Just Like Your Grandmother Made and Other Lies from Soup Commercials

     I've been sick for going on 48 hours. Nasty cough, stuffed up, headache, body aches, mild fever, you name it. I've been on a solid diet of tater tots and 7-Up. When my delirious brain stumped upon what, at the time, seemed a magical oasis of awesome. Progresso Soups. I watched the commercial and it seemed to click. 

     OF COURSE. Thats exactly what I need. If I eat that, not only will it be delicious, but I'll feel better just being wrapped in the creamy chicken noodle love that was made just for my soul. So I summoned what little strength I could, got into my car, and went straight to the supermarket. Thank heavens its all of 3 blocks away. But thats a side note. I went immediately to the soup aisle. It was so full of so much promise. As much Progresso as my little empty tummy could ever desire. And oh my Lord the names alone got my mouth watering. Creamy Chicken and Wild Rice, Chicken Corn Chowder, and the Lord of All Soup when you're sick, Homemade Chicken and Noodle. All of them, right there, beckoning to me. I bought them. I bought all of them.

   I only noticed the little green 'Heart Healthy!' signs on them as a vague afterthought. Sure, I thought to myself, I would like my heart to be healthy. Thank you, Progresso. I even remembered their commercials about that too. "Made with Sea Salt!" I love sea salt. This should be delicious!

     LIES. I HATE YOU PROGRESSO. I HATE YOU SO MUCH. I'm fairly sure my 5 year old niece's failed cooking experiments from her easy bake oven taste better than that. There is no salt in that. NONE. And soup needs salt. It needs a lot of it. Or herbs. Or any flavor. At all. Of anything.

    

     To add insult to injury, they screwed up the textures. Chicken shouldn't be that tough, rice shouldn't be that mushy, and 'creamy' does not mean 'slimey'. If I wasn't sick already, I certainly would be after eating that. Thats neither healthy nor delicious. And if my grandma cooked liked that I'm fairly sure my grandpa would have killed her a long time ago. Or at least banned her from the kitchen. Neither of which have happened. SO WHY IS PROGRESSO LYING TO ME!? (I do apologize for the all caps sentences, but since I lost my voice 36 hours ago I feel the need to yell it in my head.) I feel better now.

     On a completely separate note, I happen to have like 10 cans of soup that I will not be using... anyone want to take those off my hands for me?