Day Three Hundred and Seventy Three - Grief

I burst into tears in my car today. I was listening to one of my favorite bands and the lyrics just got to me. They helped give a voice to my very confused heart. I know Anthem did some things that made me, and a lot of my friends very angry. But we had our moments too. The day I got the call from Wisconsin, he was there, and reminded me of how strong and beautiful and awesome I was even though I got rejected from the job I had my heart set on. When I was in Texas visiting him, there was a moment over drinks where we talked about science fiction that really gave me hope. He could be incredibly sweet and tender and loving. It's when his demons got the best of him, when he stopped seeing me and started seeing the girls that had hurt him, scarred him that everything got terrible very quickly. It still hurts and I still need to cry. 

That guy that I got to know, that Anthem, that hurting, struggling, wonderful guy that did love me... I miss him. I don't miss the controlling, accusing, insanely jealous guy that came in after. But that was the last bit of our relationship. And I still get to cry. I never got to cry. Everyone was so busy being angry at him that I never got to voice my tears. No matter what happened, I did love him. Part of me still does and always will. Because it's love. No, he's not allowed even a foot in my life anymore, but that doesn't suddenly invalidate all the good times we did have and all the things I learned. Or that I was looking for forever. I wasn't lying when I shared my heart with him. 

I don't know what the point of this is. He's gone. I'm crying. I wish I'd gotten the chance to get to know who he really was because the glimpses I saw were... of an amazing guy. He just has his own demons to battle. I don't hate him. I love him. I just know he's not good for me. And I know that I'm not what he wanted and couldn't change enough to be that girl. We wanted very different things out of life. And I wish him the best. I never even got to say goodbye, or figure things out. 

I guess I feel better just saying this stuff. Just having a chance to get it out. Maybe now I can just close this chapter, smile, say a prayer for him, and move on. 

Day Three Hundred and Seventy Two - More In Love With Love

We're not really going to talk about Anthem. It's enough to say he's not who I thought he was. And that's no ones fault but mine. I lept before I looked. And I got a little burned in the process. But what I learned was well worth it.

See...I've got this nasty, yet useful trick of being able to rather successfully blend into the crowd I'm with. When I was with Anthem... I tried to become the girl Anthem wanted me to be. And for a while, it worked. Until I realized the face I was putting on wasn't my face. I wanted it to be. But it wasn't.

In the beginning, I didn't know that. I didn't really know who I was, and frankly I still don't. I still struggle to not put on masks all the time. But the longer I'm alive, and the more faces I try on, I'm slowly learning who I am and who I'm not.

My new years resolution? To wear more vests. Because I look really awesome in vests. And I discovered that chucks work for me. I like those too. Not as much as I like vests but I do like them. And I really like doing my hair every few days. I still hate blow dryers. I digress.

I don't know if its different for other people or not, but I find out who I really am when confronted with who I'm really not.

And I'm really more in love with the idea of love than any guy I've ever dated. The longer I'm alive the more I realize I've only really ever been in love once and that's an incredibly pathetic thing to admit to myself. Especially considering he recently married and part of me is still grieving. And Anthem? I don't really know that I ever knew who Anthem was. I knew many Anthems. I don't know which ones were real or not.

But I'm tired of being in love with being in love. I don't even know what it is or what it's supposed to be. All I know is that I'm really hoping to find someone who gets my nerd humor. But not right now. Right now, if someone comes along, I'll just get lost again. And I don't want to. I like me. The more I discover about me the more I like me.

And until I know me, how can I know, really know anyone else? Really know them forever. Really love them forever? I can't. At least not in any estimation. Don't get me wrong, my eyes are still roaming but for now... I'll content myself to flirting. I don't want to be more in love with the idea of love and never really know it than to content myself with dreams. I want reality. And to have it, I have to know... me.

Day Three Hundred and Seventy One - Into The Silence

No matter how loud the world around me gets, or how many different directions I feel pulled, when I have peace, it is quiet inside. And when it's quiet inside, I can hear myself. And more importantly, I can hear God. 

Right now, my life is pretty loud. I feel stretched pretty thin. But I'm also pretty thankful. And inside, it's as quiet as the hush after a heavy snow. I feel like I can hear the smallest whisper inside. And because of everything that has happened in the past few months, I know exactly who I am. And not a clue where I'm going. And I'm totally okay with that because at this very moment, I am genuinely happy. Not only with my life, but with me. I am proud of me. I like me. And without guilt or insecurity constantly screaming at me, I can enjoy the silence. And into the silence... I can speak. I can praise. I can breathe. I can enjoy everything that life has to offer. Good food. The pride of doing all you can to do the best you can. The best friends I could ever ask for. A warm bed. A full belly. And enough reading material to fill a year. 

In the silence, every blessing becomes more apparent. In the silence, it's easier to know what to do and where to go. In the silence... I'm not worried about a single thing. In the silence, I have peace. 

Day Three Hundred and Seventy - The War on Christmas

Dear Christians In America,

I hate to tell you this, but America was established as a country of religious freedom where people could worship whoever they wanted, however they chose. If a community wants to have a Nativity Scene in their public park, they can. But as it's a public park, it is also perfectly acceptable to not endorse a single religion, even if it is the religion of the majority. This is not a war on Christmas. The choice of saying 'Happy Holidays' in stores is not a war on Christmas. It's their private store, the owner can display any greeting they choose. It's their right. So let me get one thing very, very clear.

The only way to wage war on Christmas is for self-proclaiming Christians to forget what Christmas is about. When a self-proclaiming Christian yells at a clerk for ringing up something wrong - they just shot themselves in the foot. When a Christian gets so stressed out about making everything look perfect that they forget to be kind, generous, and loving to those around them, they have lost the war.

Christians, my brothers and sisters, the war on Christmas is real. But it isn't non-Christians vs. Christians. It's our own hearts losing sight of what we proclaim to love, of the very birth of the savior who was born to die. If we lose sight of His sacrifice, then we have lost the war. If we get lost in commercialism, then we have lost the war. If we get lost in battling others about what 'True Americans' should say to each other during the Holidays (for more than Christmas is celebrated during this season) than we have lost the war.

You know what I haven't heard yet this season? Not a single Athiest, Jew, or Festivus celebrator complaining about the 'Merry Christmas' everywhere, or when I say it to them after their purchase. You know what I have heard? More than enough Christians complaining about the "Happy Holidays" and how it's ruining Christmas.

Christians are the only ones responsible for putting Christ in Christmas. Let me tell you how much any marketing agency does not want to focus their ads on the selflessness and lack of materialism that defines the humility of the birth of Christ.

If you want Christ in Christmas, put Him there.

Day Three Hundred and Sixty Nine - Time

Hey guys. I know. It's been ten days. I haven't gone ten days without blogging since it began. For the past ten days, I have not had the time.

Well. The last time I had the time I decided to put up my Christmas tree instead.

And what the past ten days has taught me is that... time is precious. Tonight, I was off at 4pm and I practically threw a mental party about it. A whole night! Now, to be clear, I do feel sort of terrible for taking the night off from being social. Tonight is the Winter Formal and Sacrifice, which you'll remember from last year is freaking awesome. And even though it is my favorite party of the year, my tank has been running on fumes for days. There was just no way I could swing it and stay sane. So I pulled up Hulu and caught up on Grey's Anatomy while I did two sinkloads of dishes. And I felt calmer than I had in days. Being productive, and having a chance to be quiet, is essential to my sanity. And when I work 12-13 hour days, I just don't have it in me to keep up with everything that needs to be done.

And so I now cherish the hours off that I have (It's been over 2 weeks since my last day off, and 10 days until my next one so I now count my 'off time' in hours) and fill them with productivity and utter relaxation. Time is precious. And I'll be glad to have a day off, and enjoy it like I never have. I know there will come a day when I'll once again forget how precious time is, but today is not that day. Today is the day I made food, did dishes, did laundry, and went to bed at 8:30 to catch up sleep.

And the thing is...I really don't mind this schedule. It has its days when I'm tired and want to be home. But for the most part, I really don't mind it at all. Especially considering I'm 24.

I've gotta do Advent stuff with momma. But wanted to say hey. I'll make up for lost time in the coming months. Everything slows down after Christmas.

Day Three Hundred and Sixty Eight - Ready

It's game time. Tomorrow morning I take my insurance exam. (Not to be an insurance agent, but to work for them competently. I prefer receptionist to sales. That being said, if you live in Iowa and need some insurance, we've got the best.) I've been studying for weeks. I'm as ready as I'm going to get. And now... now I just have to trust in my own abilities.

I'm so excited to be done with this test. Today was day three of my new job and I love it. It's right up my alley. I can be as organized as I please, and I get to make coffee in the mornings. Office banter is good natured and all around pleasant. I couldn't ask for a better position. And of course, everything at Kitchen Dressings is going swimmingly again as I'm not longer calling in sick every day. Still not completely recovered, but thanks to a fantastic mom and wonderful friends, am back on my feet and getting there.

Everything is changing, which as you might know, usually makes me freak out a little. But I'm not. I'm just really excited for the opportunities that are coming my way. Soon the HLM and I will be roomies and working together more often. Soon I'll be able to answer a lot of questions about myself that I'd really like to know, including: can I do this on my own?

With great freedom comes great responsibilities, and some questions about myself I can only find the answer to when I'm the only one responsible for me. When it's my place, my life, and just me in the quiet times. There are a lot of things I need to know. And thankfully, I have the time to find the answers in the coming months. Because finally... I'm ready.

Day Three Hundred and Sixty Eight - Nothing Makes You Thankful Like

Nothing makes you thankful like being sick. It's been a week now. I've been sitting on this couch, feeling like death, for a week. It's horrible. I miss my life. I hate calling in sick to work. Not only because I leave my boss in a bind, but because I genuinely enjoy working. I like making money, and I like being productive.

I miss my friends. My beautiful, wonderful friends have invited me out on multiple occassions this week that I have had to decline due to feeling like total crap.

I miss the outdoors. I miss talking without coughing. I miss breathing through my nose. I miss being able to clean my house. No, really, I do.

I haven't even decorated for Christmas yet. Makes me want to cry. I love all things sparkly. And I started Advent all alone instead of at church like I wanted.

But now, when I get well, I'm not going to let a single second of the season pass me buy without my notice. So, I'm thankful for being sick for the past week. Because it's reminded me of all the things that are important in this world.