Day 466 - Declutter Your Time

Moving from a small apartment to living in a single room with your in-laws forces one to reevaluate what you really need and pare down much of your possessions. Anthem and I are at the point that even though I'm reading a really great book on living a minimalist lifestyle, we're having trouble imagining getting rid of anything else. We're pretty much down to the bare minimum the way it is.

But after a few hours of contemplation, it occurred to me that I can declutter my time. Especially when it comes to superfluous distractions. So I took my phone, took a deep breath, and deleted Facebook and Tickld. I used those two apps literally hourly every day. And gained nothing from them. I also deleted about 10 apps that I never used and were just taking up space, but Facebook and Tickld were by far the hardest. They were my habits, they were what I turned to whenever I was not currently occupied, and often times when I was.

And I was the worse for it. There are things that I want to do, but every day would pass me by mostly wasted. Granted, some of it is because I'm the size of a small mountain and can't do what I used to. But most of it, and I mean a solid 90% of my time wasting was due to nothing more than distractions and letting time slip away.

The distractions kept me from productivity. They stole my focus, kept me complacent, and sapped my motivation. (In all honesty, and without pretense, if you've been following the blog for any amount of time whatsoever, you'll realize that this is not the first time I've blogged about this exact issue. I suck at managing my time and I'm grieved over it.) I'm wasting my twenties. I love my life, but am horridly disappointed with myself. I am capable of doing so much more. And every day I'm going to wake up and try. Especially because Haven is due any minute now. Especially because I adore Anthem. But just because I've come to this conclusion before, and fallen back into my old habits does not make me a hopeless case. It means that I'm not giving up, and trying again. And I'll keep trying until I get it. I'll always be changing. It's life.

As I write this particular part of the post, know I've been awake since 3am for reasons beyond my comprehension with a deep, deep desire to vacuum the entire house. Due to the fact that we do not live alone, that was impossible. Okay, not impossible, but extremely rude. So I had a few hours to occupy. It was difficult to not log onto Facebook immediately on my computer, or just start watching TV. But I persevered, albeit it's just for one morning, and yet I celebrate my small victory. Because for a few hours this morning, I just read a book. A good book. Just fiction. And it was glorious. And I want to continue.

A little encouragement can go a long way. So as I pray that this restlessness is a symptom of impending labor, I'm pleased with my baby step forward. My small morning of victory. Here's to praying it snowballs.

If this sounds good to you, I encourage you to take a few steps with me.

1) Make your phone smart again. Delete your time wasting apps and download some helpful ones for when you do want your phone to keep you from the mind numbing boredom of waiting rooms.

I highly recommend the app Duolingo. Also the Kindle app, or any reading app. The amount of free books you can get is staggering if you search. Bookbub.com is a great place to start, and gutenberg.org has most of the classics. Find apps that will enrich your life, teach you something, help you. I'm not saying they can't be entertaining. I kept Pinterest because I love browsing it for recipes and DIY projects. But delete time wasters. For me it was Facebook, Tickld, and Cracked. That way you're not nearly as tempted to look at your phone when your attention should be committed to what's right in front of you as the 'smarter' apps require more focus than browsing Facebook.

2) Remember something you used to do to occupy yourself before your smart phone, and if possible, before the internet and do that thing again. For me, it was reading. I was the kid who always had three books on her at all times. And a gameboy, but that's irrelevant at the moment. Reading is a true passion of mine that slowly got edged out by social media and memes. More importantly, it was something that was easy for me to start again because of how captivating I find a good book.

The second step (which I hope to pursue today) was DIY projects. But remember, start small. Don't take on a huge project to distract yourself. Slowly fill your free time with what you love and we'll get there.

3) Have grace with yourself. I want to watch less TV it's true, especially streaming (darn you Grey's Anatomy) but that doesn't mean I'm going to not watch the new episode of Game of Thrones. Everything, even distractions, have a time and a place. It's about being in control of your entertainment instead of letting your entertainment control you.

Speaking of, life is calling and today is pretty full for me. If you're joining me in this, let me know. I want to pray for you and encourage you and partner in doing this together. If you're already in control of your time, I applaud you and ask that you share with me and others how you stay that way.

Day 465 - Your Stuff

To everyone who interacts with me or my social media account, I'm sorry. Haven has developed his own gravity, it seems. Not only in my body, but my thoughts and actions revolve around him as well. I'm constantly thinking of getting ready for his arrival and daydreaming about what it'll be like when he gets here. Pretty much to the exclusion of everyone and everything else. Except food. That will still grab my attention.

But you still have stuff and I want to hear about it. I want to know what's going on in your life. My baby A.D.D. does not mean that I don't care about you and your stuff anymore. I do. I just need you to be assertive about it right now because I really struggle to pop the Haven bubble. Not to mention the baby brain that makes it rather difficult to remember where we last left off and therefore ask you relevant questions about any developments. I promise, I do still care and I do still want to hear. You're my friends, my family, and you're important to me. Even if I'm having a difficult time expressing that right now because in between your sentences of 'so today I found out' and 'next week I'm going to' I've suddenly remembered that I haven't read the instruction manual for the wipe warmer yet and am rethinking which drawer I want to store the diapers in.

I do hope you'll forgive me. I've never done this before and while I know we're not going to be ready (who is ever ready for a tiny human!?) I want to be as ready as I can be. And it's getting really, really close to crunch time. Even if Haven comes on his due date, we're about 3 weeks out. Family history hints that we may not make it to his due date. In fact, family history hints that we may be looking at having a baby in about a week. And we're excited. We're just ridiculously excited. And thusly incredibly, incredibly distracted. 

We're already at the point of no return. If I go into labor while writing this, the medical professionals will not stop my labor. Which means that every kick and twinge is being over analyzed by my mommy brain. And considering how incredibly active our unborn son is, that takes up most of my daily brain power. 

So please, please feel free to butt in and tell me about you. I really do want to hear. I still need you. And when you go through the same thing, when your baby brain kicks in, I'll understand. And bring you food. And really, really try to not pester you with advice and just let you talk. 

Day 464 - And We Begin Again

I need to write this post. It's the only reason electronic ink is being spilled today. The dishwasher is going, so the bath I'd rather be taking instead of a period of introspection has to wait and I have to write. So let us begin, and start with some confessions.

1) It's been two months since my last post. Partly writers block, partly procrastination, partly having little to say that would benefit others in any way. It's still not okay. 

2) It's been almost a year and a half since I was reading my bible daily. I let life take over and stopped making time for it. My heart is incredibly grieved by this. If there was ever a time in my life when I needed Him, to know Him, to be near Him, it's now. And still it is a struggle to sit down and begin again. 

3) I'm still so afraid of failure that it's paralyzing and I'm so sick of it. 

I feel a little lighter already, but it's not enough to simply confess. A confession without change is nothing but empty words and there are enough of those in the world today without my additions. The first is easy to remedy. After my bath I've got a blog scheduler printed out and plan on spending the next few days genuinely pursuing writing. 

Which leads us to addressing #3 (we'll come back to #2). I love writing. I'm not always fantastic at it, but I'm pretty good and enjoy it more than almost any other activity. Fear is all that keeps me from it. And that's... so wrong. It's okay to have a bad post, or a few mediocre ones. Not every post, story idea, or attempt at wit and cleverness will be brilliant. And that's okay. Enthusiasm and prolific attempts rarely leads one astray. 

Anthem has spent the last year showing me that. Sometimes I believe my husband has no fear whatsoever. He has such confidence in himself that I watch him in awe. He will share his ideas, his music, his talents freely, without hesitation. He doesn't spend hours perfecting them first so that upon their revelation they are near flawless. He lets others in to see the mess of inspiration as it takes shape, and doesn't seem to feel vulnerable at all because of it. 

He knows his worth, and does not hang it on the opinions of others. He just dives into what he's passionate about and his enthusiasm is contagious. And this man, this incredibly talented, passionate man believes in me. He encourages me to pursue my writing at every turn. 

So why am I afraid? That's a good question. I've been thinking about that more and more the last few days. What do I have to fear? My husband thinks I'm brilliant and so I cannot disappoint him, even if every draft for a year was nothing but utter failures because he would be proud of me for trying. My unborn son is still a little too young to be embarrassed by me yet, though it is far more likely that I would let down my future children by not trying than by trying and failing. My deepest fear then, it seems, stems only from my own insecurity. And that's just ridiculous for I have nothing to lose for the trying. 

Which leads us, albeit a bit roughly, back to #2. I've lost for the lack of trying; I've lost for the giving up, for the loosening of the grip of that which I treasured. All three confessions can be remedied rather simply: an end to inactivity. I have the time, there is no arguing that point. I've let my life become infested by things that don't matter rather than making the most of the time I've been given. That's got to stop. My 26th birthday is around the corner and I have no intention of wasting anymore time. Because it's not just my time anymore. It's Anthem's time, it's Haven's time, it's time that I can give freely if only I will take it in my grasp again. 

And goodness knows they deserve the most of me. I don't want to look back on my life and know I could have done so much more. I'm tired of being afraid. And I know, I know I've said it before but now it's not just about me and I think that is the biggest change, and the one that makes all the difference in the world.