The week before my wedding I was on the phone with my brother. It was 11pm and he was beyond upset with me. I was beyond frustrated with him. In case you didn't know, my brother was not happy about my marriage to Anthem. It was not what he wanted for me. It was not what he wanted from me. We were arguing. I said, "I don't care if you don't approve. Mom does, and she knows me a hell of a lot better than you. She supports me."
He said, "Of course she does. She'd support you in anything. She's supporting you now. It's pathetic. You're what, twenty five? And you've never even had a real job."
I hung up on him. He didn't know what he was talking about. I had worked hard, wherever I could find work, for years trying to work my way up. I had two jobs at the time, one professional, one retail, though I had to quit both when I moved to Texas. And I've blogged a few times about the physical/spiritual journey that is the job hunt down here. At first, I wanted a job that would make Anthem proud. I didn't want to work in a grocery store or retail. I was afraid Anthem would be ashamed of having a wife in a position like that. I know better now. Anthem values a wife that works for her family (as I have been, though technically unemployed) and a wife that finds value in herself - he does not assign me value based on what position I hold in a company. That was revolutionary to me. Due to the influence of my (wonderful, though flawed) father and (work in progress) brother, I had always assumed that I had to have a position to be proud of, and that without it, no one would be proud of me, or think well of me. God bless him everyday, my amazing gift of a husband has changed that for me. He has shown me, he has taught me, that I am valuable for no other reason than who I am. And under his care and love, have blossomed into the best version of myself I have ever been. And also the truest. I am just... me.
Which is why, I've never been more proud of myself than I am today. A few days ago, a wonderful woman spent hours of her afternoon off helping me fix my resume to honestly reflect my experience and ability, and taught me how to write effective cover letters. She's amazing, and truly believes that I'll be employed in two weeks or less in a professional setting. I've been applying my brains out, and pray that she is right. It would be wonderful. As I was leaving, she asked if until I found employment, whether I would be willing to clean her house for her. As we had been talking, I had mentioned how cleaning actually calms me and helps me get settled. I said I'd love to, and I start tomorrow.
Anthem knows I took her offer to clean her house, he doesn't know I start tomorrow. And I can hardly wait to tell him because I know he'll be so proud of me. Because I genuinely enjoy cleaning. Because the pay is very good. Because we could use the extra money and because I enjoy doing anything that is good for us. Because I no longer judge people by the 'level' of employed that they are. Because I no longer judge myself by the level of employed that I am, and that's all because of Anthem.
Never have I ever liked myself more. Never have I ever been more proud of myself. Never have I ever been so happy. Never have I ever been as blessed as I am right now, to love and be loved by Anthem.
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