For the longest time, I had no idea why people were friends with me. I think all of us have thought about that at one point or another. And I've spent my life having friends that were truly amazing people. Which often led me to the conclusion that I was a sort of project. That while yes, they were my friends, they saw me as a project, as someone to take under their wing. I never really felt as if I was their equal.
Per usual, we'll use the OSM as an example. (Don't let this inflate your ego, read to the bottom.) When I first met the OSM, I'll openly admit I had him on a bit of a pedestal. He has an incredibly charismatic personality, he's fun to be around, he's deep and wise but doesn't preach, he speaks openly from experience. And for reasons beyond my comprehension (at the time) he wanted to spend his time with me. I figured I was a project, but wasn't about to argue. I didn't really care why he spent his time with me, only that he did. His presence in my life was (and still very much is) incredibly beneficial to me.
It was only fairly recently, in the past few months, that I've begun to realize that I am not a project to my friends, but that they do indeed see me as an equal. They are my friends because of who I am, not because I need them. And realizing that was incredibly liberating. Because when you're a project, you're in their debt. When you're an equal, the give and take of a friendship isn't a ledger but a given. And only very recently has it become clear that although the OSM has helped me in so many ways, I have not graduated from project to friendship, I never was a project, and always was an equal.
My friends are friends with me because I am worth being friends with. That very knowledge has allowed me to truly experience the friendships, and really the people, to be able to go with the flow. Because I'm no longer worried that their altruism might suddenly dry up, or that the red in the ledger might be too much. I am loved, and the friendship is earned, it is equal. It has allowed me to open my hand, to not try to hold onto people so tightly because I'm afraid they'll let go of me if I let them. It has allowed me to trust in their love, to lean on their understanding.
In letting go, I have never felt more secure. The OSM was an example, but I could list ten off the top of my head. It's still a strange feeling, the realization that people actually want to be my friend. Even more shocking, it has recently been pointed out to me that some people desire a friendship with me, but are too intimidated to seek one out. That is just mind-boggling.
I guess my point is this: it is much easier to let yourself be loved when you realize that you are worth loving. And based on the character of my closest friends, I must be pretty awesome myself. That and I am blessed to simply know some of the very best people in the world. Honky, I'm looking at you.
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