Mommyfession: Last night, I had a margarita. Okay, two margaritas. It had been one of those days.
I woke up and since I had a bit of extra time on my hands, thought that I would do something other than a ponytail. While Youtube tutorials have rarely let me down, they did this time. I spent an hour trying things over and over again only to be frustrated and feeling ridiculous and useless by the end of it. My nails aren't manicured, I can't just egyptian fish knot goddess braid my own hair in 30 seconds, and I don't understand what 'day 3' hair is. And those things made me feel... like less of a woman. Doesn't matter that I have a 7 month old to keep up with rather than a purse dog, or that I spend my time doing dishes and laundry and browsing pinterest for recipes rather than chevron nail art. I still felt... less than.
Then I forgot to go pick up our produce from the CSA, a waste and a taste tragedy. Green garlic and pea shoots and nappa cabbage because my experiments with at home chinese take out have been quite successful and I'm ready to take it to the next level for Christmas week. Non-refundable, might I add. "Totally spaced it." Is not sympathy inducing.
Emotional, hormonal, and dangerously close to losing control, I got my feelings hurt by Anthem right before we were supposed to leave for dinner. I knew it wasn't really his fault, but that didn't stop the tears. So when we got out to dinner, (at which there were $1 margaritas), I had one. And that one felt so good. I felt the stress of the entire day melting away because it was silly. It was a hairdo and nappa cabbage. Somehow, life would go on. I felt myself unwinding for perhaps the first time in weeks. I giggled. I laughed. I did a little dance. Anthem was amused. We flirted a little. We talked. I relaxed.
It began to dawn on me that I was the problem the past few weeks. Anthem wasn't being distant, I was. I was so determined to be a strong, productive wife and mama that I was getting frustrated and upset all the time when things didn't go to plan. And with a husband whose hours can vary greatly, and a constantly changing 7 month old, things almost never go to plan. I was so tightly wound I was winding him up just by being around me. I was making our home feel tense. It certainly wasn't intentional. It was the exact opposite of what I was intending to be like. But I was, just the same.
It was then that the truth of, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" became clear. I used to hate this saying, assuming that it meant a mama who put herself first and dominated her husband and children. Now I understand it a bit more. It's not about making a husband do what you want, it's about acknowledging the unique power we as wives and mothers have to influence the peace of our home and those who dwell in it.
Even as a mama who loves to stay at home, and gets fulfillment cooking and cleaning, there has to be more if I'm going to stay a fully functioning woman. Whether it's reading, or a morning spent on youtube tutorials, a new crochet pattern, or some game time, mama has to stay sane. And that doesn't make me a neglectful mama or wife or homemaker, it makes me a whole person. And a better wife and mama.
