Day Three Hundred and Thirty Six - Dissatisfaction

You know what doesn't lead to change? Contentment with the status quo.

I could go on a rant that would fill the Library of Congress of things I am dissatisfied with. But I could fit on the back of a matchbook the things that I've changed because of it. Because 99% of the time, my laziness wins out. I don't want to put the effort in, even in my own life, to change what I'm dissatisfied with.

And then you hit that point... that you don't care about what it takes, you're just going to change it. The HLM and I had this conversation last night. When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired (spiritually). And I am. I am thoroughly dissatisfied with my prayer life. I know how much just reading my bible every day (and granted, skimming it most nights) has changed my life. And I don't want to go another day without covering every thing in my life, every person I love, every worry, every hurt, every joy, every triumph, in prayer to the God of my life.

And what excites me is that it seems to me my entire generation is dissatisfied. We were told that our faith would move mountains, but have never seen it. We were told this faith would define us, but never saw a life that looked like that. And we want so much more. We can feel the faith calling us, we can feel the spirit changing us, and we're not going to have our spiritual life be internalized while we live a 'normal' life on the outside.

There will not be 2.5 kids in the back of the mercedes as we pull up to our white picket fenced house in the burbs that is full of pretty knickknacks. Potlucks will not be something that only happens at church once a month. Community will not be social events that are done with church friends.

I don't know how many kids I'll have, but they will never wear cardigans (unless they want to, they can be very stylish children if they choose) or be forced into tennis lessons. I'll never own a mercedes, because I can't imagine spending that much money on a vehicle when a Toyota will suit me just fine. Seriously, those engines like never die. My house may be in the burbs at some point in time, but it's going to be a lived in house. If something is in my house 'just because it's pretty' its going to be a Christmas decoration because my house is going to be lived in. Potlucks will be a weekly event of communal living with friends. Community will be open hearts and getting dirty with each other as we are honest about life.

Step one is changing what I know I need to change, no matter how it looks or what anyone says about my shift in priorities. I will not be dissatisfied when I can change it. I will not look back on 40 years of my life and wonder what it would look like if I had given up my distractions and covered it in prayer.

In the end its easily summed up this way: I don't want my life to look right and leave me empty. I want my life to look ridiculous and be so full of faith, friends, and true community that I never worry what other people think of my life.