Day 392 - When Something Just Isn't Right

It's a strange, strange thing. I haven't slept well in days. I woke up at 7am on Saturday, and couldn't fall asleep until after midnight. I was up for almost an hour last night wishing women weren't cursed, and woke up early again wishing it again. But this afternoon I slowly, slowly got everything done. I took the Christmas tree down (no judging), I made my smoothies for the morning (cranberry and pumpkin), I finished all the laundry (5 loads), cleaned my kitchen (with a lot of help from momma), and even rearranged the furniture. I got to spend hours and hours with my HLM, and feel rather relaxed. I've even got a hot tea that I'm sipping on. And yet... my heart is not at rest. 

You know, now that I write about it, all I want to do is go have a nice long conversation with the source of my peace, joy, and rest. 

Day 391 - Unexpected Struggle

I left work yesterday. I could have worked for three and a half hours but didn't. I was exhausted, and my boss said it had been slow and I could leave if I wanted to. I did, and spent some good time with my lovely friend Miss Erica. We went out to eat, and just got to spend some time together. It was a very, very good night. And I spent most of it wracked in guilt. My boss genuinely didn't mind that I left. In fact, I think she was relieved. Paying employees when they're not needed cannot be easy on her budget. And she always guarantees that if you want the hours, you can have them. And yet, I was wracked with guilt that I had left. 

I had prayed, on the way from one job to another, that I would be able to leave to spend some time with my friend. I had prayed that I could share some of the blessings He had given me with my friend. And I got to. And I was still wracked with guilt. All night I was tossing and turning thinking, "Why would answered prayer feel this way?" 

Not until today, in the wake of another massive blessing and answered prayer did I realize... the problem wasn't that I hadn't heard right, or that I did anything wrong. God was very happy to answer my prayer and give me the time I had wanted. The problem was me putting what society has said is important above what God has said is important. Society says work > relationships. God disagrees. God says "Be a good employee, but work first for Me and for what I want. And I want you to put time into relationships that are grounded in me and build you and others and glorify Me. I want you to not worry about money, because I will provide." Instead of focusing on building that relationship, I was so guilty about not being at work, about not making a whole 25 dollars, that I was nothing but an exhausted wet blanket. 

And today, today I was going to go into work to get some things done before next week, but decided against it. Not because it's not a good idea, it is. But because I'm exhausted, and know that putting in the extra time next week, after a weekend off, will be much more effective. I need some time off. I want to just hide away tomorrow, but know that spending some time with my HLM will actually put some energy back in my tank. And I refuse to feel guilty for taking care of myself. I just... won't. Because taking care of myself is a good and healthy thing. It is something that I am not only allowed to do, but encouraged to do with my time off. 

Because it is my time off. And it's a struggle for me to not put work first, but to put God first. It's a struggle to turn off that ingrained desire to please my bosses rather than my God. But I know that there is joy in doing so, and that in time God will retrain my heart to delight in Him. My job is a blessing, but it is not my God. God is my God. 

How is it that I forget that we have to struggle against this world? That we have to cast it off, for we are not children of this world. How do I forget that putting God first will always cause strife with this world? And God is good enough to not give me that struggle right now. I am in no strife with any of my bosses. I am only at strife with myself, with changing my own values system. My relationship with God cannot be ruled by feelings, but by His guidance and what I know to be true. And I will not waste my blessings by feeling guilt. 

So I struggle. 

Day 390 - Equal Does Not Mean The Same

Look. I'm all for women's equality. In human worth, we are no different than men. The fact that so much of the world does not hold that to be true is heartbreaking. But I'm not going to talk about the violence against women around the world because frankly, I'm not well informed. What I am going to talk about is my frustration with our society's definition of 'equal'. Because it is not equality, it is 'the same'. Which any English, or for that matter any science major as well, will tell you is absolute bullshit.

We are not the same. And that is not a bad thing. But I'm awfully tired of my honesty about my weaknesses as a woman be derided and my honesty about my strengths as a woman be mocked. I am not a man. I do not think the same as a man my age, I do not act the same as a man my age, I have different needs, and different abilities. Allow me to list a few.

There is a limit to the heaviness of the things I can lift. My upper body strength is significantly lower than that of a healthy male my age. There comes a weight limit where I simply am unable to lift it. Someone else is going to have to move the case of paper.

I have this thing once a month called a period that involves overdosing over the counter pain meds in order to function normally. I'm not going to pretend it doesn't suck, or that it doesn't effect me. Even with the pain managed (and might I highlight that these symptoms are WILDLY different for each individual female in your life) there are body aches, fatigue, and occasionally an overdose of hormones that makes it difficult to continue to act as if your body isn't trying to hijack your day and make you sob, scream, and curl into the fetal position. So no. I'm not going to try and pretend that my day full of muted pain, profuse bleeding, a messed up digestive system, an overdose of hormones that I have to constantly fight to remain sounding and looking sane, body aches that pain meds don't touch, and extreme fatigue is the same as a man's day of not having any of that. No. That's bullshit. I'm not saying I shouldn't have to work. My symptoms are not severe enough for that. What I am saying is that I'm going to do the best I can, but I might be a little slow. I might be a little quieter (easier to keep emotions under control if you just keep your mouth shut). I'm definitely going to go to the bathroom a lot. I'll even manage to hold myself together but if my smile seems strained, or I look tired, keep it to yourself. I'm trying.

But you know what I can give uniquely because I am a woman? Things that society doesn't value. I can convey empathy and concern better than my male counterparts. I can read and calm an atmosphere simply by being in it. I genuinely care about my coworkers more than a male counterpart. To break it down for anyone still reading this: that means that I am more likely to do the little things that are unnecessary but helpful - simply because I want to. And as we all know, it's the little things that can make the biggest difference. I'm more approachable for customers, simply because I'm a woman. I can see different solutions to problems because my brain seeks different paths to resolutions than men.

All women and men are different. These lines are not definitive. I simply value my womanhood, and refuse to pretend it's the same as manhood. I know that the natural gifts I have to give aren't things that society assigns value to. But that doesn't mean they aren't valuable.

Day 389 - Death... No Longer Permanent

Nope. This has nothing to do with zombies so if you thought this was about zombies... feel free to stop now.

For those of you still with me, hi. A few days ago, I was missing my dad. He died about three years ago now, and I often miss him. But there was very little grief in this missing. In fact, it didn't feel like he was dead at all, only as if it had been a very long time since we'd talked.

And then it hit me - that is exactly what it is. It's not like I don't get to see him again, I do. Just not for a long time. It's very much as if he's not dead, just taking an extended vacation where there is no cell or postal service. A very deserved extended vacation.

So instead of grief, I find my emotions more and more pointed toward expectation. There's so much I want to tell him already, I can't imagine how much there will be if I live a life as long or longer than his. But I also know, no matter how much I have to tell him, when I finally have the chance, nothing would make him happier than to listen to all of it.

And then I imagine he has a few things to tell me too.

Thank You, God, for giving me the immeasurable gift of an eternity with my dad. Because when death is no longer permanent, but an infinitesimally small gap in our relationship, it sort of loses its sting. If you know what I mean.

Day 388 - Things You Learn When Life Gets Real Part 1

When I was in college, and even highschool, I thought I knew what adulthood was. There are no words, none, to express how wrong I was. Adulthood is more than responsibility and struggle and strange triumph at minor successes. Adulthood - so far - is a collage of the most random life lessons that had never even occurred to me. I'm going to tell you about some of them, because I find them highly entertaining and I hope you do too.

Obvious Adulthood Lesson #1 - Do Not Live Above Your Means

Not So Obvious Ways It Manifests Itself
Boneless, skinless chicken breast is now sitting around $3 per lb. A whole chicken is $0.79 per pound. For obvious reasons, I learned how to de-bone a chicken, which is all around a great idea. You then have dark meat, which has more flavor, to add to things like soups and stews, and white meat to use with anything from enchiladas to a honey chicken salad. But it's not just cut up and serve. Oh no. Oh... so much no. De-bone-ing a chicken... is the process of picking over a carcass, fingers slick with grease from pulling meat from bone and thinking to yourself, "Could I eat that?" There's a point, as you're cutting through the rib cage with bone cutters, hearing the ribs snap as you pry the chicken apart that you realize... this is adulthood. And then you thank God that adulthood has changed in the last 100 years and you didn't have to go outside, cut its head off, dip it in boiling water, de-feather it, dip it in boiling water again, de-feather it again, and then rip out its internal organs.

Obvious Adulthood Lesson #2 - Take Care Of Your Things Because You Can't Afford New Ones

Not So Obvious Ways It Manifests Itself
Did you know you have to clean your washing machine? I kid you not. Supposedly, you're supposed to do it every three months. Yea, I do not remember that from my childhood. Not once did my parents clean the washing machine in the 10+ years I can decently remember that sort of thing. Yup. A cycle with bleach, a cycle with vinegar, and a rinse cycle. Not to mention the scrubbing that you're supposed to do.

Adulthood is a lot weirder than I ever gave it credit for when I was a kid.

Day 387 - Well, That Was Obvious

Preface: Thanks for reading. Most of you have been with me since the beginning, and that's kind of mind blowing that you care so much. I've actually been so moved by the fact that my pageviews stay so high that I'm promising to put more thought into these to make them more worth the reading. I also decided to start using numbers so you can actually see the title of the post.

Speaking of the post... I've written a number of blogs about prayer, usually me trying to figure out why God seems to love saying 'no' to me all the time. This particular blog about prayer... well it's not one of those, that's to be sure.

Yesterday, while running to Starbucks to get myself and my boss some delicious tea, and consequently waiting in a massive line, I opened up my Kindle to read part of book called Waiting On God. It's pretty short, and also pretty awesome. I'm halfway through it now, and know that while the perspectives of the various authors are different, they are all very much speaking truth. Anyway. What I was reading was convicting me so much it hurt. But it also gave me a sudden clarity.

I had a choice. I could ignore the conviction and keep telling myself I was doing the best I could and keep being able to justify my deviations or I could repent, cut the things I was being convicted about from my life, and choose Christ with as much zeal as He chose me.

Thankfully, God gave me the strength to choose Him. I'm not going to lie. It was not easy. I was trying to get out of it for a few hours, actually. "But God," I said, "I can't just tell Anthem that I don't want to be with him. After all he's been through? To hurt him like that?"

Thankfully, God wasn't taking any of my bullshit that day. "You do what I tell you to do, I'll take care of the rest." He said.

Well. There went that excuse.

"But God," I said, "What if... he changes?" God didn't even give this one a response. He just gave me a sarcastic silence that I interpreted as, "If the only thing you're holding onto is the possibility of change, you're gonna want to let that go."

"But God," I said, "I'm afraid. What if no one else will ever want me?"

"Which do you choose," He asked, "Me or fear?"

He's really good, my God. I took a deep breath, braced myself for the mess I was about to create. I wasn't going to lie and make it easier to get out of. I was going to be honest, no matter how ridiculous I sounded. I was going to do what I felt convicted of, my pride be damned. If he didn't think well of me after... well chances are he shouldn't, then.

Miracle #1: There was no mess. No accusations. No drama. No yelling or crying. Just a 'Well, I disagree with you, but if this is what you want, okay'. When God says "I'll take care of the rest." He really means it. All I had to do was stand up and do what He'd asked of me, and the rest of it fell on His shoulders.

After that, I went into my room, closed the door, and started confession. It was not a short, nor easy process. It hurt. I had been turning a blind eye to so many little things, that they had built up into something quite large. Over and over and over again in my daily choices I had told God, and the world, that my comfort and ease were more important to me than my God. Over and over again I had rejected His call to holiness because I didn't want to look foolish, or be held accountable for my mistakes. Over and over I had ignored His calls to wisdom and purity. I was ashamed. No wonder He hadn't been answering my prayers. I had so many idols in my life I'm amazed I wasn't struck with lightening. I went to bed praying for forgiveness, and asking for two things that I knew He wanted for me rather than things I wanted for me. I didn't even pray for His help in waking up earlier, I'd sort of given that up as a lost cause. I only wanted the two things.

Miracle #2: I got up early. Alarm went off at 7, and instead of snoozing my way to 8, I got up. I made food. I drank tea. It was awesome. I want to do this every day.

Miracle #3: One of my prayer requests involved getting an answer by the end of today because if I didn't get an answer soon, I'd probably put it off... again. And within a few hours, I knew exactly what to do. No voice from heaven, just an idea in my heart that would have never occured to me, along with the opportunity to fulfill it.

After months... maybe years of feeling like although I'd 'heard' God a lot (to everyone involved in that particular bout of insantiy, I'm so, so sorry) but had never really seen Him move for me, I get 3 miracles in 2 days. If that isn't a giant "YOU'RE ON THE RIGHT PATH" then I don't know what is.

Thanks God. I appreciate You being very obvious. It really helps.

In conclusion: If God tells you to do something, He'll help. If He doesn't, He didn't tell you to. Took me 3 years to figure that out. Learn from me, don't waste 3 years chasing shadows.

Day Three Hundred and Eighty Six - To Thy Own Self Be True

To thy own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not be false to any man.

I'm not the greatest at this. I like making people happy. A lot. And I really don't like disapproval. So doing things that I know I need to that involve upsetting other people is hard. Why yes, you're right, I've never been good at breaking up. In fact, in the past, if you look closely, all though I have ended almost every relationship, I have manipulated the guy into doing it for me. Sorry, guys.

I didn't break up with anyone today. But I did say goodbye to holding onto the past. And even though I'm freaking out right now, a little bit, because I just removed the net from my future and decided I really want to start running across the high wire. And yet... I feel calmer. I feel more relaxed. I was honest with myself.

And as selfish as it is... I did it to just be true to myself. I... I need someone who gets me. Who shares my passions, the same way he needs someone who shares his. I need someone who shares my faith. Not just Christianity, but the way I choose to live it out. I'm understanding that more and more. And for heaven's sake my humor. I need someone who understands why I laugh so hard I cry at the most random things, and knows how to make me laugh. Someone who... I can trust with my heart, my mind, my body, and my soul.

So as hard as it was, I said goodbye. And will not be wavering. But that isn't the only change I will be making... Stay tuned, guys. This is gonna get interesting.

Day Three Hundred and Eighty Five - Pay Attention

There are a number of saying encouraging us to do this. To pay attention. Take time to smell the roses. To slow down and notice the little things. But we don't. And we should. Not because roses smell nice. They're not my favorite truth be told. Lavender is much better. I digress. 

When I slow down, I don't smell more things than I did before. But I certainly notice them. When I slow down, I don't need nearly as many things, I can make do with what I have. I'm more thankful for what I have. Slowing down puts things in perspective. It makes the big things smaller, and the small things bigger.

It's a lot like I was talking about yesterday. Slowing down allows us to react the right amount, rather than over, or under reacting. It allows us to cry, and reflect that after it, our clarity returns and life is not so bad. But under expressing emotion is a good way to have a breakdown. It's a good way to ensure that eventually, you will over react. 

I don't believe that suppression was ever part of God's plan, and yet it seems to me as if it has become a foundation in modern day Christianity. We're taught to fake joy, to convince ourselves that we ought to feel that way, and project it, whether or not we feel it. We're taught to suppress any unpleasant, or ugly emotions. Not deal with, not work through, suppress. Suppress anger, jealousy, depression, longing, confusion, etc. Which is less than healthy. Suppression will get us nowhere. 

But slowing down will. How is anyone supposed to want to be like us when suppression and faking makes our entire lives a lie? Yea, that's a great idea. Or, we could be real. We could be human. We could love genuinely, and struggle through but not suppress. We could find our joy rather than pretending we've already achieved it. 

Slow down. Realize that being genuine is far more important than being the way you think you ought. Pay attention to the world around you, and remember how small, and how infinitely loved you are. 

Day Three Hundred and Eighty Four - Over-Reacting

Today, one of my bosses told me that he was really happy I was in the office. I asked him why, as it seemed a rather random compliment. He told me that it was because I handled everything so well. Not necessarily knowledgeably, there is still a whole lot I don't know and have to ask questions almost all the time. But apparently, I'm a whole lot calmer than my predecessor. And that's true. I trained with her for a month, I can see that. But... well. I think there are two reasons for this.

The first is very simple. Part of my job is to make the office run as smoothly as possible, and a peaceful office works much more smoothly than a tense one. So long as I keep my cool, and a genuine smile on my face, then it is easier for everyone else to follow my lead and remember that everything is okay.

The second part is a lot more complicated. I tend to get really pent up. I'm not good at letting things slide of my back. I tend to just absorb them. Part of the problem is that I often thing that is how I should react, how I ought to be. And that's not true. There is nothing wrong with reacting, responding to events. I'm going to get sad, angry, elated, bored, frustrated, overwhelmed, etc. I am a human. We have emotions.

All I need to do is make sure I don't overreact. I don't need to lose it when I get overwhelmed or scream when I get angry. And I don't. But it's okay to sigh deeply, to feel overwhelmed, to admit to myself that I need a hot tea and some good literature. It's okay to be frustrated. It's okay to be happy at the little things. The point isn't that Jesus died for me, lives for me, loves me, and thusly nothing else matters. Those things just help me put life in perspective. Jesus doesn't do all of those things so I can stop living, He did it so I can keep living. A better life.

Yea.

Day Three Hundred and Eighty Three - Giving Into Girly

Fun fact: sometimes girls just need to cry. We have irrational urges to deal with stress in our own, unique, estrogen filled ways and one of those is to just cry. I've been fighting this irrational urge for days. I woke exhausted, and have pushed and pushed myself through the day. I finally hit 5pm and just... well I started crying in relief.

I'm thankful that I live with my mom, and when I explained to her that I've just been exhausted and anxious for days, she just let me and didn't need to ask any questions. She just sat next to me and let it go because she said, "It's a girl thing. You need to and you'll feel better when you're done." And so I cried, and watched Bones and sipped tea for about an hour. And felt better.

I mean... as if a weight had been lifted up my chest and the past two days were completely erased. I feel like I can breathe for the first time in two days. After just getting it all out, how overwhelmed I've felt, how tired, how sad, and just expressed it, I'm a whole new woman. Whose going to bed very early tonight. And going to make some salads for mom and I to have for lunch the next few days.

And mostly... try to remember that next time I feel like crying to just cry.

Day Three Hundred and Eighty Two - Big Girl Bed

I'm going to be honest. I had a horrific day. It was awful. However. Because we're sparkly marshmallows, we focus on the good, especially in a day where I wasn't in control of any of the bad. And there were a few awesome things that did happen near the end of the day. I will list two. 

1) I finally have a big girl bed. After sleeping in a twin size bed for 24 (minus however long I had a crib) years, I now have a queen. I don't even know what I'm going to do tonight. I might get lost in it. I'll let you know. What I do know is that it's comfortable and awesome and I love it. It's also pretty because I was able to pull out a queen size comforter I've been saving for 6 years. 

2) Jesus died for me, lives for me, saved me, and loves me. My horrible day is absolutely nothing in the face of that. Nothing can steal the joy that I have because of those facts. It is my prayer that everyone reading this comes to know the peace, and joy, that comes with having that each and every day. 

Day Three Hundred and Eighty One - Know Your Weaknesses

Mornings and I do not get along. We just... don't. I hate mornings. Every morning is a struggle for me. I don't want to get out of bed. I love bed. Lately I've been loving my dreams. Like last night, I had a space dream, and a sailing dream. Both were awesome. And vividly colored. And I did not like being woken up from them. I hit my snooze button for a solid hour. I'm ashamed of that fact. I've been struggling for MONTHS to get up when I want to rather than what I have to. 

Clearly, setting my mind to it the night before isn't working. So I'm changing my methods. I'm putting the phone away from me in the mornings by plugging it in away from me at night. That baby is going to go off until I get out of bed to turn it off. Which should be fairly quick. Patience is not something I posses before 8am. 

And there is stuff I want to get done in the morning. I'm not going to work out or anything. Don't make me laugh. But I am going to stretch, pray, and drink some delicious, delicious tea. 

Why, you ask? Is tea that much more important than sleep? No. It's not. Making sure that I am in control of my body, and am not a slave to it, is. 

I know my weaknesses, and have a plan to beat them. If there is something you keep failing at doing, maybe you need to approach it differently. I'll let you know how it goes. 

Day Three Hundred and Eighty - DIY Day

I woke up late today. Really, really late. I slept for 13 straight hours. Slept right through church. Didn't open my eyes to the world until 11:30. My internal clock told me it was 9:30. Clearly there was some miscommunication going on. 

But I didn't let it stop me. As most of you know, I got incredibly ill around the new year. The recovery has been slower than I could have possibly imagined. I've been back at work for a week and a half and Friday was the first day I felt completely back to normal. So this was the first weekend I felt normal. So instead of sitting on the couch for endless hours, I actually did stuff all day. And even though I got a late start, I managed to accomplish more today than I have in the past week. And it felt awesome. 

Here's my list:

1) DIY Facial. I did this today, and my skin feels like I spent hundreds of dollars at a spa. And I had all of the ingredients on hand so it cost me nothing. Seriously. Do it. It takes about 45 minutes to an hour. Worth every second. 

2) Homemade Breakfast Bars packed with protein and fiber. Here's the recipe (approximately: remember, I just wing stuff and hope for the best.) 

1/2 18oz Jar of Crunchy Peanut Butter

2 cups quick oats oatmeal

1 cup golden flax seed meal

1/2 cup honey

1/2 cup craisins

1/2 cup chia seeds

1 tsp vanilla

Mix together and press into buttered baking pan. The pan should be at least 1 inch deep. Press until it's about 1/2 inch thick. 

Blend two bananas, 1 6oz greek yogurt, and 1 cup frozen (or fresh) strawberries. Spoon over the bars and spread evenly. Cover the whole thing with wax paper and put in the freezer for at least 4 hours. 6 is better. Cut into individual bars (you decide how big you want them) and wrap them in wax paper and put them in the freezer. Take them out for a quick, on the go breakfast. 

So delicious. 

3) Rag Rolls. I love having curly hair. Love it. But I'm lazy. I cannot curl my hair with a curling iron. It takes forever. And it doesn't look natural. And it'll fall out before lunch. And did I mention it takes forever? However, there is another way. Take an old towel and cut it into strips. Make sure they're at least 9 inches long and 1/2 in thick. Take a shower. Wash you hair. When you get out, add mousse. Take small chunks (the more you'll do it, the more you'll learn what works best for your hair) and use the strips of towel like you would a curling iron or roller. Tie them into place. Apply hair spray. Go to sleep. When you wake up, remove them and TA-DA you have curly hair that will last all day. 

I think I'm going to try and do a DIY day every Sunday, or at least once a week. So if you try any of the things I post, let me know how they worked for you! Especially if you do something to make them better or easier. Share!

Day Three Hundred and Seventy Nine - Sing So Sweet

Daniella Mason.  If you have never heard of her, click on the link and give it a listen. Especially "Walk Beside Me". I'm fairly sure I'm going to walk down the aisle to that song. I love the lyrics. But what's more - I love how I feel when I sing that song. That's right. When I belt it out in my car. I like how her tone seems to resonate through me and changes me as it moves. I like how her voice never seems to strain but I can feel her heart crying and yet exulting in hope at the same time. I like how when I'm done I feel a little bit drained because I actually expressed myself, and I like how I feel a little energized because I actually expressed myself.

How do you express yourself? Words were always my thing, and they're still my primary mode of expression. But I like what I'm learning about singing. And how I feel when I do. I want to learn more, and try more, and sing all sorts of different things. There is something in a song that cannot be in words alone. There is something I cannot define but that is so heartbreakingly beautiful about it. Words. Singing. What else? How do you do it?

Day Three Hundred and Seventy Eight - Because It Matters

I'm proud of myself today. Today, I did something that should get done, even though it wasn't required to be done. On a Saturday none the less. Any sign that I'm getting less lazy is a great sign for me. Because somewhere between high school and now I got really, really lazy. And it feels good to break out of that. It feels good to do what I know is right, to do what is best instead of what is easiest. Because it matters. 

It really matters because what I do defines who I am. Especially when the only incentive is because I should. It's a change. It's a good start. But it's just that. A start. There's still so much to learn, so much to do. It's going to be a good year.

Day Three Hundred and Seventy Seven - Hungry

Today is the first day since I got sick that I actually felt hunger. Not 'I know I should eat now because it's lunch time' but 'If I don't consume some food right freaking now there will be terrible consequences'. Which is good, it means that I'm finally getting back to normal. I was hungry for breakfast, hungry for lunch, and starving for supper. One step closer to normalcy.

It's a truth in my life. When I'm sick my appetite drops to almost nothing. It's also a truth in my spiritual and emotional lives. When they're sick, my hunger for life drops to almost nothing. I don't want to do anything. Not even play Zelda. Not crochet. Not write. Not create. Not even grocery shop.

But I'm finally starting to feel desire again, desire to really live. I think a lot of it is because I'm finally feeling better physically, but I know another part of it is just having the energy to process all that's been going on emotionally in the last few weeks. Which is awesome. Because I haven't felt like me, and I'm finally starting to again. Well enough to fight through everything and live the life that requires strength. Because life does. A real life, a life that you decide and don't let circumstances decide for you, takes a whole lot of strength.

I also know that part of it was plain anger. At myself. Don't get me wrong, I could rant about my generation for weeks. But I got fed up with my own excuses, of all the little things that stop me. My comfort is going to die because what I want to do, that makes me uncomfortable, is so much more important. I've had enough of my own excuses! I hope you are too. Because they are all that is standing between you and living the life you're hungry for.

Day Three Hundred and Seventy Six - My Old Flame

I'm not entirely sure there are many things better in life than rediscovering an old love. Or being able to share it and see it all over again in someone else's eyes. That's what I got to do tonight. I got to share the wonder that is Warehouse 13 with my bestie and she's now hooked. It's glorious. I get to feel the magic all over again. I get to watch her fall in love with Pete and Micah and Artie and my beloved, beloved Claudia.

Maybe that's why sharing ourselves with others is so essential. Because we get to constantly rediscover our loves. We get to relive the magic over and over again. It's... wonderful. I wonder who she'll share it with. And I can't wait to watch more episodes with her.

Share what you love with who you love because... there isn't enough magic in the world and you should get to experience it all over again, and share it for the first time.

Day Three Hundred and Seventy Five - Out of Sync

I love my jobs. I love my living situation, and the fact that it'll be changing in the next few months. I love my friends. I love my schedule. I love, love, love my schedule. And I haven't had my schedule for over two weeks. I'm slowly losing my mind. First, there was the holidays. Then I got sick. Now I'm struggling to find my rhythm at my new job. I've accepted, and the guys I work for (those awesome fellas) have accepted, that it'll be a few months before we get truly in sync. And I hate that. I hate not having my rhythm. I hate still getting over the flu because it's still affecting my work. I miss my second job. I miss my rhythm. I'm going to bed at 8pm. Which is better than last week. Last week it was 6pm. But it's just messing with me.

I need a rhythm. I can break it occasionally and stay up too late or do something I normally wouldn't but to not have one at all is just killing me.

And it's the new year, it's time for new schedules. I restarted my Bible reading plan because I finished the one for last year. I'm doing multiple ones this year because I don't want to lose my love of it and just reading chronologically isn't engaging me enough. I want to start working out too - but because of where I am physically - I just want to start with breathing and stretches. But I don't feel as if I can start anything when my life feels so incredibly chaotic. Yes, I'm aware, I have no idea what my poor theoretical children are going to have do deal with their neurotic mother. That being said. I just feel stuck.

But the only thing to do is push through. Is to find the rhythm. I'm not able to force the one I'd like to have right now. My body just won't do it. I'm not able to have the one I'd like - I have to work to find that one. So I'm just going to try and go with the flow. I hate that. But I'm going to grin and bear it because I guarantee there is something to be learned in being so far out of my comfort zone.

What's the last thing you learned by being out of your comfort zone?

Day Three Hundred and Seventy Four - The Rest Of My Life

All from day Three Hundred and Seventy Three being said... I feel incredibly free. Free to discover all sorts of things. Free to fall in love with a new book, a new series, a new style, a new verse, a new life. A new me. Or the same me, just... freer. And more aware of who I am and how awesome that girl really is. Well... how awesome that woman really is. 

That might seem conceited if you're new to the blog but it's actually a huge breakthrough. It's okay to like who you are. It's okay to love who you are. Don't worry. It doesn't feed into my pride. I know I'm still a sinner that relies entirely on grace and frankly does not understand why God loves me so much. But He still made me. And sin nature aside... And God in me accepted... I'm a catch. 

The real thing of it all is... regardless of love life, family, or friends... I have to spend the rest of my life with me. I really want to spend the rest of my life with someone I like. I have to be in my head all the time. And sometimes... I'm a big cry baby. Sometimes... I'm a victim when I shouldn't be. Sometimes... I think too much, wait too long, talk myself out of doing things I should and into doing things I shouldn't. Sometimes... I'm too lazy. But I'm working on those. Cause I have to live with me all the time. And I'm still young (despite feeling ancient some days) and still have everything in front of me. Literally. Everything. Every choice I make decides who I'm going to be tomorrow. And I've realized that. And when I remember that during the day, I genuinely try to actively form myself into who I want to be, and be true to who I already am. 

Everything is in front of you too. And your life is (mostly) the result of your choices. Embrace that. Embrace the power that you have to change your own life. Embrace the power to change who you are - or to embrace who you are instead of letting the world change it. Just... join me. In taking the power back. 

Because I don't have to deal with you for the rest of my life. Some of you... I sure as hell hope I get to. But you don't have to deal with me either. We just have to deal with ourselves. And we never get a break from being in our own heads. So... let's make it a more enjoyable place to be. 

Day Three Hundred and Seventy Three - Grief

I burst into tears in my car today. I was listening to one of my favorite bands and the lyrics just got to me. They helped give a voice to my very confused heart. I know Anthem did some things that made me, and a lot of my friends very angry. But we had our moments too. The day I got the call from Wisconsin, he was there, and reminded me of how strong and beautiful and awesome I was even though I got rejected from the job I had my heart set on. When I was in Texas visiting him, there was a moment over drinks where we talked about science fiction that really gave me hope. He could be incredibly sweet and tender and loving. It's when his demons got the best of him, when he stopped seeing me and started seeing the girls that had hurt him, scarred him that everything got terrible very quickly. It still hurts and I still need to cry. 

That guy that I got to know, that Anthem, that hurting, struggling, wonderful guy that did love me... I miss him. I don't miss the controlling, accusing, insanely jealous guy that came in after. But that was the last bit of our relationship. And I still get to cry. I never got to cry. Everyone was so busy being angry at him that I never got to voice my tears. No matter what happened, I did love him. Part of me still does and always will. Because it's love. No, he's not allowed even a foot in my life anymore, but that doesn't suddenly invalidate all the good times we did have and all the things I learned. Or that I was looking for forever. I wasn't lying when I shared my heart with him. 

I don't know what the point of this is. He's gone. I'm crying. I wish I'd gotten the chance to get to know who he really was because the glimpses I saw were... of an amazing guy. He just has his own demons to battle. I don't hate him. I love him. I just know he's not good for me. And I know that I'm not what he wanted and couldn't change enough to be that girl. We wanted very different things out of life. And I wish him the best. I never even got to say goodbye, or figure things out. 

I guess I feel better just saying this stuff. Just having a chance to get it out. Maybe now I can just close this chapter, smile, say a prayer for him, and move on. 

Day Three Hundred and Seventy Two - More In Love With Love

We're not really going to talk about Anthem. It's enough to say he's not who I thought he was. And that's no ones fault but mine. I lept before I looked. And I got a little burned in the process. But what I learned was well worth it.

See...I've got this nasty, yet useful trick of being able to rather successfully blend into the crowd I'm with. When I was with Anthem... I tried to become the girl Anthem wanted me to be. And for a while, it worked. Until I realized the face I was putting on wasn't my face. I wanted it to be. But it wasn't.

In the beginning, I didn't know that. I didn't really know who I was, and frankly I still don't. I still struggle to not put on masks all the time. But the longer I'm alive, and the more faces I try on, I'm slowly learning who I am and who I'm not.

My new years resolution? To wear more vests. Because I look really awesome in vests. And I discovered that chucks work for me. I like those too. Not as much as I like vests but I do like them. And I really like doing my hair every few days. I still hate blow dryers. I digress.

I don't know if its different for other people or not, but I find out who I really am when confronted with who I'm really not.

And I'm really more in love with the idea of love than any guy I've ever dated. The longer I'm alive the more I realize I've only really ever been in love once and that's an incredibly pathetic thing to admit to myself. Especially considering he recently married and part of me is still grieving. And Anthem? I don't really know that I ever knew who Anthem was. I knew many Anthems. I don't know which ones were real or not.

But I'm tired of being in love with being in love. I don't even know what it is or what it's supposed to be. All I know is that I'm really hoping to find someone who gets my nerd humor. But not right now. Right now, if someone comes along, I'll just get lost again. And I don't want to. I like me. The more I discover about me the more I like me.

And until I know me, how can I know, really know anyone else? Really know them forever. Really love them forever? I can't. At least not in any estimation. Don't get me wrong, my eyes are still roaming but for now... I'll content myself to flirting. I don't want to be more in love with the idea of love and never really know it than to content myself with dreams. I want reality. And to have it, I have to know... me.