Day One Hundred and Eighty Four - Up (I Am Free)

You know what I love about kids? They're blunt. And honest. When you ask them what they want they tell you. No pretense. No manipulation. Just the flat out truth. And even better, they honestly expect to get it - immediately. We teach them to be that way, especially when they're toddlers. We're so tired of being mind readers and trying to guess whether it's hunger, a poopy diaper, or a bad dream that has them screaming as they can't use their words yet. And when they're toddlers they use an extremely limited vocabulary to very effectively get their point across. "More." "Juice." "Mmmmm." "No." "Tinkle." "Oops." All fairly obvious. But my favorite has to be "up". When they reach those chubby little fingers into the air and fully expect you to pick them up and carry them wherever they want to go. Or just be held because that whole walking thing is just exhausting.

"Up." In that single word is wrapped so many expressions of desire and trust. Very few (in fact none I know, but I figure they exist somewhere) children will say 'up' to someone they don't know. They don't just want to be carried, they want to be carried by you. They trust you. They love you. "Up."

So often I feel like I do the same thing to God. "Up." I say and reach up with my arms completely outstretched. "I'm exhausted. This whole walking thing is exhausting. Please, pick me up. Hold me for a while." And lately, I feel as if He has just said 'no' over and over again. Which is heartbreaking and makes any toddler just sort of sit down and bawl until someone picks them up.

Until I realized that He was trying to pick me up, I just wasn't letting Him. I was so focused on what I thought was His will, I was clinging to it so tightly, that He couldn't lift me. I meant well, but that's not really how following Him is supposed to be.

See... He is the author of freedom. And following His will is freedom, the ultimate freedom. Freedom from fear, from death, from sin. Freedom to love, to forgive, to give. He gives all freedom. For years I've been begging Him for freedom... waiting to be released, waiting for some sort of conclusion for the never ending confusion. And then... it hit me.

I am already free. I am the only one holding me down. He is not. He longs to pick me up like His child and cuddle me and hold me close and move me to where He wants. I was the one clinging to the ground, I was the one fighting Him. In Him, I am free. I have been this entire time. I am free.

And now I am up, too.