The opposite is also true; verbal criticism withers me. The smallest amount is magnified through my ultra-self-criticism lense and before you know it, I'm sobbing up a storm and shrinking into myself, swearing to never emerge again lest I fail in so spectacular a manner.
Anthem has graciously pointed out my tendency to turn, "Are you sure you cleaned this dish?" into a full blown meltdown over how terrible a wife I am. I like to think I've gotten better, but criticism can still bring tears to my eyes if I'm caught off guard. Or tired. Or already frustrated with myself. I'm a work in progress.
Anyway. We're going to skip the story, because it's irrelevant, and get to the punchline. Frustrated, angry, desperately-wanting-to-point-fingers me goes to God and asks what He wants me to do about the situation. To be completely honest, it was sort of a half-assed prayer. I wasn't really interested in what He wanted me to do, I was interested in how I could get what I wanted.
Luckily for me, God answered the question I asked. Not so luckily, He was pretty blunt about it. Now, while I do not claim to have one-on-one auditory conversations with the Good Lord Almighty, we do have a way of chatting that is singular in that while the actual word for word is unclear and difficult to replicate, the feelings and directions conveyed are crystal clear. Also of note, this does not happen every time I ask a question. In fact, it's pretty rare.
Though to be without pretense, so is my one on one time with God at this point. *shameface*
Me: "What do You want me to do?"
GLA (Good Lord Almighty): I want you to stop whining about it and just do it. It's inconvenient. Okay, do it anyway. It's not easy, not receiving the verbal affirmation you so desire, I know. It's even harder to do with the constant criticism, but that's no reason to stop. Your husband appreciates what you do, and so do I. So suck it up, and get at it.
Me (slightly taken aback): "But what about the relationships? I don't want to become angry or bitter."
GLA: Then don't. Sow seeds of peace and harmony. Live the faith you're so desperate for. That's how you change. That's how you grow. Be gracious and humble. I will see. I will appreciate.
Me (pouting): "But it's not fair! And everyone should know that it's not fair."
GLA: I've told you what I want you to do, the rest belongs to me. Leave it here. Leave it with me, and do what I've asked with a glad heart and helpful hands.
Me: "But -"
GLA: Will you let Me work in you or won't you? Be different. This isn't a real problem. You're not hungry, your son and husband are healthy, you have a roof over your head. This is an opportunity that I am giving you to become more like Me. To love more like Me. To live more like Me. Do it. Set yourself aside and do it. You cannot change anyone, and only I can change you. Do it for love of Me.
That's all. That's the whole kitten-kaboodle. I have no idea if it applies to you or if it's totally out of left field. I just wanted to share. That's whats going on with me right now.
