Do you ever wonder if the author of Joshua left out part of the story of Jericho? Like, the part where Joshua says, "Excuse me, God Almighty, you want me to do what?" Because Joshua was used to inquiring of the Lord before battle. He knew he needed God. And God would often deliver to him a brilliant battle plan. And then this time, they need to take the well fortified city of Jericho, and God tells them to march around it a lot. I'd be concerned I had a high fever right about then.
Sort of like I am now. Because God's latest marching orders have made me very much feel like I'm walking around Jericho. As you know, ever since I got to Texas I've been looking for a job. With almost no success at all. Which has been terribly discouraging. Anthem is working all of the time to support us (and doing a fabulous job, might I add) and I feel like I'm not contributing anything. Which isn't entirely true. I'm just not contributing money.
Yesterday, I was filled with such angst about it. I felt like a total failure. Anthem could tell. He sent me this message. "Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting], but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord, she shall be praised!" Proverbs 31:30 I knew God was trying to tell me something through Anthem, something that I just wasn't getting. But I knew I was so close, I just had to see something I was missing. Something obvious.
And that's when I felt it. God speaking. He said that though I've been praying for a job, I've been relying entirely on my resume and my own credentials. Which have nothing to do with what He wants me to do. Stop applying, He said. Rather, get out and do. Live. Explore. Talk to people. I'm not promising it'll lead to a job, He said, but I can tell you it will take you where I want you.
My heart darn near exploded in joy, because suddenly everything I was feeling made absolute sense. But then I felt a new emotion. I felt so terribly guilty. It wasn't right, to do that, to stop worrying and stop doing everything I could to get a job when Anthem is working so hard. I confessed this to him, and he reminded me of the verse he'd sent me. "It's more important that you follow the Lord and where He is leading you than struggle in what seems right to you. All I ask is that you take time tomorrow to be still before God and seek Him. No sermons, no books, nothing but you and God. I do not value you by what you 'contribute' to our life, just being you will always be enough."
I still struggle with the idea, which is why I'm here talking about it. This blog often helps me clarify. That and I'm listening to Shawn McDonald, who I recently rediscovered, and that is soothing to my soul. Something in me knows that I need to follow what I'm convicted of, regardless of how much sense they make to me or to the world watching me. (Which, lets be honest, is less than I like to think.) It's hard. I like plans so much, and take pride in making sense. But what I really, really need is to take pride in Jesus and that He considers me worthy enough to lead in love. I've got the most supportive husband on earth, and am free to follow leading I find less than conventional. And my soul often needs to be saved from the pride of thinking that I know the best way to do anything.
God told me to walk around Jericho, except Jericho is Temple and I'm supposed to enjoy it, serve it, explore it, and interact with it. God will take care of the rest, and guide my obedient footsteps toward Him. Which... is really all that matters.
Here's to feeling crazy *raises warm cup of earl grey* and needing to confess the sin of ever thinking I know better than God. Here's to feeling saved from making the massive mistake of doing exactly what I was doing in Iowa with just a change of location. Here's to the best guy in the world making me his wife. Here's to a different way of looking at life, and a different way of living it. Here's to newness of spirit, and a renewing of mind. Here's to walking around Jericho.
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