Anthem has been gone for about two days now. It sucks. I miss him like crazy. But I'm thankful for the time alone, because God has been using it to speak to my heart. Rather loudly, now that I think about it.
Truthfully, I've been being selfish. I've been acting primarily on feelings. And I've been rather completely wrapped up in the inner workings of my own mind. Which frankly has led me to be cranky, unpredictable (not the good kind), and often feeling a bit down. Which is highly unfair to Anthem.
I've repented to God, and apologized to Anthem, and felt something inside of me changing. And then tonight, as I was dwelling on it while cleaning up the kitchen and the words 'serve the stranger' started to echo in my mind. Which could not be more true. While Anthem is my husband, who I do indeed love very much, in all truth he is also very much a stranger. I like to forget that. We were having a conversation the other day, about his past, and it dawned on me all over again that this man, as amazing and wonderful as he is, is still a stranger to me.
I see now that I've tried been guilty of trying to turn us into something we're not - a married couple that has known and loved each other for years. I want to believe that his heart is full of me, that I'm his reason for living, etc. Which is sort of ridiculous. Please, do not misunderstand. Anthem loves me very much, of that I have no doubt. He is loyal, faithful, honest, kind, and hardworking. He is far more selfless than I.
What we have is a far greater opportunity than a couple who married for love. We have an opportunity to show something unique to the world - selfless serving. Anthem and I have already noticed that marriage has made us better people, better Christians. There is a freedom in marriage, a grace to it, that is unparalleled. God has truly blessed us both in it.
Truly, to serve Anthem is to be the best of me. To not be afraid. To not worry. To not be dictated by changing emotions, or by selfish sulking. To embrace each day, to be vibrantly alive. To not be so anxious. To read, to pray, to worship, to create, to be active, to love. To be open. And to be joyously accepting of my part in all this. It is not as the center of Anthem's universe, but as his very committed helper. He told me the other day that while I didn't inspire him like he knew I wished I did, I was very much his safety, and that was something he very much needed. "The commitment we have made to each other makes us more suited to each other than anyone else we might ever encounter." And he's right. Love, true love, deep love, love that lasts a lifetime, takes time. And it's been two and a half months. What is important, right now, is the commitment we made. Is the relationship we have - what we are becoming as we come together.
I love my husband, and want to be a better wife each day. And can't if I keep trying to make myself believe that this is any relationship other than ours. If I refuse to embrace the beauty of what we are, of who we are, of what we've made. So, as love keeps growing, I will continue to serve the stranger.
No comments:
Post a Comment