Today's Sunday School Topic: Sex.
And it was AWESOME. Because it was honest. A bunch of churchies talking about sex. Everyone from Anthem and I (married just over a month) to couples who have been married for over a decade and a number of couples in between. Yes, it was all couples. No, our Sunday School isn't usually all couples, but there was a retreat this weekend and so it ended up being all couples this time. Which, honestly, I think helped. As a group, we talked about the lies we had believed about sex prior to becoming sexually active. Some of them were because of the church, some of them were cultural.
Truth #1: Even if you made it to the altar as a virgin... you're still messed up. Boyfriends, self image, sexual perception, upbringing, and everything else that happens regardless of being sexually active or not still gets in your head. And your spouses head. And it requires honesty and a level of vulnerability that is just... difficult. Sex is great, and it gets greater all the time. Sex is complicated. I'm blessed to be exploring it in the safety of marriage, so I am able to experience things I really didn't understand about sex without having to freak out. More on that later.
Lie #2: Sex can be detached from the rest of your life. That's why when you get married you can add it to your life like a cherry on top.
Truth #2: Sex is affected, and affects, almost every part of your life. It's emotional, physical, spiritual, chemical, mental, and hormonal. There is no way I could ever separate my relationship with my husband from our sex life. I wouldn't want to, but even if I did, it couldn't be done. Sex has always been a part of my life (well, sexuality and since puberty) and how I dealt with it and what I learned and what I didn't learn has affected my sex life. I have to relearn a lot. Like -
Lie #3: You'll never know if you're compatible with someone if you don't have sex first.
Truth #3: Bullshit. Anthem and I did not have sex until we were married. That was a freaking miracle. From our first kiss, we both knew we were compatible. There was a spark. Everywhere. The spark was so intense that I made my MOH stay the night at my apt when Anthem was there before the wedding because I knew our self control wasn't going to make it on it's own.
Lie #4: If you don't experiment before marriage, you'll always wonder about what else might be out there.
Truth #4: Again, I say bullshit. For so many reasons. 1) In a world that seems determined to genuinely mess with your head, the fact that Anthem is the only man I've ever had sex with eases his mind and heart greatly. He never has to worry that I'm comparing him to anyone, nor that he would not win the comparison. It's just that simple. 2) Before sex, I did not understand how it could be that different from making out except naked and with your downstairs. After sex, I realize that I'm a total idiot. There is... just... encyclopedia's full of stuff to try. And I get to try it all with the man who loves me and will never leave me and doesn't even laugh when I try to be sexy and fail. Which is awesome. I know that I could come to him with anything and say, "I'm curious." and he'll say, "Let's give it a shot." It has never once crossed my mind that I was missing out on anything. It is my firm belief that I am missing out on nothing, because I married all I could ever want and need.
Lie #5: All lust is bad.
Truth #5: Please, excuse my language, but fuck that. Lust is great. You know why lust is great? Because I'm so damn lusty after the man I married. And he's so damn lusty after me. And let's be really honest, that's kind of awesome. I want my husband to look at me like that until the day we die, and I just have this feeling he's going to pull a Sean Connery and get sexier with age. Lust is bad when it's detached from love and commitment. I'm going to cultivate my lust for my husband. Because sex is not a duty, it's a delight. And trying to make it something sterile is just... messed up.
Lie #6: Sex can be casual.
Truth #6: Ha. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahhahah no. Sex is an undeniable bonding agent. It ties people together. That was obvious from the get-go. It really does seal the deal of a marriage. There is no going back. Honestly, it has really made the difference for Anthem and I, at least in my opinion. It increased my respect for him, my trust of him, my desire for him, not to mention the proven chemical bonding agents released in both of our bodies. That being said, sex isn't lighting candles and spouting poetry to each other as we gaze deeply into each others eyes every time either, or even most times. The candles thing happened once. Sometimes, it's just fun. But even those times, all those other things happen too. It still brings us closer.
Last one, I promise. Lie #7: Sex is less holy than celibacy, and if possible, everyone should remain celibate.
Truth #7: It is not good for man to be alone. It wasn't when the world was perfect, and it isn't now. Now, granted, some people do have a calling from God to be single and celibate for their entire lives as they devote those lives to God. For the vast majority of us though, being called to marriage isn't a weakness. It's a blessing. I can't even imagine having to live without Anthem. He is my partner, my best friend, and the best part of my life. And he is my partner in this life we live together as we become more holy, chasing after Christ. Our sex, in our marriage, is holy. It reflects love and pleasure and desire and fulfillment and the God given gift of each other, wholly. Holy.
Perhaps you disagree with me. If there is a miracle, you'll agree with one of those points. Tell me about it!
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