1) A painting (I'm no painter but I love it so much) of a quote I saw that made me think of us.
Personally, I love it, and it took hours upon hours as each layer had to dry. It's not professional by any stretch, but I like it none the less. It's also not done. But it's mostly done. Just some finishing touches left.
2) I bought him a small decorative tray to hold his bathroom stuff. We've been wanting it for weeks but couldn't find one that matched mine. I finally found one, bought it, and put his stuff in it.
3) We recently rearranged our bedroom, and in doing so moved Anthem outside of the lovely stream of AC that blows in. I was contemplating this while making the bed, and using cardboard, some string, and a staple gun, figured out how to manipulate the stream of air onto him.
So Anthem gets home, exhausted. I'm still putting laundry away, but pause to show him the surprises. I hardly counted number three, but I knew it would make him happy. He loved it. The cardboard that pushes cold air down on him. He went on and on about how much he loved it, and how he'd been trying to figure out how to mount a fan up there but this worked so much better. I took him into the bathroom and again, he just loved it. Finally, he said. Doesn't that look better? he said. Thank you! he said and gave me a huge hug. Finally, I took him downstairs to see the painting.
"Yea, that's nice love." He said, kissed me on the forehead, and went to take a shower. At first my feelings were hurt. I worked really hard on that. I thought he'd really love it. But as I thought about it, I started to understand (I think) and it has nothing to do with my painting. It has everything to do with listening. Well. It has everything to do with feeling heard and appreciated. And through that lens, the order of his appreciation made complete sense.
1) It was something small, something he would have never thought twice about if I hadn't done a single thing about it. The fact that I had listened, and sat down and thought about how to make it better for him, especially when he wasn't there (which showed him that I think about him even when he's not here) and did it when there wasn't a single thing I gained by it, made him feel very, very loved. And he did indeed sleep a lot better as every time he got too hot, the AC kicked on and started blowing cool air on him.
2) We haven't talked about it in weeks, but I hadn't forgotten. I knew it was something he wanted, so I've been keeping my eye out for it. Once I found it, I got it. I didn't see it as taking effort, but he did. I listened, I persevered, I valued his wants and desires. He felt listened to, valued, and appreciated.
3) It's words. On some wood. I got enjoyment out of making it, and the words are sweet, but they are just that. It was a gesture of affection, but not one of that was overly special, nor useful. It didn't help him sleep better or make him feel listened to. He wants to encourage me to keep painting, but it's a quote I found. I think he'd rather I tried something entirely original.
And I can see where he's coming from. When you've been burned by sweet words, it's the little things that make all the difference. The little things that say 'I'm listening', 'I'm thinking about you when you're not here', 'You're appreciated', and 'Your desires are my desires'. Not something that could transition from one relationship to another.
In the end, I think a lot of it is about love languages. Not necessarily service vs. gifts. But words don't hold the same weight with Anthem that they do with me, so when I want to show him how much I love him, I need to speak his language instead of expecting him to speak mine. Good thing I've got time to get fluent.
Today's lesson: if there is someone you love or appreciate, let them know. It'll make their whole day better.
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