Future me: "Hello past me. Here's the thing. You know that guy you just met? In seven months you're going to marry him, leave everything you've ever known, and move to Texas. In doing so, you'll lose a few friends you love deeply, and create strains on others that I'm still not sure if they'll survive or not. But it's worth it, I promise. In the next seven months, you'll learn more about yourself than even the OSM could teach you."
Past me: "Why hello short haired hallucination! You seem to be rather insane."
Future me: "Well I am snarky, aren't I? Look. It's going to be a rather bumpy ride the next couple of months. Not going to lie - you and Anthem are going to be on again off again. You both have a lot to learn, and you'll both conquer a lot of baggage between now and then."
Past me: "Wait. So. Like. For reals. That gorgeous guy that makes my heart race is going to marry me?"
Future me: "He is. And there's so much more to him. Which you'll learn pretty much every day. And he'll hold you in his arms and tell you that he needs you and you won't understand why but the truth is still the same - he does. And you'll start to see yourself differently. You'll see more value in the things about yourself that you take for granted. Point is - I know you don't believe me. And in 3 months you really won't believe me because you two will come to a place where you either unpack your baggage and get rid of it - or keep destroying each other in a mad rush of utter and total nonsense. You choose. Anthem will step up and be a man - the kind of man you've always dreamed of but never really believed existed. The kind that is willing to work, really work for his family. The kind that is willing to step up and be a leader - including all of the responsibility that comes with it. The kind that will humbly, strongly lead. The kind that loves God, and doesn't bullshit about his faith, or walk around it until it's more convenient, and makes mistakes along the way but is honest about them. Anthem... is as perfect for you as anyone is going to be."
Past me: "Heavy."
Future me: "You'll also grow up a little faster than you're used to. It's a side effect. And you'll have someone to lean on, to really, really lean on. You can trust him. With your life."
The point of this inner dialog is this - I never imagined it would work this way. I remember the first time I met Anthem. I couldn't keep a coherent thought in my mind. He was amazing. I didn't need to sleep, or eat, all I needed was to talk to him. And then it got real, and we both self sabatoged. And then we grew up, and tried it again. And I found everything I had been looking for and more - but I never really thought it would happen like this. Anthem and I met eight months ago. I always said I'd need to know someone for a year before even getting engaged to them. Apparently, I lied.
But when the time came and the choice was before me to choose something foreign and scary - like marriage to a man I don't know everything about and starting an adventure I have little to no control over - or something I know like being afraid and being lonely and feeling trapped in the same hamster wheel of never-changing life... it wasn't an easy decision by any means. But I jumped instead of running away.
And I'm so incredibly glad I did. So much more than I have the words for right now. So instead of trying to find them, I'm going to go upstairs and crawl into bed with my amazing, exhausted husband and pray that I always have the courage to jump.
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