Day 445 - My Marriage Isn't Trendy... Because We're One

Something happened yesterday that has me seriously saddened for the state of our culture. I realized, shockingly, that a happy marriage with respectful boundaries is, to put it quite simply, out of style. It's not popular. It's not something most people aspire to, hope for, or have any respect for in others. It... grieves me.

In fact, I was shocked to discover, it seems that it is something that is disrespected, misunderstood, and attacked.

I was talking to a dear friend about it yesterday, and she agreed with my lament. She knows of a marriage in which boundaries are not respected, neither by the spouses, nor those outside of it. The wife of said union has continued to communicate with her guy friends as if she was still single, and the guy friends continuing to communicate with a married woman without acknowledging her marriage. And it's damaging the marriage, throwing it into precarious situations so early in it's forming.

Anthem and I have set up boundaries for our marriage to protect it, to protect each other, and to protect ourselves. For that reason, we are completely transparent with each other. Our phones are used interchangeably, and unless it's 'girl stuff' (ie Erica or Emily and I talking endlessly via text) Anthem is the first to know, as it's very often an update or question that involves both of us. Most of our friends know that we use our phones interchangeably, and so if they can't get a hold of one of us, they'll text the other. Or text us simultaneously. We know each other's passwords to e-mail and facebook (and honestly are going to try to merge our personal facebooks in time), not because we need to 'check-up' on each other, but because of how we live, and what we're doing, we often need to use each other's friend lists, updates, or information.

And to my ever living, jaw dropping shock, people find that offensive. I have not yet gotten to what we ask of others in our marriage, only what we do with each other. And I have been told, multiple times, that this is offensive. Why, you might ask? I certainly did. Here is what I was told:

a) It disrespects me as an individual. Married or not, privacy is a basic right that my husband is denying me.

b) It shows a complete lack of trust on our part, and lack of respect for each other. It's co-dependency at it's worst.

c) It's a misrepresentation to our friends. They are expecting to speak to us as individuals, not a couple.

Utterly flabbergasted, I'm going to start with the basics. I'm married. We're intimate. I feel the need to clarify. Intimate does not mean sexually active. It is much, much more than that. The intimacy between a husband and a wife is... more than I had ever imagined. Because it's not just knowing each other, it's not just spending a whole lot of time together, it's not even about making children (which is an amazing, amazing thing), it's about being one. One. Not two people living together, not two people sleeping together, but two as one. As one, as our bodies are no longer our own, so it is with our things. They become ours. So, to us, it seems completely natural to share phones and accounts and computers.

To put it directly, privacy is not a right my husband is denying me. I voluntarily gave up my 'right' to privacy when I said my vows. Anthem did the same. Not because we don't trust each other, but to protect our marriage from those who don't respect it.

It is not a lack of trust on our part, nor a lack of respect, nor is it co-dependent. I trust my husband implicitly. And he trusts me. And we build that trust with transparency. To be very, very honest, it is the world we do not trust. The world we will not trust. The world we cannot trust. Which is why we set boundaries for how the world interacts with us. This protects us from a culture that does not value our marriage, seeks to destroy it rather than protect it.

It is an assumption we make with each other that our friends see us as one. I'm not expecting Erica to suddenly start texting James about how much periods suck. I am expecting her to understand if she texts me about it, and James sees it by accident and passes it to me. Or even responds with, "Hey sorry, I've got Val's phone today. You can text her on mine, or I'll forward it to her." And because Erica knows our marriage, she'd blush on the other end of the text and say, "It's cool, I understand." And she would. Not a big deal. Our family here in Texas has taken to doing much the same. If they can't get a hold of one of us, they'll text the other. Again, not a big deal, and even stranger... No one seems to think it's weird.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I'm getting very tired of having to explain things that seem very, very normal to me. Like being one with my husband. Like sharing our stuff. Like protecting our marriage. One of the safeguards we have put to practice in our marriage is to limit one-on-one contact with the opposite sex. There are exceptions to the guidelines. Our pastor sometimes texts me directly, but that's rare. It's usually just when he needs to get a hold of Anthem. And things for work are necessary. A lot of our friends are mutual, for which I am thankful. We spend time together as couples. Those that aren't, we are with together, or stick to our gender. We enjoy this (yes, we enjoy this) because it gives us freedom with each other. Because it protects us, and because it keeps us above suspicion. Everyone, everyone, knows how seriously we take our marriage. There is no room for anyone to create division, or to create suspicion.

And I'm grieved that so many of my one time 'friends' have decided that respecting my marriage is the line in the sand that they will not cross, and when I will not budge from the side of my husband, they hurl insults (usually at my husband) and walk away. I'm grieved that I was so deceived by so many. I'm grieved that our culture sees 'the retention of personal rights' as more important than a marriage. I'm grieved that marriage, the word, is no longer understood for what it is, but is just seen as something you do in a long term relationship. I'm just... grieved. Marriage, or lack thereof, has become something to do. People, spouses, have become dispensable once they no longer make you happy. I'm grieved.

And I'm done. I'll explain our marriage to anyone that asks, because I find it incredibly uplifting to hear stories of similar marriages, and love to share ours. But there is no room to tolerate anyone who is actively trying to undermine our marriage. None. And that will never, ever change.