Two observations today:
1) As an engaged woman, the wedding planner is now a horror film. As soon as you're not single, that movie becomes pure evil.
2) I sleep more than most people I know. When I get stressed out or sick, I sleep even more. And I get kind of rage-y when someone or something keeps me from sleep. Or wakes me from it.
Which is why it used to be rough answering the phone at 7:00am every morning when Anthem would call me on his work breaks. I would glare at my phone. I would consider throwing it against the wall. But I would pick up, and fight the urge to be cranky, and talk to the man I loved.
As the weeks and months have gone by, it is completely opposite. I grab my phone as soon as it rings, and often wake up a few minutes before it rings in anticipation. My brain starts working immediately to try and wake up so I can actually engage with my Anthem in the morning. I love waking up to him, even on days when I'm tired and can't get back to sleep because my brain has already started.
I was idolizing sleep. I was letting it decide my life, rather than using it for the tool it is. We are to conquer the flesh. That doesn't mean abusing it, but rather being master over it. And not giving it priority over anything that ought to be greater.
I'm so thankful for Anthem. I feel often as if he has woken me from a deep slumber that I had let myself fall into, forgetting the energy of youth and the ambition of righteousness and mission and adventure. Sleep is useful. But it is only a tool.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Monday, March 11, 2013
Day 408 - I Look Forward
Okay, so while last night was an expression of my convictions, it was also a rant. And ranting never opened a mind, or freed a soul, or helped the world become a better place. But actions do.
I do not need to respond to every critic. I'm going to have a lot of them. I don't have that kind of time on my hands.
What I need to do is keep my focus forward, and keep living one step at a time, and keep my head held high. Now, I'm not doing it alone anymore. Anthem is with me. But I don't need to face him, for both of us have set our faces toward God. All I need is to feel his hand in mine.
I'm looking forward. 12 days, my friends. In 12 days I'll be Mrs. Anthem. In 10 days I get to go on a date with Mr. Anthem. In 12 I never have to stop dating him. And that thought, of doing everything with him, is what keeps me going when I miss him so much it hurts.
And in that thought, all my critics fade from view.
I do not need to respond to every critic. I'm going to have a lot of them. I don't have that kind of time on my hands.
What I need to do is keep my focus forward, and keep living one step at a time, and keep my head held high. Now, I'm not doing it alone anymore. Anthem is with me. But I don't need to face him, for both of us have set our faces toward God. All I need is to feel his hand in mine.
I'm looking forward. 12 days, my friends. In 12 days I'll be Mrs. Anthem. In 10 days I get to go on a date with Mr. Anthem. In 12 I never have to stop dating him. And that thought, of doing everything with him, is what keeps me going when I miss him so much it hurts.
And in that thought, all my critics fade from view.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Day 407 - Getting Rid Of
I had a few enlightening conversations today. One of them bewildered me, one of them angered me, and one of them humbled me. All made me think.
A few weeks ago, I got down on my knees and repented of all the things I had kept in my life because getting rid of them was just so much work... even though I knew those things were dishonoring to my God. All of them were rooted in unholiness. I checked my motivations. And started getting rid of.
It's been a process. But as I started cutting, I realized that everything I thought I needed... I didn't. I didn't need cursing to express myself. I needed to be mindful of what comes out of my mouth. How can curses and blessings come from the same mouth? Holiness demands discipline.
I'm glad that seed got planted, though it's been a struggle. I know what I need to do, what I'm called to do, and often times it makes no sense to non-christians. None. As was made apparent by the angering conversation today. Now, just to be clear, I'm not mad at the person I had the conversation with. I'm angry... that I've had this conversation so many times.
Let me break it down for you.
"Married?! So soon!?" (This is not the angering part. I get this part.)
"Yes. I know it seems quick, but Anthem and I believe it is what's best for us."
"But... well why don't you date more first?"
"Because we're 870 miles away from each other. And we have dated. For six months. Some of it was on again off again, but we were figuring out ourselves and our relationship."
"But... well why don't you just move down there and not get married?"
"Why don't I change my entire life and move there with no place to live, no job, and no commitment?"
"Well, you can live with him, and it's just a ring. His commitment won't change with or without a ring, right?"
"It's not a ring. It's a vow. And no, I can't live with him unless we're married."
"Well you can, you just choose not to."
"You've got me there. We, as a couple, choose not to live together unless we're married."
"But why? It's so much easier to break up than get a divorce."
"That's kind of the point."
It bothers me that my friends, out of 'worry', or so that's what they tell me, want me to move myself across the country, move in with my fiance, and start playing house. If marriage was just a ring... well they wouldn't be so worried, would they? Marriage is so much more than that, and so much more than what I think it is right now because I haven't yet entered into it. But I do know that it's what Anthem and I are called to. I have chosen to be his wife, and he my husband. And in 13 days we'll say our vows before God and our loved ones to honor, love, and cherish the other until death do us part.
It hurts me that some of the people I love and who love me have so little respect, or knowledge, of my faith that they want me to disregard it completely. My God demands holiness. Not of the world, but of His followers. He made marriage for holiness. Not to live together and sleep together (though I'm looking forward to both) but to be servants to each other, and to learn to live as 'we' instead of 'me'. To be a microcosm of His love for us. To learn the hard lessons about sacrifice, vows, honor, faithfulness, and yes, holiness. To be set apart, only for the other. It hurts me that they want to cheapen my relationship from a sacred relationship in which Anthem and I vow to live this life together, to serve God together, to work, love, learn, grow, and serve each other together - to cohabitation and sex.
But those things are hard, and take work, and are not always pleasant nor fun. It is a massive inconvenience. And so our society, by and large, or at least my generation, has gotten rid of those. Even the Christians often go along with the new definition of marriage. It's just a church approved way to sleep together and play house. I know this because there is no difference between the overall American divorce rates and the Christian American divorce rates. This is not what I'm doing. It's not a piece of paper or a ring. It's a life altering vow before God, a soul changing connection to Anthem, and the goal is holiness. Through which God, in His infinite wisdom, gives us joy and fulfillment.
So I'm not going to cut those out, I'm going to keep them. What I am going to cut out is the bull that being married is all sunshine and daisies. That if you're not happy, something is wrong with your marriage or your spouse. That it's all to make you feel good, and when you stop feeling good, it's time to move on and start over. Because I don't have time for that particular load of selfish, delusional, guaranteed to make your marriage fail, nonsense.
And when all of that is gone, there is room for the hard stuff. For the good stuff. For the 50 years or more of stuff.
Just like as I sort through all of my stuff, and pitch or give away so much of it, I know I'm making room for our stuff. Not my stuff, or his stuff, but our stuff. That's what I'm making room for as I get rid of so much junk that I've held onto out of fear. Fear that I'd forget, fear that I'd regret, fear that I'd never get another chance. I don't need momentos to remind me of loved ones, I just need to cherish them while they're with me and remember them when they're not. I don't need to hold on to the best memories for fear that good times will never return, for in putting them on a pedestal I pollute them. I need to let go of things that were only meant to be mine for a time, and know that more will always come.
Letting go of the past makes room for the present, and broadens the possibilities for the future. Letting go of the junk makes room for the treasure.
My treasure is my God, and my spouse, and our marriage.
A few weeks ago, I got down on my knees and repented of all the things I had kept in my life because getting rid of them was just so much work... even though I knew those things were dishonoring to my God. All of them were rooted in unholiness. I checked my motivations. And started getting rid of.
It's been a process. But as I started cutting, I realized that everything I thought I needed... I didn't. I didn't need cursing to express myself. I needed to be mindful of what comes out of my mouth. How can curses and blessings come from the same mouth? Holiness demands discipline.
I'm glad that seed got planted, though it's been a struggle. I know what I need to do, what I'm called to do, and often times it makes no sense to non-christians. None. As was made apparent by the angering conversation today. Now, just to be clear, I'm not mad at the person I had the conversation with. I'm angry... that I've had this conversation so many times.
Let me break it down for you.
"Married?! So soon!?" (This is not the angering part. I get this part.)
"Yes. I know it seems quick, but Anthem and I believe it is what's best for us."
"But... well why don't you date more first?"
"Because we're 870 miles away from each other. And we have dated. For six months. Some of it was on again off again, but we were figuring out ourselves and our relationship."
"But... well why don't you just move down there and not get married?"
"Why don't I change my entire life and move there with no place to live, no job, and no commitment?"
"Well, you can live with him, and it's just a ring. His commitment won't change with or without a ring, right?"
"It's not a ring. It's a vow. And no, I can't live with him unless we're married."
"Well you can, you just choose not to."
"You've got me there. We, as a couple, choose not to live together unless we're married."
"But why? It's so much easier to break up than get a divorce."
"That's kind of the point."
It bothers me that my friends, out of 'worry', or so that's what they tell me, want me to move myself across the country, move in with my fiance, and start playing house. If marriage was just a ring... well they wouldn't be so worried, would they? Marriage is so much more than that, and so much more than what I think it is right now because I haven't yet entered into it. But I do know that it's what Anthem and I are called to. I have chosen to be his wife, and he my husband. And in 13 days we'll say our vows before God and our loved ones to honor, love, and cherish the other until death do us part.
It hurts me that some of the people I love and who love me have so little respect, or knowledge, of my faith that they want me to disregard it completely. My God demands holiness. Not of the world, but of His followers. He made marriage for holiness. Not to live together and sleep together (though I'm looking forward to both) but to be servants to each other, and to learn to live as 'we' instead of 'me'. To be a microcosm of His love for us. To learn the hard lessons about sacrifice, vows, honor, faithfulness, and yes, holiness. To be set apart, only for the other. It hurts me that they want to cheapen my relationship from a sacred relationship in which Anthem and I vow to live this life together, to serve God together, to work, love, learn, grow, and serve each other together - to cohabitation and sex.
But those things are hard, and take work, and are not always pleasant nor fun. It is a massive inconvenience. And so our society, by and large, or at least my generation, has gotten rid of those. Even the Christians often go along with the new definition of marriage. It's just a church approved way to sleep together and play house. I know this because there is no difference between the overall American divorce rates and the Christian American divorce rates. This is not what I'm doing. It's not a piece of paper or a ring. It's a life altering vow before God, a soul changing connection to Anthem, and the goal is holiness. Through which God, in His infinite wisdom, gives us joy and fulfillment.
So I'm not going to cut those out, I'm going to keep them. What I am going to cut out is the bull that being married is all sunshine and daisies. That if you're not happy, something is wrong with your marriage or your spouse. That it's all to make you feel good, and when you stop feeling good, it's time to move on and start over. Because I don't have time for that particular load of selfish, delusional, guaranteed to make your marriage fail, nonsense.
And when all of that is gone, there is room for the hard stuff. For the good stuff. For the 50 years or more of stuff.
Just like as I sort through all of my stuff, and pitch or give away so much of it, I know I'm making room for our stuff. Not my stuff, or his stuff, but our stuff. That's what I'm making room for as I get rid of so much junk that I've held onto out of fear. Fear that I'd forget, fear that I'd regret, fear that I'd never get another chance. I don't need momentos to remind me of loved ones, I just need to cherish them while they're with me and remember them when they're not. I don't need to hold on to the best memories for fear that good times will never return, for in putting them on a pedestal I pollute them. I need to let go of things that were only meant to be mine for a time, and know that more will always come.
Letting go of the past makes room for the present, and broadens the possibilities for the future. Letting go of the junk makes room for the treasure.
My treasure is my God, and my spouse, and our marriage.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Day 406 - Bridezilla
Dear World:
I am so sorry. I'm getting married in 17 days. I have a to-do list that sort of can't be put off. I have a fiance in another state. We're sort of broke, and doing our best to pull this off as cheaply as possible. So far, everything has been provided, and I have faith that our loved ones and the Good Lord Above will continue to help us out.
So, I'm sorry all I can talk about is my wedding. I'm so incredibly excited. See, Anthem is sort of the best guy I know. He encourages me, steadies me, excites me, leads me, and cherishes me. While constantly surprising me, he manages to always be exactly what I need. Part of me is still struggling to believe that it's real, and that I get to marry him in 17 days. And pretty much all of me wants it to be the wedding day right now. I'm so ready for this new chapter of my life to begin. I'm excited to be in the same state as my best friend and love of my life.
And I'm trying to pay attention to every moment because in 17 days I'm moving all of my earthly possessions to Texas where my husband is darn near the only person I know. It's a rather intimidating thing. I'm excited as all get out, there are not words for how ready I am to make this move. It's still intimidating. It'll be months, even a year before I'll see, in person, the loved ones I'm leaving behind. So I'm trying my darndest to live in each moment with my loved ones and be aware of everything that's going on so I can treasure it and not let it slip on by. Because once it's gone, it's gone.
I'm sorry I seem to be a total scatter brain, I just want everything to be as pleasant as possible. I only get to do this once. So I make returns 30 seconds after a purchase. And I make inappropriate sex jokes. And I seem like a flighty kitten hyped up on espresso (which is sad, considering there is usually no caffeine in this system... yes, I'm just that excited). And I often look like a deer in the headlights because I am constantly forgetting things that everyone else seems to know. Like if I'm having cake, I'll need plates. And then I say, "Crap! Plates!? I have no idea!?" And then my wonderful MOH steps in and says, "It's okay, we can get plates."
I am really trying to not be a crazy bridezilla. Really. I am. I know I'm not always succeeding, but I promise there is effort there.
I am so sorry. I'm getting married in 17 days. I have a to-do list that sort of can't be put off. I have a fiance in another state. We're sort of broke, and doing our best to pull this off as cheaply as possible. So far, everything has been provided, and I have faith that our loved ones and the Good Lord Above will continue to help us out.
So, I'm sorry all I can talk about is my wedding. I'm so incredibly excited. See, Anthem is sort of the best guy I know. He encourages me, steadies me, excites me, leads me, and cherishes me. While constantly surprising me, he manages to always be exactly what I need. Part of me is still struggling to believe that it's real, and that I get to marry him in 17 days. And pretty much all of me wants it to be the wedding day right now. I'm so ready for this new chapter of my life to begin. I'm excited to be in the same state as my best friend and love of my life.
And I'm trying to pay attention to every moment because in 17 days I'm moving all of my earthly possessions to Texas where my husband is darn near the only person I know. It's a rather intimidating thing. I'm excited as all get out, there are not words for how ready I am to make this move. It's still intimidating. It'll be months, even a year before I'll see, in person, the loved ones I'm leaving behind. So I'm trying my darndest to live in each moment with my loved ones and be aware of everything that's going on so I can treasure it and not let it slip on by. Because once it's gone, it's gone.
I'm sorry I seem to be a total scatter brain, I just want everything to be as pleasant as possible. I only get to do this once. So I make returns 30 seconds after a purchase. And I make inappropriate sex jokes. And I seem like a flighty kitten hyped up on espresso (which is sad, considering there is usually no caffeine in this system... yes, I'm just that excited). And I often look like a deer in the headlights because I am constantly forgetting things that everyone else seems to know. Like if I'm having cake, I'll need plates. And then I say, "Crap! Plates!? I have no idea!?" And then my wonderful MOH steps in and says, "It's okay, we can get plates."
I am really trying to not be a crazy bridezilla. Really. I am. I know I'm not always succeeding, but I promise there is effort there.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Day 405 - Exercise
Your muscles will never grow if you don't exercise them. They must be strained or they will never learn to lift heavier burdens, or run faster, longer. No matter how much you talk about exercising, you will see not a single result until you start to work.
The same is true for faith. It will never grow if it isn't used. No matter how much I talk about it. Until I actually do something, nothing will change.
This is me doing something. Well. Preparing to do something. In 22 days.
The same is true for faith. It will never grow if it isn't used. No matter how much I talk about it. Until I actually do something, nothing will change.
This is me doing something. Well. Preparing to do something. In 22 days.
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