Feel free to answer that as sarcastically (or seriously) as you'd like in the comments. Anything to get someone to post a comment. But that's beside the point.
The point is that even though it's been a few days since Sunday school, I still can't get this one guys comment out of my head. "Let's be honest," he said, "how many of us struggle to believe your faith? I know I do. Every day. And if you don't admit that, you're not being honest."
Part of me wanted to study him like a mysterious sea creature, and part of me wanted to deck him. Because it's not true for me, and saying that isn't a lie. Sure, I struggle with my faith every day - but not in believing it. I struggle living it and giving my all and remembering that this reality is just a thin veil between me and eternity. But not believing it. If something is supposed to the foundation on which you build your life, and all of your theology... you should not be concerned with its existence. And you certainly shouldn't worry about it daily.
Maybe I'm crazy. I've definitely had moments in the bleakness, or even in the mundane, where a small part of me wonders if this is all real and maybe the agnostics have it right. And then I remember all the things He's done, and all the things I've seen and experienced and all that He has given me and remember who He is. In those moments, its more myself that I question than my God, or my faith based on who I know Him to be.
But that's not the point: the point is that making sweeping judgments (like I often do) is counterproductive. I honestly didn't hear much else of what he said because I was too busy being genuinely confused.
The second point is that it scares me. This guy has been a Christian since he was a teenager (he is now early 50's). He is exactly what I am terrified of becoming - a hamster wheel Christian that is dealing with the same struggles of faith that they were dealing with in the beginning.
Luckily, listening to Christian radio has given me a new theory as to why this happens and how to avoid it. Seriously, how anyone can listen to those djs is beyond me. I digress. The difference between a hamster wheel and a true road of faith is who is at the center. At the center of every hamster wheel is the Christian. What they feel, what they want, why do they hurt, why is God doing this to them, why aren't they succeeding, why is their marriage not working out, why are their kids such little jerks, why are they uncomfortable, why is it so hard to believe, etc. At the center of every journey of faith is God. Where is God, what does He want from me, what can I give, who can I help, who is He, how can I become less and He more, etc.
I don't have it all figured out, to be sure. I've just learned that when you're struggling, with anything faith based (what to do next, or if God's really there) the best thing to do is stop obsessing and focus on someone other than yourself. Help someone. Donate. Volunteer. Anything. The answer will come a lot faster. As to the why... well that's simple. With Christianity - the answers are rarely within yourself. Because God is not contained in there. Sure, He does reside, but He is working everywhere else too. Go find Him outside yourself and you might hear Him a little better.
Which reminds me... I think I need to get out of my own head for the rest of today. The answers I'm looking for aren't there.
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