Day Three Hundred and Sixty Seven - Not Waiting

There are certain things I have waited my adult life for. Things I only wanted to experience with that special someone I thought was coming along. Like getting a dog. Going to the circus. Getting my own place. 

But I'm not waiting anymore. As soon as a Laney puppy becomes available (and my work schedule allows) I will have my very own dog. As soon as the circus is in town and a friend is willing to go, I'm going to that too. (No one wants to go to the circus alone.) As soon as I can afford my own place (or rent with a friend) then I'm doing that too. Because waiting is only holding me back from things I want to learn about myself, and the person I want to be. I can still share them later. I'm not possessive of my things or my experiences. In fact, the more I love them, the more I want to share them. 

And I don't care if doing all of those things makes me an intimidating woman. I don't care if being self sufficient scares a man away. If it does, he wasn't the right one. 

I'm not going to sit here and lie and say that I don't care if I get married or not. Of course I care. I want to be a wife and mother more than I have the words to express. But right now... I'm not looking. Right now, it's time for me to fully become me. And that means a dog, an apartment, the circus, and maybe even an herb garden. Or some local missional work with my HLM. Or whatever I want. 

I've always been sort of afraid of being a strong woman. But no more. I can do this all on my own (with the help of God and friends) and I don't need a man. I just want one because I've got a lot of love to give and I would really like to share this life with someone and have kids someday. And I don't want a guy that needs me, but that appreciates me and wants me because of exactly who I am. 

Day Three Hundred and Sixty Seven - My Only

Dear Future Husband (if I am so blessed), 

You will never be my only love. I had hoped, when I was younger, that you would be. That there would be only one. But it's just not possible. You will, however, be the one I choose to love forever. And that will have to be enough. 

The others will never fully go away because my experiences with them made me who I am today, and I really like that person. Denying their existence would be to deny the lessons I learned, and I can't do that. Don't be threatened by them, be grateful for them. 

Garret taught me to date men, not boys. Sammy (though we were only just friends, I have to count him as a love because I did fall in love with him at the end) taught me more about my faith, and living in community, and how to really love people than anyone ever had. Phil, in his own way, taught me about love and friendship and loyalty and devotion. He taught me to think for myself, and to not do something just because it was expected of me, but to figure out who I was, and be that person wholly. And James... James taught me about passion, about embracing life, about doing what you love. James taught me that I can have big dreams, and that if I just embrace myself, I am radiant. James taught me to always try new things, and to always take the chance to express myself rather than keeping it bottled up in fear. 

I will always love each and every one of them. But you, whoever you are, I will choose you. You will be my future, but I will not deny their parts in my past. 

And now... now I'm to the point where I hope I'm not your only. That's a whole lot of pressure. Because my past, and those I love, have taught me all sorts of things about myself, and about what I cherish, what I need, what I want, and what I will not tolerate in others. Without learning those things, I'd never be able to appreciate you the way I should. I'd never know what I ought to stay away from, or what I ought to just have patience with. 

All I ask is that we choose each other. I am incapable of not loving those whom I once loved. My love for them will change, and I will not be in love with them forever, but I will always love them. I will never ask you to stop loving those from your past, only to choose me for your present and your future. 

You will never be my only. But you will be my always. 

Sincerely, 

I don't know why I love so differently, but I hope you can appreciate that about me.

Day Three Hundred and Sixty Six - Do Not Deny, But Do Not Magnify

Yes, my heart hurts. It's a dull ache most of the time. Something I had set my heart on... someone, really... and it didn't work like I wanted it to. It wasn't forever. But it was still good.

I am thankful. For all that I learned. About myself. About people who are different from me. About the world and life in general. I am so incredibly thankful.

I'm also exhausted. And longing. And hurting. But I'm not going to focus on those things. I'm going to focus on how good my God is. On how much He loves me. On this time He has given me to simply love on me, and for me to pursue my callings, and for me to learn about myself and how He made me, and to learn about Him. I turn my heart to worship, to praise, to being thankful. Because the essentials have not changed. He has still saved me from all of my fears, He has still poured out His mercy on me and turned me from an enemy to a daughter. He is still leading me deeper and deeper into a life full of Him, into a life more fulfilled. He has given me more than I could have ever asked for.

The more I focus on those things, the less exhausted I am. The less my longing hurts due to not being fulfilled, because He is fulfilling it, in His own time. The less I hurt because He is the great healer, and my greatest comforter.

It's not that I'm denying my need to express and feel the emotions of grief and hurt, but I'm refused to dwell on them or magnify them. Instead, I dwell on the goodness of God and express my need to worship Him and cling to Him and thank Him for all that He has done and thank Him for all that He will do. And when I do that, everything else falls into perspective. And my heart feels the peace it longs for.

Day Three Hundred and Sixty Five - Extroverts *shakes fist*

Listen up my extroverted friends! I love you guys. You guys are wonderful. You complete me and I appreciate all of social-ness you bring to my life. Such excitement. Such energy!

That being said: Stop. Please stop. Honest to goodness just stop. I know when you feel down you just want to get out there and have a good time. And you know I feel down and want to make me feel better. But that's not what makes me feel better. I'm an introvert. I want to stay in, and do quiet things. I love you, and all you add to my life, but can we just tone it down a bit?

Honestly guys, I'm exhausted. I've been stretched, pushed, taken out of my comfort zone, and grown. Now, now my dear, dear loud friends, I'm going to go spend some time in my comfort zone. In my quiet, peaceful comfort zone. Because to be really honest... I'm starting to question whether or not all this need to get me out of my comfort zone was really just you not wanting to leave yours.

Is it just me or does that seem strange to anyone else? It's always the extroverts saying, "This is for your own good." and "Get out of your comfort zone." and "Being so afraid of touch is something you'll outgrow."

No. No, I won't. Why do you guys need to touch each other all of the time!? Touch isn't something I'm afraid of, it's something that I find to be incredibly intimate and thusly don't like to share with strangers. It's not for my own good, it's because extroverts like to touch each other. I've been out of my comfort zone for months trying to fit into the extroverted world. And I don't. And I'm done pretending that I do. Or that I want to. And now, for once, I know what I need better than you do. And I need some peace and quiet. Come join me in introverted land or understand that it's going to be a while before I join you in extroverted land.

Day Three Hundred and Sixty Four - Love Me For Me, Or GTFO

You don't have to love me. I am just not for some people. I've accepted that. I do not like fundamentalists and they do not like me. We don't make any pretenses about that. But if you're going to love me, then love me. Love all of me. Love the parts you don't like.

Let me be clear, I am not asking you to like them. And I'm not asking you to put up with unhealthy or harmful habits or traits like explosive anger or a drinking problem. I mean things like... You don't have to like that my car is usually messy. Hell, I don't like that about me. You don't have to like that I do not make great first impressions, and stick my foot in my mouth a lot. You don't have to like that I make massive and detailed plans that I very rarely follow through on but like to make them because they calm me down and like to throw them away because I always end up going with spontaneous anyway. But you know what, if you love me, if you really love me, you'll love them. 

It's a lesson my dear friend Sammy taught me a long time ago, and has only proved itself more true in time. "When you love someone," he said, "Really love them, love them more than you love yourself, you'll love even the things you don't like. Because without them, they wouldn't be the person you love so much. Those things are part of them, and you love all of them." I loved that he took longer to get ready than I did. I loved that when he walked into a room, for just a moment, he had to be the center of attention. He loved that I clammed up around new people, especially people he'd talked me up to. He loved my driving. He loved my driving a lot. 

The OSM and I have this with each other as well. I don't like everything about him, and he doesn't like everything about me. But we do love each other very much, and I wouldn't want to change a thing because without them... he wouldn't be the OSM that I love. He wouldn't have such different life experiences and views and use them to fairly constantly challenge everything I think I know. 

In the end... love me for me, or don't pretend to love me at all.

Day Three Hundred and Fifty Seven - The Other Feast

Just one thought tonight, one thought that keeps echoing through my head and makes my heart ache and long for something more. Around 6pm on Thanksgiving night, John Piper tweeted: "End of day. Full of thanks. Family gone. Bible in lap. The other feast. " I want to have that relationship with the Bible. I want to look forward to it that much. I want to have so much knowledge that half the things I read don't make my eyebrows furrow. I want to know God that well. I want to have that much faith.

So I'm gonna go read my Bible.

Day Three Hundred and Fifty Six - Hard Learned Truths

I hate liquid eyeliner. It does make my eyes pop, but it's so annoying and smudges all the time, and looks so dramatic. Not really my style. Not every day.

When it comes to comfort vs. style, I do believe there is a middle ground. If I'm going to be walking all day, I'm wearing sneakers so my feet stay comfortable, and can look good doing it. I'm not saying let's pull a 4am run to walmart wardrobe or anything, but why get blisters on my feet just to wear flats instead of sneakers?

I'm still finding my style, but it has absolutely nothing to do with the 80's. Not musically. Not in the clothing world. Nothing. I do not care how 'in' it is, or how its making a comeback. I think it's ugly.

I never want to live near the Bayou.

I am going to have a Laney puppy.

I do not have to say yes all the time. It is my right to say no when I want to. And I do not have to give a reason why. And if I do, you don't have to understand, or agree that it is a good reason to say no.

I eat erratically and enjoy it so much. I eat things that do not look good because they taste amazing. Presentation is not my strong suit, and I'm okay with that.

I live so far under the poverty line, I can't see it when I look up. And... I want for nothing. I have plenty of food, a warm home, great friends, and enough money to buy yarn for projects. Sure, I'd like to have more than just enough, and be able to get a house (and pay a mortgage) someday, but having lived on so little, my heart simply cannot imagine having so much more than I need and not giving it away to those who need it more than me, or will do better things with it than me. My most precious possessions will always be my books, my knowledge, my experience, my friends, my family, and my faith. And that's the way I like it.

I have big dreams, that have a lot of little steps. I have no desire to be famous, only to live well where I am known.

I'm an introvert. That is never going to change, and me not liking people I don't know hugging me is not something I need to get over. Extroverts: please get a clue - not everyone wants to touch you or be touched by you. It is possible to be loved from afar.

I prefer staying in to going out. It's a better use of my resources. Sleepovers will always win over girls night out. See above for explanation.

I would very much like to marry a husker fan. Or at least someone who understands why I love football.

I want someone who sees my mind and heart first, and appreciates my looks, not the other way around.

I am not wrong all the time, some people are just really stubborn.

I love a little too easily. But I really like that I keep trying.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Due Thanksgiving not being on the same day every year, I think it's about 4 days off but I started this blog last year on Thanksgiving. Thanks for sticking with me for a whole year!

Day Three Hundred and Fifty Five - Snuggle

I don't know how to snuggle through Skype. I am not in the mood to talk. I need to communicate, and be communicated with in other ways today. I need to feel his touch and smell his skin and lean into him. I need a kiss. On the forehead. On the nose. On the lips. I need my hands to be entwined with his. 

And can't. No words can give what we need. Words are my thing. It's how I communicate best. It's how I hear, best. But when my words run dry... I need something deeper to fill me up again. And I'm discovering that touch is that deeper way of communicating. 

It's hard to lie with touch. I've been learning that. What you say with touch becomes the truth. When you touch gently, your heart settles. When you snuggle into someone, your heart snuggles too. It's hard to mask desire, it's hard to mask hesitation. It's just honesty. It's what I have when the words run out, or when they don't come out just right. 

And it's more than enough. I will always need words. I have to talk. I have to be talked to. But I'm learning that perhaps the reason I need to talk SO much is because it's the only form of communication I've used... pretty much ever. I don't... I'm not good at communicating with touch. I feel as if I don't communicate with it very well. But then I think about how well Anthem communicates with it... how safe he makes me feel, how wanted, how cherished. And I think about how good it feels when Anthem tries to use words the way I do. So... even if I stumble my way through it at first, I want to try anyway. 

And can't. Anyone have any ideas how to communicate through touch when you're 800 miles away?

Day Three Hundred and Fifty Four - Freedom

Quick break from our societal norms section to focus on this. I like it.


I give you freedom unlike that which you have ever known. Freedom to be exactly as I made you, for I make no mistakes. That is the gospel. Not one list of rules for another, but freedom to follow your deepest passions and desires for they will lead you closer to me. This is the message of hope that I have sent you to tell the world. My yoke is light, my burden is easy. You are free.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by holding up what you were taught, what you were shown, to my word, and watch as the chains fall. Renew yourself in me. Be free. Allow others to be free in My NAME. Be free.

When you give me all, not just your future, but your past and present, then know that I will cover you. I will protect you. I will guard you. I will free you.

Be free, my precious children, that is My calling on your life. To be free in me, Free to sing, free to dance, free to sit in silence without guilt, shame, or regret. You are free. I have freed you. I have paid the blood price. You are free.

Free to love without fear, and without reservation, I will always provide you with what you need. If I didn't provide it, you didn't need it. All along I have given you so much more than what you asked for, but gave you nothing you didn't need, so that  I might free you from all that you think you need and instead see my bountiful provision,.

I have freed you, and will continue to free you from all the cares of this world if you simply trust me. Trust me. Trust that I know best. Trust that I love you. Trust that I will provide. Trust me with you. I will not fail you.

 Preach freedom, teach freedom, live freedom.

Day Three Hundred and Fifty Three - Societal Norms Part 3

Societal Norm: Work is a drag, and you should only work as much as you have to, since you're only doing it for a paycheck.

Rather than: Taking pride in your work, and striving to glorify God in all you do, even when you're not getting paid enough.

As you probably know, I work at a store in the mall. It sells all sorts of kitchen gadgets and cookware and spices. It's amazing and I love it. But I don't get paid much more than minimum wage. It's a part time job. It'd be easy to just do the minimum. Just restock shelves, and interact with customers only when the boss is working, and simply follow orders. But it's not a corporate store. It's a small business, owned by a woman who is in her store working about 60-80 hours a week. The woman doesn't sleep much. Or do anything much. The economy is down, and while her store isn't struggling, it isn't booming either. If I choose to be a lazy employee, she's the one that suffers. Her store. Her livelihood. Her dream. And my reputation, my pride (the good kind), and my God. Doing just enough brings no glory to Him. Going above and beyond what is expected of me does. I do it so that others might see Him in me. Or at the very least, not have another reason to dislike Christians.

And it's not a drag. It's the best retail job I've ever had. Sure there are times when I'm ready to go home, but even then the time doesn't drag. I genuinely enjoy the work I do, the people I work with, and the place at which I work. Sure, there are hours I don't give it my all and refill coffee because it's easy. And yes, there are days when I don't want to go to work. But I try my best to remember to be thankful that I have a job, and thankful that it's such a good one, and thankful I get to work with the HLM sometimes because she's awesome. So buy local. And give it your all, because it's what you do when people aren't looking that is the real you. The more I learn that, the better person I am. Because I can handle people looking down on me because I don't follow societal norms and do weird things a lot of the time that I have a hard time explaining. But I really can't be disappointed in myself, in who I am when I'm alone. That is just too much to bare.

Societal Norm: 0
Almost any other rational option: 3

Day Three Hundred and Fifty Two - Societal Norms Part 2

Societal Norm: Church is a social club for Sundays.

Rather than: Church is something you live all 7 days a week. On Sundays you merely congregate in a building.

I've honestly had it with this particular societal norm. Not only does it rob you of any genuine emotion you once had about the Body of Christ, but it has the tendency to fill you with pride that at least you're better than the heathens who are still sleeping off Saturday night's debauchery. Going to a building for an hour on Sundays does not make you better than anyone else for the other 6 days of the week. Or Sunday either for that matter. Church is something you live out. It's learning your bible and your theology on your own time through various sources. It's spending time, each day, talking to the God you profess to love more than anything on a daily basis. It's living as He lived on earth, genuinely, compassionately, and with a sense of humor. It's serving His people, and realizing that all people are His children. It's keeping each other accountable, and stoking the fires of passion. It's being a city on a hill, not having a fake candle in your window. And it's never, ever about being better than anyone else.

I don't always get it right, and I can be the biggest hypocrite. I just wish... that when the HLM and I spoke to other Christians about what we're working toward they didn't look at us like we were naive children who will soon learn that living it out is just too exhausting. For me... not living it out is too exhausting. I can't keep pretending that it isn't my biggest priority. I can't keep pretending that a 'normal life' sounds good to me. It doesn't. It sounds like a big trap meant to keep me from true meaning and fulfillment. The more I follow my heart, the less dead I feel inside. The more I am true to my passions, the more free I feel.

Society tells me that it's okay to live my faith one hour of the week, or less. Society tells me that being 'open' about my faith makes me sound prejudiced and judgmental. Society tells me that we can all get along if we keep our opinions to ourselves. Society is wrong. I am not ashamed of my faith, even if I am ashamed of some of what has been done in it's name. And I don't remember the last time anyone ever got mad at someone who was genuinely serving others. And if we all keep our opinions to ourselves, how will we ever learn? The more I speak to my friends, and listen about their lives and how they see things, the more the way I see the world is broadened, deepened. Sharing experiences and thoughts keeps me humble, for I can see when I am wrong, and another is right, or when both sides have value. Keeping it to myself would be setting myself up for pride and disaster. Society is breeding an entire culture of lukewarm church goers who can't be reached.

Society: 0
Almost any other rational option: 2

Day Three Hundred and Fifty One - Societal Norms Part 1

Societal norm: On Valentines day the man buys flowers, chocolates, and a reservation at a classy hotel in exchange for sex in a red teddy.

Rather than: paying attention to your partner year round and speaking their love language as often as possible, whether it be gifts, quality time, touch, words of affirmation, or acts of service.

In this case, the societal norm is almost offensive as it only caters to one (or maybe two if you count dinner together as quality time) love language, when most people speak all 5 to various degrees. Moreover, the fact that gifts are given with an expectation of reward makes them a payment, and therefore rather degrading, making it incredibly offensive. On top of all of that, it's a complete distortion of the meaning behind the holiday (which is to celebrate love and how powerful it is in the face of adversity), and now has no meaning beyond blatant consumerism that revolves around a 'pudgy, ill equipped little guy... you know, cupid?'. And lastly, 53% of women say that if their partner doesn't get them anything, they will end the relationship. Yup. That seems like a great holiday. I can feel the love. Yea... that's love, right? Oh. No. That's psychotic and purely driven by Hallmark, Victoria's Secret, and Trojan. Frankly, I have no interest in the holiday. I will not be offended if Anthem doesn't do anything special because he does something special every single day by listening, loving, laughing, and growing with me.

Societal Norm: 0
Almost any other rational option: 1

Day Three Hundred and Fifty - Where You Lead

God is doing this really fun thing lately... namely leading me down paths that I have no idea where they go. I prefer to operate in the 'Okay, that is where I would like to end up, but You can choose the route." 

Instead, God is being my turn by turn directions and refusing to tell me the destination. Which, honestly, makes life a whole lot more interesting and has me thinking a whole lot less. But I feel more. I know more. I have more peace. I have more joy. I have more compassion. I have more grace.

He took me seriously. I said, "Where You lead, I will follow." I never said I had to know where we were going. Or why. Only that I would. And I will. And after a few weeks of this... I prefer it this way. 

Day Three Hundred and Forty Nine - Yes If Willing

This is neither the first time nor the last time I'm going to blog about prayer. It's such a complicated subject for me. Some days, I swear it does a whole lot of nothing (which is a greater commentary on my faith than my God to be honest). Other days, I swear it does the opposite of whatever I pray for. Which, again, has more to do with what I think I want vs. what I actually need. And then, on very rare days, He answers very quietly, and very clearly.

Saturday, I started praying for money. I know it seems like a strange request but... well I need it. I want to get married and move into a place and all of that requires money and I don't have any. At all. But here's the thing I love about God. As much as I would LOVE a check to show up on my doorstep, that's not exactly how it works most of the time. But He did indeed answer. As soon as I called my boss, she asked me to work hours that I wasn't scheduled for. The next day, she asked me to work an extra 7 hours. Then she asked me to work 4 hours the next day on my day off. I went from having a 24 hour week to a 40 hour week. Which... is definitely more money than before I prayed.

I like this sort of answered prayer, because it's sort of a litmus test for how much I really want the thing I prayed for. How much do I really want the money if I'm not willing to work for it? He gave me the opportunity to make more money, and I said yes. And I'm thankful. That extra 16 hours will really help.

In the end, I know He hears me; I just wish I could always see the method to His madness, to use one of my favorite sayings.

Day Three Hundred and Forty Eight - Short Fuse

I worked all day today. And it's only the first of many. Starting in December I'll be working 70 hour weeks for a few weeks at least, and when it dies down it'll still be 60 hour weeks. I've got to learn how to handle my stress better and not bring it home because tonight when I started Skyping with Anthem, we were at each other's throats within minutes. I wasn't trying to push his buttons and he wasn't trying to push mine, we were both just crabby because we had long days and missed each other. I don't want to come home with a short fuse.

Because even though a half an hour ago we were at each other's throats, just spending the last half hour looking at him and talking to him, even though some of it was snippy, has relaxed me to the point of being ready for sleep. He makes my day, every day. And when I come home, I'm determined to remember that. I'm determined to cherish him, even when I'm exhausted.

Day Three Hundred and Forty Seven - Tired But Not Stressed

I'd like to say that I have wise things to share with you tonight, but I don't. I'm exhausted. My heart is tired, not from bad things but from so much more good than it's used to. My body is tired from trying to keep up with allergies. My mind is tired from trying to wrap my head around how awesome it is, and trying to figure out how to make it work. It's not going to be easy. And since money is our biggest obstacle, Anthem and I are taking donations.

But I'm not stressed. I have absolutely no idea how all of this is going to work out. It seems absolutely impossible to me. I just know that we're going to fight for it, together. And I know God is going to be the One that accomplishes it. And it's going to be crazy and it's going to seem extreme and it's going to be a lot of things but... well really I don't care if anyone thinks its weird. Love is weird. Dr. Seuss told me so.

Day Three Hundred and Forty Six - Home

"It feels so good to be home."

I cannot tell you the number of times that I have said that in my life. As a rather frequent traveler, it's always been true. I love my adventures. I love being home. As most of you know, I spent the last five days with Anthem. And now, due to living in different states, I'm back where I started. Iowa. But I'm not home.

Home is where Anthem is. That is more true than ever. I flew away from home. I don't even know for certain when the next time I get to be home is. I'm going to be homesick for weeks at least. And I hate it and it makes me sort of pouty.

However, God in His infinite wisdom, has placed a purpose on my heart that was not there before. He took an idea and made it real. I do miss Anthem with every part of me. My body aches to feel his arms around me, my hands are all twitchy because they can't get comfortable without his, I'm freezing without having his constant heat source of a body around, and everything just feels off without him. But there are some things that need to get done before we live in the same state. Quite a few of them, actually. Things that I can totally do to make the transition that much easier.

I guess the purpose of tonight's blog is simply this: instead of wallowing, find a way to prepare for what you want. I want Anthem in my life permanently. So I'm going to work toward that. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to cry my eyes out now and then from gut wrenching longing, but I'm determined not to wallow. Instead I'll work.

One does nothing but make me feel wretched. The other gets ready for awesome. And when I look at it that way, the choice is easy.

Day Three Hundred and Forty Five - Withdrawal

I need my HLM back. I know she is off gallivanting with her man, but her person needs her back. I need soul food, video games, and crocheting. I need sleep deprived laughter and church parking lots. I need the smell of cloves and soothing tea.

I have also discovered without her and parking lot time, my writing dries up. Not a word has been written in my novel since she left. I cannot imagine another world for my characters without the intertwining of her heart and mine.

Despite my withdrawal, I am happy.

I am happy because I found my person in Iowa. I certainly have my other half but he can't take care of all the girly, HLM needs I have. So, today I am missing my person, happily aware that she will be returned to me.

Day Three Hundred and Forty Four - Cherished

I am beginning to understand why marriage is the symbol of God's love for us. Perfect love casts out fear. It also wipes a past clean away. Last night, I was having a conversation with my other half about our pasts. I kept bothering him to tell me everything. He didn't want to tell and I didn't want to tell because both of us were afraid. He was afraid I  would look at him differently. However, when asked if it would change my love for him, I could easily and fully say no. The man I am in love with is an amazing, man of God. His past neither determines his future or him. It certainly does not determine my love for him. I love him because who he is inside inspires me. I know if I let fear get a hold of me, I cannot fully love him for him. Suddenly, his past would torment and bother me. But I know with God's blessing and help fear will have no place in our future.

Fear is an ugly, nasty thing. I finally told him about my fears and we faced them together. Amazingly, he does look at me differently. He looks at me with more love and tenderness than before.  My favorite part: the way he looks at me is starting to help me understand how God looks at me.
I am cherished.
He is cherished.
Fear has no place.

Day Three Hundred and Forty Three - Get off the Fence

I am going to pollute my dear friends blog today with a slightly political post. Please, don't stop reading simply because you read the word politics.

I am annoyed with the people of America. Not because of who won the presidential election. I am mad because all of those people who are now currently complaining and whining about the evil that will face America in the next four years believed their vote had power. They believed their voice could make change. Now suddenly, they have reverted back to believing the President holds the key to how a culture lives. If a voice can truly make a difference, why don't you take it one step further and believe an action can make a difference?

I don't mean go protest at abortion clinics, using your voice to sound your irritation and anger. I mean, go live with the people who need hope. Find individuals who feel lost, stuck, lonely, and hurt. Love them. Take all of your energy you seem willing to pour into facebook posts, picket signs, and soapbox preaching... now use your energy for that Truth you keep saying you believe in. Stop waiting for our country to do what you think best and start being the difference you want to see.

The President, Congress, or any government official does not determine what you choose to do with your every breath. Stop using your breath to disrespect others and to spread fear. Start using it to fill your lungs with fresh air as you take a step off that fence of apathy, anger, and self-indulgence.

Day Three Hundred and Forty Two - The Real World

The real world is far more muddled than people said. Or, maybe they told us but we didn't listen. All I know is all that "knowledge" we spent years of learning is fairly useless in the real world. In fact, the higher you go in education, the more education you are required to unlearn.

I don't recall ever being taught that even good choices have consequences that will hurt. In fact, some good choices have painful consequences that will last a lifetime. I chose to leave my little town in Iowa to go to college in NY. I fell in love with the people of NY and a struggling city. After four years, I made a choice to move back home. I knew the choice I had made was the right one. Yet, every day my heart hurts from the choice I made. I left a home to go to a home. No matter where I am, something/someone is always left behind and sorely missed. Even if I went back tomorrow, that home would not be the same.

I don't recall anyone ever telling me how difficult graduating college would be. Sure, they may have said the real world is difficult. No one excuses late work in an actual job. Bills will constantly demand more of you than you have to give. Daily life is exhausting and tedious. I remember all of those words of wisdom. Still, I don't recall anyone saying you will feel alone in the world after so many years of constant companionship. I don't remember them saying the in-between years are the years you feel lost. You are no longer a child and you are expected to be an adult, all while feeling somewhere in-between.

Pieces of my life are finally fitting together. I found several kindred spirits in Iowa. I even found the love of my life here. I thought I found my big-girl job. Turns out, I need to find a better big-girl job.

Despite the pieces that fit, so many more just don't. Where is real faith, full of questions and passion? How do you live in a culture that you now despise? How do you hold onto friends living over 1,000 miles away?

A professor once told me, questions of life are not to be answered right away. Questions of life must be lived out until they become new questions. She was right. I know she was right. What I need to know... how do you live a question?

Day Three Hundred and Forty One - Insomnia

I've never slept well with people. Ever since Tiffany (love you Tiffers, but it's true) who liked to kick the crap out of me in her sleep, I really just sleep better alone. Always have. At sleepovers, I was always the one that took the couch or the chair or the floor, because you get to sleep alone. I just had no desire to share a bed. Well. Until now.

And here's the thing. Anthem and I haven't slept together (both versions of the word, just to be clear.). But we haven't slept in the same bed. Yet I have become an insomniac over the last few weeks. And I know it's because I'll only sleep well next to him. That's... where I belong. Next to him. And it's going to be a while until I get to spend my nights next to him. So... basically I've signed up for months and months of insomnia because I gave my heart away and it changed me. 

It's worth it but... it sucks. I'm so tired. Even as tired as I am, I realize how incredible it is that my heart has changed so much that it's affecting my habits from halfway across the country. That... that's something special. 

Day Three Hundred and Forty - And I'm The Weird One

I'm tired tonight. Tired of living in this society. Tired of this culture. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for my country and my rights and my equality. But there are parts I don't agree with or like either.

Like our culture's tendency to portray men as big dumb idiots that women keep around purely for procreation. (Don't believe me? Watch a commercial. Who is making the decisions? Who controls the household? The checkbook? Yea.) I don't want a marriage like that. I have no intention of trying to be in control of every aspect of my home or husband. We'll be partners. I have no intention of marrying an idiot. I have no intention of treating my incredible man as if he is an idiot. And yet... I'm the weird one.

Like our culture's tendency to treat relationships like they're disposable paper plates. It literally hurts me to overhear conversations about this. (Note: I work in a mall, I overhear a whole lot of drama.) Relationships seem entirely dominated by a desire for dominance and indulgence and selfishness. To be considerate of your partner is seen as a freaking miracle. To be constantly in and out of 'love' and then hating them so much you can't stand them and think that everything they do is somehow offensive to humanity is normal. Maybe it's just me but I don't hate a single person that I have loved. And I only use loved in the past tense because I don't know them anymore, so I can't love someone I don't know anymore. And yet... I'm the weird one. 

Like our tendency to expect that love fades and eventually everything will be routine and soul numbing. When did that become the expectation? When did that become so incredibly normal that to even desire something else is seen as naive and impossible? No. I will not settle for that. I don't care what I have to do to keep my marriage fresh and exciting, I'm going to do it. I'm not going to settle for a boring life or a boring marriage, and it makes me really sad that some people have. Oh yea, and it's become normal. So normal that being determined to fight it makes me the weird one. 

Like our culture's tendency to give power of our relationship over to Facebook. Just in care you're one of the rare people that have found this blog outside of Facebook, Anthem and I are not 'facebook official'. Because frankly.. neither of us really care. It doesn't affect our relationship. And yet due to the lack my facebook relationship status not including his name, he's been accused (by various friends and acquaintances) of being a cheater, of being ashamed of me, of being a commitaphobe, and of being a player. That's how much power my generation has given a website. Just for everyone's information, there are specific reasons why we haven't gone 'public' with our relationship. And I trust him, completely. And for trusting my man more than a website... I'm the weird one. 

I am tired, but I'm not giving in. It's my life, and I have the power over it. I've honestly just stopped caring about people's opinions. I enjoy their shocked faces, but am no longer affected by their condescension. Think what you want. I'd rather you think I'm naive than be miserable. Because that's what all of these cultural tendencies have in common. The wife that is married to an imbecile... she's miserable. The in and out of 'love'rs that end up hating half the town because they have dated and dumped (or been dumped) every other week... they're miserable. The married (or simply long term) couples that don't even try to seduce, tease, play, or attempt to enjoy each other anymore... they're miserable. And those whose lives are dominated by a social media site... they're miserable too. 

...I'm so glad I'm the weird one. I just wish everyone was as weird as I am.  

Day Three Hundred and Thirty Nine - Cope

I heard this amazing quote via Anthem from a guy who had no idea he was saying something rather fantastic. "I'm coping with having the best relationship of my life." 

I raise my invisibly glass of something delicious to that guy. He's a poet. Coping is the perfect word. See, almost everyone I know is sort of a pessimist. Realists at the very least. And firm believers in Murphy's Law. We're sort of used to getting the shit kicked out of us by life. We're sort of used to things, and people, not being what they seemed. Just scraping by is a win for us. We've just sort of come to expect the worst because then it just won't hurt as much. 

Let me tell you, Murphy leaves you completely unprepared for when everything goes right. I'm at a total loss. I have the absolute best, sweetest, most generous, caring, devoted, passionate, faithful (both senses of the word) man I could have ever dreamed of and I have to rethink everything. My habits of expecting the worst are not only rude at this point, but destructive. For example: my habit of being afraid of rejection is now absurd and unnecessary and yet I still act on that fear, not because I'm afraid anymore, but because I'm so used to being afraid its a habit. It's destructive because Anthem has never once rejected me in any way, and for me to act as if he has hurts him. 

And so I cope. I have to consciously think, all the time, about what I'm saying and doing, or actually why I'm saying and doing anything. Because that's not my life anymore. Fear and disappointment are no longer the themes of my life. I'm safe. I'm loved. I'm cherished. I'm pursued in more ways than I ever dreamed. I'm gleefully happy. My old standards just don't cut it anymore, and I'm having to negotiate the happier side of life. And it does feel like coping. 

It is coping. I'm having to relearn how to live my life without fear or baggage, and with freedom and curiosity. I'm having to relearn how to not do everything by myself and enjoy having a partner by my side. I'm relearning how I live my life, how I think about my future, how I communicate. And it's not always easy. Old habits die hard. But die they must, because I'm never going back.