Day One Hundred and Fifty Nine - Unhinged

Listening to Evanescence makes me feel just a little bit unstable. It sort of beckons me to a crazy place. A place where logic doesn't exist. A place where there is only emotion. A place where there is only the past. A place where if I just ran far enough I could forget what has happened. I could move on, if I could just run far enough. A place where wishes, when begged for with tears, might just come true. A place where most everything is black and white.

The only thing is, that place doesn't actually exist. There is no world in which I can leave the past behind by running around the neighborhood all summer. There is no place in which there is only black and white. There is no place I can ever really forget. 

But there is a place I could move on. This place. Reality. I can't run until I forget, but I can run until I have the body I've always wanted and know that I can last longer than 10 hours in the zombie apocalypse. And that's fairly awesome. I can't have my wishes granted because I cry over them, but I do have a God who hears my prayers and loves me. I can't forget, but I have forgiven. 

The drama of those songs makes me feel a little unhinged, but stubbornly holding onto to the truth that I'm not broken, that my God is good and hears me, and that because life is always changing, there is always hope and good things to be enjoyed, here and now, keeps me sane. I'm not unhinged for believing that I can move on, believing that I've got a real shot at getting the things out of life that I've always wanted, namely the chance to be a wife and mother. Sometimes it does seem impossible, but then I remember a lot of things that seemed impossible until I did them. And then I smile. And know that I do the impossible all the time. And more importantly, that the impossible happens all around me. 

I smile, and remember that being a Sparkly Marshmallow may make me look insane on a fairly regular basis, but that there is nothing insane about having hope, or standing up to your demons. That's just strength. That's honesty. That's seeing reality. So in the end, the difference between sanity and insanity, between being a Sparkly Marshmallow or not, is not whether or not you see the good or the bad, or even whether you accept it or not. It's whether you work to bring light and softness to your world and the world around you, or whether you despair at the dull hardness. 

And being a Sparkly Marshmallow has taught me that trying to control anything, by chasing after it or by running from it, will usually lead to some level of disaster. So I'm not going to be unhinged and try and run to or from anything. I'm just going to run to strengthen my lungs, my legs, my core, and my determination. And that is possibly the most sane thing I have ever said. 

Day One Hundred And Fifty Eight - Flooding Relief

That's how I feel right now. Flooded with relief. Because I feel the weight lifting off of me. Things I have fought so hard for so long... I finally have an excuse to stop. Have you ever wanted to stop doing something but couldn't seem to? I have a few of those. And the struggle is exhausting. Paul had it right, I do not do the things I wish to do, I do the things I do not want to do. And then change comes, grace I truly believe, to help stay the hand that you cannot. 

After a day full of nothing but eating and watching Dexter, I am replete. Life got paused today enough to be sorted. I know the things I do not want to do, and the things I do. And knowing is half the battle. Tomorrow is a new day, and a new me will grace it. It's the start of a new year for me. 

And all that comes is flooding relief, wrapped in the knowledge that things never stop changing. We never stop growing. So long as we're breathing, each moment will be different from the next. This too will pass. Now would be nice. But the change never ceases no matter how stuck we feel. And that is a relief. A massive, massive relief. 

For a girl who usually is frightened by change, this level of not only embracing it, but needing it, breathing it, being relieved and soothed by its very presence is... well it's new. And proof. We never stop changing. 

Day One Hundred and Fifty Seven - Birthday

At I'm posting this at around 4am, I feel the need to inform you that as of 4 hours ago, it's my birthday. Today, I turned 24. Today was fantastic. I got a pie cake (mind blowingly awesome), an augmented reality shooter game from my brother, colored coloring pages from my nieces and nephews (JT being the only one who will get framed because he drew me a picture of Link because he knows me too well), cooking utensils from my mother, a 5 hour shift at work, and a short late night at my favorite bar, and my birthday was a smashing success. I should have something deeper tonight, I should have something profound, but everything that is going on is far too internal to be explained. There is grief (I miss my dad and am so sad he is not here to celebrate my birthday), joy (I LOVE my immediate family), peace (I am right where I am supposed to be), difficulty (goodbye failure cigarettes forever), struggle (hello to the guitar playing (HOLY CRAP CALLOUSES HURT) and running (I didn't even know I had those muscles and they ache like a mofo)) and everything else. It's going to be an amazing summer, and a weird one.

There is no deep lesson, there is only me, laid bare. There is only the very next moment. There is only what is to come. I have 45 days left to finish my 'next hundred days' list. And now is not the time to give up, but a time to press forward. A time to run forward, as fast as I can. A time to prove to myself everything I've always said.

...It's going to be a long summer. And one I cannot find the words to express my excitement for.

Day One Hundred And Fifty Six - Marvel

I don't know what it is, but life apparently decided to dole out a number of curve balls to various people this week. And then they all decided to talk to me about it. Not that I mind, of course. I'm glad people feel so comfortable around me, I'm glad my friends come to me. It's just a little overwhelming sometimes. One friend had a friend die suddenly and unexpectedly this week, after going to too many funerals already this year. Another friend is in a very confusing emotional place that won't stop changing long enough for her to get a grip. Another friend has a dad who can't wrap his head around the fact that if he doesn't agree to surgery, he's going to die. And a coworker just gave me a laundry list of why her life is falling apart and she isn't being overly dramatic about it. If anything it was a little under dramatic. Anyway, the point of all of this is that I would never choose to ignore the vast amounts of pain in this world. My heart grieves for the hurting and broken, it is spent in prayer for those in my life that are feeling the brokenness of the world so strongly. But if I dwelt on it, I'd go insane.

So I don't. I grieve, I pray, I feel, I empathize, and then I let it go, give it to God, and continue to SPARKLE like a MARSHMALLOW. Because I can't change a damn thing by being miserable too. So tonight, rather than being overwhelmed by the bad, I choose to be overwhelmed by the good. 

1)There are no words to express how excited I am about my birthday cake tomorrow. The last time my sister in law made a cake it was full on super mario awesome. She even made gummy goombas. The woman blows my mind.

2) My mind cannot stop marveling over the shape of people's faces. Okay, people I love. When I see the face of a friend, I cannot help but be flooded (briefly) with emotion about how I feel for that person. But that was sight. Now I've graduated to touch. And to touch the face of someone I love is just... wonderful. I trace the features I love the most. I feel the softness of their skin, the muscles that control smiles move beneath my fingers. I've fallen in love with faces. Just because they belong to people I love. 

3) God provides. As some of my friendships stutter and struggle, others grow deeper. As the money situation wobbles, God provides in unexpected ways. As it's time for me to make the changes I've wanted for years, God keeps providing ways for me to make those exact changes.

4) SUNDAY IS MY BIRTHDAY. WOOT!

5) Tomorrow I see my 6 favorite kids in the whole world, work a short shift at the lovely Staples, and then spend the night rocking out to Velvet Finger and whatever Davis' stage name is and maybe, just maybe, get to go on stage and help them sing Wagon Wheel. 

There is too much good in my life to focus on the bad. And here's the thing. When life stops throwing curve balls to these friends, they're not going to need a friend focused on the bad. They're gonna need a sparkly marshmallow to help them see past the bad. Or at least that's my theory on it.

Day One Hundred and Fifty Five - Thank You For Leaving

A friendship goes two ways. One does not simple give, nor does one simply take. A friendship is a tapestry of encounters. Sometimes one is strong, sometimes the other. Sometimes we give and sometimes we take. Sometimes we're strong, sometimes we rely on the strength of the other. And each friendship is unique, there is no cookie cutter for it. There is no one way that a friendship ought to be.

But one thing that is a universal truth of any real friendship: weakness is never to be exploited.

Last night I got a text at 1:45am from a dear friend asking for a ride home. I have never, ever seen him that drunk. He was so handsy it was making me laugh. I trust him completely, so I was less than threatened by his playful, yet annoying, grabbing. My response was exactly what it ought to have been. I wasn't offended, I was playful (no one likes a buzz kill for a DD), and I was fully aware that taking care of him meant more than getting him home safe. It meant being the friend to him that I've always been, it meant knowing him, loving him deeper than his drunk exterior. It meant not taking advantage of his lowered inhibitions. It meant knowing my own weaknesses well enough to know that as soon as he was home, safe, that it was time for me to leave.

And that's why I totally understood the text that I got from him that said, "Thank you for leaving." I knew exactly what he meant. And I know that if the situation had been reversed, I'd want him to do the same thing for me. Because sometimes... rarely, but sometimes... the best way to be a friend is to leave.

Before I went and picked him up I had been in a rather intense argument with a close, beloved friend. I struggle with being a good friend to her, not from lack of love, but from lack of knowledge. I don't know how to handle it. I love her, and always will, but don't know who she is right now. It's... horrible and painful... watching her turn into her abuser. Watching her lash out at the people who truly love her rather than just talking things through. So... often times... rather than just constantly fight, or even politely argue, I've chosen distance instead. Because my words have ceased to have meaning. When you repeat the same concerns over and over again and they go ignored, the words have become meaningless. When my love is rebuffed and questioned over and over again, my words of love become just as meaningless. I've lost my voice. Communication has ceased to be effective. So... a step back is all I can think of. There is a lot left to be lost, but a voice can be regained. If it's rested. It's not a step out of the relationship, it's the opposite.

Leaving last night was a sign of my deep love and respect for that friend, and that friendship. Stepping out for a moment is the same thing to me, a sign of my deep love and respect for that friend, and friendship. We both need to regain our voices, and leave it in God's hands. Until it is time to speak again. Not if. But when. I didn't leave either friend forever. There was no 'storming out' or drama. Just a time to leave, a time to be silent.

Sometimes the best thing you can do, the best way you can love, is to leave.

Day One Hundred and Fifty Four - This Is My Body

I've always been an internal person. I'm much more likely to be wrapped up in my thoughts to distraction then lost in sensation. To fully illustrate this point, when I was 5 my brother would want to play. I used to tell him that I didn't want to play, but wanted to go outside and think. And I did. I'd go to our front yard, sit down by the tree, and sit and think. For hours. My brother would get very upset, turn to my mother and say, "She's five! What does she have to think about?" 

And for the life of me, I have no idea what I was thinking about. But sometimes its important to take time and just think. Unfortunately, I took it to the extreme. I became almost completely internal. Touch had very little meaning. It was not how I expressed emotion, all of my expression was verbal. A hug was perfunctory. I couldn't even feel it when I wanted to. I would try and hug someone, I wanted that feeling of love and relief that you're supposed to get when you wrap your arms around another person. And didn't. That part of me got lost somewhere along the way. 

And for the longest time, I thought that I'd find it in other people. That if I was told how people saw me enough times, then I'd start to see myself the way they did. And that I'd feel what they felt. And it helped. It definitely helped. I became comfortable with myself. But still, my body was more or less in 'off' mode. I couldn't find what I was looking for in anything or anyone other than my own body. 

So this is my body. It is my body, and no one else's. It is what I was given, and it is beautifully and wonderfully made. It can do anything I want it to. I want to push it, and know what I am made of. I need to know that I can do anything I set my mind to. I need to take pride in not only who I am but what I do. I cannot become the woman I want to be without actually DOING it. 

This is my body. In time it will become strong. In time, I will be able to run for my life during the zombie apocalypse and have a chance. In time, I will push my body and it will keep up with my mind. In time, as I discover what I can do, and how it is more than I ever thought, I truly believe that I will begin to live externally as well as internally. That's the hope anyway.

And even if I'm wrong... still need to be ready for the zombie apocalypse. 

Day One Hundred and Fifty Three - March To The Beat

Yesterday had its own rhythm. As did today. Tomorrow's rhythm will be different. I'm hoping for a slow, long day and not a short, fast one. But whatever comes, if I take a moment, and feel it for a bit, then I can match myself to the rhythm of the day. Each day knows how it has to be lived, how it ought to be lived. We just need to listen, and then join the day. 

Because despite how it may often seem, the day is not out to get you. The day is full of grace, the mercy will not run out before the day is over. 

I don't know what it is but lately it seems like I'm completely out of the loop when it comes to my own life. Like everyone, including the non-person entity that is the period of time that I'm awake, knows more than I do and is trying to direct me. I could sit and analyze, or I could just match myself to the beat and see where it takes me. Or... where it doesn't. 

Of course, I'm going to do that after I sleep for as long as my body allows. For whatever reason, my body is absorbing as much of any form of energy, be it sleep or calories, that it can get its hands on. And considering what I plan on doing to it (exercise) this summer, it deserves all the energy it wants.  

Day One Hundred and Fifty Two - Roll With It

This week is going to be messed up. I accepted that at 5am when I was burning CD's for work that had to be done by 9:30am and I knew I wasn't going to wake up and get them done. I've already put in 11 hours today and am nowhere close to done. I will work tomorrow until everything is finished and then probably collapse. I will take Wed and Thurs mostly off and then work at my other job Friday and Saturday. It's a very off week.

But it would have been pointless to fight it. To try and regain my usual schedule would have been pointless. I was up til 5:30am, to wake up at 8 or even 9 and try to function normally would have led to nothing but a day wasted by exhausted lethargy. Instead, I accepted the fact that I was up til 5, that my job, while needing me to log a lot of hours, really could wait until noon if I was willing to accept that I'd be working late that night. And I could. A lot less lethargy, a lot more productivity.

And tomorrow is probably going to function much the same way. Late night tonight, late morning tomorrow, late night tomorrow. It happens. My life rarely happens on my schedule. And when there is no real need for things to happen the way I imagined they would - then the best thing for me to do is roll with it.

There are enough battles to be won in life that we must save our energy for the ones that matter. When life shakes it up, the best thing to do is roll with it. Chances are you'll end up on top. Fight it and you'll end up exhausted and beneath the weight of it.

Oh and one more thing: when the waves of change come realize them for the opportunities to escape the mundane that they are. There will always be time for schedules. But each wave of change comes only once.

Day One Hundred and Fifty One - Mysterious Bruises

Sometimes, you know how and when you got hurt. I'll never forget the time I broke my arm. Or the time that I hit my head so hard I lost hearing for 14 hours. Or that time a guy sprained my wrist because I was trying to take his keys from him to keep him from driving drunk. You remember the big ones.

For those of us easy bruisers, sometimes, I have no idea how I got hurt. Right now for instance. I have deep bruises on both of my thumbs. Like the deep, holy crap it aches so much every time I move, bruise. That I didn't have this morning. That I have absolutely no idea how I got. I ran over the night (fantastic Sunday Funday night) in my head and I cannot remember a single incident in where identical bruises on my thumbs could have happened.

And that's a lot like life. The big wounds, we remember how and when we got them. We work on healing those. And then suddenly, we'll stumble across a wound that we have no idea how or when it got there. But we can feel it. And it hurts. Mostly, they just go away with time, they slowly heal themselves. And we try not to bump into that drawer again. Or stub our toe on that exact same chair leg.

The analogy sort of falls apart at this point, but stay with me. I haven't liked people touching my face for years. But it wasn't until 2 years ago that I put the pieces together that I didn't like people touching my face because my ex used to touch it with a slap, a degrading touch, and thusly anyone touching my face in anyway made me jumpy. I had it so ingrained into me to avoid stubbing that toe that even once the chair was removed, I still walked around that spot, just to make sure. It was in my subconscious. Don't walk there or it'll hurt.

And frankly, my subconscious has a point. Make sure I never get a similar model (anyone who uses touch to hurt or degrade) but better to just avoid the area. Except it was an area that robbed me of something I want, something I need, and walking around it was doing it's own damage.

Tonight... tonight I asked a person that I know loves me, that I trust with my life, heart, and soul, to touch my face because I honestly could not remember the last time someone had. I wanted to know what it felt like, to have my face touched in genuine affection. And I trusted him. I knew he would never, ever hurt me. That he would never, ever, use touch to wound or degrade. I knew he loved me. And it was still hard. I felt stupid asking for it. But I'm glad I did. I was moved to tears. It felt... amazing. His touch was so soft, so gentle. He cradled my face, traced my cheek bone with his thumb. I felt so loved. I didn't just know I was loved, I wasn't told I was loved, I felt I was loved. His touch communicated the sweet tenderness of brotherly love that words can never fully express.

And part of my heart came back to life. I want more. I want more hugs, longer hugs. I want people I love and trust to touch me in any way they wish to express platonic affection. I want to explore this form of self expression. I want someone to play with my hair. I want someone to hold my hand. I want someone to kiss me on the forehead. I want someone to put their arm around me. Shoulder and waist. I want to sit on someone's lap and truly get comfortable. I want... to learn and explore touch. I'm behind. I completely shut off any and all expression given and received through touch over four years ago.

To be clear, not a single word of this blog was about romantic touch. Nor is it an expression of desire for more touch in general. Strangers should still refrain from touching me. It is all about touch used as a means of affectionate expression. Platonic, innocent, affectionate expression. So... no more. I want to feel the touch of  my loved and trusted friends. I want to actually feel it.

Day One Hundred and Fifty - Worse Than A Slap In The Face

Rant alert.

I have an issue with people touching my face. I don't like it. It threatens me. My first boyfriend used to hit me, not hard, not painfully, but a little slap when we were arguing and he wanted me to shut up. It wasn't painful, but it was degrading. Ever since, I just really don't like people to touch my face. This is also magnified by the fact that I just don't like being touched in general. It takes me quite a while to feel comfortable enough with a person to be able to be touched by them and be okay with it. I don't like strangers invading my space. Touch means a great deal to me, and thusly when I touch you, or when I am okay with you touching me, it implies a great deal of trust.

I had recently explained that to someone I thought was going to be a new friend. He said it was hard for him not to touch me, innocently, because he was a touchy person and he wanted to express innocent affection, but that he'd respect my boundaries.

And he did. He didn't touch me. He did something much, much worse. Tonight, this new friend and I had a bit of a misunderstanding. It should have been nothing. I blame alcohol, because I don't care what he says, I spent 6 months around drunk people listening to them talk and he was drunk. He managed to make me feel like shit. The things he said, "Well if this is how it's going to be then you can drop me and go find another chum." or "Hear me out or I'll let you go like a fart in the wind." (Had to be drunk because when he's sober he's really not that big of an asshole) hurt so much more than a slap in the face.

I feel completely degraded and disrespected. A boy, who is too old to be called that but who is acting like it none the less, who told me that he'd respect my boundaries and work to earn my trust and wanted to get to know me because I was just so fascinating and beautiful... Maybe it is my fault. Maybe I only wanted to see something in him, the potential for a new friend, because I liked the compliments. I hope I'm not that shallow... but maybe. Anyway. That boy took something that should have been nothing, (literally him asking me why I was upset and me saying, 'nothing.') and made it into the most drama-tastic shit fest I've seen since high school. Somehow I had wounded him by not telling him what was wrong, that I had completely disregarded his concern for me and that hurt. This from the same boy who had, not two days ago, told me that when I did have a bad day he wanted to be there to make it better. I had a stressful day, and am now ending it in a rant because no physical slap has ever hurt me the way he has tonight. I don't remember the last time I felt so degraded, and I worked as a cocktail waitress at a bar who got her ass slapped and had men trying to put money in my bra 'cause you'd make a great stripper'.

At the end of this rant, all I can say is how glad I am that I never let him touch me. Had he touched my face, I'm fairly sure I'd want to vomit. This is why I'm so careful with people, this is why I hold so many at arm's length. I'm usually a fairly decent judge of character but holy schnikes I was wrong on this one. 110% wrong. When someone can, in a single 5 minute conversation, do more damage than a well placed slap to the face, that is someone that I have absolutely no business being around. Those are people that can do real damage and do it fast.

Thank God I've had (and have) enough wonderful men in my life to have enough self respect to walk away immediately.

Day One Hundred and Forty Nine - Stupid Tired

I sleep. A lot. More than the average person. And when I don't... I get stupid. Like right now. Two days in a row with less than 6 hours. That is all it takes to get me drunk tired. Stumbling tired. Can't see straight tired. Want to cuddle tired.

But there is no getting around it, each late night was totally worth it. Thursday I was up with my buddy and getting the time alone in the car I needed. Yesterday was spent getting to know a new person. Both nights were fantastic and deeply needed. Both nights left me short of sleep. Which has led us to this: me being so tired I'm literally dumber. 

The lesson is simple: sometimes you have to do things that are good, necessary, and exhausting. And then you're exhausted. It's okay. It's just being tired. Never, ever regret doing something that a good night's sleep can fix. 

Day One Hundred and Forty Eight - Because...

Because I am beautiful. Because I am strong. Because I am weak. Because I am graceful. Because I have found grace. Because I love. Because I love you. Because my smile spreads. Because I am so full of life I cannot help but burst with it. Because I am peaceful. Because I am understanding. Because I understand you. Because I am beautiful. Because I am lovely. Because I am unforgettable. Because there is no other me. Because my socks never match. Because I love hammocks. Because when you're with me nothing else matters. Because I am a fighter. Because I am loyal. Because I never fully let go. Because I love God. Because I chase Him. Because my hair always smells good. Because I have overcome. Because I'm not running anymore. Because I can write what you think. Because I am more than the sum of my parts. Because I can cook a wicked shepherd's pie. Because my shoes are still broken. Because my car is a place outside of this world. Because I hold the key to my bridge. Because no matter where I take you it's a place you want to go. Because I have loved and lost. Because I have grown. Because I will chase His glory to my death. Because I can swing dance. Because I stress cook. Because I crochet. Because I like mythbusters, eureka, and warehouse 13. Because I like to watch you play video games. Because I am small. Because I am frail. Because I am unbreakable. Because I learned. Because I broke. Because I never gave up. Because I stand tall. Because I am sweet. Because I am sarcastic. Because I cry. Because I sing... decently. Because I make the ordinary extraordinary. Because I make the mundane sparkle. Because I am honest. Because I dance. Because I rock out in my car to remade disney pop songs. Because I clam up when in big groups. Because I have snarky comments that no one ever hears. Because I love eminem. Because I love beauty and the beast. Because I can form theology out of my love of Zelda. Because I cannot get a tan. Because I love tattoos. Because my hair is never down. Because I think Matt Chandler sounds like John Malcovich. Because I listen to Mark Driscoll when I do dishes. Because I hate dishes with a fiery, all consuming passion. Because I'm failing at growing an herb garden. Because I can see. Because I forgive. Because I am so much more than the girl you used to know.

Because I am His gift to you.

That is why you will love me. That is why you will find me, chase me, and love me forever. That is why I wait for you. Because you are His gift to me.

Day One Hundred and Forty Seven - Home

I'm sitting in bed as I write this, my bed, in my home. But I'm not home. This isn't home. Even the center of my world, the gorgeous, mysterious, and mesmerizing Chapel by the Lake isn't home. And I so long to go home.

I yearn for home in a way I don't have words for. It is a deep and joyous ache, for it is a longing that will be fulfilled. It is a desire that is filled with hope. And a very non-morbid impatience. I will never chase death, but when it comes for me I will greet it like the friend it is. For it will take me home.

Earlier this week I had a conversation with a friend that challenged me. He asked so many questions about faith, truth, and perception. After having that conversation and thinking on it for a few days, I would highly recommend he read Miracles by C.S. Lewis. Everyone should read that book, but him especially. "But how do you know?" He asked, speaking of my faith. "Because it's just your perception."

But it's not. And this is where the Rabbit Hole stops bleeding into reality and replaces it. I know myself, I know what I am capable of, I know the deepest longings of my heart, and I know when I cease and another begins. I'm rather ashamed to admit that this journey with Christianity started about 12 years ago, but my journey with Christ started about three years ago. And yes, there is a huge difference. But even three years ago, when my heart burned with passion, I couldn't understand those who embraced death. I was a 'rage rage against the dying of the light' sort of girl. There was so much life to be lived! So much to be done! So much to see and experience, to taste and touch, to feel. Even in the midst of depression, some part of me raged for life. For living. It is only as I have overcome, as He has overcome through me, that this desire has taken root in my heart. My desire to be home. It is a desire my humanness renders me incapable of. I cannot desire a mystery that I do not grasp, unless it is Him in me drawing me near.

To put it another way, you cannot want something you don't know exists. Not in the 'I doubt there is a heaven' sort of not knowing it exists, but in the 'if we had been made without eyes, we would never desire to see, for it would be so entirely out of our comprehension what on earth sight would be' sort of not knowing it exists. In this world, there are hints of incomprehensible joy of God. A child's laughter, the meaning behind the words 'I love you', the comfort in a parent's arms, bacon. But only hints. Only shadows. Meant to draw us in, to pull us behind the curtain. Even so, I've only glimpsed what is behind the curtain, the true reality. And it completely, unchangingly, unbendingly, consumed my heart.

To go home, to be completely with Him is my only desire. All others have become secondary. To marry and have children, so that I might know a deeper love and be able to love Him and know Him more. To live out my life serving Him, only to show Him to the world so that more may know Him before He calls me home. And with each passing day, the desire only grows. My face has been set. On Him.

Everything else fades. He must become more, I must become less. For as this life goes on, as I surrender more and more of myself to Him, my desire to go home, to be with Him will only grow stronger. What a blessing to know that each step, each day, pulls me closer to fulfillment.

"When the hands of time wind fully down and the earth is rolled up like a scroll, the trumpets will sound and the world will bow to it's knees as we go home singing blessing and honor, glory and power, forever to our God."

Day One Hundred and Forty Six - Not Without Pain

You know what's not easy? Growing. 

And I'm mildly frustrated with people who are somehow convinced that it ought to be. Growing is not easy, changing is not easy, learning is not easy, becoming the person you want to be is not easy. Forward motion never happens on accident. It happens with work and determination and frankly, a high probability of pain.

You know what hurts? Facing your demons. Looking them dead in the eye as they spew out their hatred and temptations and telling them off. It's possible, it's beneficial, but it is not without pain. 

You know what else hurts? Learning the guitar. Mother trucker I can hardly type because my fingers are so raw. But it feels excellent. I have ALWAYS wanted to play guitar and I'm finally dedicating the time and energy into learning it. That and God has provided a rather kick ass instructor. 

You know what else hurts? Looking at your true self in the mirror, facing your faults, acknowledging your strengths, and figuring out who it is you want to be. You know what hurts worse? Becoming that person through determination, perseverance, and pain.

You know what does't make the pain go away? God. You know why? Because pain isn't always bad. The pain in my fingers isn't bad, it's a sign of growth and learning in ways my body isn't used to. The initial emotional pain of facing your demons and defeating them isn't bad, it's a sign of strength and results in newfound dignity. The pain of stretching yourself, being honest with yourself, outgrowing the childishness and becoming the adult, the pain of acknowledged failure and the growth of fighting through it, is all good, healthy pain. So no, God doesn't make it painless. That kind of pain is a blessing, it is a gift. It is proof of change, proof of growth, proof of success. 

Instead of running from pain, push through it. It won't hurt forever, I promise. Pain is always followed by strength. Push through it into who you were made to be, who you want to be, doing what you want to do. Don't be bullied by ease and comfort; don't let either one dictate your life. 

And most importantly, don't assume that because it hurts it isn't God's will or that God isn't with you in it. Growth is usually a sign of God's presence, ease and comfort are not. Growth isn't easy or painless, but it is worth it. And He will help you. But He will never make it painless.

Day One Hundred and Forty Five - When I Acknowledge His Control

The thing I love most about God is that I will never, ever reach the point where I say, "I understand You entirely." Never, ever, ever. I am always amazed, surprised, endeared, humbled, grateful, and unendingly curious as my God reveals more and more about Himself in my life.

And He is constantly working, and thusly through His actions, constantly revealing Himself, but I notice it a whole lot more when I take a step back and really acknowledge that He is in control and watch Him work.

For instance, this week, I felt very called into the wilderness. I knew He was distancing me from a lot of people, and doing it out of love because He knew I needed some alone time, and more time with Him. I knew He was distancing me from some people, but now I see He's also almost tethering me to others, and to my eye, the choices seem completely random. Or at least they did at first.

But then I started to see things, choices, that on second look were actual rather incredible choices and made with a clear purpose in mind. Now I'm not saying the following examples are conclusive or exhaustive, humans and our relationships are far too complex for that, these are just a few of the things I've noticed over the past few days.

I have felt a distance from my usual tether to reality when I get scared, and tethered to a friend that pushes me out into the world far too often for my comfort.

I have felt a distance from a close Christian friend that I often share my heart with, and tethered to a very broken, very new, friend that, oddly enough, needed me to be broken with her.

I have felt a distance from my close friends who provide me with an escape, and felt closer to a friend with a new form of self expression to teach me.

Looking at it that way, it makes a ton of sense, and is done in total and complete love. Though He may be keeping me close with someone who often takes me out of my comfort zone, He's also providing me with more alone time to recover. I can see His hand firmly directing my steps. Time I planned to spend alone is instead spent laughing with a friend. Time I intended to spend with a friend is instead spent with Him. I'm definitely on my toes, but so far each new twist is a new wonder.

I don't know what's coming next, and I love that, because it seems there is at least one more thing He is teaching me right now: when surprises come from one you trust, then they are wonderful, loving, and exciting. I trust Him. So He can surprise me all He wants to and I won't balk at all.

I encourage you to take a moment tonight, take a step back, and look at your life through the lens of His Omnipotence. What is He doing in your life? What is He changing that is taking you by surprise? And what is that revealing about Him?

My main lesson that I'm taking away from watching Him work? What He sees in people is very different than what I see. And His sight is much more accurate than mine.

God, thanks for taking over control of my social interactions. You do a way better job of deciding who I should be with, when, and where, than I am. You're awesome.

Day One Hundred and Forty Four - Setting My Heart

"When the days drew near for him to be taken up, he set his face to go to Jerusalem." Luke 9:51

I have never once paid attention to this verse before. It was a glance over verse. A stylistic set up for the next portion of the story to be told. That is... until recently. I remember hearing a sermon about it a few months ago, who knows, maybe it was over a year ago, about how Jesus set his face to go to Jerusalem and what that really meant. It was not a glance over verse, or a stylistic set up. It is a verse that must be "unpacked", and frankly applied to our own lives. What we 'set our face' to, or 'set our heart' to, has massive implications for the entirety of our lives. It affects every part.

There are multiple questions that accompany such a statement. What is my heart set to right now? Where will that take me? Who decided that? Did I let God set my heart or did I set it without Him? Do I trust God enough to let Him be the one to set my heart? Will I fully submit to where He wants me to go? Do I trust that whatever He decides will be infinitely better than any decision I would make?

However, we cannot come to any sort of conclusion without looking at a very interrelated verse, Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." This has two possible meanings, but the one I want to focus on is God giving our heart desires. When I delight myself in the Lord, what my heart desires changes. It changes from fleeting pleasures, to eternal ones. Jesus is an eternal delight. Worship, knowledge of God, being made more like Him, sharing Him with others, serving Him, are eternal delights. Peace, Love, Abundance, Security, Life, are all byproducts of those things. They are all eternal delights. When He gives my heart desires and I chase them, I find the things I yearn for but cannot do or have without Him. Lasting, honest, cherished relationships. Love. Security in a very uncertain world. Life for an often timid girl. And abundance of all the things I need.

And so now, He has given me a new desire. But this one is different from the others. This one is my calling. This one is a place to set my face, to set my heart. This one is a journey, full of things to do between here and there, which frankly will take decades. But my heart has been set. And... I wish I knew how to describe it to you, to anyone, but the peace in my heart is overwhelming. My heart is glad, it is set firmly by the Hand that I love and that I know loves me more than I could possibly comprehend. I have no doubts, there is no waver. My face is set.

And it will affect my decisions. Where I spend my time, my money, which friendships I pursue, where I live. Where your heart is set always affects time, money, friendships, life style. But there is peace, and a fulfillment deeper than words in this. There is a joy in pursuing this desire, one that I do not yet fully understand, nor do I expect to. There is a hope in it that shines brighter than any I have known before. There is a security in knowing that He is with me, and I will never be alone. I know where my heart is set, and my heart is glad. It is at peace, and it is fulfilled. Where is your heart set?

That question isn't answered in a day, and often changes throughout life. First it can be set on a spouse or a family, or the dream job, then it may switch to grandchildren and retirement. But those things will come and they will go. People will fail you, even though you need them and love them, even though they need you and love you. Things are fleeting and easily destroyed. Life is short. Where is your heart set?

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." 

Day One Hundred and Forty Three - Taking The Week Off

This week, I might not be the best friend. It's not because I don't love you, or because I don't care. It's because I need to do a few things for me. I need to get some alone time to do things in my life that I want to do. Things that I need to do, for myself, by myself. 

I may not text as much, or respond slower. I've found myself constantly on my phone when I need to be constantly in prayer. I want to be more connected to Him and less connected to technology. 

I still have two jobs and can't take time off of them, I don't have any desire to. Tuesday will remain utterly unchanged and you can believe that I'm going to be at Sunday Funday. But for the next week at least, day in and day out, I'm going to be less accessible. Because I need this. I need this for me. I need this time. And I'm going to take it. 

I can hear Him calling me, you see. And we have much to discuss. And yes, He is my first priority. Even over you. And I find it more difficult to hear Him above all of the other voices. So I'm not going to ask you what to do, or to analyze anything for me. Not this week. This week, I want a quiet to take over my life so that His voice can ring out the clearer. 

Have a good week, guys. I'm not sure how this week will be properly reflected in the blog, but I have an idea. 

P.S. To the OSM, this is no way negates my rather desperate need for a very big hug. I may not have much to say, but your hugs are always good for me. 

Day One Hundred and Forty Two - I Think I Broke Myself

No, really. I think I broke myself. This week has been less than kind to me, but my wild reactions to it haven't been entirely justified. I had a dream about my dad that made me emotional. There were a few crises here and there at work. Nothing huge, and yet I sort of went ballistic. My only conclusion is that I broke. Something in me just... broke. Because after the whirlwind of emotion that this week has been, tonight I don't feel a damned thing. And it's not a drunk or drugged numb. It's like a... short in the circuit. I think I actually blew my own fuse. I overloaded my capacity for emotion and just shorted out.

But it's numbness, not peace. And I don't want to be numb. Granted, I'm not saying it's great for the people around me to have to deal with me on emotional overload, but I would personally prefer that to this weirdness. I hope it passes in the night and by morning I'll be back to my regular old self.

Any other option is mildly terrifying. Because I don't know what to do with this numbness. I'm neither tired nor awake. I don't want to be alone but I don't want to be around anyone. I'm not hungry but would probably eat. I have nothing that I want to be doing but don't want to do nothing. I don't know how to reconnect the short, and while I know that I need to do that, I feel nothing but apathy about it. I honestly think I managed to break myself.

I don't have any inspirational way to end this tonight. I'm usually pretty good at those. I guess I'm up for suggestions? Have you ever broken yourself? How did you fix it? Do I just need a good movie marathon or something? I can't cook anymore, my fridge is packed... I could definitely do laundry tomorrow though. I digress.

I know how I want to end this. I may not be able to feel anything right now, neither joy nor sadness, peace or madness. But what I feel does not dictate my truth. And so tonight, though I cannot feel Him, I know He is with me. Though I cannot hear Him, I know He hears me. My God is good. My Jesus is fighting for me. My God loves me. My God is taking care of me. My God is glorious and wonderful and all powerful. My God takes care of His own. All of that is true, and I trust Him. Numb or not, in all honesty, that is probably how I should end every night.

Day One Hundred and Forty One - Mood Swing Sally Dreams of Daddy

This week has been rough. Overwhelming really. And it's not even over yet. Work has been relentless. I feel as if I'm barely keeping my head above water. There are moments when I want to throw my phone against the wall because it won't stop going off. I cannot finish an e-mail before another two come in. And then, just when I begin to be on top of it, its off to the other job. Which, frankly, has been sort of a lifesaver. They make me do a lot of OCD work, cutting paper just right, putting ink away, and it helps calm me down. There's not a lot of stress in putting ink away, just the knowledge that if done carefully and methodically, it'll be done correctly the first time. No one has ever had a true paper crisis. Everything happens a little slower there, and I like it. But it's time I cannot be working to keep afloat at the other job. And when I come home, my brain just won't function anymore and I go to bed hoping to get a good start in the morning. Which I can usually handle except...

My internal life also seems to be coming apart at the seams. As we all know, I just don't handle stress very well. And it's been coming from all fronts. I'm trying to let go of something that has held me down, held me back for far too long, only to have it constantly force its way back into my consciousness and present life. Take that confusion, and double it with the fact that I just feel cut off from everyone this week. My phone has been obnoxiously silent. It's not that there is something I want to talk about specifically, I just want to know that someone is there. To top if off, the person that is usually my tether to reality when I get scared or stressed or confused has been outright ignoring me for days. I hate feeling like this. Struggling to keep afloat for just a few more hours, struggling to get it all done on time, struggling to get myself figured out, struggling to be a friend when I don't know what to say, struggling to be okay with feeling a little alone for a few days. It feels like there is a war going on inside and around me that I just don't understand. 

But then I dreamed of my Dad. I still don't understand, but I somehow feel better. I don't remember what he told me in the dream, but I remember that he knew what I should do. I know that after the dream, I felt much better. I remember his face, I remember hugging him, I remember feeling as if everything was going to be okay. I remember, even in the dream, a little part of me felt so elated to talk to him because I knew he was dead, and I knew it wasn't real, but I needed it. I don't remember what he said to me, but I remember the certainty with which he said it. And maybe that'll help my mood swings, the panic that seems to swell up. 

Because fatherhood is the best allegory God ever used to explain Himself to us. It's often warped because fathers fail, often. Some people have truly horrible people who are their biological father. But God is what a father should be. And a lot of my stress and frustration is coming from the feeling that I have been forgotten. Neglected. That maybe there was once a plan for me life but that God just kind of forgot about it and now I'm here, alone and waiting for something that will never come. 

But that's not true. God is a better father than mine was. But even my earthly father would never forget me, he'd know what to do. And so my heavenly Father hasn't forgotten me, He knows what to do. With the same certainty my dad had in the dream, so God has when He writes my life. I'm going to get through this. This crazy stressed week will end, there will be forward momentum in my life. And I know that neither of my dad's have forgotten me. And that helps a whole lot. 

P.S. Do me one favor. If your dad is still alive and isn't a total abusive fuckhead or something, be sure know that you are blessed and that this week especially, I am jealous of you.  

Day One Hundred and Forty - Lord I Don't Know

"Lord I don't know where all this is going, or how it all works out. Lead me to peace that is past understanding, a peace beyond all doubt. Oh Lord, You are the Author, redeeming what's been done. You hold us in the present, and all that is to come." - Newsboys

This song has been on my heart tonight, because confusion keeps pressing its way in. Just when I think I've made a decision, another reminder of the past sneaks its way back in. But I'm not confused tonight, not anymore. Because nothing is going to shake my focus. And my focus is Jesus. And He is the God of all peace. And that's what I need right now, peace. I need Jesus, the rest will handle itself in due time.

I don't know what the next step is, and frankly I can't think ahead further than tomorrow. I'm still trying to figure out how to be competent at two jobs and figure out that life schedule. And tomorrow is a big day, there is much to be done for work and for the daily grind of life. But so long as I'm looking to Jesus, I know He's going to direct my footsteps. I don't have to know what's coming, or (for the overly analytical brain) how to properly react to all of the various scenarios that could indeed play out. I don't have to. That is not a worry of today. Today, I rest in the peace of my Jesus knowing that He'll lead me.

Tomorrow, I shall do the same. And day by day, step by step, He'll get me to where He wants me. Taking His way. One step at a time. Seeking Him first in all things.

Now if I can only remember that come morning.

Day One Hundred And Thirty Nine - Getting Naked

Let me start out by saying, this is the quote I'm pulling from tonight.

"It's easy to take off your clothes and have sex; people do it all the time, but opening your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, thoughts, fears, future, hopes, and dreams...that's being naked."

I'm terrified of being naked. I have spent the last 3 years making sure that I wouldn't have to get naked with anyone. That level of vulnerability... well it hurt me once, deeply, and ever since I've been doing everything within my power to protect myself.

And on the very rare occasions I have shown a little skin, it's been like ripping off a band aid. Quick. All in. Almost sort of violent about it. Always braced for impact; always braced for rejection. Which is, frankly, another level of protection. Because if I'm accepted, and not rejected, I immediately hide in that person. Always jumping from one person to another, always staying in a safe place. Never, really, truly allowing myself to be vulnerable. Not with all of my skin showing, to all the same person. I allow different people to have different pieces. But I'm not really naked with any one person.

And for the longest time, that was exactly how I wanted it. But now... for the first time in a very long time, the benefits of safety are outweighed by the desire to be known. I'm not ashamed of myself anymore. I wasn't hurt in the past because of who I was, but because of who he was.

Yes. I want to get naked with someone. I want someone to see me, all of me. I want to see someone, all of them. I want to take that incredibly difficult journey into revealing myself, and having someone else reveal to me. I don't care that just the thought makes my heart race. I don't care that I'm not perfect, and there will be flaws revealed. I don't care how difficult it is, I'm determined to remain open to it. I can't just jump into something, because then once again I'd be hiding. I have to do this right, the way it was meant to be done. Slowly, and with uncertainty at each step.

And it looks like the uncertainty starts now... because now that I've made that decision, I'm incredibly uncertain as to the very next step. But deep breaths, and I'm sure that I'll figure it out as I go. So long as I stay open.

Day One Hundred and Thirty Eight - Hopping The Fence

Well, the extended title really should be 'hopping the fence and analyzing less' but Blogger gets frustrated with my long titles anyway.

The real truth of the matter is that I am an over analyzer. Always have been, but hope to someday not be. At least not to the level that I've been in the past. It's just... not healthy. At all. And one of the many manifestations of my obsessive analyzing has been to rather constantly tell people what to do. The point isn't that I'm usually right or that people almost never listen to me, it's that it's not my problem what other people do. Sometimes... we have to hop the wrong fence and make our own mistakes, despite what anyone may say. I am not responsible for what other people do, and frankly while I may occasionally have some solid advice, most of the time I'm thinking in broad generalities that are meant to keep others from getting hurt but do absolutely nothing for life experiences, beautiful mistakes, or the deep necessity of being human and finding your own way.

Which ties nicely into me, finding my own way, and trying to be less analytical of myself. Sometimes... we just have to ride things out. Really, I'm sort of proud of myself. I'm in a situation currently that I did not expect myself to be in currently because I haven't been in it in a long time and I had sort of given up hope. That's the only hint you're getting if you were expecting me to explain more. But the thing is... in the past I would have been analyzing it to death, and worse, trying to manipulate it by any possible means. Now... now I'm trying really hard to just go with the flow, and more importantly, am not manipulating anything, but just being myself. And being real about who I am. Giant leaps.

So no, I have no idea where this particular circumstance is going to take me. I have no idea where I'll end up. I have no idea where you'll end up, or where each choice will take you. And that's okay. Cause we'll both learn our way through this life and make the best of it. And we'll be okay in the end, so long as we never stop moving.

So although I don't really recommend this last sentence for anyone who isn't a rather extreme introvert with an overly complex inner dialogue, for those of you more like me, let's do it. Less thinking, more doing.

Day One Hundred and Thirty Seven - Trapped In The Shower

You remember a few days ago when I said that I felt a little special because my landlord fixed my shower and now the door opens the right way, but my brain consistently forgets that and tries to open it the wrong way and I've almost panicked twice because I was convinced I was trapped in my own shower? Yea, I've done that at least 5 more times since then.

Because sometimes, I am special. Sometimes, my brain just doesn't get it. Sometimes, I have to learn the same lesson over and over and over and over again. Today, I'm not talking about any lesson in particular. I'm just talking about the concept. Sure, I could feel mentally challenged for never remembering which way the shower opens, but the fact of the matter is that if you asked me, I'd know, and would be able to give you the correct answer. The problem isn't that I don't know, it's that I don't think about it and fall back on habit. Because when I'm in the shower I'm not thinking about the door. Hell, I'm not thinking about anything that has to do with the shower. Shaving, shampooing, conditioning, body wash, it all happens on complete auto pilot. I'm thinking about the day, what I need to get done, having a conversation with God, and about a thousand other things, none of which have anything to do with the shower. And because I spent a year and a half opening it the wrong way, my auto pilot is still there.

I guess the point of all of this is simply: don't get discouraged if you have to relearn a lesson over and over again. It doesn't mean you're failing or doing something wrong, it probably just means you're distracted because life has a tendency to steal your concentration. As you relearn it, it'll become more deeply ingrained until that lesson, which God has seen fit to teach you over and over again, will become your new auto pilot. And that... that is nothing to get discouraged about. That is something to get excited about.

Day One Hundred and Thirty Six - Public Apology... Sort Of

Somedays, I'm not a very good Christian. Somedays, I'm not a very good person. Somedays, I get called out by people I trust and love, and they're very right. And somedays, even though I apologize, they're still upset. And there's nothing I can really do about that.

There is a particular person in my life that I do not get along with. I never have, and very honestly, I probably never will. But that doesn't make that person any less loved by God. I know God adores this person, I have been used in the past to give messages of hope, and deepest love to them in the past. But for my life, I cannot get along with them.

I have tried trusting them in the past, and been burned with it. I have tried extending the hand of friendship, and been burned with it. So I mostly just ignore this person's existence. We've tried, we've failed. We just let it go. But... I don't want other people to be burned by her like I have in the past. So sometimes, when it comes up, I subtly try to warn others away from an intimacy with this person. This person is by no means evil, or malicious, but highly misguided, and has... fabricated untruths in the past that have affected people's lives in negative ways. I know I'm being terribly vague, but I feel no need to bring more upon this person than I already have.

See, this week, I was less than kind to this person. I was speaking to a new friend, who had also had years of negative experiences with said person, and rather than hold my tongue, I began sharing my own negative experiences. I shouldn't have. It was unnecessary, unkind, unloving, and very disrespectful to my God who does love and cherish this person.

The thing is... I don't know how to express my sorrow. No apology will help. "Hey, I'm sorry I was saying shit I shouldn't have, but none of it was lies or rumors, I should have just kept my mouth shut because the new friend already shared my negative opinion of you." That's the shittiest apology ever, and it's not really an apology at all. I am sorry for what I did. I wish I could take it back. I wish I could love this person genuinely. And despite the fact that I'm usually an unfeeling bitch about it, I do care. If this person ever had a genuine need, I'd try to meet it. I want only the best for this person. I want this person to grow in love and maturity and frankly to find people better than myself in which to find their identity and find people with more patience than I to find healing and unconditional love. I know I'm not that person, and it grieves me. Maybe someday.

So it occurred to me to do this instead, to publicly state my sorrow, and my regret at being such a hypocrite. I long for a loving community, and rather than being a part of that, I was part of something much worse. I don't like being talked about behind my back, and should never talk of anyone behind their back. I am very much ashamed of my behavior. I'm not always a great person. And so now, world, you know that.

I screwed up, and I'm sorry. If I've been a bitch to you, I'm sorry. I'm aware I have failings. I'm aware I do things I shouldn't. But I really am trying to not do them anymore. I really am trying to be less of me and my failings and more of Christ and His character. Really, I am. Even if I say the same thing tomorrow, because I have made the same mistake. My remorse, and my repentance, is genuine.

But that's for me to know and prove over time, you don't have to believe me at first. Selfishly, I just hope that you have more patience with me than I have with most people.

Day One Hundred and Thirty Five - Relaxation Is Not A Spectator Sport

This is something I am truly starting to discover. Relaxation is not a spectator sport. For me at least, it requires action. It requires action at whatever rate I choose, because it is supposed to be relaxing, but watching TV and cruising facebook and pinterest doesn't actually relax me. Making food, taking a shower, reading a book, talking with friends, doing laundry, all of those things relax me. But they're all active, they're all me doing something. Sometimes, I do just need to zone out for a little bit, and TV is nice for that. But it's not a relaxationtechnique, it's a numbing agent.

Relaxation is about doing, it's just about doing what you want to be doing at your own pace. Don't confuse lethargy and relaxation. It'll leave you stressed out and bored.

Day One Hundred and Thirty Four - I Am Not Special

And neither are you.

Sometimes we all get it in our heads, especially in this culture, where everyone is a unique snowflake, that for one reason or another we are exempt from the rules. But we're not. And I'm really, really glad I'm not.

I'm really glad I am not special, and that Jesus' sacrifice pays for my sins too, I am forgiven.

I'm really glad that I am not special, and that when the bible says something, it is indeed talking to me.

I'm really glad that I'm not special, and that Jesus has felt everything I have before, and has won every battle for me.

I'm really glad that I'm not special, that I, like every other person who has ever and will ever live, am desperately loved by a wonderful God who shows His tender mercy each day, for no other reason than He loves me. I am really glad that I am not so special so as to be outside of that love and pursuit.

You aren't special either. Isn't that awesome!?

Day One Hundred and Thirty Three - I Am A Cutter

That's it. That's all there is to it. I am a cutter. I haven't cut in 2 1/2 years, but I am a cutter none the less. It's something I struggle with. Not all the time. But sometimes, the desire to cut comes back incredibly strongly. And I fight it with every fiber of my being. It's exhausting, fighting. Sometimes I can get through the desire fairly easily, and brush it off. Sometimes, it takes everything I have. Today is one of the latter.

What I never have found, until today, was someone who really got it. Someone that I could genuinely talk to about it, and who understood. Someone who got the crazy, warped-ness of cutting. And that... that was amazing. I didn't feel nearly as crazy as I usually do. I've shared this with my friends in the past, and they have been truly wonderful and supportive, but to talk to someone who didn't look at me like I was crazy, who looked me in the eye and got it was incredibly freeing. Because suddenly, I wasn't so alone in my fight. There was someone with years of experience fighting personal demons giving me a lesson in how to win. In how to continue to beat this.

So... I don't have any expectations for this post. I'm just being honest with you, and with myself, and don't think it's helping anyone to hide this. If you struggle with cutting, or any manifestation of personal punishment, please feel free to call or e-mail or text or anything. It's a lot easier when you don't feel so alone.

Day One Hundred and Thirty Two - Well Shit

I have no idea how to handle this situation. At all. I'm at a complete and total loss. 

So what do I do? Well, at this point: nothing. For at least 24 hours I'm going to 'do' absolutely nothing. Except pray. About what to do. And then praising because even though I may be at a loss, God is less than shocked at this turn of events. He knew all along. He's got a plan. And I trust Him. After 24 hours, or frankly, the next time I get some time, I'm going to ask a trusted friend what he thinks I ought to do. He's better at this stuff than I am, and I need his advice. I trust it, more than I trust my own instincts. 

But during this time of prayer, I've also realized a few things. Well, not realized, but have begun to think about things in a new way.  Most of it is still ruminating wordlessly.  But some of it... For instance. A long time ago, I remember hearing Mark Driscoll say that who you think God is is the most important question you can ever answer. Only today did the truth of that REALLY sink it. Who God is to you affects everything about you, your life, your theology, your friendships, everything. I think now that part of me knew that, and part of me has subconsciously been using that more than anything else to determine who I trust. 

For instance, Honky. Honky went a little nuts a few years ago, and I miss who he used to be. But during this whole time where his life, his walk, who he was, got a little wonky, I never stopped trusting him. Because his knowledge of who God is didn't change even one little bit. 

And part of that was definitely the knowledge that God is bigger than us. Honky has definitely had his selfish moments, like all of us, but not once has his knowledge that God was much, much bigger than him and his situation. He never really lost sight of the bigger picture. There are no words for how much I respect him for that. 

And that's something... that I really love about my God. He doesn't ask us to guess or speculate. He tells us who He is, over and over and over. He reveals to us His character, over and over. His steadfast love, His holiness, His majesty, His kindness, His patience, His righteousness, His justice, the list goes on. He reveals Himself to us. Thank you, Holy Trinity, for the amazing gift of knowledge of Yourself. 

And God, with trembling, for today... today I saw the consequences of losing sight of who You are and narrowing my focus to myself, to my world, to my life, rather than everything that You are, and Your world... I ask, I beg, I plead, please let me never lose sight of You. Please, keep me close, by Your side. Keep Your arm around me, and pull me in close. Turn my eyes to look at You only. Don't let me go, don't let me lose sight of You. 

Day One Hundred and Thirty One - Random Thoughts Edition

That's it. No deep life lessons. Just random thoughts of the day. Because it's that kind of day.

1) The word wanker needs to be redefined. It now means, in its entirety, the sort of dbag that Edwin Whatshisface is.* Note* the only reason that he has not been assassinated is because... well... we're thrifty. Why pay someone to do something that frankly, someone is going to do for free eventually?

2) When my landlord redid my shower, he put the door hinge on the correct way. Except it was on the wrong way for the past year and a half. I have thusly nearly panicked twice because I was convinced I was stuck in the shower only to realize I was pushing the wrong side of the door.

3) You know you're going to love work when you say, "Honestly, all I want to do is flagrantly disregard the harassment policy because seriously, that is too good to pass up." and your manager says, "Then do it. I need a laugh."

4) Reforming my sleep schedule is going to suck. Useful life trait, figuring out how to work 2 jobs and keep a clean house and find time for devotions, but still... suck.

5) Propaganda does still exist. I watched a 10 minute clip of it today. Anti-union propaganda. How do I know it was propaganda? Well because it a) omitted certain relevant facts and b) used cajoling language such as "american workers like you and me" and "your signature is too valuable to just give away".

6) I love how predictable I am. As my second job requires me to wear a uniform to work, I am now determined to wear sweats anytime I am not at work for at least the next week. Such a freaking rebel.

7) How is it that every child knows the laws of the boogyman universe?
   a) If your feet are outside the sheet/blanket, they can be attacked.
   b) Your hands can be outside the sheet/blanket without fear of attack, but if they leave the bed, they can be attacked.
   c) If you are sharing a bed with another person, and you are on the side that is touching a wall, no rule applies to you as the boogyman has to go across the other person, who would definitely wake you before it go to you.
   d) None of this stops being true after you reach adulthood.

8) How is it I can often go all day forgetting to eat, but as soon as I get to a job in which I cannot eat, I am suddenly, unbearably, starving?

9) A cool breeze blowing on my face as I am falling asleep is the best feeling in the entire world.

10) Apparently, when you have a child, you are given more energy than those who have none. That, or a deeper motivation to fill your time with things other than sleep. So many things that I have yet to understand, or even grasp.

Day One Hundred and Thirty - Good To Be Home

I have loved this weekend. It was a taste of a family not my own, of a life that might some day be. If I ever had kids, that is. If I do, I hope they're a lot like the kids who I was with most of the weekend. They are amacingly cool. But I admit, I am exhausted. I cannot keep up with kids that seem to run solely on jet fuel. I'm thankful for the experience, for being able to be a part of this family's life for the weekend.

But I'm also thankful to be home. I loved just walking in the door. Yes, I need to do laundry. Yes, I need to clean. And since I made dinner, yes, I need to do dishes. But I am so glad to be home. My bed is so familiar, it beckons me even now. My house smells like... my house. And its comforting. I have missed being home.

I wasn't always like this. I used to be an adventuring soul. I used to roam freely. I was a fearless creature. Home was not a luxury I needed. But somewhere, somehow along the way, I changed. I became something... different. Quieter. Drawn to home and familiarity. Less adventurous. I still long for adventure, I do. But without people like the OSM, even my adventures would be carefully planned. I'm glad that they're helping me be more spontaneous, laid back, and willing to just go with the flow. But I'm really glad the lesson is over for the week, too. Some lessons can't be learned in a day. Some things can't be taught in a day. But slowly... maybe they'll help me find the adventurer inside me again. And maybe, just maybe, there is a perfect compromise of a home body and an adventurer. Hey, a girl can hope.