Day Three Hundred and Thirty Eight - By Comparison

I'm dating an Italian supermodel. Well. He could be. A Spanish one at least. I'm not sure if you have to be Italian to be an Italian supermodel (we have Victoria's Secret Angels that are Russian) but I digress. He's literally that good looking. It's incredibly distracting when we talk because sometimes my thoughts just wonder... Arg. Again. Digress. I promise I have a point. 

I always thought that if I ever, by some stroke of incomprehensible luck, was with someone that was just jaw dropping-ly, drool inducing-ly, stop you dead in your tracks-ingly, good looking, that I would constantly feel ugly by comparison. I don't. I feel ten times hotter now than I did the day before we met. I feel stunning all the time. 

When he skypes me in the morning, knowing that I'm just waking up and haven't showered or done my make up or my hair and tells me, "You look so beautiful right now." Or when I get home from work and I'm telling him a story about it and he stops me and says, "Baby, I do want to hear that story, I just need you to start over because when I saw you I couldn't think straight. You're absolutely stunning." Or the times that I've called him when I was crying because I was having a bad day and he says, "I know you're hurting, love, but I just have to tell you, you're the prettiest crier I've ever seen." It's constant. There is not a single moment that he doesn't take the time to tell me how beautiful he thinks I am. And because of that, I feel stunning. All the time. My Italian supermodel makes me feel radiantly beautiful. 

Because there is no comparison. He never says, "You look like (insert famous pretty lady here)," or, "You're as beautiful as (insert pretty person here),". There is no comparison. He thinks I am beautiful. Period. It's not about how I look in relation to anyone else. It's just about how I look in his eyes. And when you know those eyes see only you... there aren't words to describe how beautiful you feel. 

Day Three Hundred and Thirty Seven - Is Comfort Really That Important?

It's early in the morning. Still probably dark out. It's cold. I wrap myself up in my blanket, grab my bible and my favorite pen that Anthem got me and my notebook and shuffle out into the kitchen and start the coffee pot that's going to be full of black tea, and turn on a light and sit down at the kitchen table and start my day right. And I know some days she'll be there before me, and I know some days she'll wait until the tea is done  before she shuffles out of her room. And some days the person crashing on the couch will pull the covers over their head and grumble about why our house starts moving at before the sun comes up, and sometimes they'll come and join us. 

Our fridge will always be empty, but our stomachs full. Our house will be cold, but our hearts warm, and we'll have so many blankets. I know I'm called to communal living. Not in the hippy sense where we're communists and share everything. Maybe someday. I mean, I really do enjoy organic food, but I digress. It will be our place, my HLM and I. But there will always be people there. Always. We'll always be feeding people, worshiping with people, having a disney night, having an xbox night, etc. Which is sort of hilarious, considering we're both introverts. Which is why it is absolutely necessary that our rooms are private. But our living room and kitchen might as well belong in a dorm for how much they'll be used by people not us. 

And honestly, even though I know that's what I'm being called to, and what I want, even the thought fills me with a little bit of anxiety. But it's not about what I'm comfortable with. It's about what God wants. Some days I'm not comfortable approaching God as the all powerful King, Lord, and Holy of Holies that He is, but He wants me to worship Him for that. Some days it's hard to lean on His grace and come boldly before the throne as His beloved child, but He wants that too. 

I am so much more filled when I worship and live as He requires, rather than how I am comfortable. 

Day Three Hundred and Thirty Six - Dissatisfaction

You know what doesn't lead to change? Contentment with the status quo.

I could go on a rant that would fill the Library of Congress of things I am dissatisfied with. But I could fit on the back of a matchbook the things that I've changed because of it. Because 99% of the time, my laziness wins out. I don't want to put the effort in, even in my own life, to change what I'm dissatisfied with.

And then you hit that point... that you don't care about what it takes, you're just going to change it. The HLM and I had this conversation last night. When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired (spiritually). And I am. I am thoroughly dissatisfied with my prayer life. I know how much just reading my bible every day (and granted, skimming it most nights) has changed my life. And I don't want to go another day without covering every thing in my life, every person I love, every worry, every hurt, every joy, every triumph, in prayer to the God of my life.

And what excites me is that it seems to me my entire generation is dissatisfied. We were told that our faith would move mountains, but have never seen it. We were told this faith would define us, but never saw a life that looked like that. And we want so much more. We can feel the faith calling us, we can feel the spirit changing us, and we're not going to have our spiritual life be internalized while we live a 'normal' life on the outside.

There will not be 2.5 kids in the back of the mercedes as we pull up to our white picket fenced house in the burbs that is full of pretty knickknacks. Potlucks will not be something that only happens at church once a month. Community will not be social events that are done with church friends.

I don't know how many kids I'll have, but they will never wear cardigans (unless they want to, they can be very stylish children if they choose) or be forced into tennis lessons. I'll never own a mercedes, because I can't imagine spending that much money on a vehicle when a Toyota will suit me just fine. Seriously, those engines like never die. My house may be in the burbs at some point in time, but it's going to be a lived in house. If something is in my house 'just because it's pretty' its going to be a Christmas decoration because my house is going to be lived in. Potlucks will be a weekly event of communal living with friends. Community will be open hearts and getting dirty with each other as we are honest about life.

Step one is changing what I know I need to change, no matter how it looks or what anyone says about my shift in priorities. I will not be dissatisfied when I can change it. I will not look back on 40 years of my life and wonder what it would look like if I had given up my distractions and covered it in prayer.

In the end its easily summed up this way: I don't want my life to look right and leave me empty. I want my life to look ridiculous and be so full of faith, friends, and true community that I never worry what other people think of my life.

Day Three Hundred and Thirty Five - Nope.

This is a blog about how much I don't feel like blogging right now. I don't. A lot of the times blogging is a way for me to release, to figure out my day, to draw an inspirational lesson out of something ordinarily mundane, to reflect. Nope. Not today. I'm not writing today. I'm gonna go play some XBox and read my Bible and just... chill out while talking to Anthem. 

This is me breaking my routine to stay sane. Have a good night folks, maybe do something you wouldn't normally. Just saying. 

Day Three Hundred and Thirty Four - Redefining Respect

Today, I read a Facebook post that stopped me in my tracks. "A single male friend here on tour complimented me on my hair today, but only after he asked my husband first if he minded. Floored by that act of respect for my husband and my marriage! "

At first, that seemed a little over the top for me. But then I realized that my perception was the one that was warped. That should be how all marriages are treated and respected. At least, that's how I want mine to be, and how I want those around me to act. I will have made a solemn vow to respect, love, cherish, and help my husband grow closer to God, while committing our marriage to the building of the Kingdom. Those are not words to take lightly, neither for the two of us who will exchange them, nor those who respect us and our marriage. 

It is humbling to know how much retraining my mind needs to see things the way God sees them, rather than they way my society sees them. Thank You, God, for setting such excellent examples for me to see, so that I can learn as much as I can before I take the vows. 

I realize that not everyone sees marriage this way or will show the same deference to it, but it is a standard that I want to meet in my life.  

Day Three Hundred and Thirty Three - Waaaaaah

Important life lesson: if the person you love thinks you're attractive - fuck what anyone else things, including and especially yourself.

Now. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying find someone with a weird body mod fetish. Or someone who encourages you to be unhealthy. But if you're insecure about your body, and your partner isn't, listen to your partner.

I've always been a little insecure about my appearance. Anthem tells me I'm beautiful constantly. And I'm starting to believe him. I'm carrying myself differently because I feel attractive. And he's been encouraging me to try new things, new styles, new ways of presenting myself. Which, other than minimal makeup, nude eye shadow, chapstick, and a ponytail, everything is new. Bangs, for instance. Those were his idea. And he was right. I look fantastic with bangs. Today, I tried a poof for my bangs. With bobby pins and hair spray and the whole nine yards. And it looked good too. Felt a little weird but it did look good.

Though of course, I had to tease myself. And that's when my HLM (Heterosexual Life Mate) sent me back a joke. It's from the Princess Diaries II. Watch it. It's 30 seconds long and very important to understanding the rest of this blog.

See the thing is, a lot of the time we get so wrapped up in what people are thinking of us that we lose sight that the ones we love and who love us are the only ones who matter. If Anthem liked me in antlers, I'd probably wear them. Because the only person I'm trying to attract is him. I want to make the boy moose go "Waaaaaaah" and if that means I have to face my fears, so be it. My insecurity is not going to stop me from being attractive to him. If you have a boy moose (or a girl moose) find out what makes them go Waaaaaah and try it.

Because often times, you being comfortable in your skin, is what makes them go 'Waaaaaah' the loudest.

Day Three Hundred and Thirty Two - Invisible Snow

A friend texted me this morning because she wanted to be the first person to tell me that it was snowing. I grinned, and popped my head up to look out the window. And frowned. There was no snow. I plopped my head back down on my pillow and tried to go back to sleep. That is until God nudged me. "Get up and look." He said. So after a moment of arguing, I got out of my warm bed, bundled up, went out into the cold air and looked. There was no snow. I turned to go back inside and He said, "No. Walk down the stairs and really look." I sighed, but since I was outside anyway, did what He said. Still no snow. And then I felt it. On my cheek. Then my forehead. Then my temple. And my cheek again. And I smiled. It was snowing. It was invisible snow.

And the point of all of this was simple. Just because I don't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there. Sometimes you have to get a little uncomfortable and step out in faith to find out if something is real, to find out if it's there. No more peeking from the windows. Stepping out.

It's about time I actually practiced my faith. He's not going to drop me. About time I started living like I actually trusted Him.