arguments with are not original. I would highly recommend The Question of God by Armand Nicholi for an unbiased account of the two clashing belief systems of Freud and C.S. Lewis. Miracles by C.S. Lewis is also an excellent book that answers many new-age naturalism questions to Christianity. (Again, this is not new, he wrote it in the 1940's. Antagonist Agnostics just don't take the time to read it because... well you know I just don't know.) 

In the end, I just want education all around. If you're a Christian who thinks that Islam is basically like Christianity but with a harsher Father God - do some research. If you're an agnostic who likes to antagonize any religious person to... well God only knows why you do it, just try to come up with something original rather than using old (and answered) rhetoric into which you put zero effort. 

I understand this might sound weird coming from me because in general while I love persons, I hate people. But what I hate more than people are the willfully ignorant. Belief is not willful ignorance, whether it is in religion or science. (Don't look at me like that. You believe that quantum physics is true because you believe in the people who have said it. It's not like you can go prove it, or even understand the findings of it. Or even the composition of the atmosphere of Mars. You believe what other people have written about it. Simple as that. I believe them too. I just acknowledge it's a belief.) Belief is merely acceptance that one cannot possibly discover all of life's great truths on one's own - that relying on someone who went before you, or goes beside you, is not folly but wisdom because without them, one's sphere of truth will be woefully tiny. 

If you have a question about a religion, a belief system, or anything else - research it. But for the love of sugary donuts, research respectfully. Don't google "why Christians are idiots" when trying to research Christianity and don't rely on the first Ask.com answer you find. Maybe, ask someone who holds those beliefs. Or pick up a book that was written to answer your questions (on the difference between all the religions of the world, Jesus Among Other Gods by Raavi Zacharias is fantastic) rather than searching for one that confirms your bias. 

Okay, rant over. Hope you all have a super respectful day.  

Day 421 - I Didn't Know I Could Do That

So... I'm not much of a cuddle-er it turns out. Especially not at night when I'm sleeping. It was getting to the point that I'd be all the way to the edge of the bed by the time we woke up. And it made Anthem really sad. I told him I didn't even know if I could change it, it was a subconscious thing that happened while I was asleep. But I was determined to try.

So as I lay in bed, falling asleep, I just kept thinking to myself Anthem is not concerned I'll wake him if I snuggle up to him. He's concerned when he wakes up and I'm on the other side of the bed trying not to wake him. Well then. Here goes. And what do you know but that we made progress.

In the end, my assumption of his priorities (not getting woken up vs. feeling his wife's arms around him) was not helping. It was just a little thing, but I should have asked. Especially considering that as much as I hate it when other people wake me up, waking up because my husband wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close does not bother me in the least. Its comforting, even if my body has to learn how to sleep through it.

But more important was my assumption that because something was sub conscious, I couldn't change it. I could, I just needed to change my conscious priorities. May it's the same way with the trust. If I just keep reminding my conscious mind that Anthem is not like the other guys in my experience who claimed to be trustworthy but weren't, the next time he asks me to do something that I would naturally balk at, I'll instead respond with trust... well that would make me pretty happy.

Now if only I could somehow apply this to faith... oh that's right. I already did.

Day 420 - Don't Be Afraid

I could literally spend a hundred blogs just talking about this topic so I'm going to do my best to keep this one short and concise. In order to keep me on task, I'm relying on my formula.

1: Grand, sweeping statement: My whole life I've been surrounded by guys (mostly family) that say things like 'trust me' and then do something incredibly reckless. The fact that I am alive today is a testament that God doesn't always punish the stupid, nor their trusting little companions. Once I hit a certain age, however, I quickly realized that just because someone is an adult male does not mean they have any concept of common sense or minimum safety requirements. Even after that, I still found myself in loads of dangerous situations because a man said 'trust me'.

2: Transitional statement leading to an alternative not previously considered: Which is probably why I don't always trust Anthem when I should. The other day he asked me to make sure this dog didn't go in the house while they were unloading some stuff and needed to prop the doors open. My first response was 'No. I do not know this dog. This dog could bite me.' and Anthem said, "Do you really think I would put you in any situation that would endanger you?"

3: Conclusion with a weirdly topical example: He's completely right. Sure I still have to run my brain through an extra filter of 'It doesn't matter if I think this might be a little dangerous. Anthem wouldn't let me get hurt.' when I start to freak out a little. But he proves himself all the time, even in the little things he's watching out for me. Like today, "Love," he said, "I was thinking, and we need to get you another game for the DS." (Before anyone says anything, we thrift shop and don't spend more than 10 dollars and use trade ins.) "You just beat the game you played the most." I realize it seems trivial, but even I hadn't thought of that. The DS is what both of us do when we want to be together but end up doing something that one of us finds mind numbing. (Grocery shopping for him, any other kind of shopping for me.) And it really meant a lot that even in something so small, his first thought was for me.

4: Concluding statement emphasizing my point: Because if I can trust him in the little things, I can trust him in the big things. And just so you all know, the dog was indeed a harmless pug who just loved attention and was incredibly friendly. Anthem is a dog trainer after all.

Day 419 - Am I Crazy?

Feel free to answer that as sarcastically (or seriously) as you'd like in the comments. Anything to get someone to post a comment. But that's beside the point.

The point is that even though it's been a few days since Sunday school, I still can't get this one guys comment out of my head. "Let's be honest," he said, "how many of us struggle to believe your faith? I know I do. Every day. And if you don't admit that, you're not being honest."

Part of me wanted to study him like a mysterious sea creature, and part of me wanted to deck him. Because it's not true for me, and saying that isn't a lie. Sure, I struggle with my faith every day - but not in believing it. I struggle living it and giving my all and remembering that this reality is just a thin veil between me and eternity. But not believing it. If something is supposed to the foundation on which you build your life, and all of your theology... you should not be concerned with its existence. And you certainly shouldn't worry about it daily.

Maybe I'm crazy. I've definitely had moments in the bleakness, or even in the mundane, where a small part of me wonders if this is all real and maybe the agnostics have it right. And then I remember all the things He's done, and all the things I've seen and experienced and all that He has given me and remember who He is. In those moments, its more myself that I question than my God, or my faith based on who I know Him to be.

But that's not the point: the point is that making sweeping judgments (like I often do) is counterproductive. I honestly didn't hear much else of what he said because I was too busy being genuinely confused.

The second point is that it scares me. This guy has been a Christian since he was a teenager (he is now early 50's). He is exactly what I am terrified of becoming - a hamster wheel Christian that is dealing with the same struggles of faith that they were dealing with in the beginning.

Luckily, listening to Christian radio has given me a new theory as to why this happens and how to avoid it. Seriously, how anyone can listen to those djs is beyond me. I digress. The difference between a hamster wheel and a true road of faith is who is at the center. At the center of every hamster wheel is the Christian. What they feel, what they want, why do they hurt, why is God doing this to them, why aren't they succeeding, why is their marriage not working out, why are their kids such little jerks, why are they uncomfortable, why is it so hard to believe, etc. At the center of every journey of faith is God. Where is God, what does He want from me, what can I give, who can I help, who is He, how can I become less and He more, etc.

I don't have it all figured out, to be sure. I've just learned that when you're struggling, with anything faith based (what to do next, or if God's really there) the best thing to do is stop obsessing and focus on someone other than yourself. Help someone. Donate. Volunteer. Anything. The answer will come a lot faster. As to the why... well that's simple. With Christianity - the answers are rarely within yourself. Because God is not contained in there. Sure, He does reside, but He is working everywhere else too. Go find Him outside yourself and you might hear Him a little better.

Which reminds me... I think I need to get out of my own head for the rest of today. The answers I'm looking for aren't there.

Day 418 - The Weather Follows You Everywhere

Okay, mini blog today. The weather here seems to be just as nuts as Iowa. Don't get me wrong, the storm you guys are dealing with sucks and I don't envy you. It's supposed to be spring after all. And usually I have beautiful days full of temperatures that makes people in Iowa wish they lived here. But today started out with the pitter pat of a gentle rain that begged me to stay in bed and moderate temperatures that asked me to curl up with the internet and some cooking blogs. And then when I finally decided to crawl back upstairs to make the bed and start getting ready for the day, it starts hailing. At which point, thanks to a reminder from my thinker husband, I dash to my car and pull it under the carport. 15 minutes later and all is calm, it's just very cool outside. Mid 40's. Which for here is enough to bust out the parkas. Just kidding. They don't know what parkas are here. I know. I've been asked twice.

The mini lesson today is that going to a new place doesn't mean some things won't follow. I'm totally having a crisis of career... which I was having in Iowa except with less opportunities.

But change does help - the hail only lasted for 15 minutes instead of two days - and I have an amazingly supportive husband who just wants me to be happy and fulfilled and doesn't mind talking things out with me.

Day 417 - Causality Chain

My mind is boggled dear friends. Yesterday, a chain of events happened in such a fashion that while I could not see the hand of God directly, I couldn't doubt that He had some part in it. Allow me to explain.

1: Went to church with James. Asked for prayer for my job search, had two very nice women give me leads.

2: One of them lead to an interview. (The other is a lead I'm still pursuing - will know more on Saturday!)

3: While I was overqualified for the job I interviewed for, one of the interviewers (not the one that the lady at church knew, but the other one) was so impressed that she gave me another lead at a company that may be better suited to my qualifications. It helped that her sister-in-law is the HR manager for the entire company.

4: While beginning to write a cover letter for said company, I began to have a soul searching moment - something in me said that I need to change my approach, indeed even my goal.

5: Which lead to a clearing out my head conversation with my amazingly supportive husband, which lead to the realization that I very much want to pursue my writing and very much need to pray about where God wants me and what He made me to do and what He wants me to do now.

What boggles my mind is that without starting to write the cover letter in which I intended to explain my love of helping other people succeed I would have never had the moment where I could not keep writing because a fire was lit in me and the thought 'I want to succeed' wouldn't be quiet. And I would have never gotten to writing the cover letter without every little thing that had happened before.

Day 416 - Know The Rules... To Break Them

I love cooking. It is truly a passion of mine. It calms me. I can take a handful of ingredients and create delicious meals for my husband, myself, and anyone else that happens to be at our house. I find joy in it, and do admit to taking a little pride in it.

Until there is something that I have no clue how to make and there is no recipe. Then I full on panic. Because in cooking, (unlike baking), there are lots and lots of rules that you can bend and break. But you have to know them before you can break them. And you have to know them to know which ones you can't break. For example: ever cook needs to know that chicken is fully cooked at 165 degrees Fahrenheit. You can't break that rule, you can't bend it. Raw chicken is dangerous, even deadly.

Casseroles on the other hand simply need a balance of ingredients, but can be manipulated to be made into almost anything. My chicken pot pie recipe is closer to a curry than anything else.

Cooking is a lot like life that way. There are certain rules you just shouldn't break - don't randomly kill people. And there are certain rules you can bend - if you're going to kill people, please follow Dexter's example. (Joke, please for all the tea in China, remember it's a joke.)

I was okay at life in Iowa, but part of me was deeply unsatisfied. Even bending the rules enough to get by, or breaking a lot of them to try and make life make more sense wasn't really working. I was missing community - not Miss Erica or Marlise or my mom - they were great - but the kind that isn't just made up of people you love. I disagreed with a solid half of what came out of people's mouths on Sunday during Sunday school, and I loved every second of it. Not because I wanted to argue with them, rather the opposite, I kept my mouth shut. But because it felt like home.

Home is a place where you aren't always right and not everyone cares about your opinion, let alone your opinion all of the time and yet that is what I kept asking from church. I was right - clearly - and someone needed to damn well start acting like it. Don't get me wrong, my problem with churches in Iowa goes much deeper (senior pastors gossiping in the name of love while making false accusations that have no proof more than a failed popularity contest) but part of it was also my problem.

I need to sit down and listen to other people. Even when I disagree with them. Some of them are older than me, and they're not idiots, they think like they do for a reason. I can't just dismiss them. They're my family now. As is Anthem. I don't agree with everything he thinks about life or the world but I do respect him enough to take him seriously and think about what he says. Just like I need to respect others that I don't know as well as I know Anthem.

I'm still a rule breaker - like I said, I love to cook and that's not exactly normal here and I will find my chicken! but - but I don't want to do this on my own anymore. I'm not the smartest, wisest, or most intuitive person I know. And that's okay. That's why God gives us age, to allow us to get wiser. And now I'm going to start listening to the wisdom of others - even if I don't agree with all of it at first.

Because rule breaking and bending can make awesome curry dishes out of pot pies. But following the wisdom of those who have gone before us can also lead to amazing apple pies. There's room for both in the kitchen, and there's room for both in life.

Day 415 - Stifled

Hey friends. I'm trying to keep you updated on stuff, but there's a lot I just don't know how to say. It's so very different here. And not just the grocery stores and the freeways and the mother living traffic but I'm married now. My days aren't full of just me anymore. Which is awesome because I can get a little monotonous. My days are now filled with Anthem. Who is really, really hard to put into words. And I'm just not comfortable telling you about all the things that are happening. And not because they're all sexy or bad, but because they're private and I'm not comfortable blogging about my husband.

Some things - sure. Like the other night we decided to rearrange the living room to try to make it flow better and give Anthem some more room for his music equipment. I was rearranging books and he was hanging a picture up. As he got out the hammer and starting hammering the nail into the wall, out of nowhere I pulled out my best Yzma (from The Emporer's New Groove) and said, "Or, to save on postage, I'll smash it with a hammer!!"

He stopped, looked at me, and bust up. "I love you so much."

Or how we've started saying, "It's all good, guy." In our best Jamaican accent because of an awesome cartoon called Stoked which is about Canadian surfers. It's hilarious. And on Netflix. In case you were interested.

Our days are full of randomness but they are also full of whispered conversations as we go to sleep and randomly deep conversations on mini road trips and the way he kisses my forehead... there's so much that's just for me.

I just don't want anyone to get the wrong idea that I got married and moved away and suddenly became a different person or an unhappy one or that all is not well. All is very well. All is simply very new and far too much to make into a status update.

I'm just trying to find a balance between getting used to my new life, telling you about it, and processing it all for myself. So if I seem quiet, it's just because I'm not sure what to say, or even how to say it.

Day 414 - Culture Shock and My Suffering Pantry

I'm going to go ahead and just say it. Texas is different than Iowa. There. It's out in the open now.

Okay, so I knew it'd be a little different when I moved, and to be honest, the only differences are little. They just aren't the ones I expected.

1) Fresh, local ingredients is not a thing here. My request for fresh chicken makes people look at me like I'm a circus act. Every meat counter in Iowa comes with a place where you can get thighs, fresh whole chickens, breasts, etc. wrapped individually or in custom packages. Along with various beef products and pork products. In Texas... no. Unless it's beef. And then maybe some. I'm still trying to find a local butcher, apparently they're the only ones that would even conceive of such a thing. And groceries are more expensive here. Not by a lot, but they are. A grocery cart that would cost me 80 dollars at Fareway will cost me just over 100 here. And while Austin has some amazing farmer's markets come summer, the city in which I live does not. The main grocery store just sticks 'organic' on the plastic labels and charges an arm and a leg for them. Which reminds me: There are two grocery stores here. HEB and Walmart. HEB is a smaller, more grocery driven Walmart. There is an 'entertainment' section in the bigger HEBs. They sell flat screens. Oh, and even the small ones have entire aisles dedicated to toys. Let's just say it's not my favorite place. And I refuse to go into Walmart so I'm still figuring out what to do. Luckily, today I found an Aldi. I'm pretty excited, except that apparently people shop there in secret because around here, you only shop there if you're really poor. And I'm all like - why do I need to be poor to love reasonable food prices?

2) If you are a female, married, and love Jesus than you should love kids. I mean LOVE them. You should want to surround yourself with them all the time. Because kids are blessings from Jesus ya'll. All of them.

3) The younger generation, my generation or any beneath it, are not the focus. The generation above us, or even my parents generation is. They control things, and things are marketed to them. Which isn't bad by any stretch of the imagination, just a little weird.

4) I have been complimented on my hair three times, all by women older than my mother. They just love it here. It is not weird at all. The standards of beauty are really, really different here. My tattoos are not strange, they're lovely. Which is awesome.

That's about it so far. If you could, please say a prayer that I can find a job. I really don't like being idle, and would love to be able to contribute more than cooking meals and balancing the check book.

Day 413 - And Jump

Future me: "Hello past me. Here's the thing. You know that guy you just met? In seven months you're going to marry him, leave everything you've ever known, and move to Texas. In doing so, you'll lose a few friends you love deeply, and create strains on others that I'm still not sure if they'll survive or not. But it's worth it, I promise. In the next seven months, you'll learn more about yourself than even the OSM could teach you."

Past me: "Why hello short haired hallucination! You seem to be rather insane."

Future me: "Well I am snarky, aren't I? Look. It's going to be a rather bumpy ride the next couple of months. Not going to lie - you and Anthem are going to be on again off again. You both have a lot to learn, and you'll both conquer a lot of baggage between now and then."

Past me: "Wait. So. Like. For reals. That gorgeous guy that makes my heart race is going to marry me?"

Future me: "He is. And there's so much more to him. Which you'll learn pretty much every day. And he'll hold you in his arms and tell you that he needs you and you won't understand why but the truth is still the same - he does. And you'll start to see yourself differently. You'll see more value in the things about yourself that you take for granted. Point is - I know you don't believe me. And in 3 months you really won't believe me because you two will come to a place where you either unpack your baggage and get rid of it - or keep destroying each other in a mad rush of utter and total nonsense. You choose. Anthem will step up and be a man - the kind of man you've always dreamed of but never really believed existed. The kind that is willing to work, really work for his family. The kind that is willing to step up and be a leader - including all of the responsibility that comes with it. The kind that will humbly, strongly lead. The kind that loves God, and doesn't bullshit about his faith, or walk around it until it's more convenient, and makes mistakes along the way but is honest about them. Anthem... is as perfect for you as anyone is going to be."

Past me: "Heavy."

Future me: "You'll also grow up a little faster than you're used to. It's a side effect. And you'll have someone to lean on, to really, really lean on. You can trust him. With your life."

The point of this inner dialog is this - I never imagined it would work this way. I remember the first time I met Anthem. I couldn't keep a coherent thought in my mind. He was amazing. I didn't need to sleep, or eat, all I needed was to talk to him. And then it got real, and we both self sabatoged. And then we grew up, and tried it again. And I found everything I had been looking for and more - but I never really thought it would happen like this. Anthem and I met eight months ago. I always said I'd need to know someone for a year before even getting engaged to them. Apparently, I lied.

But when the time came and the choice was before me to choose something foreign and scary - like marriage to a man I don't know everything about and starting an adventure I have little to no control over - or something I know like being afraid and being lonely and feeling trapped in the same hamster wheel of never-changing life... it wasn't an easy decision by any means. But I jumped instead of running away.

And I'm so incredibly glad I did. So much more than I have the words for right now. So instead of trying to find them, I'm going to go upstairs and crawl into bed with my amazing, exhausted husband and pray that I always have the courage to jump.

Day 412 - Christian Values

Today, dear friends, we're going to talk about Christian Values. Like love, charity, kindness to others, lame 'harvest parties' on Halloween, awkward hand motions to songs that are inaccurate and cheesy, and a whole lot of hypocrisy (don't worry, I'm totally including myself on that one). That sounds like a really crappy time to me. Because it is. It sucks. Christian values aren't love, charity, and kindness to others. Those are just values. Most non-Christians have them too... That's probably why there are all sorts of non-Christian charities that help people. Because if Christianity is only a club for good people who want to show kindness and charity and love to the world - well we're failing pretty badly at that. And a lot of other clubs for good people to show kindness and charity and love to the world are doing it a whole lot better than us.

Which is incredibly sad. Even though that's not what Christianity is about, it should be a by-product of the church. And it is, of so many churches around the world. The American one is just... struggling. And I've got a few theories as to why but what I want to talk about today is the real Christian values. Because most people have values of some sort, and most of them are pretty good. But Christianity isn't about good values.

It's about being honest enough with yourself to admit that you are not God, and that if you're not, someone is and that someone probably has some things to say to you and you should really stop and listen. And even if you disagree with that someone, they're still GOD. Look, that's a horrible way to explain it. But I'm not good at explaining it. Our entire culture is based on the fact that people are generally good and that any god who would send us good people to hell is an old fashioned work of fiction that granny used to try and keep segregation legal. Or something like that. The real thing is that we don't own guilt anymore. Not diet guilt "Oh I really shouldn't have had that donut - nothing but veggie juice from here til Friday!" or mom guilt, "It's not that I don't love our extended family, it's just that the reunion is at a really bad time for me..." but real, honest, I've done bad things guilt. I have. I'd bet you have too but I don't know all of you so I'm not going to speak for you. I haven't murdered anyone or hoisted a bank robbery, but I have used and manipulated people to get my way. I've thrown people under the bus and done underhanded things out of greed. I've lied, cheated, and occasionally stole. I've hurt people out of spite and hatred, I've gossiped, slandered, and all around a person that is anything but good.

And that... is not good enough. It wasn't my parents fault because they divorced (they did, and I still believe I am capable of making my own decisions regardless) or societies fault because I was let down by the system, or even the church for that matter. I did those things. I chose to do those things. I wasn't confused either, thinking I was doing the right thing and it ended up being wrong. I did these things in malice, plain and simple.

There are many reasons I believe in God, the God of the Christian Bible, but one of them is because if there is a God who actually cares about what we do - He'd let us know the way we ought to do this thing called life. He'd have the answers for the hard stuff. And He'd help us, help us be the people we know we should be but aren't.

And that's what I see in Christianity - a God who has persistently communicated with His people, revealing Himself over time and constantly, constantly helping us. Indeed, saving us from all that we actually deserve. Because that's what Christianity is about - asking for help and being saved - from yourself. Christian values are truth - even when it's hard and unpopular. It's finding meaning in suffering because an omniscient God doesn't let anything go to waste - even if you never understand it in your lifetime. It's about humility. It's about loving unlovable people. It's about serving the world to tell them about Jesus. It's about freedom from guilt and a relationship with our creator. It's about peace despite the circumstances.

In the end - I guess what I mean to say is that if Christianity is nothing more than values - the non-Christians are kicking our asses across the board. But if it's about more than that - if it's about freedom, sacrifice, suffering, peace, joy, forgiveness, and impossible love - then we've got something the world needs.

Day 411 - I Married A Stranger

When Anthem and I got married, we both understood that we knew just enough about each other to get married, and the rest we'd learn. We knew enough to love, and enough to trust; everything else we took on faith.

It isn't exactly a popular notion. Many of my peers disagreed with me about it. They believed that you should know just about everything about someone before you marry them. I did once too. But I've come to believe that it's impossible, to a certain extent. I won't know everything there is to know about Anthem in the next twenty years, how on earth could I expect to learn them in a year or two while we're dating? No, instead I got to know his heart as much as I could, and what I found there was a man I had no desire to be apart from. A man I trusted enough to entrust my whole life to him. The rest... the rest I took I took on faith. 

I love that about us. It gives me... freedom. As I hope it gives Anthem freedom. Freedom to be ourselves, instead of who we're expected to be. He surprises me every single day, and I really don't think that'll change as time goes on. Because Anthem is so much more, so much more complex, so much more real, so much more  layered, and so much more unique than I could have possibly dreamed. 

Yesterday, we had decided on sloppy joes and mac and cheese for dinner. But I wasn't feeling so great, so he made it for us. "Are you going to let me make it with yogurt?" He asked. 

"Make what with yogurt?" I responded. 

"The mac and cheese. We had this discussion. I told you it make it tangy and you said tangy and cheesy did not go together."

I thought for a moment. I don't remember saying that, but it sounds like something I would say. I gave him a kiss, "You make it however you want to, love." 

He grinned. And then we both realized that we didn't have any plain yogurt, just fruity stuff. In my head, that was it. It had been worth a try, but one doesn't mix fruit yogurt with mac and cheese. In Anthem's head, it was time to experiment. "Peach yogurt." He said. 

I tried not to make a face, and told him again, if he thought it would work, I would try it with an open mind because that man can create combinations that I would never even think of that leave me craving for more. And as gross as it may sound, I assure you, peach yogurt makes mac and cheese mind blowingly good. It was amazing. And as we started digging in, he told me, "I love sloppy joes. I have since I was a kid. But I always used to eat them with peaches. Canned peaches, which is kind of gross, but I do like the flavor combination. I'd just never figured out a way to make it a dish you'd find on a menu, you know? How do you make this something we can put in our restaurant someday? And now I have it. With creamy mac and cheese." He's completely right. I would order that dish off a menu. It's delicious. And because he had the freedom to be himself and experiment, he was able to achieve a small life goal while making dinner on a Wednesday night. 

That... that makes me really happy about our marriage. 

Day 410 - New New Same Old

My husband is sitting on the floor of our living room, surrounded by papers with chords and lyrics and scribbles and jots, pick in his teeth, guitar in his hands, sounding his way through a sea of songs to arrive at an arrangement for practice tomorrow for Sunday's worship set. I'm on the couch, laptop on my lap, listening and writing. It's quiet in the house except for his voice, singing softly, and the cadence of my fingers on the keys. I could not love life any more than I already do.

I was afraid, to be honest. I was terrified that I wouldn't actually be able to handle all of this change, and that I'd be in for a full on meltdown. I've certainly never tried to handle this much change all at once before. New state (Texas), new city, new relationship status (married), new apartment (absolutely amazing), new job (as soon as I can find one), new friends (as soon as I find those too), new church (which is awesome), and new roommate. He's the best part by far.

Because in this world where I feel as if I know nothing, literally nothing, they don't even have the same brands so I can properly grocery shop here, I have Anthem. And I can trust Anthem, completely. I know that he's looking out for us, so I don't have to worry. I know that because every day he gets up for work at an ungodly hour of the morning, and then comes home to me when he isn't rushing off to his second job. I know because he tells me how much money we made when he gets home from work, even though I didn't do a thing to add a dime to that amount. I know because of the way he looks at me. I know because even though every day with him is a surprise, he is unfailingly good to me.

Which is all I need. Which is all we need, really. Because life is always going to be nothing but newness. Every moment brings a whole new wave of it, and there's no escaping it. But God, even more than Anthem, loves me, and us, and all of us. And He is unfailingly good. All I have to do is know that, and treasure it.

Because no matter how much everything else changes, that will always be true. And as I realize that, I also realized there will be no melt down. I'm married to my best friend, living out my own adventure, and I know, deep down, that I'm home.