I tend to have a very narrow focus. I like to focus on what's right in front of me. I really struggle to see all the possibilities that are in front of me. And I know why. It's not a mystery. Seeing all the possibilities... is overwhelming.
It's also exhilarating. Today, I broadened my mind. I realized that as much as I do love my job (and I do, they're the best people to work for) that its not worth letting it decide my future. There are other jobs. But there aren't other loves. I've made my decision and Anthem is it. And we have to do what's best for us. And maybe... that's moving me to Texas. Because right now... I don't have time to pursue my dreams. I'm working two jobs to stay afloat and still can't afford my own health insurance. That isn't something worth staying for.
So, I took a few hours, and told my mind to see myself just by myself. Just with Anthem. Not with responsibilities that I load on myself that I don't need to. Don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying I don't have responsibilities. I do. I'm saying I can't take on responsibilities I don't have to. My mom doesn't need me. She loves me. She wants me. But she can do just fine on her own. And I can and should trust her to do just that. And I'm not responsible for my office. I didn't see this coming, Anthem and I had just started dating when I went to interview, I completely expected to be in Sioux City for years.
Plans change. Life happens. And we've got to do what's best for us. And maybe... Sioux City isn't what's best for us. Maybe Austin is. And once I got my mind over that mental hurdle, the world opened before me. There are thousands of possibilities and not a single thing holding me down. Especially with cell phones and Skype.
My small world just got very, very big. And it feels awesome.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Day 403 - Introducing The Wedding Diaries
So, as I made public today, I am engaged! Very soon, I will be Mrs. Valerie Delgadillo. And the blog will start to have a segment called 'The Wedding Diaries'. Because goodness knows this roller coaster should be documented.
I've already got some topics in mind. 1) If you don't want a massive headache, live as close to each other as possible. This Iowa/Texas thing sucks. 2) Whoever thinks that engagements are all sunshine and rainbows is nuts. Some of your friends will be jealous, others will be jaded. And then people will surprise you, and people you didn't expect to support you will. 3) My ring is made of thread, and why that is so incredibly special to me.
And then, because we've got about 600 days left, there will be the married adventures. Don't worry, I'm not going to document our fights or how excited I am about having a sex life. But I am going to document life, and how it changes.
I hope you'll stay with me. I know some who do not approve, nor support my engagement. And they're entitled to their opinion. I respect their right to have their own opinion. But if anyone does not, and will not support my marriage, then our time together is done. In all things, I will honor my husband, or as he is now, my soon to be husband. And will not associate with people who will not honor my choices, my husband, or my marriage. And that is not ever going to change.
I understand some may be hesitant to embrace us, James and I did indeed have our rough patches. When we met... we both wanted to be people we weren't. I don't know exactly who I was trying to be but it wasn't me. And we were dumping baggage on each other left and right. I kept thinking he was mad at me because that was what I feared most, and how I had been treated in the past. And he kept me at arm's length, afraid I'd use and change him like the others had. We fought, we both shut off emotionally, and walled ourselves in. And broke up. And couldn't seem to keep from crashing into each other over and over.
And then one day, I felt this conviction. That I needed to say goodbye. That I needed to let go, and be okay with being alone again. I realize now that it was a simple message. "Being in the right relationship for the wrong reasons is still the wrong relationship." Because two weeks later, it was on my heart to reach out to him in my need. And I did. And we've been blissful ever since. God gave us the grace to forgive each other, and to start new. To just be our very real, very flawed selves. And I was able to find that when I am true to myself, and he is true to himself, we are perfectly contented in each other. He's my God fearing, God loving, God worshiping nerd with a passion for really living. He inspires me, protects me, and joins me in the struggles of life.
I always hoped for a love like this, where my husband is actually my best friend. Where we're so incredibly in love and in sync. Where every day is better than the one before. But I never really believed I'd find it. I am so honored to be his soon to be wife.
I've already got some topics in mind. 1) If you don't want a massive headache, live as close to each other as possible. This Iowa/Texas thing sucks. 2) Whoever thinks that engagements are all sunshine and rainbows is nuts. Some of your friends will be jealous, others will be jaded. And then people will surprise you, and people you didn't expect to support you will. 3) My ring is made of thread, and why that is so incredibly special to me.
And then, because we've got about 600 days left, there will be the married adventures. Don't worry, I'm not going to document our fights or how excited I am about having a sex life. But I am going to document life, and how it changes.
I hope you'll stay with me. I know some who do not approve, nor support my engagement. And they're entitled to their opinion. I respect their right to have their own opinion. But if anyone does not, and will not support my marriage, then our time together is done. In all things, I will honor my husband, or as he is now, my soon to be husband. And will not associate with people who will not honor my choices, my husband, or my marriage. And that is not ever going to change.
I understand some may be hesitant to embrace us, James and I did indeed have our rough patches. When we met... we both wanted to be people we weren't. I don't know exactly who I was trying to be but it wasn't me. And we were dumping baggage on each other left and right. I kept thinking he was mad at me because that was what I feared most, and how I had been treated in the past. And he kept me at arm's length, afraid I'd use and change him like the others had. We fought, we both shut off emotionally, and walled ourselves in. And broke up. And couldn't seem to keep from crashing into each other over and over.
And then one day, I felt this conviction. That I needed to say goodbye. That I needed to let go, and be okay with being alone again. I realize now that it was a simple message. "Being in the right relationship for the wrong reasons is still the wrong relationship." Because two weeks later, it was on my heart to reach out to him in my need. And I did. And we've been blissful ever since. God gave us the grace to forgive each other, and to start new. To just be our very real, very flawed selves. And I was able to find that when I am true to myself, and he is true to himself, we are perfectly contented in each other. He's my God fearing, God loving, God worshiping nerd with a passion for really living. He inspires me, protects me, and joins me in the struggles of life.
I always hoped for a love like this, where my husband is actually my best friend. Where we're so incredibly in love and in sync. Where every day is better than the one before. But I never really believed I'd find it. I am so honored to be his soon to be wife.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Day 402 - Two's Company
My phone rang this morning, around 8am. I'd slept for close to twelve hours at that point, but I was still groggy as all get out. "Hello?" I answered, sounded very much as if I'd swallowed a frog.
"I love you," I hear, "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. You are so interesting, and fascinating, and beautiful. I love you, I love you, I love you, and I miss you so much."
That, ladies, is how you start a morning off right. I melted into a little puddle of warm goo. "I miss your company," He said, "Last night, you remember how I went to that friend's recital? Afterward, she and her boyfriend and some other friends went out, but some ditched on us as it was getting late. Anyway, so it turned out being those two, and then this other guy and this other girl. But the guy was hitting on the girl with the boyfriend, and so the other girl and I chatted a little bit and... I miss you. Seriously. She was so boring. She didn't have anything interesting to say, and she was trying way too hard. The whole time I was thinking, where is my love?! I wanted to talk to you. It's so refreshing, talking to you!"
I knew exactly what he was talking about, I feel the same way often. I love his ideas, the way his mind works and thinks outside the box. I love the very rhythm of his speech. I love the plans we make, and I miss nothing as much as tugging on his hand to show him something I found interesting and hearing his opinion on it. I miss his company so very much. He's my favorite person to just hang out with. I love being active with him, and just relaxing. I love watching movies, and I love laughing, and just walking around with him. Exploring.
No one else even comes close. He's not perfect, but he is perfect for me. And every day reveals that more and more. I miss his company. I miss hanging out with him, doing things with him, eating with him, cooking with him, designing with him, and trying new things and looking silly together. I miss his company.
Two's company.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Day 401 - Judgment
You know those personality tests that you take? You know the 4 letter one? The last letter is either a J for judgmental or a C for compassion, and then there is a percentage of how much you are more one than the other. 67%. I am 67% judgmental. And it's true, I'm not going to say the test is skewed, it's not. I really am a very judgmental person.
I'm not incapable of compassion, I just find that I'm not sympathetic to most people's problems. Mostly because in my judgmental little brain, either they're complaining about things that could be easily fixed, or about things that they got themselves into... repeatedly. If it helps anything, I'm just as judgmental toward myself. Especially the situations I get myself in to.
In my judgmental brain, there are real problems out there. People are hungry, single mothers are struggling, the economy is crap, and hard working people with families are falling through the cracks. The elderly are struggling, and hold little value in our society. So no. I don't care about most things that I hear girls my age complain about. Or most guys my age. Or to just be shockingly judgmental, anything that most anyone complains about - even people in my mother's generation.
I know I shouldn't be judgmental. I don't have the problems of starving people around the world who don't even have clean water. What do I ever have to complain about? Sometimes I get tired. Today is my first day off in almost 2 weeks. Sometimes I get sick, and I think everyone should get to whine a little when they're sick. But... even then. I am thankful I only get a little sick, like a sore throat or a cough. And I'm thankful I have two jobs even when working them both exhausts me. I'm thankful my love and I found a way to each other through all the bullshit of our pasts and psychosis and baggage. I'm thankful that there is hope for the future, that there is more after this life, that there is no sting in death.
Life isn't perfect, and I know I've written, spoken, and thought enough complaints already in my short life to fill a library. I'm not proud of that. And I know as each problem comes, even the ones we make for ourselves, they seem big and overwhelming and undeserved. And I wallow more than I should when I get overwhelmed, rather than thinking how to avoid these problems in the future.
I'm sorry for all the times I've judged. Goodness knows no one deserves to be judged by another human being. (Okay. Please understand that I'm not talking about criminals and lawyers and judges. I'm talking about life problems, whining and friendship and gossip.) I've never walked in your shoes, or experienced what you've experienced. I was showed, just yesterday, as my frustration with a friend came bubbling to the surface, that I didn't have any reason to be judging that friend.
"Imagine you were in their shoes," someone told me. "Stop. Think about where they're coming from. Think about what's motivating them. Think about what they're feeling, thinking, and rationalizing." And they were right. When I stopped to think, to put the pieces together (or listen to someone else who was better at that than me), suddenly it all made sense. My frustration was selfish, my compassion was needed.
In the end... it comes down to awareness. I'm trying to be aware of my own habits, and my own short comings. I don't want to be this judgmental. I need to be more aware of what's going on around me, especially in the lives of those I love and care about. I need to not assume that they can see what I can see, I need to assume that if I don't understand, there is probably something they see that I don't.
I'm not incapable of compassion, I just find that I'm not sympathetic to most people's problems. Mostly because in my judgmental little brain, either they're complaining about things that could be easily fixed, or about things that they got themselves into... repeatedly. If it helps anything, I'm just as judgmental toward myself. Especially the situations I get myself in to.
In my judgmental brain, there are real problems out there. People are hungry, single mothers are struggling, the economy is crap, and hard working people with families are falling through the cracks. The elderly are struggling, and hold little value in our society. So no. I don't care about most things that I hear girls my age complain about. Or most guys my age. Or to just be shockingly judgmental, anything that most anyone complains about - even people in my mother's generation.
I know I shouldn't be judgmental. I don't have the problems of starving people around the world who don't even have clean water. What do I ever have to complain about? Sometimes I get tired. Today is my first day off in almost 2 weeks. Sometimes I get sick, and I think everyone should get to whine a little when they're sick. But... even then. I am thankful I only get a little sick, like a sore throat or a cough. And I'm thankful I have two jobs even when working them both exhausts me. I'm thankful my love and I found a way to each other through all the bullshit of our pasts and psychosis and baggage. I'm thankful that there is hope for the future, that there is more after this life, that there is no sting in death.
Life isn't perfect, and I know I've written, spoken, and thought enough complaints already in my short life to fill a library. I'm not proud of that. And I know as each problem comes, even the ones we make for ourselves, they seem big and overwhelming and undeserved. And I wallow more than I should when I get overwhelmed, rather than thinking how to avoid these problems in the future.
I'm sorry for all the times I've judged. Goodness knows no one deserves to be judged by another human being. (Okay. Please understand that I'm not talking about criminals and lawyers and judges. I'm talking about life problems, whining and friendship and gossip.) I've never walked in your shoes, or experienced what you've experienced. I was showed, just yesterday, as my frustration with a friend came bubbling to the surface, that I didn't have any reason to be judging that friend.
"Imagine you were in their shoes," someone told me. "Stop. Think about where they're coming from. Think about what's motivating them. Think about what they're feeling, thinking, and rationalizing." And they were right. When I stopped to think, to put the pieces together (or listen to someone else who was better at that than me), suddenly it all made sense. My frustration was selfish, my compassion was needed.
In the end... it comes down to awareness. I'm trying to be aware of my own habits, and my own short comings. I don't want to be this judgmental. I need to be more aware of what's going on around me, especially in the lives of those I love and care about. I need to not assume that they can see what I can see, I need to assume that if I don't understand, there is probably something they see that I don't.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Day 400 - Snow Day
Oh, I love it when the weathermen are right. I about died on the way home. An SUV in the opposite lane lost control, but regained it right as we passed. I darn near had a heart attack. But I made it home safe and am now home, soaking in the quiet. How different this winter is compared to those that have gone before it.
For one, while I do still love the blog and talk about how things are going or what I'm learning, I've learned to be a little more vague. Lessons are for everyone, but my private life is just that. It doesn't mean I'm hiding anything, it just means that it doesn't need to be on the internet for all time. Nor does it need the internet (not even you lovely people) to share your well informed opinions on it.
Another, I've learned that very rarely is anything what it seems. A single decision can change the dynamic of so many relationships. So I'm trying not to take anything for granted, and deal with only one day at a time. Otherwise, all of this change is overwhelming. But today... today is a good day and for it I am thankful. I am in love, I am loved, and I am at peace. Today is good. And tomorrow will handle itself.
It's a lot easier to enjoy the little things with someone else. Food is so much better when you're with someone that enjoys it as much as you. And you can try twice as many things when you have someone to help you taste. It's how I discovered curry nachos. Which blew my mind, in case you were curious. It's also how I discovered spicy dark chocolate creme brulee. Everything is better with someone who is just as enthusiastic as you by your side. It's why I love my nerd so much. He's not afraid to be excited, or to try something new, or to thoroughly enjoy something good. There are no words for how much I love that.
When you love your job, it's a lot easier to be good at it. I love my job. I do not think, "I don't want to go to work today." I occasionally wish I could be a half an hour later because I want to drink my tea, but I always want to go to work.
A lot has changed. Wonder what next year has in store. Nah. One day at a time.
For one, while I do still love the blog and talk about how things are going or what I'm learning, I've learned to be a little more vague. Lessons are for everyone, but my private life is just that. It doesn't mean I'm hiding anything, it just means that it doesn't need to be on the internet for all time. Nor does it need the internet (not even you lovely people) to share your well informed opinions on it.
Another, I've learned that very rarely is anything what it seems. A single decision can change the dynamic of so many relationships. So I'm trying not to take anything for granted, and deal with only one day at a time. Otherwise, all of this change is overwhelming. But today... today is a good day and for it I am thankful. I am in love, I am loved, and I am at peace. Today is good. And tomorrow will handle itself.
It's a lot easier to enjoy the little things with someone else. Food is so much better when you're with someone that enjoys it as much as you. And you can try twice as many things when you have someone to help you taste. It's how I discovered curry nachos. Which blew my mind, in case you were curious. It's also how I discovered spicy dark chocolate creme brulee. Everything is better with someone who is just as enthusiastic as you by your side. It's why I love my nerd so much. He's not afraid to be excited, or to try something new, or to thoroughly enjoy something good. There are no words for how much I love that.
When you love your job, it's a lot easier to be good at it. I love my job. I do not think, "I don't want to go to work today." I occasionally wish I could be a half an hour later because I want to drink my tea, but I always want to go to work.
A lot has changed. Wonder what next year has in store. Nah. One day at a time.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Day 399 - I Do Indeed Need Your Respect
I try not to ask a lot of my friends. I try not to ask for as much for as much as I give. I try to love them where they are, even if they piss me off, and even if I don't agree with their life decisions. And I always want them to be free. If their life, or their choices, take them out of my life, so be it. We had our time together, I appreciate their presence, and will miss them but totally understand.
However. I do indeed need their respect. I demand that.
I lost a friend today. A loss I did not see coming. So abrupt it's taken me until now to really process it. I've already forgiven him, and wish him well. But as he slammed the door as he walked out of my life, I locked it behind him. Because that action alone made it clear that he did not respect me, or the choices I'm making in life. And that... that is not okay.
I don't require the approval of my friends for my life choices, they are mine. I do not ask that my friends get my approval. Because I respect my friends. As a friend, I will walk with them through their choices, even if they turn out to be bad choices. Imagining my friends will only ever make good choices is a little more than naive. And if someone makes consistently bad choices, respect becomes difficult, as does any depth in the friendship.
I'm saddened by the loss of my friend today. Really, I am. We had a good run, and I learned so much from him. But he chose to leave. I'm not going to chase him. I've made my choices, and I'm completely at peace with them. I'm completely blissful with them.
The thought that something that makes me so happy can be the cause of a friend's departure... well it just blows my mind. But it doesn't change it.
However. I do indeed need their respect. I demand that.
I lost a friend today. A loss I did not see coming. So abrupt it's taken me until now to really process it. I've already forgiven him, and wish him well. But as he slammed the door as he walked out of my life, I locked it behind him. Because that action alone made it clear that he did not respect me, or the choices I'm making in life. And that... that is not okay.
I don't require the approval of my friends for my life choices, they are mine. I do not ask that my friends get my approval. Because I respect my friends. As a friend, I will walk with them through their choices, even if they turn out to be bad choices. Imagining my friends will only ever make good choices is a little more than naive. And if someone makes consistently bad choices, respect becomes difficult, as does any depth in the friendship.
I'm saddened by the loss of my friend today. Really, I am. We had a good run, and I learned so much from him. But he chose to leave. I'm not going to chase him. I've made my choices, and I'm completely at peace with them. I'm completely blissful with them.
The thought that something that makes me so happy can be the cause of a friend's departure... well it just blows my mind. But it doesn't change it.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Day 398 - Start Again
All sorts of new things happened in the last few weeks. Anthem and I are back together, and better than ever. I cannot believe how much things have changed. He and I... are a completely different couple than we were when we were first together. Nerdy, goofy, laid back, full of life, and honest. God is good, we are happy. I got a chest tattoo, and today, I chopped all my hair off. Literally... over 13 inches. Gone. Snip snip, bye bye. It is... weird. I look... different. But I feel... more free.
I can't exactly hide. You'd be shocked how having short hair brings attention to your face. But it forces me to come to terms with my femininity, and not rely on long hair to do it for me. It's just... very different right now. My brain can hardly see more than "NEW".
I'm still processing a lot of those changes. My life is changing, and I love where its going. By making these big changes... especially regarding my appearance, and doing things to please me, and being content if I am the only one pleased - I get to start again.
I get to start again with me. I get to wipe my own slate clean. I get to rethink things I have previously held true, and things I have previously held false. I get to just be me, and express my faith how I feel called to, pursue what I feel called to, without having another voice in the back of my head. And that... that is worth all the negativity anyone could throw my way. Because I'll know that I stuck my neck out there to try something new, to give myself the opportunity to start again... with myself.
And when I start over with myself... everything changes.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Day 397 - Once Upon A Time
It's Sunday. I do one thing every Sunday. I sit home with mom and watch Once Upon A Time and Downton Abby. Which is exactly but what I was doing tonight. And then Anthem called. I answered, of course, and explained I was watching my show. He agreed that I could call him back, but sounded so... down about it. And I said, "Screw it, it's just a show, talk to me."
And for the next half hour I talked to the man who is becoming my best friend more and more every day. Again, laughing. Again, sharing my day, and hearing about his. Sharing our frustrations, and listening to a calm voice shed light on situations that have be baffled or so wrapped up in I'm blind sighted. A voice that loves me and values my opinions, and speaks to me gently - even when I'm wrong.
I can hulu Once Upon A Time. I can't get back the opportunity to deepen my friendship, to delight in my love. I watch Once Upon A Time to relax, of course, and enjoy some time of being mindless. Instead, I got to relax deep down to my bones and laugh and get perspective.
The end is this: sometimes, old habits are hard to break. Changes are sometimes difficult. And sometimes I'm just... willful. I'm so glad he didn't just let me go to watch my show. I'm so glad we talked. I'm so glad that every day he becomes more and more my best friend. I'm glad that every day I respect him more and more. I'm glad that I find my heart opening, to him, to myself, even to God and to my closest friends more and more each day.
I've never been happier in my whole life. Not even in the summer of 2009.
And for the next half hour I talked to the man who is becoming my best friend more and more every day. Again, laughing. Again, sharing my day, and hearing about his. Sharing our frustrations, and listening to a calm voice shed light on situations that have be baffled or so wrapped up in I'm blind sighted. A voice that loves me and values my opinions, and speaks to me gently - even when I'm wrong.
I can hulu Once Upon A Time. I can't get back the opportunity to deepen my friendship, to delight in my love. I watch Once Upon A Time to relax, of course, and enjoy some time of being mindless. Instead, I got to relax deep down to my bones and laugh and get perspective.
The end is this: sometimes, old habits are hard to break. Changes are sometimes difficult. And sometimes I'm just... willful. I'm so glad he didn't just let me go to watch my show. I'm so glad we talked. I'm so glad that every day he becomes more and more my best friend. I'm glad that every day I respect him more and more. I'm glad that I find my heart opening, to him, to myself, even to God and to my closest friends more and more each day.
I've never been happier in my whole life. Not even in the summer of 2009.
Day 396 - Medicine
Oy vey it has been a long week. It just... has been. Lots of work, lots of missing Anthem. And at times, it's been really discouraging. Sometimes I just can't seem to get ahead at work, and whenever that seems to be the case is when I have to leave one job for the next and can't put in the extra time that I would like to.
It's been a long week.
But last night... last night I got to skype with Anthem for close to two hours. We talked, we laughed, we shared what we'd been doing and what we'd found funny and we shared stories and I laughed. I laughed so much. I felt all the pressures slide right off my back, because I was laughing with the man I loved and everything was going to be okay. We laughed about pikachu t-shirts, about the music in cartoons, about my random cooking adventures, and our shared nerdiness.
It was exactly, exactly what I needed. I went to sleep at peace, I woke up refreshed and feeling better than I have all week. I woke up happy, I woke up productive, I woke up with a clear mind and contented heart.
Laughter is the best medicine, but laughing with the man I love about our shared interests, sharing our lives, and feeling more free about my life, and my mistakes, and my dreams than I ever have.
I didn't need more sleep. I needed rest, and with Anthem... I found it. Best medicine I've ever had to help the ails of a stressful week.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Day 395 - Perception
In case you didn't know, I recently got a tattoo on my chest. "Lord, cleanse me of anything that breaks Your heart." is what it says in small, cursive looking script just under my collarbone, from shoulder to shoulder. It's understated. I even think its classy. It's beautiful. I've gotten a number of compliments about it. The worst thing anyone has ever said was, "It's lovely. I think it's a huge mistake, but it's still lovely."
Well. Until today. A customer commented on my tattoo. "I don't mean to be offensive," He said, "But may I ask what your tattoo says? I like the look of it."
I told him, and he told me about a tattoo he wanted to get. A minute at the most. When his purchase was over, I wished him a good day and he left. My boss had her lips pursed. She gave me the once over and pulled my tank top up until it covered my tattoo. "If only this was a little higher." She said.
I rolled my eyes and tugged it down. I have a visible tattoo on the back of my neck that she's never said anything about, and a coworker of mine has one on her shoulder that she's never said anything about either. And if its a faith issue, the store is filled with Christian bible verses plastered on cook books and note pads.
I guess it's just a different perception of what a tattoo, specifically my tattoo, means. Everyone else sees it as art at the least, and at most, joins me in my prayer. But because she's so worried about offending anyone, she is offended by it. I just don't get it.
Well. Until today. A customer commented on my tattoo. "I don't mean to be offensive," He said, "But may I ask what your tattoo says? I like the look of it."
I told him, and he told me about a tattoo he wanted to get. A minute at the most. When his purchase was over, I wished him a good day and he left. My boss had her lips pursed. She gave me the once over and pulled my tank top up until it covered my tattoo. "If only this was a little higher." She said.
I rolled my eyes and tugged it down. I have a visible tattoo on the back of my neck that she's never said anything about, and a coworker of mine has one on her shoulder that she's never said anything about either. And if its a faith issue, the store is filled with Christian bible verses plastered on cook books and note pads.
I guess it's just a different perception of what a tattoo, specifically my tattoo, means. Everyone else sees it as art at the least, and at most, joins me in my prayer. But because she's so worried about offending anyone, she is offended by it. I just don't get it.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Day 394 - Happy Accidents
Life... doesn't always turn out how you think it will.
I made pasta and sauteed yellow squash and was very excited to add some alfredo and devour. Except I was mistaken. We don't have any alfredo. Well then. Still have some yummy noodles, and yummy squash, but it needed more than that. So I added a cup of water, a packet of ramen creamy chicken flavoring, and a can of chicken and sausage gumbo soup from cambells. And it was delicious. Just... yummy.
It was nothing like what I intended for it to be, but it was awesome none the less.
It's a metaphor. I'm pretty sure you get it.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Day 393 - Battle Buddy
Yesterday, I read a post that included the following phrase, "I thank God, Who sent me a husband, my knight in shining armor, to save me..." I shuddered, and thanked God that He was the only one saving me in my life. The very thought repulsed me. No. I don't want, nor need, someone to save me. I want a battle buddy, someone whose going to be down in the trenches with me. Someone who won't give up when life gets rough. Someone to watch my back while I am watching his. A partner, not a savior.
And then, as I was chatting with a coworker today, she shed new light on it. "Can you imagine the pressure?" She asked. "How could any marriage survive that?" She has a solid point. I can't imagine the pressure. The pressure of being the savior of another human being. That constant need to preform. And then... I thought about it more. I couldn't imagine doing that to another person. To say to the man I loved, "You know what? I'm not strong enough to be equal with you. I am putting my emotional, spiritual, and mental well-being on your shoulders. Oh. And the success of our relationship. That's on you too."
I know not everyone sees things the same as I do, but ladies - I would encourage you not to put your future spouse on a pedestal. He is not going to save you from your life. He's just going to complicate it more. He's going to take your time, he's going to change your carefully constructed schedules and habits, and he's going to be so incredibly worth it. But he isn't going to save you. And you thinking he is, or him thinking he is, is only going to cause massive amounts of disappointment.
Because in my (granted, limited) experience there is only 2 reasons anyone wants the 'knight in shining armor' thing to happen. 1) Because he is so insecure he needs to save someone to justify his worth. 2) She is so insecure she needs to gain her worth by being worth saving.
Now maybe it's just me, but neither option sounds like something you want to build a lifetime on. Yea... I'm sticking with my battle buddy. He's not perfect, but neither am I. But he has enough confidence to want to share his life with me, and I have the same. And being equals (albeit with different roles) takes the pressure off both of us, and allows us to continue to learn, grow, and share our experiences with each other.
Because in the end, the only thing we're expecting each other to be is... ourselves.
And then, as I was chatting with a coworker today, she shed new light on it. "Can you imagine the pressure?" She asked. "How could any marriage survive that?" She has a solid point. I can't imagine the pressure. The pressure of being the savior of another human being. That constant need to preform. And then... I thought about it more. I couldn't imagine doing that to another person. To say to the man I loved, "You know what? I'm not strong enough to be equal with you. I am putting my emotional, spiritual, and mental well-being on your shoulders. Oh. And the success of our relationship. That's on you too."
I know not everyone sees things the same as I do, but ladies - I would encourage you not to put your future spouse on a pedestal. He is not going to save you from your life. He's just going to complicate it more. He's going to take your time, he's going to change your carefully constructed schedules and habits, and he's going to be so incredibly worth it. But he isn't going to save you. And you thinking he is, or him thinking he is, is only going to cause massive amounts of disappointment.
Because in my (granted, limited) experience there is only 2 reasons anyone wants the 'knight in shining armor' thing to happen. 1) Because he is so insecure he needs to save someone to justify his worth. 2) She is so insecure she needs to gain her worth by being worth saving.
Now maybe it's just me, but neither option sounds like something you want to build a lifetime on. Yea... I'm sticking with my battle buddy. He's not perfect, but neither am I. But he has enough confidence to want to share his life with me, and I have the same. And being equals (albeit with different roles) takes the pressure off both of us, and allows us to continue to learn, grow, and share our experiences with each other.
Because in the end, the only thing we're expecting each other to be is... ourselves.
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