I have no idea how it happens. Every month it looks like we're not going to make it. And every month we do. I've never been particularly pleased with the situation. I don't understand why God seems to insist on keeping us walking such a thin line. And understand, I do everything in my power to stretch every dollar as far as it will possibly go. We don't waste any money. And every month, regardless of how much James works, or how hard I look for a job and just keep running into walls, we always have just enough. God has heard a lot of prayers that were me whining, begging for financial blessing, and struggling with anger against my apparent powerlessness. Often, I have heard nothing but silence back.
But today, He gave me a sort of brainwave as an answer. All week I've had the idea that I need to start looking for jobs again, particularly a part time job. I struggled with it a few months ago because I just couldn't take the constant rejection, the frustration. But the brainwave, the blessed, gracious brainwave, was realizing that through my poverty God has transformed my identity.
I'm not nearly as timid as I used to be. When I first started looking for a job, James wondered why I didn't just go around literally 'pounding the pavement', aka: going around and physically handing out my resume. I thought he was insane. He wanted me to go chase rejection... in person!? I could hardly handle it over e-mail. And the one interview I had went dismally. Which, in case you were curious, was the first time I've ever not rocked an interview. Now, thinking of going around handing out my resume seems like a really good idea. Because whether or not I get any job is no longer my identity. Now, it's simply showing that I'm a go-getter. I know I'm qualified, I know I'm skilled, I know I'm loyal and dedicated, and I know I'd make an excellent employee. I also know that God has His hand on my life, every single aspect, and that if He wants me to have a job, or not have a job, I will accept His will joyfully.
But how does this come from poverty? Valid question. Because of the realization that I am utterly powerless when it comes to God's will in my life. I've given it to Him a thousand times in prayer, and He has taken me seriously. No matter what I do, God is in charge. And because I know, in faith, that everything God does is for my good, regardless of whether or not I understand it. Because God has made sure that we are completely taken care of, no matter how bad it looked. Because I've realized that even though I am ashamed of my poverty, that it has had no bearing on how people see me, how much my husband loves me, or any other impact on my life whatsoever. It has instead made me thankful for the blessings I do have, and determined to be a faithful steward regardless of how much, or how little, money I have.
Being jobless (and therefore having less money) has also given me the opportunity to do things other than work. I volunteer, I have time to go to a whole lot of activities, I've gotten time to find qualities in myself that I am proud of, and have found that to God and my husband, I am valuable and wonderful even if I never make another cent. My job doesn't define me. Not one little bit. And that... feels amazing.
I've never been so thankful to have been broke. And if He's not done teaching me, then by all means let it continue. Because His grace is what matters most, and I embrace it. Even if it's in the form of poverty.
Through my poverty, He has given me joy. God be praised.
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