It all started in a small bedroom in a small house on the west side and a little game called Viva Pinata. (For those of you that have played it, I swear I actually like the game without getting high.) Though I mostly played it when I was sick. There is just no getting around the fact that that game is more enjoyable with a lowered brain capacity. But I fell in love. And then discovered Halo. And then discovered that I was good at Halo. But still, I would never cheat on my beloved Nintendo. Not even for Master Chief.
That is, until I met Achievements and Social Gaming. They gave me points, not even meaningless points, points I could use and spend and brag about, and for doing mundane things, like breeding worms. And then, I could talk to my girl Lindsey on Halo even whilst she was living 4 states away. We could kill baddies and it was as if she was right next to me.
Nintendo? What response do we have to this? I've loved you since I could make my little thumbs press the a and b buttons. I lived for the day I could get my cartridge of Zelda II to work. I marveled at Super Mario 64 and pretended to be sick for an entire week so I could beat Zelda: Ocarina of Time. I am the reigning queen of Mario Kart 64. I can beat Rainbow Road on the Mirror Level. Do you know how much time that took, Nintendo? I considered our union something that could never, ever be broken. I would never cheat. What could be better than you? You gave me Golden Eye. You gave me the Golden Bullet setting. You gave me Perfect Dark. You gave me Diddy Kong Racing. But then... then you started to get a little crazy.
Yes, Twilight Princess was a fun, enjoyable game. But although I have beaten most of my Zelda games multiple (multiple) times, I've never felt the urge to go back to that one and relive it. Not because of shady graphics (go back and play Zelda 64, and be crushed as all of your "HOLY CHRISTMAS NIGHT OF AMAZING GRAPHICS" memories are slowly crushed and yet you don't care and you go kill some Poes.) but because of a rather shady storyline. I love you Japan, I really do, but here in America transforming into a dog for long periods of time, a shadow world that has literally NEVER been spoken of before, and a castle in the sky that is somehow run by incompetent birds? Really? The finishing move just doesn't make up for that.
And now, while I browse the Wii section of my local best buy I realize that I haven't purchased a game since Super Mario Bros. because literally nothing sounds good. And all I hear about is how awesome Borderlands is or how awesome it is crushing foes with online multiplayer. I look at my little Mii and consider cheating. As it starts to wave, the sinking realization comes crashing down. Not only am I going to cheat, I am going to cheat soon.
But I'm not ashamed. I'm not hiding. I still have all of my favorite 64 and Cube games and will continue to play them. But dammit, I want a gamerscore and I want to kill baddies with Lindsey. Microsoft... you've won me over. Nintendo... we had a good run. But I'm not a one system gamer anymore. I've grown. I need more. And I'm going to go get it.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Just Like Your Grandmother Made and Other Lies from Soup Commercials
I've been sick for going on 48 hours. Nasty cough, stuffed up, headache, body aches, mild fever, you name it. I've been on a solid diet of tater tots and 7-Up. When my delirious brain stumped upon what, at the time, seemed a magical oasis of awesome. Progresso Soups. I watched the commercial and it seemed to click.
OF COURSE. Thats exactly what I need. If I eat that, not only will it be delicious, but I'll feel better just being wrapped in the creamy chicken noodle love that was made just for my soul. So I summoned what little strength I could, got into my car, and went straight to the supermarket. Thank heavens its all of 3 blocks away. But thats a side note. I went immediately to the soup aisle. It was so full of so much promise. As much Progresso as my little empty tummy could ever desire. And oh my Lord the names alone got my mouth watering. Creamy Chicken and Wild Rice, Chicken Corn Chowder, and the Lord of All Soup when you're sick, Homemade Chicken and Noodle. All of them, right there, beckoning to me. I bought them. I bought all of them.
I only noticed the little green 'Heart Healthy!' signs on them as a vague afterthought. Sure, I thought to myself, I would like my heart to be healthy. Thank you, Progresso. I even remembered their commercials about that too. "Made with Sea Salt!" I love sea salt. This should be delicious!
LIES. I HATE YOU PROGRESSO. I HATE YOU SO MUCH. I'm fairly sure my 5 year old niece's failed cooking experiments from her easy bake oven taste better than that. There is no salt in that. NONE. And soup needs salt. It needs a lot of it. Or herbs. Or any flavor. At all. Of anything.
To add insult to injury, they screwed up the textures. Chicken shouldn't be that tough, rice shouldn't be that mushy, and 'creamy' does not mean 'slimey'. If I wasn't sick already, I certainly would be after eating that. Thats neither healthy nor delicious. And if my grandma cooked liked that I'm fairly sure my grandpa would have killed her a long time ago. Or at least banned her from the kitchen. Neither of which have happened. SO WHY IS PROGRESSO LYING TO ME!? (I do apologize for the all caps sentences, but since I lost my voice 36 hours ago I feel the need to yell it in my head.) I feel better now.
On a completely separate note, I happen to have like 10 cans of soup that I will not be using... anyone want to take those off my hands for me?
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