We're not really going to talk about Anthem. It's enough to say he's not who I thought he was. And that's no ones fault but mine. I lept before I looked. And I got a little burned in the process. But what I learned was well worth it.
See...I've got this nasty, yet useful trick of being able to rather successfully blend into the crowd I'm with. When I was with Anthem... I tried to become the girl Anthem wanted me to be. And for a while, it worked. Until I realized the face I was putting on wasn't my face. I wanted it to be. But it wasn't.
In the beginning, I didn't know that. I didn't really know who I was, and frankly I still don't. I still struggle to not put on masks all the time. But the longer I'm alive, and the more faces I try on, I'm slowly learning who I am and who I'm not.
My new years resolution? To wear more vests. Because I look really awesome in vests. And I discovered that chucks work for me. I like those too. Not as much as I like vests but I do like them. And I really like doing my hair every few days. I still hate blow dryers. I digress.
I don't know if its different for other people or not, but I find out who I really am when confronted with who I'm really not.
And I'm really more in love with the idea of love than any guy I've ever dated. The longer I'm alive the more I realize I've only really ever been in love once and that's an incredibly pathetic thing to admit to myself. Especially considering he recently married and part of me is still grieving. And Anthem? I don't really know that I ever knew who Anthem was. I knew many Anthems. I don't know which ones were real or not.
But I'm tired of being in love with being in love. I don't even know what it is or what it's supposed to be. All I know is that I'm really hoping to find someone who gets my nerd humor. But not right now. Right now, if someone comes along, I'll just get lost again. And I don't want to. I like me. The more I discover about me the more I like me.
And until I know me, how can I know, really know anyone else? Really know them forever. Really love them forever? I can't. At least not in any estimation. Don't get me wrong, my eyes are still roaming but for now... I'll content myself to flirting. I don't want to be more in love with the idea of love and never really know it than to content myself with dreams. I want reality. And to have it, I have to know... me.
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