I've been incredibly convicted lately. My lifestyle is indulgent, selfish, uncaring, lacking compassion, passionless, and frankly unhealthy. And there is nothing I can do about it by thinking about it, or by changing my heart to get results, or anything else that is not doing. I know I've said it before, but I am not ashamed of this. I am grateful that God has not given up on me.
I am incapable of change. I will always drift toward the indulgent. I can try and make rigid rules, but when in crisis I will indulge. I will feel trapped, and no real change will occur. I've tried that. Unsuccessfully. For a couple of years now. Marrying Anthem didn't change who I was... and I didn't consciously know that I thought it would. But being Anthem's wife does make it easier to change, because he encourages me to be happy, healthy, selfless, and active. And as I've let it sink in, and slowly become really ready to let God change me from the outside in - yes, you heard that right - changing how I feel, what I value, where my thoughts are, where my heart is, by doing what I know is right, what is good, what is healthy, what is loving, what is selfless, regardless of what I feel like doing at the time. Last night, I set my mind toward it.
And then last night, I didn't sleep for crap. Not having Anthem next to me at night... is awful. So I woke up a little late, and pretty groggy. But I wasn't going to let it stop me. I drank a whole bunch of water (which is more difficult in the early morning than you'd think, btw) and started with some stretches. Took my multivitamin, made some tea, and started breakfast. I was feeling good, though a little stiff. And then a wave of unpleasantness started. Extreme nausea, sharp headache, severe body aches. I'm a total wimp when it comes to feeling sick. I know my body and all of the ways in which it is deficient, and none of these symptoms felt like normal. Something inside of me told me that something else was going on. It had nothing to do with the tea, the water, the multivitamin, or the breakfast. Because when I prayed, everything went to a manageable level. Not gone, but manageable.
And while I've been writing this, God has revealed to me why - because He is using my weakness to strengthen my (pretty much nonexistent) self control. Because I resolved to all of this regardless of how I'm feeling. And that needs to start now, or I will always find an excuse not to do something because of how I feel - whether its emotional or physical. I still need to do it. God and I are both tired of my bullshit. And these minor aches and pains aren't going to stop me.
Living fully looks different for everyone. What I am called to do probably isn't what you are called to do. And as previously discussed, I often feel silly about what God is calling me to do. But its my task, and He loves me, and I'm going to do it, regardless of how silly I feel.
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