You know those personality tests that you take? You know the 4 letter one? The last letter is either a J for judgmental or a C for compassion, and then there is a percentage of how much you are more one than the other. 67%. I am 67% judgmental. And it's true, I'm not going to say the test is skewed, it's not. I really am a very judgmental person.
I'm not incapable of compassion, I just find that I'm not sympathetic to most people's problems. Mostly because in my judgmental little brain, either they're complaining about things that could be easily fixed, or about things that they got themselves into... repeatedly. If it helps anything, I'm just as judgmental toward myself. Especially the situations I get myself in to.
In my judgmental brain, there are real problems out there. People are hungry, single mothers are struggling, the economy is crap, and hard working people with families are falling through the cracks. The elderly are struggling, and hold little value in our society. So no. I don't care about most things that I hear girls my age complain about. Or most guys my age. Or to just be shockingly judgmental, anything that most anyone complains about - even people in my mother's generation.
I know I shouldn't be judgmental. I don't have the problems of starving people around the world who don't even have clean water. What do I ever have to complain about? Sometimes I get tired. Today is my first day off in almost 2 weeks. Sometimes I get sick, and I think everyone should get to whine a little when they're sick. But... even then. I am thankful I only get a little sick, like a sore throat or a cough. And I'm thankful I have two jobs even when working them both exhausts me. I'm thankful my love and I found a way to each other through all the bullshit of our pasts and psychosis and baggage. I'm thankful that there is hope for the future, that there is more after this life, that there is no sting in death.
Life isn't perfect, and I know I've written, spoken, and thought enough complaints already in my short life to fill a library. I'm not proud of that. And I know as each problem comes, even the ones we make for ourselves, they seem big and overwhelming and undeserved. And I wallow more than I should when I get overwhelmed, rather than thinking how to avoid these problems in the future.
I'm sorry for all the times I've judged. Goodness knows no one deserves to be judged by another human being. (Okay. Please understand that I'm not talking about criminals and lawyers and judges. I'm talking about life problems, whining and friendship and gossip.) I've never walked in your shoes, or experienced what you've experienced. I was showed, just yesterday, as my frustration with a friend came bubbling to the surface, that I didn't have any reason to be judging that friend.
"Imagine you were in their shoes," someone told me. "Stop. Think about where they're coming from. Think about what's motivating them. Think about what they're feeling, thinking, and rationalizing." And they were right. When I stopped to think, to put the pieces together (or listen to someone else who was better at that than me), suddenly it all made sense. My frustration was selfish, my compassion was needed.
In the end... it comes down to awareness. I'm trying to be aware of my own habits, and my own short comings. I don't want to be this judgmental. I need to be more aware of what's going on around me, especially in the lives of those I love and care about. I need to not assume that they can see what I can see, I need to assume that if I don't understand, there is probably something they see that I don't.
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