Lies come at us all the time, every day. The worst ones are the ones we tell ourselves. Those annoying voices in our ears that lie to us, constantly, about who we are. Over time, I've learned that the only way to fight them (effectively) is with the truth, even if the truth hurts.
Like tonight for instance. I felt... small. Ashamed of how much I have leaned on my friends recently, especially leaned on their forgiveness and understanding. Even though we just talked about being equals with my friends rather than projects, tonight I felt very much as if I am kept around because of pity rather than genuine affection. But those are just fears, not truths. And there are two ways to deal with them.
1) I can continue the lie and try and tell myself that I don't care. That losing my friends, the ones I fear see me as project not a friend, wouldn't hurt. Much. That I could survive it. It wouldn't really affect me.
Or.
2) I can acknowledge that those are fears of mine, but that they are unfounded. I can acknowledge the truth (and thusly risk the pain) of knowing that I would be deeply hurt to lose those I love and cherish. And one truth leads to another. My feelings are simply unfounded.
I'm not saying the friends I have now will always be my close friends. I know for a fact that will not be true. There are a select few that have become blood, and so will forever be in my life. The closeness will ebb and flow, but they'll always be family. Another set, I know, are the people that in ten years I will really want to share a cup of coffee with and catch up. I will smile at them and want to hear about their life because while we may not have spoken in a few years, the love I have for them will not have faded. Another set, the majority, are people who are in my life for but a short time. They will go the same way they came, slowly, and without either of us much noticing. It will be very natural. Change is the only constant in this life.
And so I will enjoy the time I have with them now, not waste my time fearing how or when it will end. Relationships evolve. They change as we do. Trying to stop change is like clutching at sand, pointless and not exactly pleasant. The better response is to keep an open hand, to accept what was, what is, and what will be. Right now, my heart is full, cherishing what I have now because I know I won't have it forever.
And I won't take it for granted. So to the people in my life that have subtly, or not so subtly changed me, to the people who bring joy and peace to my life, to the people I love, to the people I share every other Sunday with, to the new friends to the old ones: thank you for being part of my life and letting me be part of yours.
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